Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1, any of its characters, or any of the inventions. I don't even have any of the episodes on DVD. I also do not own anyone referenced in this fic that does not belong to me.
Author's Note: Previously written several years ago, I have finally decided to do what I've been planning to do for ages now: revise my stories, including this one. This story is now new and improved, and definitely different from the original. You might not even recognize it if you've read the first one. I also added some references to various military aspects present in various television shows. If you can catch them, you get a cookie.
The Changes: Originally a four-chapter story, I've meshed together chapters one and two and tossed chapters three and four. This is now an oneshot, with a length to surpass that of the original story. I've deleted several scenes and extended several others, as well as changed scenes and added others. The water concept from the original storyline is gone, replaced with a different idea that is actually slightly comprehensible. In addition, Colonel O'Neill now has a viable excuse to be in Daniel's office and all of the characters are more in character than originally. The new ending is also very different from the original, which included full body casts, very large needles, fleeing generals, and sadistic doctors. Many of those elements have now been removed, as has Doctor Fraiser's 'Medical Revenge Monthly,' if only because the magazine was unethical (and it didn't really fit in this new version). I kept the title of the story the same, if only because I couldn't think of a better one.
This takes place during one of the earlier seasons, while Jack was still a colonel, Sam was still a major, General Hammond was still the leader of Stargate Command, Teal'c was still bald, and Daniel and Janet were still alive.
Stuck on You
Jack O'Neill, Colonel Extraordinaire warily peeked around the corner of Daniel Jackson's office. The coast was clear, and he crept inside, looking like a toddler who knew he was doing something incredibly naughty. Humming the theme to Mission Impossible, he ducked behind Daniel's desk, narrowly missing knocking down several priceless artifacts teetering precariously on top of several boxes. He crouched behind the desk and carefully snaked his hand onto his desk. He was getting close to his prey, closer, closer….
"Colonel, what are you doing?"
Colonel O'Neill's hand jerked, and he glanced guiltily over the desk at an amused Major Samantha Carter.
"I…uh…dropped my yo-yo."
She raised her eyebrows at him. "…In Daniel's cup of coffee?"
Colonel O'Neill stood up and scratched his neck sheepishly.
Major Carter narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. "You weren't about to do what I think you were about to do, were you?"
"…No?"
She sighed in exasperation. "Colonel, the last time you switched Daniel's coffee with decaf he managed to put the entire base in lockdown for a week and General Hammond confiscated your GameBoy for a month."
"Well, he deserved it!" Colonel O'Neill glowered, and angrily grabbed Daniel's unsuspecting cup of coffee. "If you'd excuse me…"
Major Carter blocked his retreat. "You are not leaving this room with that coffee, sir."
Colonel O'Neill approached her, holding the coffee high above his head. "Move Major. That's an order."
"I'm sorry sir, but I am not moving until you give me that coffee."
"Carter…" he warned.
"Colonel…" she glared. "Give me that coffee."
"Make me."
Major Carter growled and lunged for the coffee, accidentally knocking the coffee cup out of Colonel O'Neill's hand and sending it spiraling into a large urn, where it landed with a loud SPLOSH.
The two officers stared at the urn in horror. "Daniel is going to kill us."
"No, he is going to kill you, sir."
They inched over to the urn and stared inside warily. The coffee cup lay inside, upside down, in an odd puddle of what looked like bright green tree sap.
"Can we just leave it in there? He'll never know."
Major Carter looked at O'Neill in disbelief. "It's an artifact, sir. Of course he's going to know!!"
"Well, we can just…extract it…and hide the evidence."
Major Carter nodded, and they both glanced into the urn again. The coffee cup had settled into the sap slightly; the sap glittered brightly in the dim lighting of Daniel's office.
"Age before beauty," Major Carter said, waving her superior forward. He winced, and cautiously snaked his hand into the urn, carefully grabbing the handle of the coffee cup. He frowned at the odd slimy feel of the object, and tried to raise it out of the sap. Keyword: tried. He tugged, ignoring a strange prickling feeling slowly crawling up his arm. It wouldn't budge.
"It's stuck."
Colonel O'Neill tugged harder, but it still wouldn't budge. He acknowledged his defeat and went to remove his arm from the urn, but his hand was stuck to the coffee cup. He frowned and yanked harder, bracing the urn with his other hand. He then raised the arm still inside the urn and began to bring it forcefully down onto Daniel's desk.
Major Carter hurriedly caught the rapidly descending urn attached to the colonel's arm. "Sir, what're you doing?! You'll break the urn!"
Colonel O'Neill turned his frown upon her. "That's the point Carter," he said calmly. "My hand is stuck in the damn thing."
The major looked at him and then at the large opening in the urn, then back at him. "That's not funny sir."
"Does it look like I'm laughing?! I'm stuck!"
She looked at him warily and cautiously stuck her arm into the urn, even though her instincts were telling her that one should never stick one's hand into strange urns, especially when said urns contain strange sap-like substances.
Her hand cautiously traveled deep into the urn until her hand met the back of the Colonel's, which was curled around the handle of Daniel's coffee mug. She went to remove her hand from the Colonel's in order to find the mug, and then frowned. She tugged. Then tugged again.
"…Sir?"
An exasperated sigh. "Yes Carter?"
"…I think I'm stuck."
"I told you so. You just had to stick your hand in too, just to prove me wrong."
"How would I have known I would get stuck, sir?" Major Carter glared.
"Oh, I don't know…maybe the words 'My hand is stuck in the damn thing?'"
Major Carter twitched. "I think my arm is tingling."
"Swell. We're stuck here with our hands in an urn and your arm is tingling. Now all we need is for Daniel to find us with our hands—and his coffee cup—in the urn and we'll be set."
"Why don't we go to the medical bay?"
"Ooh, just what Fraiser needs. More blackmail."
"Sir?"
"Yes Major?"
"Quit complaining."
Colonel O'Neill pouted childishly. "Yes Mother."
The two of them, the urn, the sap, and the coffee cup slowly stumbled over to Daniel's door. They both stuck their heads around the corner cautiously, and seeing the coast was clear, began to move toward the elevator.
The hallway was completely devoid of life and for that the two were profoundly grateful. Colonel O'Neill pressed the button to call the elevator and the two Stargate personnel nervously waited for the elevator to arrive.
"Colonel, did you have to mess around with Daniel's artifacts again?"
"I wasn't messing around with his rocks; I only had eyes for his coffee."
"If you hadn't decided to switch his coffee with decaf, we wouldn't be in this situation."
"No, if McIntyre hadn't decided to switch his coffee with decaf we wouldn't be in this situation."
"Are you telling me it was not you I saw switching his coffee with decaf then?" Carter asked exasperatedly.
"Nope, you saw me switching his decaf with caf."
"Oh, so that's what that was sir?"
"Yes."
Carter rolled her eyes and followed Colonel O'Neill onto the elevator, where a harried-looking Sergeant Harriman was holding his arm close to his chest. The two officers nodded to him.
"You too?"
"Yes sir," Harriman answered. "Captain Pierce got another dud."
Colonel O'Neill nodded knowingly. Stargate Command was debating having dogs assigned for each team, and were consequently training them. Captain Pierce, one of the dog trainers, somehow always ended up with the mean ones. They never lasted very long.
"We got our hands stuck in an urn."
The sergeant grinned at the two members of SG-1. "Another mishap in Daniel's office, sir?"
"Something like that," Major Carter muttered.
The elevator dinged and the doors slid open.
"Fifth Floor, needles, bedpans, and Napoleonic Powermongers. Watch your step, and have a nice day," Colonel O'Neill quipped as the three of them stepped out of the elevator.
The three military personnel, one urn, and one coffee cup trooped down the hall towards the medical bay. People couldn't help but turn to stare as they passed.
"Doc, we've got another problem!" Colonel O'Neill announced as they entered the infirmary. There was a sigh from the back of the room as the petite doctor turned around to face her newest patients.
"What have you done now?" Doctor Fraiser enquired as she stared at the duo. Sergeant Harriman had already been whisked away by a nurse.
"We're stuck," Colonel O'Neill admitted sheepishly. Doctor Fraiser walked over and peered at the urn dubiously.
"You're stuck," she deadpanned.
"We're stuck," confirmed Major Carter.
Doctor Fraiser examined the urn. It was about a foot tall, with its opening about six inches in diameter. It was colored in a mix of blue and silvers, and was overall a very beautiful urn. There was no obvious reason as to why the two officers should be stuck.
As she was looking over the urn, a sudden question popped into her head. "Why are your arms in the urn?"
"Coffee cup." And that explained everything.
"Well, I'm afraid there's no way to remove the urn short of breaking it open or cutting your arms off at the elbow."
Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill stared at her in horror.
"Bring out the bone saw, Doc."
Major Carter turned to O'Neill in alarm. "We are not cutting off my arm!"
He looked at her seriously. "We can either lose our arms to Fraiser's saw or we can lose our lives when Daniel hears what happened to his precious rock."
Her eyes widened. "He wouldn't…"
Doctor Fraiser sighed. "I am not going to cut your arms off. Not only would it be unethical, but also I would never hear the end of it from General Hammond. Bring your arms over here, please." She motioned towards a large table.
They exchanged looks and slowly moved towards the table, placing their arms on top of it. Doctor Fraiser took out a small hammer and began to strike carefully around the bottom of the urn. Cracks began to appear on its surface.
Doctor Fraiser continued to hit away at the urn while paint flakes began to chip off. Eventually the hammer broke through the urn; green sap began to slowly ooze out of the opening. Doctor Fraiser stared at it in shock.
"What is that?" She quickly grabbed a test tube and put in a sample of the green substance. Flagging down a passing nurse, she sent it off to be examined.
Doctor Fraiser eyeballed the urn warily. "Maybe we should leave it for now…"
"And leave our arms like this?" Colonel O'Neill asked. He grabbed the hammer from the doctor and began to hit away at it harder, pieces of pottery slowly settling in the slowly forming puddle of green sap. He moved the hammer up the urn's body methodically while the pottery pieces from the middle of the urn began to fall to the floor and table instead of into the green sap.
"Sir?"
Colonel O'Neill kept on hitting the urn with the hammer while pieces of the urn flew everywhere.
"Sir!"
He glanced at Major Carter in irritation. "What, Carter?"
"…I think it's dead sir. You can stop hitting it now."
All that was left of the urn was pieces of pottery. The strange green sap, now revealed to have streaks of dark brown, pooled ominously on the table. Daniel's '#1 Archaeologist' mug lay upside down in the middle of the puddle, partially covered by the sap.
Doctor Fraiser raised her eyebrow when she saw that Major Carter's hand was, in fact, on top of the Colonel's. "You can remove your hand now Major," she instructed. Major Carter looked at her incredulously.
"I can't. I'm stuck."
Colonel O'Neill stared at their hands worriedly. "Major?"
"Yes sir?"
"How long has your hand been on mine?"
"Since I put my hand in the urn, sir. Why do you ask?"
"…I thought you put your hand in the sap."
"No sir. I hit your hand sir."
Colonel O'Neill looked at her and Doctor Fraiser, worry shining in his eyes. "I can't feel my hand."
"Maybe it's just fallen asleep," supplied the major.
"Carter…I can't move my arm. I can't even twitch it!"
The major frowned, and then blinked. "I can't feel my hand either." She went to move her arm, but it wouldn't budge. She turned her eyes to Doctor Fraiser. "I think we have a problem."
"We have to get your hands free. Sam, I'm going to grab your arm above the elbow and pull. You're going to have to help me."
Major Carter nodded, and planted her feet firmly on the floor. Doctor Fraiser took a firm hold on the major's arm, and started to pull as hard as she could. As the two women pulled, Colonel O'Neill grabbed Major Carter's shoulder with his free hand to steady her. They pulled for a good two minutes, but neither hand budged.
The major sighed in defeat and went to remove the Colonel's hand from her shoulder. She frowned.
"Sir…your hand is stuck."
The Colonel was too busy warily eying a passing nurse who was carrying a tray of large shiny needles. "I know that Carter," he replied absently.
The doctor was busy trying to remove her hands from the major's arm, without success.
"Not that hand sir. Your other hand," sighed Major Carter.
Colonel O'Neill slumped. "For crying out loud!" he cried.
"We might as well get comfortable, we're probably going to be here for a while," sighed Doctor Fraiser.
Colonel O'Neill slumped even more. He took two steps back; he was unaware of what lay behind him.
Major Carter's eyes widened comically. "Sir, watch out for that—"
Colonel O'Neill tripped over the chair behind him, and if he could, he would have windmilled his arms in an attempt to regain balance. He fell and barely missed falling onto a nearby cot. Instead, he knocked briefly into another nurse carrying a tray of even more needles. There was a brief rain of dangerous sharp pointy objects, and when the air cleared Colonel O'Neill had somehow managed to land onto a chair, Major Carter had been pushed on top of his lap, and Doctor Fraiser was sprawled over the two. The handle on Daniel's mug had broken, so Colonel O'Neill's hand was now free, more or less.
"—chair," she finished weakly.
The unfortunate nurse scurried off, skittering on the various medical instruments and scattering them around the area.
"Thanks for warning me Carter," Colonel O'Neill replied sarcastically, "but you're a little late. Can you two get off of me?"
"I can't. I'm stuck." Major Carter turned her head to look at Doctor Fraiser. "Can you get up?"
The doctor shook her head.
Colonel O'Neill sighed. "Maybe we should find Teal'c."
"We can't sir. We're stuck," reminded Major Carter.
"I'm aware of that Carter." Colonel O'Neill's head drooped.
The nurse returned at a run with a bunch of gauze and began to string it up in a manner reminiscent of a cop stringing up yellow 'Police: Do Not Cross' tape.
"Don't forget the 'Do Not Touch' sign," Colonel O'Neill remarked sarcastically.
The nurse quickly ran off again, only to reappear with a piece of paper and a black marker.
Doctor Fraiser's head fell forward. "He was kidding," she moaned.
By now, the three were slowly gaining a crowd.
"What's going on?" asked a voice from the audience.
Daniel Jackson pushed his way through the crowd and stared at the three military officers in shock. He blinked at them. "Quit gawking Daniel and help us here," Colonel O'Neill growled.
"Sir, I don't think he knows we're stuck."
Doctor Fraiser chuckled. "He does now." Daniel just stared at them. Her eye twitched in irritation. "Don't just stand there, get your six over here and help us now!" she roared angrily.
He jumped. "Uh…" Daniel didn't want to know how they got like this, and he wasn't going to ask. He hurried over, ducked under the gauze, grabbed Doctor Fraiser by her shoulders, and pulled. She didn't budge. He went to reposition his hands, and froze. He tried to move them again.
"Uh…Jack?"
A sigh. "Yes Daniel?"
"…I think I'm stuck."
"Oh for crying out loud!"
Daniel's hands were now stuck to Doctor Fraiser's shoulders. Doctor Fraiser, in turn, was sprawled over Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill with her hands stuck to the major's arm. Major Carter was seated on Colonel O'Neill's lap with one hand stuck to his hand and the other hand stuck to his chest where she had tried to catch herself in the fall, while Colonel O'Neill was half-laying and half-sitting on the chair. It was decidedly uncomfortable.
There was a sudden stir as Teal'c pushed through the crowd to the group. He'd heard there was a situation in the infirmary and had suspected that somehow Colonel O'Neill was involved. The second he saw the sight in front of him he stopped and raised an eyebrow.
Colonel O'Neill lit up like a street kid at Christmas confronted with a veritable mountain of presents the size of Mount Everest. "Teal'c! Buddy! Help us out here!"
"I do not know, O'Neill. It appears you are stuck."
"Exactly!" Colonel O'Neill replied.
"Help! Teal'c, please! I have research!" yelped Daniel.
Teal'c paused and nodded before approaching the quartet. He examined the group from top to bottom, and then aimed a sharp kick to the chair. The chair's legs gave; they fell to the ground in a heap of body parts.
"That helped," commented Colonel O'Neill sarcastically.
"What's going on here?" questioned yet another voice from the audience.
Teal'c turned around to face the mysterious voice. The four misfortunate Stargate Command members exchanged looks before lurching in his direction in a mass of limbs. The last thing poor Teal'c saw was General Hammond's gleaming cranium before he was swamped by the moving limb pile.
"General Hammond! Hi sir!" Colonel O'Neill chirped cheerfully from his position on Teal'c's back.
General Hammond sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily. "Do I dare ask?"
"Probably not," replied Doctor Fraiser.
General Hammond nodded. "I expect to have you up and around by 1800," was all he said before turning around and leaving.
Five different voices called out in an attempt to bring him back, but he kept on walking until he stopped at the edge of the crowd.
"Lieutenant Roberts, go fetch Corporal Klinger. He recently acquired a new camera, and I overheard him telling Colonel Mackenzie about his wish to capture memorable moments at Stargate Command. I believe this qualifies."
A brunette man with a prosthetic leg saluted before taking off in search of the corporal while yells of disbelief echoed from behind him.
"I need to examine that new urn from P84-J4G1," protested Daniel.
Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, and Doctor Fraiser all paled.
"A new urn?" questioned Doctor Fraiser.
"Yes, its blue and silver. I'm only going to have it for today, so I have to get back to it!"
"Daniel, about that urn…" hesitated Colonel O'Neill.
"Jack…what did you do?"
He coughed. "It's more of a question of what did we not do."
"You didn't."
There was total and utter silence.
Daniel groaned loudly. "You did. You broke the urn. Please tell me you kept the sap inside it. It was supposed to go to the Science Department after me. I do not want my ass chewed out because you destroyed the only sample."
"Don't worry Daniel," Major Carter said consolingly, "there's still some sap over by the table, and there's already been a sample taken."
"Over by the table…?" He looked and his eyes widened in dismay at the sight of the pottery shards and sap. Fortunately, the coffee cup wasn't visible from his viewpoint.
"It was the major's fault!" Colonel O'Neill quickly added.
"Sir!" exclaimed Major Carter.
"…Partly," admitted Colonel O'Neill.
"Jack, when we get out of here, I'm going to kill you."
At this time the nurse who had previously been at the center of the 'flight of the medical instruments' walked by carrying a tray of coffee. In almost slow motion she slid on a large needle; the coffee flew out of her hands and drenched them from head to toe.
They let out various yells of pain as scalding hot coffee hit their skin.
Colonel O'Neill quickly covered his face with his hands shortly after the coffee splashed on it.
"It burns! It burns!" cried Daniel in pain as he quickly tried to keep his soggy clothing away from his skin.
It was Doctor Fraiser who noticed it first. "We're free!" she rejoiced.
The pitcher slowly rolled to a halt near Major Carter's left foot. She reached over and picked it up.
"Colombian Roast. Caffeinated," she read off of the label on the pitcher.
"It must have been the caffeine," she mused. "Somehow the mixture of ingredients in the decaffeinated coffee must have reacted with the sap to create an agent similar to that of super glue and caused an extremely thin film of the sap to spread over anything it touched; the addition of caffeine must have canceled the effects."
"Carter!"
"Sorry sir."
The group of spectators that had formed in the infirmary quickly dissipated with discontented grumbles. A brown-skinned man with a large nose and a camera entered the room, looked around hopefully, and then left in disappointment.
They all let out sighs of relief.
"I have patients to attend to," commented Doctor Fraiser as she left.
Daniel sighed heavily and went to scavenge what was left of the urn while Teal'c left to begin his kel'no'reem.
Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter left the infirmary, walking by the extremely tall man known as 'Detective Goren' around the base and who was writing something down on a small notepad.
"Ya know," began Colonel O'Neill as they stood at the elevator, "Daniel's cup didn't have decaf in it."
He boarded the elevator and grinned at Major Carter's dumbstruck look.
"…It was the pitcher."
Silence reigned for a brief period of time as Major Carter slowly boarded the elevator.
It was broken by a soft ding as the elevator doors closed, which was immediately followed by a loud yell from the infirmary.
"JACK! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY COFFEE CUP?!?!"
End