A/N: I do not own Twilight or The Wizard of OZ but I do own two tuxedo cats who at the moment are playing with purple tissue paper.
"The Wonderful Land of Twoz"
Once upon a time in the non-Google Earth area of Butter Knives, there lived an awkward pale teenage girl named Bella. She was so pale that on the weekends she worked as the lighthouse for the town to signal ships away from the bay with her 'OMG super white' skin.
The town of Butter Knives was a grey little town that was always covered in rain clouds. It was such a teeny tiny drop in the pan that it didn't even have a Wal-mart. So super small that the good people of the land had never tasted the wonders of a Slurpee because 7-eleven decided they would lose money if they ever tried to franchise down there.
One day in the afternoon, Bella was out in the front yard under a tree, lying on an old quilt that her dad told her not to mess with but because of her attention span she totally forgot, and reading "Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies" while listening to the Muse or some other emo band that was listed on a movie soundtrack that I dare not mention due to copyright infringement.
Bella wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She really should have noticed that the trees were starting to lean sideways and that the cord from her ear buds was flapping in the wind. Instead, she just kept on reading until the book that she purchased with the money she made as a lighthouse flew into the neighbor's yard...two miles away.
"Gee Willikers," Bella said. She really shouldn't have said that because that totally made her sound more like a dork than a blossoming young vixen of teenager with the budding potential of a sporting goods store cashier. "It sure does seem windy out of here all of the sudden." Like I said, Bella wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Her father was thinking about getting her tested, but, since her school system was so highly underfunded, he decided it wasn't worth it.
Bella was sitting in the yard trying to figure out what she should do next. This required an ample amount of stinking thinking because the tornado sirens kept breaking her concentration. All of the sudden her dog Jacob ran across the yard with a garden hose in his mouth.
Jacob was a large, russet-colored dog about the same color as a now legal boy who used to be underage but is now fit to be lusted upon.
"Jayco," Bella shouted.
I should probably point out again that Bella is not the sharpest tool in the shed. She was under the impression that the 'B' in Jacob's name should be silent because the last letter in the word DUMB was pronounced that way.
Jacob turned towards his master and wagged his tale in hopes that his mistress would give him tons of pets and affection. Just like a man, the dog was always on the lookout for an unnecessary amount of praise for doing nearly next to nothing.
I'll have you know right now that the author writing this is by no means mad at her husband for always asking for praise and affection for doing something so meager like folding laundry. It's just something that is quite common among dogs and men, therefore the similarity was made.
Just as Bella was getting ready to play tug with her dog over the garden hose that clearly was not hers, a great big funnel cloud roared through the neighbor's yard...this would also be the neighbor who owned the garden hose that Jacob and Bella were playing with.
"Would you look at that," Bella said with amazement. "That looks like something I've seen on the Weather Channel."
Bella started to walk closer to the big ball of wind when Jacob's animal instincts kicked in and told him that there was danger afoot. Grabbing hold of the garden hose that Bella was still holding, he pulled on the end and dragged his master into the house. Being a dog, he didn't know that it was unwise to stand near the windows...and, being that Bella was apparently clueless that a tornado is pretty dangerous, she decided the windows were a fabulous place to watch a tornado because a set of windows reminded her of a TV set and if she watching something on TV then chances were whatever she was watching could not hurt her because it wasn't real.
Again...Bella wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
Around and around the tornado spun. It moved faster and faster towards the house until, all of the sudden in pure story book fashion, the tornado plucked the house off the ground and took it to a far-away land of magical creatures and cheese.
Because Bella kept her eyes shut the entire time that the house spun, it would be rather difficult for me to describe it. For you see, dear reader, I also kept my eyes shut and got just a little motion sickness while the house spun and spun. I can tell you that Jacob tossed his kibble, and Bella got to him just in the knick of time before he decided to make that dinner.
"Bad Jayco," Bella scolded. "You mustn't eat what you have already eaten." Although disgusting, these are wise words to follow.
Opening the front door to survey the damage (remember Bella and I both had our eyes closed, so she wasn't aware that her house was in another unGooglable area of the world), she was greeted to a landscape of color and song.
"I don't think we're in Butter Knives anymore, Jayco." Bella shook her head and looked around. Jacob rolled his little doggy eyes at her. Clearly anyone with half a brain could tell they were no longer in Butter Knives for their town was not infested with a plague of singing and dancing midgets.
One happy midget dressed all in spandex approached Bella and her dog with a spring in his step. "Welcome to Twoz," the little man sang as he ceremoniously grinded against her leg to welcome the new arrivals to his land. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, Bella picked the singing midget up by the scruff of his shirt and placed him in front of Jacob. Jacob gave his mistress a look of "why me?" but did not protest as the singing midget finished his bump and grind session against his furry body.
"Where am I?" Bella asked as the little midget was finished with the traumatized dog.
"Weren't you listening, my tall girl?" The midget beat-boxed out and then flashed a couple of gang signs at her for good measure. "For you are in the land of Tw-"
In the blink of an eye, the singing/dancing/rapping/ghetto-influenced midget was plummeted to the ground by a tall luscious very pale man who appeared to be sucking on his neck while looking at Bella with hungry eyes as if he would like to dine on her wrist or collarbones or maybe touch her hair. I can never be too sure when trying to read the eyes of mysterious pale men.
Filling the air with an awkward sexual tension, the pale man lifted off the singing midget and silently moaned into the air. I'm not quite sure why he did that, but it was pretty hot to look at. If I were a descriptive writer, I could probably describe it for you, but alas I am not. You are just going to have you use your imagination and take my word for it.
"Who are you?" Bella pointed at the pale man as he stalked over towards her in a brooding way that made my loins (not Bella's because she couldn't understand what was going on) quiver.
"I am Edward the Brooding Vampire," he crooned out in a sexy voice that could have melted butter if there was any butter laying out.
"What did you just do to that man?" Bella took the finger she was pointing at Edward and directed it over to the midget.
"Why, my dear, that is not a man." The vampire smirked a sexy smile. "That was just a singing snack that was getting on my nerves. I must admit that I was getting rather jealous watching it grind against your perfect leg." The vampire reached down to stroke it but was stopped in mid-stroke when Jacob snapped at his freakishly long fingers.
"Your dog seems to be sexually frustrated," Edward said calmly to the girl.
"What?" Bella asked taken aback as her virgin ears burned.
"I clearly said that your dog doesn't appear to like me," Edward repeated himself.
Bella stared at the sexy vampire with good hair and shrugged her shoulders.
Leaving the midget's corpse on the side of the sidewalk that was that was cobbled in bricks with stenciled bats atop, Bella walked past another band of dancing midgets honkey-tonking and made her way to a pink little fairy who was twirling with a emo-looking vampire with sexy blonde hair that stuck out all over the place. Now, I'm not picking sides or teams or even Monopoly pieces, but I do know a couple of ladies in straight jackets who would have given their husbands' left nuts to mount this emo creature. He was a thing of beauty as he cringed and looked so out of place as the fairy pranced around him and made him spin her and dip her and do other stuff that seemed sort of out of the ordinary but was freaking awesome to watch because it meant when he wasn't playing with the razor blades that maybe deep down he was a sensitive boy that might whisper sweet nothings into your ear on cold winter nights.
What was I talking about, again?
Oh right...
Bella approached the couple with wonder in her eyes. The fairy turned away from her emo vampire and offered Bella a greeting card. "Welcome to Twoz," she chirped. Bella accepted the card and slowly slid her finger into the envelope. The emo vampire licked his lips in anticipation as he watched the girl but was stricken with pain when she didn't cut herself on the paper.
"That's okay, Jasper." The fairy patted his shoulder. "Maybe the next one will have more delicate skin?"
"Next one?" Bella asked.
"Oh yes," the fairy waved her hands around her and motioned to all the houses that had crash landed into the fields surrounding them. "You're not the first girl to come to the land of Twoz. I'm guessing you'd like to find your way home, wouldn't you?" the fairy asked.
"Well, I know where my home is." Bella turned around to point at her little house only to find Edward towering behind her and breathing so hard that it was like he had just run a couple of miles. Edward hissed at Jasper and crushed Bella to his chest like what you see on the cover of romance novels with those bare chested hunks with the ripply abs and long hair that can only flow into the air with the aide of a box fan. Now, I'm not saying that I read that sort of thing, but I just wanted to give you a visual of what was going on.
Feeling a tad creeped out by Edward's overprotectiveness, she pushed back his rock hard solid torso and watched again while he moaned silently into the air as though he needed a mouth to moan into. I would offer mine, but, since I'm the one telling this story, it would be extremely rude of me to leave you hanging in the middle of this tale while I get my kicks. I'm rather sure that would be rude of me. Would it? Could you just stand there staring at your computer screen or maybe go and watch some tv while I give the dear boy the mouth he so desperately needs to moan into? It will only take but a minute.
Having a little panic attack because clearly Bella was overwhelmed by the sight of Edward moaning into my mouth (what? I assumed you all were shaking your heads 'yes' and that it was ok if I stepped in), she pleaded with the fairy to help her find her way out of the Singing Midget Land.
"You must follow the Vampire Brick Road. It will lead you to the Great and Powerful Twoz, and he will be able to give you proper guidance to get you back from where you came."
"Follow the Vampire Brick Road?" Bella asked aloud.
As if it had been rehearsed, about fifty or so singing midgets lined the road and started a song and dance with enough jazz hands that they could have been on Broadway. Jasper and Edward both licked their chops as they pranced around their singing meals, and, as quick as a cat touching water, the chorus of singing midgets were silenced. Trying to shove one of the smaller midgets into his pocket to munch on later, Edward offered to escort Bella to go see the Wizard of Twoz because he was in need of some shoelaces and there were a couple of shoe stores on the way to the May Birthstone City so it made sense for him to accompany her.
The fairy, who Bella found out was named Alice, sent Jasper along with them so that he could get his box cutter sharpened. He was pretty hardcore with his emo facade, but it was rather weird to watch a vampire cut himself when he basically just sucked his own blood in an erotic manner that made you want to watch him do it again and again. Bella was informed that Jasper and Alice were in an inter-species relationship and that Alice was more than just a fairy. She also resided from the northwestern side of the Jersey Shore and appeared on Big Brother UK just a couple of summers ago.
So, off our merry crew went. The brooding and emo vampires, the clueless girl, and the dog that would probably benefit from a little therapy after having been assaulted by a singing midget who threw gang signs and wore spandex. Along the way, Jasper and Edward decided to break for lunch. It appeared to Bella that the vampires had to eat every other hour on the hour or they would become quite cranky and persnickety with each other. Bella waited with Jacob on the side of the Vampire Brick Road as she watched vampires coaxing the singing midgets out of the woods by square dancing. Just as they were ready to Allemande Right, they were interrupted by a rather large vampire with dimples that wanted to cut in. Inside his pockets he housed many slowly suffocating singing midgets. He decided he would share his meal with the others but only if they were so kind to let him tag along to see the Wizard. His name was Emmett, and he was about as big as a circus bear and just about as smart as one. Just about. A bear might have had just a tiny bit higher IQ. He heard that there were tons of actiony things to fight on the way to way and he had time to kill and spare because he was eternal and quite frankly one can only watch so many reruns of MASH before even that starts to get boring. Our gang just shrugged their shoulders and told Emmett it would be fine for him to come along. None one of them could understand what dangers Emmett was so hyped up to battle when the castle was only a stone's throw away. They actually tested this with Bella throwing a stone at the building. After being ticketed by a non-musical midget for vandalism, they proceeded their quest to getting Bella and her dog back to the land of Butter Knives
Approaching the door to the castle, they were halted by an overweight midget with a pointy noise. They pleaded their case to the fat midget and told him that they simply must see the wizard in order for Bella to get back home. The midget sent a thinner midget on a Segway to inform the wizard of their arrival, and, when he returned, the group learned that the wizard thought their needs were a bunch of hogwash. I'm not quite sure why you would ever tell a vampire "no," because, no sooner could you have taken a breath to let out a gasp (which is what Bella and Jacob both did), the three vampires were chowing down on the gatekeeper and his assistant as though they had the words free candy painted atop their heads (which they did not, because if they did I might have been a little more interested).
Following the signs that pointed the way to the Wizard's room, our gang of misfits left a trail of delicious midgets along the way as though they were bread crumbs. Bella warned that they would soon get fat if neither one of them slowed down their snacking, but each of the vampires chuckled at the poor girl and waggled their eyebrows as if they had special ways of burning off the calories.
Once they got to the door that was clearly marked "Wizards Only," Edward took Bella into his arms and sniffed her hair and shivered.
"What are you doing?" Bella said in a weirded-out tone.
"Trying to turn you on a bit before we go in to see the wizard. Is it working?" Edward ran his freakishly long fingers through Bella's hair then crushed her to his chest again.
"What?" Bella asked as she pushed herself off Edward's chest for like the second or third time today. I've kind of lost count as to how many times Edward has done that. If I were a proper author, I would go back and count them, but I'm rather lazy and figure you'll just take my word that it was a couple of times.
Ruffling Bella's hair, Edward smiled, showing his dazzling teeth that he had just had whitened the other day, and repeated himself. "I said that it was nice to meet you, and I am going to be sad to see you go."
Not wanting to argue with a vampire because it seemed to be pointless, Bella opened the door leading to the wizard's chambers, and the group of vampires plus Jacob followed in a neat and orderly line behind her.
There was a desk at the front of the room where a unicorn with a steno pad sat. The unicorn wore glasses, and, as soon as they entered the room, she (it had to have been a girl; I don't believe they make boy unicorns) took off her glasses and poofed her up mane with her hooves.
"May I help you?" She batted her eyelashes at the group of vampire men and then winked at the dog.
"We've come to see the wizard," Bella stated simply. The unicorn neighed at her then returned her attention to the male companions.
"Are you needing to see the wizard, my sweet?" The unicorn addressed Jacob with a rather husky voice for either a horse or a unicorn.
The dog barked then cowarded over towards Bella, afraid that he would not be able to handle a unicorn grinding after his experience with a singing midget.
Bella explained to the unicorn that the dog was with her and they both needed to see the Wizard of Twoz. The unicorn checked the wizard's appointment book, which was rather fun to watch because a hoofed animal does not have thumbs so she had to turn the pages with her teeth. It is beyond me how she wrote anything legibly. I never asked her, so we'll never know.
The unicorn set up an appointment for the group to see the wizard in an hour, and, with that hour to spare, the gang went to the food court. Bella and Jacob ate at White Castle, and the vampires dined on their midget employees. With full bellies, they went back to the Wizard's chambers and waited to be called.
The unicorn's phone rang (because she was wearing a headset, it wasn't that funny to describe), and she told the group that they could go on back and talk to the wizard.
Bella was expecting someone like Harry Potter to greet her, but who she saw was more like some extravagant Welsh dude that has played a werewolf in one movie then played a vampire in another and for some reason was now trying to play a wizard. If I didn't know any better, you would think this dude would want to play a rabbit in a movie version of some other Hollywood fairytale if he could.
The wizard introduced himself as the Wizard of Twoz and then immediately asked to see Bella's ruby slippers. Confused, Bella told the wizard she did not own a pair. Agitated with her answer, the wizard asked for the body of the witch upon which her house fell. Not understanding the question, Bella told the man that only singing midgets and a few White Castle employees had been slaughtered since her arrival. Eying the three vampires, the wizard asked which one needed a brain, heart, or courage. Stuttering through her answers as if she was forced to answer a 12th grade math problem, Bella explained to the wizard that her vampire friends were only in need of razorblades, shoe laces, and what she thought to be some sort of tantric sex because Emmett kept bouncing his crotch into the wizard's desk quite roughly. Bella wasn't familiar with what tantric sex was, but it sounded rather harsh so she assumed that would be just what Emmett was looking for.
I keep telling you... Bella is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
"This is unacceptable," huffed the wizard as he paced the room. "Why would I be interested in helping any of you when you are totally going against protocol. Are none of you in need of vital organs or an emotion that would be impossible for me to give?"
Each of his visitors shook their head "no."
Tenting his fingers in a very wizardly way, he made a deal with the group. Bring back the broomstick of the Wicked Bitch of the West, and he will be more than happy to send Bella back to the land of Butter Knives, give Jasper a new box cutter, Edward a pair of shoe laces, and Emmett his pick of any girl in his kingdom.
The wizard was quite delusional thinking that he was king of this land, but the group didn't know any better and agreed to his offer.
"How will we find the Wicked Bitch of the West?" Bella asked as she looked at the 'You are Here' map that was displayed on the wall.
"I will have my flying Daddy Sea Monkeys take you there," the wizard proposed. Pulling out a little flute, he played a little tune which, in my opinion, reminded me of this other movie about a sugar addict but that's just me. I've already told you that I don't do a good job describing detail, but, if you think about it real hard, you might come to the conclusion that I am right.
Flying in one by one was an army of small little sea monkeys that were no bigger than quarters.
"Why do you call them Daddy Sea Monkeys," Bella asked. The vampires really didn't care, because they were too busy eating sea monkeys as though they were caviar. Emmett had brought in crackers, and, with Jasper's razor blade, they spread on quite nicely. I'm unsure where Emmett got the crackers, but I was afraid to approach a group of noming vampires. You can clearly see why I don't have the answer to that.
The wizard did some Harry Potter-like moves and contained the hungry vampires behind a force field and explained to Bella that each one of the sea monkeys had some sort of 'Baby Mamma's Drama' and since he had difficulty spelling each of their names he decided that it would be quite logical just to refer to them as Daddy Sea Monkeys instead of learning the proper way to spell everything.
Accepting his answer because Bella really could see the logic in calling them all Daddy, she dropped all further questions that were floating in around the cobwebs of her head. The wizard let down the force field that encaged the three vampires and instructed the Daddy Sea Monkeys to take them all to see the Wicked Bitch of the West. The Daddy Sea Monkeys were teeny tiny creatures like I've already told you. No bigger than a quarter but about as strong as a washing machine on the Heavy Duty cycle. It only took one monkey on each side to lift a person. Jacob wasn't very fond of being lifted by his fur, so Emmett decided to carry him ,which built the awkward sexual tension between the two to a newfound high. I'm not saying that anything happened, but let me just tell you that Jacob was more comfortable around the singing midgets once their flight was over.
Bella was very comfortable being lifted by the monkeys. She talked to them as though they were fish of the sea, which rather irritated the Daddy Sea Monkeys because everyone knows that sea monkeys and chicken of the sea are the two most intelligent creatures of the ocean. The sea monkey on her left shoulder explained to her that their race got in a bit of financial trouble with tax evasion a few years back and they were just paying of a debt so that their baby mamma's could live a peaceful life without having to worry when their next child support payment would come in.
Upon the arrival of the Wicked Bitch's castle (which looked more like a double wide trailer, but to sea monkeys it looked like a castle and to the short bitch who lived inside it was the size of a palace), they were nearly knocked over by the stench that floated in the air. Do you know how you never hear how lovely a bitch smells in the summer time? Well, there's a reason for that. The bitch stank.
Plugging their noses, Edward told the monkeys to wait for them in a nearby tree, and they would call them when they were ready to go home. The Daddy Sea Monkeys were hoping that none of them would think of this so they could just fly back to Twoz, which would leave the group stranded and give them something to talk about around the water cooler the next morning. Muttering to themselves, the Daddy Sea Monkeys did as they were told and perched in a tree full of owls. This wasn't the wisest decision considering that owls find Daddy Sea Monkeys to be a delicacy in that part of the world.
"Should we knock?" Bella asked her friends once they climbed the steps of her porch.
"I don't think it's necessary if we're just going to kill the Bitch," Emmett stated.
"Oh my! Kill her?" Bella gasped. "I thought we were just here to take her broom."
The vampires thought about this, and sure enough (which this was amazing all by itself and was almost cause for some sort of parade) Bella was correct. The wizard did not speak one word about killing the bitch. Looking over the trailer's porch, Bella spotted a rickety old broom that was used to sweep off dead leaves. "This will do," she announced, for there again the wizard never stated what the broom had to be used for, it just had to have a broomstick.
With glee on their faces, they called for the Daddy Sea Monkeys to carry them back home. The Sea Monkeys kind of felt swindled, because they knew that the vampires could run fast enough to take themselves back to Twoz. Since they had a debt to pay, they did as they were told. Edward had to fly lopsided because his other Daddy Sea Monkey was now living in the belly of an owl.
Not wanting to stick around for very long, the Daddy Sea Monkeys dropped Bella, Emmett, Jasper, Edward, and Jacob off at the front door of the castle where the wizard lived and flew back home to the ocean until they were called upon again.
The group followed the trail of drained midgets to the Wizard of Twoz's chamber, and, with hungry bellies, the three vampires seduced the unicorn in to believing that they were all swoony lover lous and then devoured her. It was rather awesome to watch. I really wish that I could explain how a unicorn has an orgasm, but I'm afraid there are no words that exist that could describe it to you. Let's just say that I'm pretty sure that's probably considered illegal in most states...and countries, for that matter.
Without a receptionist to announce their arrival, the group entered the Wizard's chamber unannounced and handed over the broomstick. The Wizard was utterly amazed that the Bitch still lived and they were able to obtain her broom without any bloodshed. Little did the wizard know, the vampires had gone all Godfather on the unicorn out front.
Unable to think of a way out, he decided to give Edward his shoelaces, took a box cutter out of his desk which he offered to Jasper, and handed Emmett a free ticket to the brothel over in The Birthstone of January City, which was about twenty miles north of where they were.
"But what about Bella?" Jasper cried as he sucked on his emo wrist from cutting it.
I really don't understand why he does it, really. I mean he's an emo vampire... does this make any sense to you at all? So, he cuts himself then feeds himself? What exactly is he getting from this. Well, I'm sure he'll never tell me, so let's just continue on with the story.
"Yeah, what about Bella?" Emmett chimed in.
I would have thought Edward would have said something, but he was too busy brooding in the corner now that he had his new shoelaces. He wasn't quite sure what to do with himself, and brooding seemed like the safest solution as any.
The wizard who looked like a Welsh dude that had played both a vampire and a werewolf in big budget movies stroked his chin then snapped his fingers.
Unsure as what to do for Bella (because it wasn't like the wizard had a hot air balloon tucked away in a storage unit that he he might have possibly came into Twoz on many years ago, hence tricking the singing midgets that he was a wizard and not some sort of Welsh dude that starred in monster movies that contradicted themselves), a brilliant idea flitted through his mind. The wizard approached Bella and asked her if she had learned any songs during her stay in Twoz. Bella said that she had learned one about the Vampire Brick Road, and, when asked to sing it, the three vampires perked up as if she was ringing a dinner bell. Within seconds, Bella was drained by her three friends while Jacob watched in sheer horror because he knew that he was next. And kids...he was.
So, there you have it my dear little children. A bedtime story that you can tell your children, although you might want to think about changing the ending for I really had no idea how on earth to get Bella home with out red slippers.
And what did we learn from this story?
It would be that if a beta reads a fairytale and tells her boss lady about some whacked up idea inside her head and if by chance the boss lady shows the slightest bit interest in the story the boss lady will more than likely have no trouble persuading (and by that I mean she didn't try hard because the beta is already messed up in the head...which is the best kind of beta to get to beta your work...in case you are looking for a beta you should get that kind of beta because that kind of beta is the best) the beta into writing it just because the beta thinks it's pretty awesome to hear her laugh.
If none of that made any sense... then my job here is done ;)
The end my cheeky monkeys... the end ;)
A/N: I wrote this quite a while ago but just couldn't keep it to myself any longer ;)
Special thinks to Afragilelittlehuman for pre-reading it, catching ferrets, and actually coming up with the word "TWOZ". That was most awesome!
Hugs and Kisses to Arden8283 for making me laugh so damn much, stroking my ego, and having such a love for the Land of Twoz. You're one crunch chewy cookie and I love you for that.
Hidden secret high five tracks to StraightjacketAimee. It was actually you that pocessed me to make Jasper the way I did ;) I hope that I made you proud lolz! I know... Jasper shouldn't be swoony... I tried harder with this one ;)
And tiny little cat licks to the Lemon Sisters. It's because of you two that I keep giving it a go.
Thanks for reading!