FINAL FANTASY VIII
Deck the Garden with Boughs of Holly
(Open to Balamb Garden, the halls. The place has been decorated for Christmas. Selphie runs down the corridor like the hot, spunky, cute, gorgeous, oh, sorry,... ahem, Selphie runs down the corridor towards the Quad)
Selphie: #Hark the herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn King! Something something la la la!#
(Cut to the Quad. Irvine, Zell, Quistis and some other Balamb students are there. The lesser-known students are decorating the Christmas tree together. Selphie runs in)
Quistis: That's it, students! Put a little more tinsel on the top! That's it, yes! Spread those legs!
Selphie: Hello, everybody!
Irvine: Hi, babe! What's up?
Selphie: Is that the Christmas tree? Oh, it looks so beautiful, I could scream!
Zell: It's okay... Needs more balls though.
Irvine: (laughs) You said "balls."
Quistis: Irvine, don't be so immature!
Irvine: Aw, c'mon bitch! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Zell: Fudge!
Irvine: What's the matter?
Zell: I haven't written my letter to Santy Claus yet.
Selphie: Are you crazy?!
Irvine: Yeah, everyone knows there's no such thing as-
Selphie: I wrote mine weeks ago! You'd better get a move on, Zell. You don't wanna leave these things to the last minute. Santa's a very busy man, you know.
Zell: I know! Ms. Trepe? May I be excused?
Quistis: Why?
Zell: I have to write my letter to Santy Claus!
Quistis: Oh, oh, all right then, but be sure to report back here later. We've got lots more decorations to put up.
Zell: Thanks, Ms. Trepe!
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is there with Xu)
Cid: Isn't Christmas the most wonderful time of the year, Xu?
Xu: Y... Yes... sir.
Cid: It's so nice of everyone to get involved with the Christmas cheer, don't you think?
Xu: Ab... Absolutely, sir.
Cid: But there's one thing missing here at Balamb Garden, Xu.
Xu: What's that, sir?
Cid: We don't have a Santa Claus.
Xu: I... I see.
Cid: Trabia Garden has a Santa Claus. Galbadia Garden has a Santa Claus. Everyone has a Santa Claus... except us.
Xu: ...
Cid: Don't you find that a little odd, Xu?
Xu: N... Not really, sir.
Cid: Well I do. I find it very odd. And that is why I have come to a decision.
Xu: What sort of decision, sir?
Cid: Balamb Garden needs a Santa Claus. So, I have taken the liberty to hire out one of those snazzy Santa Claus suits, and I want YOU to be our Santa.
Xu: M... Me?!
Cid: Yes, I think you'd be perfect, Xu.
Xu: Forgive my rudeness, sir, but can't someone else do it?
Cid: No. No one else would be good enough. You're the only one in this godforsaken place who I think could handle the job.
Xu: I... I really don't think I shoul-
Cid: Silence. I won't hear of any excuses. You're doing it. (rubs his hands together) God, I love Christmas. (Xu sweatdrops)
(Cut to the Quad. The students have finished decorating the tree)
Quistis: Excellent work, everyone! Oh, and Casey? (an attractive looking student turns around) Meet me in my office after dinner. I have a special job for you. (winks)
Selphie: Oh, Ms. Trepe!
Quistis: What is it, Selphie?
Selphie: We forgot to put a star on top of the tree! That's bad luck!
Quistis: No, it isn't. But you're right. We do need a star on the tree. Irvine?
Irvine: Yeah?
Quistis: Go up there and put this star (gives Irvine a golden star) on top of the tree.
Irvine: Aw... do I have to?
Quistis: Yes, you do! Now hop to it! (Irvine groans and climbs the ladder to the top of the tree)
Selphie: Go, Irvy! Woo! (Quistis puts her head in her hands)
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Zell is sitting at his desk. Squall walks in)
Squall: Hey, Zell.
Zell: Oh, hey, Squall.
Squall: What are you doing?
Zell: I'm writing my Christmas list to Santy Claus. It isn't going so well though.
Squall: What's wrong?
Zell: I can't think of anything I want for Christmas. To be honest, I already have everythin' I need.
Squall: Oh...
Zell: What did you ask Santy Claus for?
Squall: I asked him for some new leather pants... oh, and some time away from Rinoa. Somehow I don't think he can get me that, though.
Zell: Damn! I wish I could think of somethin' to ask him for!
Squall: How about some new PSX games?
Zell: Yeah... or how about a PS2?! I haven't got one of those babies yet! And I'm gonna need one since Final Fantasy X is out anytime soon!
Squall: Well there you go.
Zell: Squall, you're a genius! (kisses Squall on the cheek)
Squall: ?!?!?!?!?!
Zell: ...
Squall: Let's, uh, let's not mention that ever again, okay?
Zell: Okay. (nervously writes his list)
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is pacing the floor)
Xu: Well sir, what do you think?
Cid: Hm? (Xu steps out dressed as Santa Claus) My, my! You look fantastic, Xu!
Xu: I don't feel fantastic. All this extra padding is making me hot. Also, this beard is itchy and makes me want to scratchy.
Cid: You'll soon get used to it.
Xu: Sir, I don't think I can do this. I'm sure someone else could do a much better job.
Cid: Jesus, Xu. What's wrong with you? Anyone would think you don't like Christmas.
Xu: Actually, sir, now that you mention it-
Cid: Tell me later, Xu. Right now you have somewhere else to be.
Xu: Where?
(Cut to the Quad. Xu is sitting inside Santa's Grotto. Nida and Rinoa are dressed as elves. A line of students has formed before them)
Xu: This is so degrading... I mean, ho ho hooo! (Rinoa, wearing an oh-so short green and red mini skirt, approaches with Zell)
Rinoa: Santa, we have another visitor for you.
Zell: Santy Claus!! (runs in and jumps on Xu's lap)
Xu: Ho ho--ow! I mean, hello little boy!
Zell: Hi, Santy Claus! How're you?
Xu: I'm fine. And what would you like for... uh, Christmas, little boy?
Zell: I'm glad you asked, Santy. I'd really, really, really, really like a PS2 this year. I mean, really.
Xu: Oh, well Santa will see what he can do for you, Zell.
Zell: Thanks, man!
Xu: You're welcome.
Zell: Aw, you're too kind! Cuddles! (cuddles Xu tightly) Hmm... Santy Claus?
Xu: Yes?
Zell: (squeezes lightly) Are those... Are those boobies?
(Cut to the cafeteria. Squall, Irvine and Selphie are sitting at their usual table)
Squall: Are you guys going to the Christmas party tomorrow night?
Irvine: You bet we are! Huh, babe?
Selphie: Irvy and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Will you and Rinoa be attending, Squall?
Squall: I dunno yet... Rinoa wants us to go, but...
Irvine: Aw, c'mon Squall! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Squall: I'll think about it. I'm not really into parties. I'd rather stay home and stick it to Rinoa. Uh, do my homework... Yeah, I'd rather stay home and do my homework.
Selphie: ...
Irvine: ...
Squall's Brain: Look dude, be careful what you say in front of others. You're not on your own now, y'know.
Zell: (runs in) You guys!!
Squall: Zell? Is something wrong?
Zell: Nope! Everything's fine, Squall, man!
Irvine: Then why the hell are you running around, screaming like a maniac?
Zell: I've jus' been to see Santy Claus down at the Grotto! He said he's definitely gonna try 'n' get me a PlayStation 2 for Christmas!
Selphie: Oh my gosh! He's here?!
Zell: Damn right! Haven't you seen him yet?
Selphie: Heck no! I've been too busy!
Zell: If ya wanna see him before five-thirty then ya better hurry. The line is like, whoa.
Selphie: I'm outta here! (gets up and runs away)
Irvine: (snorts) Santa Claus! Pfft!
Zell: Oh yeah, and did you guys know Santy Claus has titties now?
Irvine: Titties, eh? Would you guys excuse me for a moment? (gets up and leaves)
Zell: Woo hoo! Christmas is the best!
(Cut to the Quad. Selphie is with Xu in the Grotto)
Selphie: ...and I want one of those stuffed moogles... and, and my very own chocobo - a real one now, not stuffed - oh, and do you think you could get me some new tampons? This is so embarrassing, but I've run out and I'm desperate.
Xu: ...Sa... Santa will do his best.
Selphie: Aw, thank you, Santa! You're a lifesaver! (kisses Xu)
Xu: (shudders) Next please! (Selphie jumps off Xu's lap and is led away by Nida)
Rinoa: (brings Irvine in by the arm) Welcome to Santa's Grotto.
Irvine: (drools) Wow, Rinoa! You look stunnin', baby! What's say you and me hot foot it off somewhere later? What time do you finish here?
Rinoa: (giggles nervously, then scowls) If you don't let go of my arm, I'll break it for you!
Irvine: (lets go of Rinoa's arm) Whatever you say, ma'am! (sits on Xu's lap)
Xu: Aren't you a big boy?
Irvine: Hey! You bet your big, fat, red ass I am!
Xu: Ahem! What would you like for Christmas, young man?
Irvine: (squeezes Xu's boobies) You. What're you doin' after work?
Xu: (quietly) Get your hands off me, Irvine!
Irvine: Xu?! Is that you?!
Xu: Ho ho hooo! I'm Santa Claus, little boy! Ho ho hooo!
Irvine: Is that so? Then since when has Santa had (tugs her beard off) a removable beard?! (Xu gasps along with the rest of the students)
Student #1: Good lord! Santa's a fake!
Student #2: Yeah, and by the looks of those lumps on his chest, he's a woman too!
Xu: Ho ho hooo! Uh, please don't be alarmed, children! Um, Santa Claus is very busy at this time of year and, uh... he, he sometimes gets so busy that he has to assign his helpers to, uh, take his place and... talk, yes, talk to the children instead!
Student #1: Oh... riiight. Now I get it. It's okay, everyone, it's just one of Santa's little helpers... like the elves.
Student #2: Dude, that elf with the black hair is hot.
Student #3: Totally! I wouldn't mind gettin' her in my stocking!
Student #4: I haven't had sex in four years.
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Xu, still dressed as Santa, is there with Cid)
Cid: Well Xu, you certainly did mess up this time. I thought I could trust you with this job, I mean, after all, it isn't rocket science.
Xu: Sir, if you'd let me explain-
Cid: I'd rather not. You were just lucky the students believed your cock and bull story about being one of Santa's helpers. I am so very disappointed in you, Xu.
Xu: Sir, did you ever stop to think that I-
Cid: (puts his hands over his ears) La-la-la! I'm not listening! La-la-la!
(Cut to the cafeteria, the next day. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie are waiting in line for lunch)
Rinoa: So here's the plan, guys: we all meet up in the lobby at seven o'clock, and then we head on over to the party in the mood for fun, fun, fun! Everyone okay with that?
Irvine & Zell & Selphie: Sure! Yeah!
Squall: (quietly) No.
Xu: Look, I've told you three times now, Ms. Lunch Lady! I don't want any Christmas pudding!
Lunch Lady: But it's free!
Xu: Yes, I know that, but-
Lunch Lady: And it tastes great. It's 100% fat free too.
Xu: It doesn't matter! The bottom line is that I don't want any!
Lunch Lady: As you wish. (gives her a plate of mush) Here's your tuna fish then. Enjoy.
Zell: Whoa, Xu! Somethin' the matter?
Xu: No, nothing's the matter. I just don't want any Christmas pudding with my lunch, that's all. (walks off towards a nearby table)
Zell: Well I won't say no to Christmas pudding. You got any Christmas turkey to go with it?
Lunch Lady: The turkey doesn't go on sale till tomorrow.
Zell: All right. I'll have a Christmas hot dog instead.
Lunch Lady: There's... There's no such thing.
Zell: Oh... Well just gimmie a hot dog with some Christmas tinsel wrapped around it then. (the party collect their lunch and sit down at Xu's table)
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Balamb... this is your headmaster speaking. Please could all students make sure their letters to Santa have been completed and handed over to the Garden Faculty members by three o'clock this afternoon. Those students who fail to hand their letters in risk receiving absolutely nothing from Kris Kringle himself this year. Thank you, oh, and Merry Christmas.
Zell: Whoa! You hear that, guys?!
Selphie: I've got nothing to worry about. I've already handed my Christmas list over.
Irvine: Me too.
Rinoa: Yep.
Squall: Right here.
Zell: Eh, I'll do it later.
Xu: ...
Selphie: Haven't you handed yours over yet, Xu?
Xu: ...well, not exactly.
Irvine: Well you better get your ass into gear. You heard what the old festive fart said.
Selphie: What did you ask for for Christmas, Xu?
Xu: Oh, for the love of...! Shut up! Shut up, all of you! Shut up!!
Selphie: ...
Irvine: ...
Squall: ...
Xu: Listen to you all. You've talked about nothing but Christmas for the last month! Can't you just go five minutes without mentioning the darn thing?!
Zell: ...Christmas.
Xu: That does it! I can't stand it anymore! I am out of here! (gets up and leaves)
Irvine: Just what the Sam Hill is up with that chick?!
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Seifer, Raijin and Fujin are there)
Cid: I'm sick and tired of seeing you three in my office every single day. Why can't you all behave and stay out of trouble?
Seifer: ...
Cid: I'd punish you, but what the hey. It is Christmas. Just promise you'll never kill a fellow student ever again.
Seifer: We... We promise.
Cid: Good. Now get the hell out of my sight and Merry Christmas. (the three friends leave, as Xu walks in) Ah Xu, how find you on this glorious day?
Xu: Headmaster Cid, I would like to talk with you. It... It's very important.
Cid: I'm sorry, Xu. I'd love to chat, but I have to help the Garden Faculty with the students' Christmas lists. (gets up)
Xu: But sir-
Cid: We'll talk later, Xu. I promise. (leaves; Xu sighs)
(Cut to the Quad. Most of the Balamb students are there for the Christmas party. "All I Want for Christmas is You" is playing in the background. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie are there too)
Selphie: Wow! Great party, huh?
Squall: The music's too loud.
Selphie: What?!
Squall: The music's too loud.
Selphie: What?!
Squall: The music's too loud.
Selphie: What?!
Squall: Nothing! Forget it!
Selphie: What?!
Rinoa: A lot of people turned up, that's for sure. I never expected this many.
Irvine: Yeah. Me neither. And another thing, how come the library was closed tonight? I wanted to take out that book on the history of pornography... (his friends stare at him) ...to help me with my homework project.
Selphie: We don't have any homework project of that kind, Irvy.
Irvine: I'm, uh, pretty sure we do.
Selphie: No, I don't think so.
Zell: She's right. I haven't heard of any project involvin' pornography either...
Irvine: Yeah, but... the library's closed, you guys! The library!!
(Cut to the library. A sign on the door reads: "YOU'RE A STUDENT, YES? THEN GO AWAY!" Inside the library, Cid and the Garden Faculty members are looking over the students' Christmas lists to Santa. There are also lots of unopened sacks, which contain even more letters, in the room)
Cid: Look at this. It says here on this girl's list she wants a dilbo.
Garden Faculty Member: That's supposed to be dildo, right?
Xu: (comes in) Headmaster Cid? May I have a brief word?
Cid: Xu? What's the matter? Did you forget to hand over your Christmas list?
Xu: Sir, we have to talk.
Cid: Xu, I explained earlier. We'll talk later. Now do you have a list in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Xu: Sir, I don't celebrate Christmas!!
Cid: ...
Xu: There. I said it. I don't celebrate Christmas. Sorry to blurt it out like that, but it was the only way I could get you to listen.
Cid: Xu, I...
Xu: I'm Jewish, sir. Us Jews don't celebrate Christmas. That's the reason I've been so stressed out lately, and that's the reason why I didn't want to be the Garden's Santa Claus.
Cid: I had no idea, Xu.
Xu: Yes, well, it's not the sort of thing I like others to know. I hope you're not mad.
Cid: Mad? Why on earth would I be mad? It doesn't matter that you don't celebrate Christmas. In fact, I'm rather glad you don't.
Xu: You are?
Cid: Yes, because now I don't have to worry about buying you a Christmas present. (Xu frowns) I'm kidding! I'll get you something nice for Hanukkah instead! You celebrate that, right?
Xu: Yes, I do.
Cid: That's all right then. Okay fellas, let's get back to these letters... (picks up a letter and reads) Tampons? Aren't they those round, orange things?
Garden Faculty Member: No, they're tangerines.
CID: Oh. (picks up another letter) What's a PS2?
Garden Faculty Member: Sir, why don't you let us take care of the lists?
(Cut to Squall's dorm, the next day. Squall wakes up and rubs his head. Rinoa is lying beside him)
Squall: Ugh... how much did I drink last night?
Rinoa: Half a can of beer and three glasses of water.
Squall: Oh... then how come I don't feel so good?
Rinoa: Squall, were you listening to me? You had HALF a can of beer.
Squall: Ugh... (pukes up)
(Cut to the cafeteria. Some students are there, and they are all hung over. Irvine and Selphie are also present)
Irvine: Remind me never to drink fourty beers ever again, babe.
Selphie: Aw, c'mon Irvine! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Irvine: Not funny, babe.
Zell: (walks in) Hey dudes! I hope you feel as good as I look!
Irvine: Begone, Zell. Hung over. Hurt very. Also think I brained my damage. Beer kills brain cells.
Zell: I'll come back when you're makin' some sense! Oh, but before I go, I thought I'd remind you that it's only two days until Christmas!!
Irvine: That's very interestin', Zell. Tell me again when I'm feeling better. I'll be able to appreciate the good news then.
Zell: Is that all you can do? Sit there and bitch? 'Cause that's what bitches do, Irvine.
Rinoa: (she and Squall walk in) Hello, everyone! Ooh, you look rough, Irvine!
Irvine: Ugh...
Selphie: Don't talk to Irvy. He's extremely hung over.
Squall: I know the feeling! My head's killing!
Zell: Look at you guys! You're all actin' like a bunch of... a bunch of... I don't know, but it sucks! C'mon, it's only two days till Christmas! Show some enthusiasm! Me myself, well, I can't wait for this day to be over!
(Cut to Zell's dorm, Christmas Eve. He wakes up in bed)
Zell: All right! Yesterday's over! It's Christmas Eve!
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is there with Xu)
Cid: Ah... another Christmas Eve is upon us. Wonderful, isn't it, Xu? (Xu frowns at him) Oh, oh, right, sorry I forgot about the "I don't celebrate Christmas" thing. Well, never mind, Xu. You've always got Hanukkah to fall back on. By the way, that reminds me. I got you a present. (pulls out something from under his desk and gives it to Xu)
Xu: Oh, how precious! Thank you, sir!
Cid: Don't thank me. You haven't seen what it is yet.
Xu: (opens the present) It's... It's very nice... (pulls up a revealing thong) And it's, uh, it's in my size, too. How... How did you know? (Cid taps his nose)
(Cut to the library. Irvine is reading a book on pornography. Selphie comes in and he quickly hides it)
Irvine: Hi there, babe. Lookin' good, as usual.
Selphie: We're all going over to Esthar to get some last minute Christmas presents. You wanna come, Irvy?
Irvine: Sure! There's nothing I love more than buying last minute Christmas presents! 'Cept for sticking it to you, of course.
Selphie: Oh, Irvy! There'll be plenty of time to get me wet later! C'mon!
(Cut to Esthar, the mall. The party are walking around the stores. Rinoa is carrying several shopping bags already)
Rinoa: Oh, look everyone! (walks up to a shop window) That's such a cute dress! Oh, buy it for me, Squall, buy it for me!
Squall: (reads the price tag) 4000 gil?! Do they think we're made of money?!
Rinoa: But Squally, I bought all these nice things for you! Can't you buy me something nice in return?!
Squall: Rinoa, you don't buy lots of presents for others just so they'll buy lots for you. That's not what Christmas is all about.
Rinoa: Yes it is! (tilts her sexy head) Please Squally!
Squall: (sighs) I'll use my credit card.
Rinoa: Yay!!
Zell: Whoa! Check out that store across the street! They sell novelty keychains! I'm gonna go check 'em out! (runs over to the store) Wow! Limited edition Final Fantasy IX keychains! Geez, there's Zidane and Vivi, and, ooh, Princess Garnet! I gotta get one of these for Mom!
Irvine: He's such an idiot. (looks across the street) Wow! Crash Bandicoot action figures! Selphie, they've got Crash Bandicoot actions figures!
Selphie: ...so?
Irvine: Buy me Coco, Selphie! Buy me Coco!!
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the lobby. The party return with their shopping bags full of gifts)
Rinoa: We sure did push the boat out this year.
Selphie: Yeah, these bags are really heavy.
Irvine: Shall I hold them for you, babe?
Selphie: Yes, oka--no way! You just wanna see what I bought you! I know all your tricks, Irvy!
Irvine: Damn!
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Attention students! All students must retire to their dorms before ten o'clock tonight. That is all.
Irvine: Ten o'clock?! Is he insane?!
Selphie: Probably.
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Oh, and students? Merry Christmas!
Xu: (over the loudspeaker; in the background) Must you rub it in, sir?
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Aw, c'mon Xu! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Squall: Is that this holiday's slogan or something?
(Cut to Zell's dorm, Christmas Day. He wakes up and yawns)
Zell: Ahh... (rubs his eyes) Holy crap! It's Christmas Day! (jumps out of bed)
(Cut to the Quad. Lots of students are there opening their Christmas presents. Zell runs in and approaches his friends)
Zell: Merry Christmas, everybody!!
Irvine: Merry freakin' Christmas to you too, Zell. Here. (gives Zell a wrapped gift)
Zell: (opens the gift) Socks... right, thanks. (throws them over his shoulder) Oh, baby! Is that my pile?! (runs over to a pile of presents and reads the labels) Holy cow! It is!
Rinoa: (opens a gift) Wow! It's that oh-so cute dress I pointed out yesterday! Thank you, Squall! (kisses him)
Squall: (nervous laugh) ...uh, don't mention it, Rinoa. (opens a gift) A mug? Who bought this?
Irvine: I think that's from me.
Squall: Well I hate it. (picks up and opens another gift) Ah, cool. It's that leather jacket I asked for. Now this is more like it.
Irvine: (sheds a tear) All I can try is my best...
Selphie: Here Irvy! (gives him a gift) Open it!
Irvine: (opens the gift) Yeehaw! It's Coco Bandicoot! Thanks so much, babe! (French kisses Selphie)
Selphie: Ooh Irvy!
Squall: This sure has been a Christmas to remember.
Rinoa: It'll get better too, Squall. (whispers) I bought a little something for myself yesterday. How do you feel about me in really sexy underwear?
Squall: ...horny. Very horny.
Zell: Well guys, I guess now there's only one thing left to do.
Selphie: What's that, Zell?
Zell: #Hark the herald angels sing!#
Selphie: #Glory to the newborn King!#
Everyone: #Peace on earth and mercy mild! God and sinners reconciled! Joyful all ye nations rise! Join the triumph of the skies! With th' angelic host proclaim! Christ is born in Bethlehem! Hark the herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn King!#
Zell: Now let's all get drunk and play ping-pong! (everyone cheers)
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THE END__________
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MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS!
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Deck the Garden with Boughs of Holly
(Open to Balamb Garden, the halls. The place has been decorated for Christmas. Selphie runs down the corridor like the hot, spunky, cute, gorgeous, oh, sorry,... ahem, Selphie runs down the corridor towards the Quad)
Selphie: #Hark the herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn King! Something something la la la!#
(Cut to the Quad. Irvine, Zell, Quistis and some other Balamb students are there. The lesser-known students are decorating the Christmas tree together. Selphie runs in)
Quistis: That's it, students! Put a little more tinsel on the top! That's it, yes! Spread those legs!
Selphie: Hello, everybody!
Irvine: Hi, babe! What's up?
Selphie: Is that the Christmas tree? Oh, it looks so beautiful, I could scream!
Zell: It's okay... Needs more balls though.
Irvine: (laughs) You said "balls."
Quistis: Irvine, don't be so immature!
Irvine: Aw, c'mon bitch! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Zell: Fudge!
Irvine: What's the matter?
Zell: I haven't written my letter to Santy Claus yet.
Selphie: Are you crazy?!
Irvine: Yeah, everyone knows there's no such thing as-
Selphie: I wrote mine weeks ago! You'd better get a move on, Zell. You don't wanna leave these things to the last minute. Santa's a very busy man, you know.
Zell: I know! Ms. Trepe? May I be excused?
Quistis: Why?
Zell: I have to write my letter to Santy Claus!
Quistis: Oh, oh, all right then, but be sure to report back here later. We've got lots more decorations to put up.
Zell: Thanks, Ms. Trepe!
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is there with Xu)
Cid: Isn't Christmas the most wonderful time of the year, Xu?
Xu: Y... Yes... sir.
Cid: It's so nice of everyone to get involved with the Christmas cheer, don't you think?
Xu: Ab... Absolutely, sir.
Cid: But there's one thing missing here at Balamb Garden, Xu.
Xu: What's that, sir?
Cid: We don't have a Santa Claus.
Xu: I... I see.
Cid: Trabia Garden has a Santa Claus. Galbadia Garden has a Santa Claus. Everyone has a Santa Claus... except us.
Xu: ...
Cid: Don't you find that a little odd, Xu?
Xu: N... Not really, sir.
Cid: Well I do. I find it very odd. And that is why I have come to a decision.
Xu: What sort of decision, sir?
Cid: Balamb Garden needs a Santa Claus. So, I have taken the liberty to hire out one of those snazzy Santa Claus suits, and I want YOU to be our Santa.
Xu: M... Me?!
Cid: Yes, I think you'd be perfect, Xu.
Xu: Forgive my rudeness, sir, but can't someone else do it?
Cid: No. No one else would be good enough. You're the only one in this godforsaken place who I think could handle the job.
Xu: I... I really don't think I shoul-
Cid: Silence. I won't hear of any excuses. You're doing it. (rubs his hands together) God, I love Christmas. (Xu sweatdrops)
(Cut to the Quad. The students have finished decorating the tree)
Quistis: Excellent work, everyone! Oh, and Casey? (an attractive looking student turns around) Meet me in my office after dinner. I have a special job for you. (winks)
Selphie: Oh, Ms. Trepe!
Quistis: What is it, Selphie?
Selphie: We forgot to put a star on top of the tree! That's bad luck!
Quistis: No, it isn't. But you're right. We do need a star on the tree. Irvine?
Irvine: Yeah?
Quistis: Go up there and put this star (gives Irvine a golden star) on top of the tree.
Irvine: Aw... do I have to?
Quistis: Yes, you do! Now hop to it! (Irvine groans and climbs the ladder to the top of the tree)
Selphie: Go, Irvy! Woo! (Quistis puts her head in her hands)
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Zell is sitting at his desk. Squall walks in)
Squall: Hey, Zell.
Zell: Oh, hey, Squall.
Squall: What are you doing?
Zell: I'm writing my Christmas list to Santy Claus. It isn't going so well though.
Squall: What's wrong?
Zell: I can't think of anything I want for Christmas. To be honest, I already have everythin' I need.
Squall: Oh...
Zell: What did you ask Santy Claus for?
Squall: I asked him for some new leather pants... oh, and some time away from Rinoa. Somehow I don't think he can get me that, though.
Zell: Damn! I wish I could think of somethin' to ask him for!
Squall: How about some new PSX games?
Zell: Yeah... or how about a PS2?! I haven't got one of those babies yet! And I'm gonna need one since Final Fantasy X is out anytime soon!
Squall: Well there you go.
Zell: Squall, you're a genius! (kisses Squall on the cheek)
Squall: ?!?!?!?!?!
Zell: ...
Squall: Let's, uh, let's not mention that ever again, okay?
Zell: Okay. (nervously writes his list)
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is pacing the floor)
Xu: Well sir, what do you think?
Cid: Hm? (Xu steps out dressed as Santa Claus) My, my! You look fantastic, Xu!
Xu: I don't feel fantastic. All this extra padding is making me hot. Also, this beard is itchy and makes me want to scratchy.
Cid: You'll soon get used to it.
Xu: Sir, I don't think I can do this. I'm sure someone else could do a much better job.
Cid: Jesus, Xu. What's wrong with you? Anyone would think you don't like Christmas.
Xu: Actually, sir, now that you mention it-
Cid: Tell me later, Xu. Right now you have somewhere else to be.
Xu: Where?
(Cut to the Quad. Xu is sitting inside Santa's Grotto. Nida and Rinoa are dressed as elves. A line of students has formed before them)
Xu: This is so degrading... I mean, ho ho hooo! (Rinoa, wearing an oh-so short green and red mini skirt, approaches with Zell)
Rinoa: Santa, we have another visitor for you.
Zell: Santy Claus!! (runs in and jumps on Xu's lap)
Xu: Ho ho--ow! I mean, hello little boy!
Zell: Hi, Santy Claus! How're you?
Xu: I'm fine. And what would you like for... uh, Christmas, little boy?
Zell: I'm glad you asked, Santy. I'd really, really, really, really like a PS2 this year. I mean, really.
Xu: Oh, well Santa will see what he can do for you, Zell.
Zell: Thanks, man!
Xu: You're welcome.
Zell: Aw, you're too kind! Cuddles! (cuddles Xu tightly) Hmm... Santy Claus?
Xu: Yes?
Zell: (squeezes lightly) Are those... Are those boobies?
(Cut to the cafeteria. Squall, Irvine and Selphie are sitting at their usual table)
Squall: Are you guys going to the Christmas party tomorrow night?
Irvine: You bet we are! Huh, babe?
Selphie: Irvy and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Will you and Rinoa be attending, Squall?
Squall: I dunno yet... Rinoa wants us to go, but...
Irvine: Aw, c'mon Squall! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Squall: I'll think about it. I'm not really into parties. I'd rather stay home and stick it to Rinoa. Uh, do my homework... Yeah, I'd rather stay home and do my homework.
Selphie: ...
Irvine: ...
Squall's Brain: Look dude, be careful what you say in front of others. You're not on your own now, y'know.
Zell: (runs in) You guys!!
Squall: Zell? Is something wrong?
Zell: Nope! Everything's fine, Squall, man!
Irvine: Then why the hell are you running around, screaming like a maniac?
Zell: I've jus' been to see Santy Claus down at the Grotto! He said he's definitely gonna try 'n' get me a PlayStation 2 for Christmas!
Selphie: Oh my gosh! He's here?!
Zell: Damn right! Haven't you seen him yet?
Selphie: Heck no! I've been too busy!
Zell: If ya wanna see him before five-thirty then ya better hurry. The line is like, whoa.
Selphie: I'm outta here! (gets up and runs away)
Irvine: (snorts) Santa Claus! Pfft!
Zell: Oh yeah, and did you guys know Santy Claus has titties now?
Irvine: Titties, eh? Would you guys excuse me for a moment? (gets up and leaves)
Zell: Woo hoo! Christmas is the best!
(Cut to the Quad. Selphie is with Xu in the Grotto)
Selphie: ...and I want one of those stuffed moogles... and, and my very own chocobo - a real one now, not stuffed - oh, and do you think you could get me some new tampons? This is so embarrassing, but I've run out and I'm desperate.
Xu: ...Sa... Santa will do his best.
Selphie: Aw, thank you, Santa! You're a lifesaver! (kisses Xu)
Xu: (shudders) Next please! (Selphie jumps off Xu's lap and is led away by Nida)
Rinoa: (brings Irvine in by the arm) Welcome to Santa's Grotto.
Irvine: (drools) Wow, Rinoa! You look stunnin', baby! What's say you and me hot foot it off somewhere later? What time do you finish here?
Rinoa: (giggles nervously, then scowls) If you don't let go of my arm, I'll break it for you!
Irvine: (lets go of Rinoa's arm) Whatever you say, ma'am! (sits on Xu's lap)
Xu: Aren't you a big boy?
Irvine: Hey! You bet your big, fat, red ass I am!
Xu: Ahem! What would you like for Christmas, young man?
Irvine: (squeezes Xu's boobies) You. What're you doin' after work?
Xu: (quietly) Get your hands off me, Irvine!
Irvine: Xu?! Is that you?!
Xu: Ho ho hooo! I'm Santa Claus, little boy! Ho ho hooo!
Irvine: Is that so? Then since when has Santa had (tugs her beard off) a removable beard?! (Xu gasps along with the rest of the students)
Student #1: Good lord! Santa's a fake!
Student #2: Yeah, and by the looks of those lumps on his chest, he's a woman too!
Xu: Ho ho hooo! Uh, please don't be alarmed, children! Um, Santa Claus is very busy at this time of year and, uh... he, he sometimes gets so busy that he has to assign his helpers to, uh, take his place and... talk, yes, talk to the children instead!
Student #1: Oh... riiight. Now I get it. It's okay, everyone, it's just one of Santa's little helpers... like the elves.
Student #2: Dude, that elf with the black hair is hot.
Student #3: Totally! I wouldn't mind gettin' her in my stocking!
Student #4: I haven't had sex in four years.
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Xu, still dressed as Santa, is there with Cid)
Cid: Well Xu, you certainly did mess up this time. I thought I could trust you with this job, I mean, after all, it isn't rocket science.
Xu: Sir, if you'd let me explain-
Cid: I'd rather not. You were just lucky the students believed your cock and bull story about being one of Santa's helpers. I am so very disappointed in you, Xu.
Xu: Sir, did you ever stop to think that I-
Cid: (puts his hands over his ears) La-la-la! I'm not listening! La-la-la!
(Cut to the cafeteria, the next day. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie are waiting in line for lunch)
Rinoa: So here's the plan, guys: we all meet up in the lobby at seven o'clock, and then we head on over to the party in the mood for fun, fun, fun! Everyone okay with that?
Irvine & Zell & Selphie: Sure! Yeah!
Squall: (quietly) No.
Xu: Look, I've told you three times now, Ms. Lunch Lady! I don't want any Christmas pudding!
Lunch Lady: But it's free!
Xu: Yes, I know that, but-
Lunch Lady: And it tastes great. It's 100% fat free too.
Xu: It doesn't matter! The bottom line is that I don't want any!
Lunch Lady: As you wish. (gives her a plate of mush) Here's your tuna fish then. Enjoy.
Zell: Whoa, Xu! Somethin' the matter?
Xu: No, nothing's the matter. I just don't want any Christmas pudding with my lunch, that's all. (walks off towards a nearby table)
Zell: Well I won't say no to Christmas pudding. You got any Christmas turkey to go with it?
Lunch Lady: The turkey doesn't go on sale till tomorrow.
Zell: All right. I'll have a Christmas hot dog instead.
Lunch Lady: There's... There's no such thing.
Zell: Oh... Well just gimmie a hot dog with some Christmas tinsel wrapped around it then. (the party collect their lunch and sit down at Xu's table)
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Balamb... this is your headmaster speaking. Please could all students make sure their letters to Santa have been completed and handed over to the Garden Faculty members by three o'clock this afternoon. Those students who fail to hand their letters in risk receiving absolutely nothing from Kris Kringle himself this year. Thank you, oh, and Merry Christmas.
Zell: Whoa! You hear that, guys?!
Selphie: I've got nothing to worry about. I've already handed my Christmas list over.
Irvine: Me too.
Rinoa: Yep.
Squall: Right here.
Zell: Eh, I'll do it later.
Xu: ...
Selphie: Haven't you handed yours over yet, Xu?
Xu: ...well, not exactly.
Irvine: Well you better get your ass into gear. You heard what the old festive fart said.
Selphie: What did you ask for for Christmas, Xu?
Xu: Oh, for the love of...! Shut up! Shut up, all of you! Shut up!!
Selphie: ...
Irvine: ...
Squall: ...
Xu: Listen to you all. You've talked about nothing but Christmas for the last month! Can't you just go five minutes without mentioning the darn thing?!
Zell: ...Christmas.
Xu: That does it! I can't stand it anymore! I am out of here! (gets up and leaves)
Irvine: Just what the Sam Hill is up with that chick?!
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Seifer, Raijin and Fujin are there)
Cid: I'm sick and tired of seeing you three in my office every single day. Why can't you all behave and stay out of trouble?
Seifer: ...
Cid: I'd punish you, but what the hey. It is Christmas. Just promise you'll never kill a fellow student ever again.
Seifer: We... We promise.
Cid: Good. Now get the hell out of my sight and Merry Christmas. (the three friends leave, as Xu walks in) Ah Xu, how find you on this glorious day?
Xu: Headmaster Cid, I would like to talk with you. It... It's very important.
Cid: I'm sorry, Xu. I'd love to chat, but I have to help the Garden Faculty with the students' Christmas lists. (gets up)
Xu: But sir-
Cid: We'll talk later, Xu. I promise. (leaves; Xu sighs)
(Cut to the Quad. Most of the Balamb students are there for the Christmas party. "All I Want for Christmas is You" is playing in the background. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie are there too)
Selphie: Wow! Great party, huh?
Squall: The music's too loud.
Selphie: What?!
Squall: The music's too loud.
Selphie: What?!
Squall: The music's too loud.
Selphie: What?!
Squall: Nothing! Forget it!
Selphie: What?!
Rinoa: A lot of people turned up, that's for sure. I never expected this many.
Irvine: Yeah. Me neither. And another thing, how come the library was closed tonight? I wanted to take out that book on the history of pornography... (his friends stare at him) ...to help me with my homework project.
Selphie: We don't have any homework project of that kind, Irvy.
Irvine: I'm, uh, pretty sure we do.
Selphie: No, I don't think so.
Zell: She's right. I haven't heard of any project involvin' pornography either...
Irvine: Yeah, but... the library's closed, you guys! The library!!
(Cut to the library. A sign on the door reads: "YOU'RE A STUDENT, YES? THEN GO AWAY!" Inside the library, Cid and the Garden Faculty members are looking over the students' Christmas lists to Santa. There are also lots of unopened sacks, which contain even more letters, in the room)
Cid: Look at this. It says here on this girl's list she wants a dilbo.
Garden Faculty Member: That's supposed to be dildo, right?
Xu: (comes in) Headmaster Cid? May I have a brief word?
Cid: Xu? What's the matter? Did you forget to hand over your Christmas list?
Xu: Sir, we have to talk.
Cid: Xu, I explained earlier. We'll talk later. Now do you have a list in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Xu: Sir, I don't celebrate Christmas!!
Cid: ...
Xu: There. I said it. I don't celebrate Christmas. Sorry to blurt it out like that, but it was the only way I could get you to listen.
Cid: Xu, I...
Xu: I'm Jewish, sir. Us Jews don't celebrate Christmas. That's the reason I've been so stressed out lately, and that's the reason why I didn't want to be the Garden's Santa Claus.
Cid: I had no idea, Xu.
Xu: Yes, well, it's not the sort of thing I like others to know. I hope you're not mad.
Cid: Mad? Why on earth would I be mad? It doesn't matter that you don't celebrate Christmas. In fact, I'm rather glad you don't.
Xu: You are?
Cid: Yes, because now I don't have to worry about buying you a Christmas present. (Xu frowns) I'm kidding! I'll get you something nice for Hanukkah instead! You celebrate that, right?
Xu: Yes, I do.
Cid: That's all right then. Okay fellas, let's get back to these letters... (picks up a letter and reads) Tampons? Aren't they those round, orange things?
Garden Faculty Member: No, they're tangerines.
CID: Oh. (picks up another letter) What's a PS2?
Garden Faculty Member: Sir, why don't you let us take care of the lists?
(Cut to Squall's dorm, the next day. Squall wakes up and rubs his head. Rinoa is lying beside him)
Squall: Ugh... how much did I drink last night?
Rinoa: Half a can of beer and three glasses of water.
Squall: Oh... then how come I don't feel so good?
Rinoa: Squall, were you listening to me? You had HALF a can of beer.
Squall: Ugh... (pukes up)
(Cut to the cafeteria. Some students are there, and they are all hung over. Irvine and Selphie are also present)
Irvine: Remind me never to drink fourty beers ever again, babe.
Selphie: Aw, c'mon Irvine! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Irvine: Not funny, babe.
Zell: (walks in) Hey dudes! I hope you feel as good as I look!
Irvine: Begone, Zell. Hung over. Hurt very. Also think I brained my damage. Beer kills brain cells.
Zell: I'll come back when you're makin' some sense! Oh, but before I go, I thought I'd remind you that it's only two days until Christmas!!
Irvine: That's very interestin', Zell. Tell me again when I'm feeling better. I'll be able to appreciate the good news then.
Zell: Is that all you can do? Sit there and bitch? 'Cause that's what bitches do, Irvine.
Rinoa: (she and Squall walk in) Hello, everyone! Ooh, you look rough, Irvine!
Irvine: Ugh...
Selphie: Don't talk to Irvy. He's extremely hung over.
Squall: I know the feeling! My head's killing!
Zell: Look at you guys! You're all actin' like a bunch of... a bunch of... I don't know, but it sucks! C'mon, it's only two days till Christmas! Show some enthusiasm! Me myself, well, I can't wait for this day to be over!
(Cut to Zell's dorm, Christmas Eve. He wakes up in bed)
Zell: All right! Yesterday's over! It's Christmas Eve!
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is there with Xu)
Cid: Ah... another Christmas Eve is upon us. Wonderful, isn't it, Xu? (Xu frowns at him) Oh, oh, right, sorry I forgot about the "I don't celebrate Christmas" thing. Well, never mind, Xu. You've always got Hanukkah to fall back on. By the way, that reminds me. I got you a present. (pulls out something from under his desk and gives it to Xu)
Xu: Oh, how precious! Thank you, sir!
Cid: Don't thank me. You haven't seen what it is yet.
Xu: (opens the present) It's... It's very nice... (pulls up a revealing thong) And it's, uh, it's in my size, too. How... How did you know? (Cid taps his nose)
(Cut to the library. Irvine is reading a book on pornography. Selphie comes in and he quickly hides it)
Irvine: Hi there, babe. Lookin' good, as usual.
Selphie: We're all going over to Esthar to get some last minute Christmas presents. You wanna come, Irvy?
Irvine: Sure! There's nothing I love more than buying last minute Christmas presents! 'Cept for sticking it to you, of course.
Selphie: Oh, Irvy! There'll be plenty of time to get me wet later! C'mon!
(Cut to Esthar, the mall. The party are walking around the stores. Rinoa is carrying several shopping bags already)
Rinoa: Oh, look everyone! (walks up to a shop window) That's such a cute dress! Oh, buy it for me, Squall, buy it for me!
Squall: (reads the price tag) 4000 gil?! Do they think we're made of money?!
Rinoa: But Squally, I bought all these nice things for you! Can't you buy me something nice in return?!
Squall: Rinoa, you don't buy lots of presents for others just so they'll buy lots for you. That's not what Christmas is all about.
Rinoa: Yes it is! (tilts her sexy head) Please Squally!
Squall: (sighs) I'll use my credit card.
Rinoa: Yay!!
Zell: Whoa! Check out that store across the street! They sell novelty keychains! I'm gonna go check 'em out! (runs over to the store) Wow! Limited edition Final Fantasy IX keychains! Geez, there's Zidane and Vivi, and, ooh, Princess Garnet! I gotta get one of these for Mom!
Irvine: He's such an idiot. (looks across the street) Wow! Crash Bandicoot action figures! Selphie, they've got Crash Bandicoot actions figures!
Selphie: ...so?
Irvine: Buy me Coco, Selphie! Buy me Coco!!
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the lobby. The party return with their shopping bags full of gifts)
Rinoa: We sure did push the boat out this year.
Selphie: Yeah, these bags are really heavy.
Irvine: Shall I hold them for you, babe?
Selphie: Yes, oka--no way! You just wanna see what I bought you! I know all your tricks, Irvy!
Irvine: Damn!
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Attention students! All students must retire to their dorms before ten o'clock tonight. That is all.
Irvine: Ten o'clock?! Is he insane?!
Selphie: Probably.
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Oh, and students? Merry Christmas!
Xu: (over the loudspeaker; in the background) Must you rub it in, sir?
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Aw, c'mon Xu! Lighten up! It's Christmas!
Squall: Is that this holiday's slogan or something?
(Cut to Zell's dorm, Christmas Day. He wakes up and yawns)
Zell: Ahh... (rubs his eyes) Holy crap! It's Christmas Day! (jumps out of bed)
(Cut to the Quad. Lots of students are there opening their Christmas presents. Zell runs in and approaches his friends)
Zell: Merry Christmas, everybody!!
Irvine: Merry freakin' Christmas to you too, Zell. Here. (gives Zell a wrapped gift)
Zell: (opens the gift) Socks... right, thanks. (throws them over his shoulder) Oh, baby! Is that my pile?! (runs over to a pile of presents and reads the labels) Holy cow! It is!
Rinoa: (opens a gift) Wow! It's that oh-so cute dress I pointed out yesterday! Thank you, Squall! (kisses him)
Squall: (nervous laugh) ...uh, don't mention it, Rinoa. (opens a gift) A mug? Who bought this?
Irvine: I think that's from me.
Squall: Well I hate it. (picks up and opens another gift) Ah, cool. It's that leather jacket I asked for. Now this is more like it.
Irvine: (sheds a tear) All I can try is my best...
Selphie: Here Irvy! (gives him a gift) Open it!
Irvine: (opens the gift) Yeehaw! It's Coco Bandicoot! Thanks so much, babe! (French kisses Selphie)
Selphie: Ooh Irvy!
Squall: This sure has been a Christmas to remember.
Rinoa: It'll get better too, Squall. (whispers) I bought a little something for myself yesterday. How do you feel about me in really sexy underwear?
Squall: ...horny. Very horny.
Zell: Well guys, I guess now there's only one thing left to do.
Selphie: What's that, Zell?
Zell: #Hark the herald angels sing!#
Selphie: #Glory to the newborn King!#
Everyone: #Peace on earth and mercy mild! God and sinners reconciled! Joyful all ye nations rise! Join the triumph of the skies! With th' angelic host proclaim! Christ is born in Bethlehem! Hark the herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn King!#
Zell: Now let's all get drunk and play ping-pong! (everyone cheers)
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THE END__________
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MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS! MERRY XMAS!
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