Author's note: This is completely silly. I wanted to try my hand at comedy. Don't take it seriously.
Jerry Springer Farscape Style
Jerry Springer: Our first guest today is an ex-Peacekeeper from the Uncharted Territories. Aeryn Sun never expected to become pregnant, but that is exactly what happened. She's spent the last year seeming to be happily married to a man that believes himself to be the father of her child. But she's been hiding the fact that she doesn't know who the father actually is. And that's why she's here today. So let's bring her out. Please welcome Aeryn Sun.
Aeryn walks out in a very short and tight black leather sleeveless dress. She's wearing three inch high heels. Her hair is long and loose with a blue streak in the front. She has a tattoo on the back of her shoulder that says "Peacekeeper Bitch". She sits in a chair on the stage and pulls the top of her dress down to reveal the edge of her hot pink bra. The crowd applauds her entrance.
Jerry: Aeryn, you've known all along your son might not be your husbands, but you let him believe the child was his. Why?
Aeryn: John wanted Dee to be his so badly and I didn't want to hurt him at the time.
Jerry: And your husband has no idea he might not be the father?
Aeryn: No, he thinks Dee is his.
Jerry: Well, we've tested the child and the men you believe could be the father. So what next? After the real father is revealed what will you do?
Aeryn: If the father is my husband than nothing will change. If the father is somebody else than I expect him to stand up and be a father to his baby. I expect child support and for him to take Dee every now and then. If he knocked me up he better take the responsibility of his kid.
The crowd applauds.
Jerry: All right, well let's bring out Aeryn's husband John Crichton and see what he has to say.
John walks out of the same door Aeryn did. He's wearing his leather pants, black tee, vest and long black duster. He walks by Aeryn who stands to hug him and he grabs her butt. She smacks him, not amused and he sits beside her. The crowd applauds his entrance.
Jerry: John, do you have any idea why you are here today?
John: Not really, the little lady wouldn't tell me anything.
Jerry: John, Aeryn has something important she would like to tell you. Aeryn.
Aeryn turns to John with a very serious expression.
Aeryn: John…you may not be Dee's real father.
John's eyes go wide, but he doesn't speak for a moment.
Jerry: John, how does that make you feel?
John: How do you think I feel? My wife just told me on galaxy wide television that my kid might not be mine.
Jerry: Do you have anything to say to Aeryn?
John: How could you keep this from me? How could you know all this time and not say a word?
Aeryn: I didn't want to hurt you.
John: And you think this doesn't hurt? Hell, Aeryn.
Jerry: Now John, we've tested you and a couple of others to find out whom Dee's real father is. I think the question is what will you do if you aren't the father?
John: Will I divorce her? No. I took a vow when I married this woman. I ain't gonna take that back. And whether my blood runs through MY SON or not, I am Dee's father. Always have been and nothing will change that.
Jerry: We are going to meet our next candidate for the father, but first Aeryn has to reveal one more secret to John.
Aeryn turns to John again in the same manner as before.
Aeryn: John, when you were twinned you know I went off with the other you and we had a relationship before he died. Well, he's the next candidate…and he's not dead.
John: He's not dead?
Aeryn: No, and I've been sleeping with him secretly for the past six months.
John: You've what?!
Jerry: All right, let's bring Talyn John out.
Talyn John walks out in tight blue jeans with holes in the knees and a flannel shirt. He has a beer can in one hand. The crowd 'boo's' him as he sits next to Aeryn. He kisses Aeryn with visible tongue action before giving the crowd the finger. His finger is blurred. The other John stares at him in utter shock.
Jerry: Talyn John, everyone thinks your dead. How exactly did you survive the radiation?
Talyn John: This is T.V., Jerry. If they can bring back Patrick Duffy in Dallas, they can bring me back for this trashy show.
Jerry: When did you meet Aeryn again after your supposed death?
Talyn John: A little over six months ago. I saw her in this little market on a commerce planet and we sat down in a tavern and reminisced until one thing led to another. Hey Jerry, I mean can you blame her? A woman just can't refuse my family jewels.
John: They're the same as mine jack (beep).
Talyn John: Quit your whining, she's made her choice.
John holds up his left hand to show his wedding ring.
John: I beg to differ.
Talyn John: That don't mean crap. We're the same person; technically she's married to both of us.
Aeryn: Oh no you don't. You ain't getting out of a proposal that easy. Until I see a ring, I am married to one man.
Talyn John: But baby, that is my ring. He just gave it to you first.
John: You were already dead when I got that ring so get your own.
Talyn John: Is that the only argument you have? That I'm dead?
John: It's a pretty (beep) good argument!
Aeryn: John, be nice. The term is passed on.
John: He's dead!
Talyn John: Oh your mom!
John: We had the same mother (beep) wipe!
Talyn John stops laughing, realizing whom he had insulted.
Jerry: Talyn John, you know you could be the father to Aeryn's baby. What is the next step if you are the father?
Talyn John: Marriage of course since that's what my baby wants. Ain't gonna let this fellow shack up with my woman and my kid.
John: But she's-
Aeryn cuts him off as she turns to Talyn John
Aeryn: Really baby? You'd marry me?
Talyn John: Really. I'm gonna get a ring and we'll go to Vegas and get hitched by one of those Elvis impersonators. Then I'll find us a nice little trailer on a planet. It'll be perfect, sugar.
Aeryn grabs Talyn John and they start making out on stage. John gets up and pulls Talyn John off of Aeryn.
John: Get off of my wife!
He punches Talyn John down. Talyn John grabs John's feet and pulls him down as well. They wrestle on the floor until the Jerry guards pull the two apart. The crowd chants Jerry's name.
Jerry: Well, we have one more candidate that could be Dee's father. Let's meet who he is. Dari come on out.
Dari walks out in blue jean and a white t-shirt. He steps out looks at the crowd and then sits next to John. The crowd applauds his entrance.
Aeryn: Who? I didn't sleep with him.
Jerry: Of course you did. Now Dari, how did you meet Aeryn?
Dari: Umm, I didn't. I was just an extra on the show.
Talyn John: An extra?
Dari: Yeah, season 2, The Way We Weren't…I was one of the guys in the back. And can I just say it's a pleasure to meet you all.
Dari shakes John, Aeryn's and Talyn John's hand.
Dari: (To Talyn John) Loved your work in Meltdown by the way.
Aeryn: Excuse me? I haven't slept with him. Why is he here if I haven't slept with him?
Dari: I think I'm just here to escalate it. Like "Oh it could be his' kind of thing.
Aeryn: But we all know it's not yours.
Dari: We'll let the test determine that.
Jerry: Dari, how did you meet Aeryn?
Dari: It was a flashback actually. Her flashback, not mine. She was remembering when we both shot a puppet…good times. And I saw her in her flight suit and helmet in that sepia tone that flashbacks are in and I just thought she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. But then the flashback ended and I've always felt our relationship was cut short.
Jerry: And what if you are the father?
Dari: Well, I…I would become a main character in the next season I suppose.
Talyn John: The show was canceled moron.
John: Actually there was a continuation. We had a mini series and there's going to be a movie.
Talyn John: I haven't heard anything about a movie.
Aeryn: You've been dead sweetie so you wouldn't be in the movie anyway.
Talyn John: But this wanker…this extra is going to be in the movie?
Aeryn: No! He can't be the father. Why is no one listening to me?
John: You can't be in my movie if your dead anyway.
Talyn John: Would you stop with the dead thing? It was a plot device. Aeryn's death was a plot device and they brought her back.
Aeryn: You had to bring the frozen lake into this didn't you!
John comforts Aeryn.
John: That was different. We need Aeryn. You were just an extra me.
Talyn John: She didn't think of me as an extra in the naughty mist. Did ya babe?
Dari: Really…that was great work, but there's nothing wrong with being an extra. It's an art-
Aeryn, John and Talyn John: Shut up!
Jerry: (ignoring his guests) Well, we've met the three candidates, but before we reveal which of these three is actually the father of Dee, Talyn John has a secret of his own.
John: Dear Lord, what now?
Talyn John turns to Aeryn and takes her hands in his.
Talyn John: Baby, you know I love you and I am going to marry you if Dee is mine, but there's someone in my life that you need to know about.
Aeryn: Baby I don't care. I love you.
Talyn John: Well, Aeryn. I'm gay and I would like my other lover to live with us.
The crowd gasps. John cracks up laughing and Aeryn slaps Talyn John.
Aeryn: You've been cheating on me you lying son of a (beep).
John: How can you yell at him, when you've been cheating on me?
Aeryn: Oh sweetheart, it isn't cheating if he is you.
Talyn John: Aeryn, I thought you would understand.
Aeryn: I ain't gonna understand nothing you two timing (beep) (beep).
Jerry: (ignoring them again) Let's bring out Talyn John's lover.
Braca walks out in the tightest leather pants anyone has ever seen and a light pink Peacekeeper leather jacket. He walks very feminine like over to Talyn John and sits next to him. The crowd applauds his entrance.
Jerry: Braca, how long have you and Talyn John been together?
Braca: (speaking with a lisp) Almotht one thycle, right baby?
Talyn John: Best (beep) cycle of my life, sugar.
Jerry: Braca, you're aware Talyn John may be the father of a child. How do you see yourself in this picture?
Braca: Well, I wathn't happy when he told me he wanted to marry Mith. Thkank over there, but I wath willing to try if thatth what he really wanted. But if Thkank doethn't like that idea then we are going to take the baby to a planet and raithe him ourthelves. Johnny promithed me a trailer.
Braca looks at Talyn John doe-eyed and crosses his legs. His foot slides up and down Talyn John's leg.
Aeryn: You are not taking my child anywhere!
Braca: Thuth up Thkank! I am going to be a better mother to him than you could ever be.
Aeryn jumps out of her chair and tackles Braca, who falls backwards in his chair.
Aeryn: You (beep) (beep) (beep). Little sissy-
Braca: He loveth me not you. You little (beep) (beep). I'm gonna-
The Jerry guards pull the two apart.
Jerry: Well, does anyone want to say anything before we reveal Dee's real father?
Dari: I just want to say to Brian Henson that working on that one scene in The Way We Weren't was the best work of my life and I would love to be apart of the movie.
John: This is the most absurd thing I've ever seen in my life. I feel like I'm in the white trash central of the UTs.
Braca: Who you callin trath you thouthern hick?
Aeryn: For the record, I never loved Talyn John and he's lousy in bed.
Talyn John: Hey! I am the best lover you ever had woman.
Aeryn: Rygel could do better than you!
Braca: I also jutht want to thay to my old boyfriend that I am very, very happy and that I don't need him. And if my man ith the father than I'm gonna raithe Dee ath my own and be the thexieth mother the Uncharted territorieth have ever theen.
Jerry: Okay let's see the results of the paternity test.
Jerry opens a pink envelope and the crowd hushes.
Jerry: And the father is…not Dari.
Dari drops to his knees.
Dari: No! Aeryn, why? You told me-
Aeryn: I didn't tell you nothing. I've never even met you before.
Dari immediately stops and gets back up in his chair.
Dari: I know that. I was just acting. I'm here to escalate so I escalated.
John: Give it up. You're not going to be in the movie.
Jerry: Okay the moment we've all been waiting for. And the father is…John Crichton!
Aeryn: I knew that you geek. Which one?
Jerry: Your husband…John.
Braca: How can you tell? They are the thame, although my John ith way better than Thkank'th John.
Jerry: We don't really know we usually just flip a coin.
John jumps up and puts his arms out.
John: I knew it was me!
John sits back down and looks to Aeryn.
John: Oh, baby I love you. I don't care if you cheated on me with me.
Aeryn: Baby, I love you too.
They both start making out, falling back in their chairs.
Braca: Thank Cholak. I wath gonna do it, but thith body is jutht too young and thexy to have anyone callin me mother.
Talyn John: Didn't want any dumb kid anyway. And if she wants to shack up with wanna be over there than that's her choice. I don't need her. Come on Braca, let's get out of here.
As Talyn John walks Braca out, arm in arm, John and Aeryn continue to make out on the floor, Jerry walks over to his final thoughts corner and sits down.
Jerry: My final thoughts. Well, I consider this a happy ending for all. Another family success story because of me. I feel I have made a contribution to our galaxy and made it a better place because of my show. Yes, you should all thank me for putting meaning into your lives. The fact that you have nothing better to do except watch my show tells me that the world needs Jerry Springer. You need me like you need-
John punches Jerry hard and he falls off his stool and doesn't mood.
John: Can I get a hell yeah?
The crowd yells 'hell yeah'.
John takes Aeryn around her waist and they walk out leaving only Dari on stage.
THE END