Okay, a little three-part fic of our Closet Fan heroes on a date. Halloween was days ago, I know, but who can't love the MAGIC of Soulfest? The Yeerks are put into dates and the only one for Visser Three is…yep, just Edriss. Will a spark be lit on their marvelous dating? What will their underlings have to do with it? And will the Animorphs rain on their parade?
Read and review! Dedicated to Sinister Shadow and Darth Vader es cool 5.
Warning: This ISN'T just in V3's POV. There's also Rissa (me), Visser One, and Marco. Also, you would have to have read the fifth chapter of Purgatory Bust to understand some of it.
Enjoy, mes copains!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1: Dare and Dinner
Visser Three
"Like, trick or treat, Visser!" Ellie said with glee.
(Oh for the sake of oatmeal, what're you doing now?) I asked.
You see, Ellie wasn't just in PINK clothes, she had on a BALLERINA PINK getup. In her left hand was a fluffy, pink bag and she kept twirling around, asking everyone that question. In fact, all the usual morons had costumes on. Sargimf was dressed up as a fricking pirate, with an eye patch, striped vest, and a belt with a sword swinging from it. Rissa was COVERED with green, scaly paint (wearing only a dark green bikini), with ceramic blades on her arms, legs, head, and on the tail she was dragging behind her on the floor (three guesses what she was). Iniss had a black cape, WHITE WHITE make-up, claws, and fangs that made his voice heard to define.
And who else was here? Visser One, of course, dressed as a belly dancer--as if she wasn't ALWAYS revealing her little self. She had a ankle length green skirt, a flowery red bra-like top and Indian make-up over her face.
WHY, oh WHY, do these things happen in my apartment?
"I vill suck yer vood!" Iniss said, raising his hands toward my neck.
(Get away, or I vill leave you in a voddle of your own vood,) I snapped.
"Lighten up, Visser," Sargimf said. "Tis a good night, it is. We be a celebrating the greatest human holiday of da year: Halloween. AAAARRR!"
(Thanks for the update, Captain Sargimf,) I groaned.
"It ta be Captain Jack Sparrow to ye, sir," he gruffed. "Even milady Edriss came at our partee in her esteemed loveliness. Lo, if my heart had not already belonged to two oder females, I'd give it ta herrrr as well."
"Two?" Iniss asked.
"I giveth it ta Milady Rissa and me oder love, da Sea Herself," he explained. "ARRR!"
"Say that one more time and I think I'm going to slug you," Visser One muttered.
"Yeah, like, don't over, like, say, like, some word," Ellie said, rolling her eyes. "Like, Visser, why aren't you, like, in costume?"
"Yeah, Visser, it's Soulfest!" Rissa said.
(It's a stupid holiday!) I growled. (The reason that species is still celebrating it on their own is BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T YET MADE THEM ALL INTO CONTROLLERS! It's a mockery of our failure so far. Why do you people want to celebrate THAT? Plus, there's the whole commercialization thing to it.)
"But VISSER!" Rissa protested. "It's the night we remember the druids of olden times, the ones of my--" Everyone besides Visser One and I sent her a suspicious glance, for reasons too OBVIOUS to tell. "I mean, the human's beliefs where the beginning of magic and science and such started. A time when the spirit realm and the mortal worlds collide so that the deceased may visit us. Especially you-know-who."
Oh great. A bit of tea time with Aldrea, Ellie's psycho-path other half, and Rissa and my demons. So, who brought the biscuits?
"Like, didn't they use to sacrifice, like, young virgins to, like, keep away the evil souls?" Ellie asked.
"That means everyone but Iniss is safe," Visser One quipped.
(So, aren't you supposed to go out and get tooth-rotting sweets?) I asked. I dreaded the idea of taking any of them to a dentist in PUBLIC.
"AAAR, it be a weird thing da great candy-givers did dis night of nights," the Hork-Bajir muttered. "Every street we came upon, da lights just went out. Poor folks. Must suck ta be in dat situation. No one can see ye."
"Yeah, I thought they only did that when they thought they saw suspiciously-looking teenagers that might sack their house…" Rissa pondered. "I mean, I even lit a tree branch on fire so they could see us better."
"Like, whatdaya all, like, wanna do?" Ellie asked.
They all sat there for a moment before an unseen light bulb went on. Iniss, of all people, started bouncing up and down on his heels. "I have an idea!"
"Oh my god, this day IS full of surprises," Visser One said.
Iniss ignored her and beamed a HAPPY smile at us. "We could all go on dates."
"Very creative," Rissa drawled.
"No really," Iniss whined. "It could be fun. We all go in costume and go wherever on Earth we choose. Even Sargimf. The humans will just think he's a Star Trek junkie or something, and won't look twice. C'mon. We're always stuck up in orbit plotting new schemes and trying to keep ahead of the Andalites in the war. Don't we deserve one break?"
(From you guys, yes,) I said.
"He's right, for once," Visser One said. "The Andalites have their own holiday going on right now, something called Sukra-Neave Desika. Spirit Night, I think. We Yeerks are probably the only ones still out and about on duty."
(Please, please, don't tell me you agree with him?) I begged.
"Like, he has a point," Ellie said "But, like, I'll pair us up. Like, Rissa and Sargimf go together, since, like, we remember what happened to that, like, human-Controller Robert, when he flirted with her."
"Poor guy," Rissa sighed. "I hope our doctors can sew him back up." She glared pointedly at the Hork-Bajir.
The Hork-Bajir snorted. "Loses one hand and suddenly he can gets all the attention in the world." He cowered under her glare. "Hey, he didn't need to kiss you."
"On the cheek." Rissa scowled. "He was French, Sar."
"Like, back to me, people," Ellie said. "Then me and Iniss since we, like, are the smartest and cutest here, like, no offense. And last but not least, Visser Three and One."
( "WHAT?" )
"You're, like the only two left," Ellie said.
"No, we've done this before. Two weeks ago, as I recall. Councilor Two thought it funny to put me and him together. Does anyone forget a certain infestation of Bandits wrecking the place?" Visser One argued.
"But you both have VISSER in your titles. You just belong together tonight," Iniss argued back.
(Like she said, no. You may as well stick a bloody Hork-Bajir with a hungry Taxxon and see how long they last. What makes you even think I would consider going along with this?) I asked. (Um, Rissa, what's that?)
From behind her back, the dragon girl had pulled out a very familiar looking book. "Oh, nothing. Ellie just found this under a certain blue-furred Controller's pillow," she said. "I must say, Ellie, Sargimf, and I had a blast reading it. Four stars."
"You seem so much happier here." Sargimf cleared his throat and said some very strange words. "Whee! What a day it has been, creatures. What a day! Why has it been such a GREAT DAY, you ask! Because today was MY BIRTHDAY! Why, I feel like humming "Happy Birthday". Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da, dear Visser! ... ... Okay, you are correct in saying that I am "odd" or "bizarre" or even "moronic", or even a "freaking witch", because those are all human words that make no sense. Like me!"
(No….no, please tell me that isn't…) I gasped, all three hearts shutting down.
"I like this passage more," Rissa chuckled. She massaged her neck a moment and said in a false-angry screech, "I AM NOT, I REPEAT, NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DAPSENISH, RETARDED, DISTURBING ACTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER. I WAS ON OATMEAL, I TELL YOU! OATMEAL!!!"
"Isn't that the part where you wrote about me…and you….?" Visser One started. She had once snuck in my room and read some of this marvelous book. Were those tears in her eyes?
Ellie started dancing in ballerina twirls. " I'm a Barbie girl. In a Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair! Undress me everywhere! ..." She was even nice enough to keep out the likes.
"Ooooh, I wanna read it!" Iniss cried. Actually, I think Visser One was the only one who literally cried. Thankfully, Andalites didn't have tear ducts.
"NOOO!" Visser One shouted.
(What do you want?) I basically squeaked.
"One date," Sargimf said, holding up a claw.
(Anything but that,) I moaned.
Rissa flipped to the next couple pages. "... And then... Well, let me just tell you it's a good thing Councilor Seven is waaaay too dumb to have room security."
(Okay, fine, just put it back!) I groaned.
-------------------------
(Still in Visser Three's POV)
I had morphed into a weird blended mix of Andalite and human. I had a humanoid shape, but was covered with blue-and-tan fur (relax, I was still wearing pants), stalk eyes, a bladed tail, and pointed ears. I know I'm explaining it all like a freakishly literal Andalite, but hey, give credit where credit's due. I looked good--in an insane, exotic way.
I ran a hand through the black-blue hair on my head. "Do I look alright?" I was being examined and watched by Ellie and Sargimf. Probably to keep me from leaping headlong out a window or something.
"No, like, you are a hideous mutant who should, like go around with a, like, bag on your head, but that's, like what counts," Ellie said.
"Y'know, if Ah didn't know betterrr, I'd say you actually wanted to go on a date with Visserrr One, arrr," Sargimf commented.
"Yeah, right," I said quickly, rolling my eyes. "I simply have to look better than her costume idea. So what do you think?"
"I think, you like, need a lobotomy," Ellie mumbled. "You, like, look fine. Have fun." She giggled. "If you like, see any Bandits on the road, like, floor it."
"Will do," I said.
I went out into the hallway of the hotel we'd, er, gone in through by the V.I.P. way. Which was Rissa/Iniss talk for: We landed a cloaked Bug Fighter on the roof and used to of the rooms to change in. Rissa, Sargimf, Ellie, Iniss, and I were in one, while T.E. was in the other with Visser One. I knocked on Visser One's door.
Visser One and the Taxxon came to the door. "About time," Visser one mumbled.
"So what will you two be doing tonight. I must say, I'm surprised," the Taxxon said.
"Let's just say, this was an enforced engagement," I answered.
"Yeah. We'll basically be hanging out or whatever humans say," Visser One added.
"Yeah. I guess you wouldn't need any money to do that," T.E. said. "I remember when I was on more active duty and met a few other females besides you, Edriss. Some of the best dates we ever had didn't require any Yeerk coins. We just found some secluded area and…" He stopped and turned around, grabbing a few bucks from a table. "Esplin, here's a hundred dollars in American money. Go see a movie or eat somewhere. Please spend it all! And, eh, stay in public."
"That was weird," I muttered as the Taxxon closed the door.
"I wonder what he was thinking," Visser One pondered.
-------------------------
Rissa
I looked down at the neat-o scanner Sargimf had gotten me after I… Well, skip the details, shall we? On it was a list of numbered and named spots, with a red, beeping dot in the center. I smirked at the crowd in front of me.
"Is, like, the homing device working?" Ellie asked for the umpteenth time.
"Yep. Fully functional," I answered.
T.E. shook his head at us, which was kind of cool since the lights kept shifting on his ruby red eyes. "I can't believe you went to such lengths as to spy on our Vissers. I thought even you four were far above that nonsense."
"What gave you, like that idea?" Ellie asked sarcastically.
"You four are--for lack of a better phrase--in for a world of hurt," T.E. said so helpfully. "You all know that, correct?"
"AAAR, we can handle Visser Three if he finds out," Sargimf said. Oh, he was soooo cute with that accent. I started crossing the room towards him, so proud and happy, and--
"I wasn't talking about him," T.E. warned. "I meant Visser One when she finds out you were tracking her." He rubbed one of his clawed pincers against his head. "I'd stop you or something, but I've got a major headache and Edriss is better at dealing out punishments."
I pouted at Sargimf, leaning up against him, and turned back to T.E. "Think about it, Taxxy. All those times the Bandits could've been ours. Remember the incident with the Andalite trying to send an S.O.S. message to one of our ships? We had them captured and sealed up in a box. They escaped."
"She's right," Iniss agreed.
"Then the hammerhead mutation incident," I added. "We could've had them and a new line of hosts, but nooo, who squabbles during the battle? Edriss and Esplin. They yammered so much I think the Animo--Andalites were probably confused as to who-was-on-who's side."
"We even got it on video," Sargimf added.
Iniss raised an eyebrow. "Didn't we send my tape to the Yeerk's Funniest Home Videos? Along with the teamwork moment?"
"ANYWAYS," I said, "what about two weeks ago at the Mexican place? In a room crowded with Yeerks and the Andalites still manage to escape."
"Well some of that was our fault…" Iniss muttered. "But back to the main point…"
"AAAR, ya see where we be a getting' at? If we can git both da Vissers toget'er, imagine what dings we'll be able to accomplish," Sargimf concluded. OOOhh, wasn't he, like, the smartest guy EVER? Oh, crap, now I'm talking like Elllie… Ahem.
"Well, I'll come with you then," T.E. said at last. All jaws dropped. "It's not what you think. I'll be there to keep you maniacs from destroying either of their reputations any more than you already have. Besides, what could happen?"
I slapped my forehead. "Did he just say what I think he said?"
Ellie groaned. "Like, yeah. Magic words."
--------------------
Visser One
Thankfully, we both made it to a restaurant without anything exploding, a gorilla pounding the side of the car, and no Mack trucks crashing into us sending us into a state of nothingness and hateful guiltiness. Unfortunately, someone still had yet to take Driver's Ed.
Okay, it was ME.
Well, hey, blame Eva, the host I ALWAYS had to use when I came for a visit on this planet. And people here were too slow. I mean, c'mon, how much time do you THINK you have before a Subaru going ninety hits you? Ugh, at least this wasn't our car. (Thank you addictive human-made larceny video games for the lessons. Very useful.)
"We're here," I said cheerfully. I turned to the side, seeing a freaky transformation of blue to green on Visser Three's face. "Oh come down, you big baby. All we hit were trick-or-treaters."
The retching sound stopped. "Why couldn't I drive?"
"You don't have a license," I chirped.
"DO YOU?!"
"Now, let's not dive into our personal lives before we eat. Oh, yay. Look, a Ponderosa. I haven't at one of those since this host's death," I said. "After all, you should be hungry for dinner since you lost your lunch just now."
"Hah hah."
There was a LONG silence as we TRIED to eat. Visser Three's costume only allowed him to consume vegetarian plates, and I, weeell, I wasn't going to give him a laugh by wolfing down nachos and burgers--I swear, humans are worse than Taxxons. So both of us sat there scraping lettuce leaves and tomatoes from one side of the plate to the other.
Well, we DID find ONE topic we were both cheerful to talk about.
"I can't wait to strangle those jackasses," I said. "I'll help Rissa remove that costume of hers with a nice pair of hot, searing gun. And I'll shove raw chicken meat down her boy friend's trachea. I'll paint Ellie's room and everything she owns black, and take her to a headbanger concert. Haven't thought of anything for Iniss though…"
"You are so unimaginative," Visser Three drawled. "Make all four of them watch an Ashley Simpson demo. I remember when I was in Purgatory, some stripper tried belting out the lyrics and…" He stopped.
That was when the LOOOOONG silence cut in. See, neither of us had discussed much of that place or experience since we, eh, escaped. I'm not sure how much the others remember, but I had been having nightmares of that time for weeks. Especially something that involved a choice…with Esplin and a demon…as well as Councilor Four and me…
"So you remember everything?" I asked.
"Yeah," he muttered, gulping down a glass of water. I tried to not think of the stares from the other humans--human or Controller--at us being the fact that we were quiet, but of the fact we were BOTH wearing retarded outfits. "Wish I didn't. That whole place gave me the creeps. I mean, Aldrea as a parole officer?"
"Who?" I asked. "Wait, you mean that Andalite who went nothlit?"
"The Hork-Bajir one. When we, um, astral traveled to your hospital and came back, guess who was there to greet us with open arms?" Visser Three muttered. "I almost nearly turn her into my host and suddenly I'm the most targeted guy in all of the spirit world."
"You were going to have a female host?" I asked, chuckling. The Yeerk who's always trying to push his masculinity on everyone and hates having a feminine Visser One in power, wanted to have a teenage, bratty Andalite girl for a host?
Visser Three scowled. "I was only ONE cycle at the time." He rolled his eyes at me, which freaked a few plain old humans out with the stalks. "Get off the floor, Visser One. It isn't that funny."
I shook my head and heard a strange noise. I blinked, coming off the ground and brushing my skirt off. "Hey, do you smell…smoke?"
--------------------
Marco
There are few things left in the life of an Animorph that one would call normal. Including Halloween, the BEST holiday of the year. Especially when I could beat any costume with my gorilla suit. I mean, the judge or whoever of a contest would be like, "Well, this one looks sort of real. And, yuck, look at that blood. And this…OMG! It's like this rubber gorilla face is attached! And this fur! OMG, OMG, OMG!" Take that, Simon.
But nope, not even this. Ax happened to have changed his remote into a tracker device. See where I'm going with this? Well, we caught on the signal of our greatest nemeses, duh duh duh… Visser Three and One. Together. These two hated each other worse than Tom and Jerry. Half of battles with both of them involved the two COMPLETELY ignoring us, while trying to KILL each other.
So now, cutting to the chase, we were in the parking lot, having borrowed some guy's Jeep--for the good of the human race, pal--and were outside in the parking lot of a Ponderosa. It was easy enough to spot the Vissers in costume, Visser three being a weird blend of Andalite and human, while my mom…VISSSER ONE was dressed as some Indian dancer.
Us? Keeping to holiday tradition--which after THREE hours Ax STILL didn't understand--we were in half-morphs, passing as trick-or-treaters. Enough animal so we couldn't be recognized and having half the animal's attributes of strength and all, while human enough so no one called Cassie's mom to round us up. Jake was half-tiger, me a gorilla hybrid, Cassie and Rachel being cliché werewolves, Ax half human, and Tobias looking like Angel from X-Men.
Coo l thing was, we were able to do mouth words AND thought-speak. I said to everyone else, (The ravens have entered the nest. I repeat, the ravens have entered the nest. Over.)
"Marco, shut up," Rachel snarled, hackles raised.
Jake shushed us. "Watch out for any body guards. I don't think they're dumb enough to go out without any protection."
(Roger that,) I answered. "I don't see anyone around here, though, not even a…HORK-BAJIR!" I wasn't scared, just, eh, surprised.
"YEOOOCH!" the green, scaly brute snapped, wearing a…pirate outfit. What was with these guys lately? I could've sworn Cassie said she saw one dressed in a suit two weeks ago. "You stepped on my tail! AAARR! What are you doing here?"
"What the…? Why's some idiot Hork-Bajir-Controller out in public?" I asked.
"Why you…" Big, Mean, and Ugly growled. "Stupid furball!"
Now he was throwing insults. Two could play at that. "Scaly moron!"
"Crap throwing primate!"
"Bark munching lizard!"
"Tick farm!"
"Wart farm!"
(Well, aren't we all a bit too mature tonight?) Tobias drawled, coming out from behind a car, talons ready. (Don't worry, Marco, I got a got your back…tick farm.)
"Shut up!" I threw back so very cleverly.
"Well well," some girl said, leaping down from a tree. She was covered in green scales, with a small bikini, blades everywhere, and a tail trailing behind her. "Don't harm my love!"
"What the heck are you wearing?" Rachel exclaimed. "You Yeerks look like bigger idiots than usual."
"Be careful how you address a Visser's secretary!" the girl hissed. "And I wouldn't be talking, flea bag."
"Secretary, huh? I don't see any Dracon Beams on you," Jake announced.
"We didn't think you, like, pests would like follow us," a girl dressed as a pink ballerina with tutu and slippers snapped. "We like thought even you like losers had like a life."
(You Yeerks are practically defenseless,) Ax said, whipping his bladed tail.
"Oh really?" said a vampire who looked a little like…Vice Principal Chapman??? "You want some of this, Andalite scum?" He balled his hands into fists.
"Bring it on!" Rachel growled.
"This is turning out to be a fun night," a Taxxon mumbled. Wonderful, a Hork-Bajir playing Captain Blackbeard, a girl trying to be a Hork-Bajir, and now a English-speaking Taxxon. Who were these people? "I knew I should've stayed home watching Phantom of the Opera."
"AAAR. Could we talk about this some other time? We have a battle going on if you haven't noticed," the Hork-Bajir grunted, ducking one of my swings. "DIE BANDIT!"
(Never trust the full moon,) Cassie grumbled. (All the weirdos come out.)
And that's when tree-girl lit some tree branches on fire and we facing a pyromaniac duo of lizard-girl and ballerina.
---------------------
Visser Three
I fiddled with the end of my fork. "Nah. Don't change the subject. You dragged us into it, remember?" I asked.
"Alright, alright, fine then." Visser One turned her head slightly, and I think that for the first time in a long while her façade of bitchiness cracked slightly. "I keep thinking of this one unclear part. Where I'm hanging from some high ceiling or whatever, and you're there."
I almost choked on a cucumber. "What happens?"
She shook her head and snorted. "I don't know." She sipped some water. "Wait, there's this part about screaming and you freaking out."
"Were you driving?" I asked, trying to vainly change the subject.
"I'm serious, Esplin," she hissed, and there was something like fear or whatever in her voice. "You have to know what was going on. I keep thinking that there was a choice involved, between Councilor Four and me."
My single heart started thudding painfully.
"You're standing there," she continued, "looking dumbfounded and scared and sickened. Like you have this terrible weight on your shoulders. And you aren't sure what you want. I…want…to know what you had to do and what it was--"
"YAAAAHHH!"
Both of us turned from our conversation to the chaos unfolding outside.
"Heads up, Tony!" Rissa cried, throwing a flaming stick at a tiger-like creature's backside.
"OW! HOTHOTHOT! MY BUTT!" he yelped, patting the flames out. "YOU ARE DEAD YOU BLADED BITCH!"
Sargimf and a gorilla were rolling around on the pavement, trying to beat the crap out of one another. "Let go of my tail!" Sargimf roared.
"Let go of my fur!" the primate bellowed.
A familiar, very literate Taxxon had snagged hold of one of the werewolves prancing and biting at him. The Taxxon turned away for a moment, dropped the blond lupine beast, and started hacking up. "OH! Yuck! I HATE meat! Awful, gross, stinking meat!"
(You gotta be kidding me,) one of the wolves exclaimed.
"I vill drink yer vood! MUAHAHA!" Iniss cried, using a street sign--no kidding--to beat the heck out of the only true blue Andalite lashing out his tail. "ANDALITE SCUM!"
(Please do not try to attempt humor, Yeerk filth,) the Andalite growled.
"Like, go to hell, you, bird-boy!" Ellie yelled, whipping a flame branch at a cross-breed of hawk-and-whatever. "I'll, like, teach you the meaning of, like, pain!"
"Are all Yeerks this brain dead?" the hawk shouted.
"Like, are you calling me stupid?"
"STOP SAYING LIKE!"
"Okay, that's it!" the tiger snapped. "Now we're getting serious!"
"You want serious?" Rissa cried, then laughed. LAUGHED. Visser One and I started sneaking out towards the back, pushing past people. "I'll give you serious!" She tossed a burning stick at him, which missed and landed on a smashed up car.
There was a round of "uh-oh" from everyone.
BOOOOM!
"You want to continue this somewhere else?" I asked Visser One sheepishly.
"Good idea," as we headed towards the other side of the parking lot and raced away in the Subaru. "I hear they're playing Saw Three."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should I continue this? What happens when the Vissers try to see a movie? And can the Animorphs and subordinates give them a break?