Chapter Notes:

Hi everyone! This is a story I decided to write while I was in my depressed moods. I just thought I'd share it with you, hope you all would still enjoy it.

"Who do the Strong go when they have to be Weak?"

(O.O)

She was sitting on the bed, alone in her room at a run down motel in a small town in between Sunnydale and LA. She was crying, finally letting the pain she had been holding in since the fall of her hometown to come out in the open. She couldn't show it earlier after the town went down, nor could she have shown it on the bus because everyone was relying on her, like always, to handle things and lead them on what they should do next. So she had held it all in because she knew she couldn't let them see her like this.

To cry, to show she was in pain, was a sign of weakness, and she couldn't have that. Be weak in front of the troops. She couldn't do that in front of them because then they would doubt her again, question her decisions and probably kick her off rank, and she knew she couldn't handle that. Not again, not now. Especially not now that he wasn't there to pick up the pieces of her already broken and worn down heart.

Because if it were to happen again would truly break her, and she couldn't have that.

Because he wouldn't want that to happen. He wouldn't her to break. He wanted her to be strong. And he loved her strength, that's what he said.

So she'll be strong and not let anyone see her pain, her weakness. So she hid her emotions to avoid any possible conflict, and continued to lead the group to their next destination, which was the motel they were currently staying. She was able to get the motel owner to give them rooms at the cheap price, then ordered Giles to take the bus to the nearest hospital to get their injured tended. Willow and Kennedy were assigned to find them food and new clothing, since none of them brought any at the time of the battle because not one of them expected that they would have had to, after all this was the first apocalypse they had ever faced that had left them homeless and with no personal belonging besides the clothes on their back, so no one at the time thought it was necessary to pack their clothes.

She choked at the thought of it. Everything was gone. Her mother's house, their clothes and special belongings, like Dawn's diaries, Mr. Gordo, her family's pictures, Spike's Engagement-everything, it was all gone.

After getting food in their stomachs and a chance to shower and change into nicer and cleaner clothes, she talked to Giles on what to do from there on out. She shared her opinions, as what was expected of her, and had let her Watcher decide what to do with what she said. Whether or not he accepted her ideas and use them, she did not care. She was far beyond the stage where she would believe him to be someone she could rely on. He no longer held such kind of trust from her, in fact no one in her group held her trust anymore. She would lead them, yes. Protect them, of course. But to trust them? Believe in them as she did in the past? No, she couldn't do that any more. She didn't have it in her heart to give them that. They broke her trust, and there's nothing they could do to earn it back.

After the meeting with Giles, she told everyone to rest, and said that they all did a great job. She left the group after that and retired to her room, which she was glad she had been able to acquire without having to share it with anyone. She locked the door, crawled to her bed, hugged her pillow and finally she began to cry.

She let the tears fall, but controlled her sobs by hiding and biting on the pillow to prevent any noise from escaping.

It wouldn't do her any good after all if her friends were to hear her, because she knew exactly what they would do if they did. They would come in her room, talk to her, pretend to comfort her before telling her that it was wrong to cry, especially for someone like Spike. They might even throw a good verbal joke about her vampire or say that he wouldn't want her acting like this to make it look like they were being her friends instead of the selfish prejudistic assholes she now knew they were.

Her mind wandered on those last two days where he held her in her arms and gave her strength. She thought about what he said that night in that abandoned house, about her being the one. And finally she remembered the last words he said to her when she finally had the courage to tell him how she truly felt for him.

No you don't, but thanks for saying it.

It had hurt her then. In fact, it was still hurting her now. Knowing just how much she lost because she was too stubborn, too stupid, too scared to just admit her feelings to the one person who trusted her, cared for her and loved her unconditionally. He was her pillar of strength, her lieutenant, and best friend, and he died not believing he was loved by her.

She was angry too. Angry at the world for living but not knowing that it owed its continued existence to her vampire, at whoever gods that ruled the planet for letting him die, and at her friends for not taking a moment of their time to feel grateful at the vampire, they always viewed as a nuisance, for saving their lives earlier that day.

Not one of them wondered where he was. Not one of them asked about him. And not one of them cared enough to think if they should try put up a tribute for him like they had done for the rest of their fallen warriors. No one but her prayed for Spike at the small pyre they made behind the motel. She was the only one who missed him and she was angry at everyone for that.

He wasn't perfect. No one was. But he tried, and continued to try and change himself, for her. But what did she do? She always threw it at his face. All of his efforts, all of his deeds? She, along with her friends, simply downgraded them to nothing. Even regaining his soul, which was suppose to be consider an amazing thing for a soulless vampire to do, was not enough to impress them, rather it was simply something that serve as nuisance back then because it was the reason the First had such great hold of him.

She regretted that now. She regrets a lot of things that had to do with her vampire. And those regrets turned to bigger tears that she silently wept on her pillow.

"I'm sorry, Spike," she softly whispered in between her low sobs, "I did love you, I still do. I'm so, so sorry..."

A gentle knock on her door snapped her out of her silent agony.

"Buffy?" the person called from the other side of it.

Dawn, she recognized. Immediately, she hurriedly fixed herself. She ran to her bathroom and washed her tear stained face. She wet her hair too to make it look like she had been in the shower, before slipping out of her dirty clothes, which she hadn't taken the time earlier to remove, and putting on a towel.

She did all this in a span of 20 seconds, a world record if she could say so herself. But at the moment she wasn't in the mood to bask in her speedy changing skills. At the moment she was busy putting on a mask for her little sister. The same sister who threw her out of her own house.

"Dawnie?" she asked as she opened the door. She noted that her sister had changed clothes and was carrying a shirt and jeans on her arms.

"Um, I brought you some clothes from the ones Willow and Kennedy brought. I sort of noticed that you didn't took any from earlier," the brunette teen explained.

Her eyes widened at the truth of that statement. She really had forgotten to get any for herself. Her mind was so focused earlier on getting herself alone in one room that she totally forgotten about it.

Not a good thing to happen if you wanted everyone to not suspect anything strange, like crying for your undead lover, from you.

She simply smiled though, to hide her anger at herself for doing something so stupid, and took the offered clothes.

"Thanks, Dawnie! Sorry you had to trouble yourself. Ditsy Buffy was at it again," she joked.

"It was no trouble," her sister replied. She shifted on her feet and was looking expectantly at her older sister.

"Do you need anything else?" Buffy asked, wanting to hurry and end their conversation.

"Um, no. Not really," was the teen's reply.

She nodded at this, before slowly shutting the door.

"Buffy!" Dawn called out, stopping her from completely closing the wooden entrance to her room.

She stared at her sister and waited for what the other still had to say.

"Um-I was just wondering..."

"What, sweety?" she asked tilting her head slightly in the process.

"Are you okay?"

She felt like she was slapped at that question.

Was she okay?

No, absolutely not. Was her answer in her head.

But to her sister she replied with a big smile. "Of course, I am! Just a little tired and sore. But I'll be fine in the morning, sweety. Is there anything else you wanted from me?"

"Um, no, nothing else really."

"Okay, well, goodnight, Dawn."

And she completely closed the door. She knew she hadn't really convinced her sister, but she knew there was nothing Dawn could do since he had just shut her out. So instead of worrying about it, she returned to her bed and got back to mourning the man she lost.

(-)

Chapter End Notes:

Thanks for reading, and hoped it was fun. Please leave a review to tell me how it was. Thanks again!