Can't Let You Go
Prologue/ Sweet Misery
By Sailor Premonition
I was lost
And you were found
You seemed to stand on solid ground
I was weak
And you were strong
And me and my guitar,
We strummed along, oh
Sweet misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery you cause me
I was blind
But oh how you could see
You saw the beauty in everything
And everything in me
I would cry
And you would smile
You'd stay with me a little while
Sweet misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery you cause me
And in my heart I see, oh
What you're doing to me
And in my heart I see, oh
Just how you wanted it to be
Sweet Misery
Oh whoa
Sweet misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery you cause me
And in my heart I see, oh
What you're doing to me
And in my heart I see, oh
Just how you wanted it to be
Sweet Misery
I was weak
And you were strong
And me and my guitar,
We strummed along, oh
Something about tonight has me disturbed. I don't know what, but I can feel that fate has once again put wheels into motion that will irrevocably change my life. The last time that happened I gained and then lost the most important thing I had, love. I always thought it was simply a word of affection often over used, as I had never truly experienced it.
In my family there was no such thing as love only words like honor, discipline and pride. I learned at a young age the dangers of breaking any of these family codes. So I became the dutiful daughter of one of Illinois finest families and did as I was told at all times. I even grew to except my fate to marry my 3rd cousin when I turned twenty, a business merger in my parent's eye's, but a cruel twist of fate in mine. Andrew and I had always been close, which may have had something to do with our families reasoning he was like the brother I never had. I missed our conversations dearly when he was away at school he always had a way to cheer me up when the pressures of society were too much.
Then one-year things changed, Andrew brought home his roommate from school Darien Hargrave. I had heard the family name before of course, as anyone who knows Illinois history should. The Hargrave's had helped in our state's establishment, they also had many family holdings in Southern Ill., and had founded the first bank in Ill. Though I had never meet one of the members of this family before they tended to run with the Elite in South Carolina where most of the family started.
But that wasn't important, even though my family had done their best to squash my feelings they had failed. From the moment I meet Darien there was a connect between us so strong, that at times I just wanted to jump up wrap my arms and legs around him and kiss him till I couldn't breath. Sometimes I could feel him stare at me with intensity so bright it consumed me, but I couldn't betray my family, at least yet.
Things changed as they always do. Darien and I began to spend time together, but I could see he was holding back: he was there but he wasn't. Eventually the time came for Andrew and Darien to return to school and I left soon after for privet girl's schools were I meet my best friends. They helped me finally break free of my family's iron grip.
I didn't see Darien again until I turned 19. By then I had become weak again, as my fate was fast approaching. However, deep down I knew if I were able be strong like Darien I could survive and fight what my Parents wanted. I soon learned just how lonely Darien really was; we fell fast and hard. It wouldn't last though; when my parents discovered our relationship they worked fast to put a stop to it.
They held a party much like the one I'm going to tonight and announced to everyone that I was to marry Andrew within the next month. Darien was devastated, and left soon after; I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him.
I did have one saving grace, however. Andrew had fallen deeply for my best friend Mina and they wanted to get married. I helped them elope, mother and father never completely forgave me for it either. That was four years ago and tonight is Mina and Andrew's anniversary.
It been so long since I last saw all my friends. When Darien left part of me died, and I hid away. Alan helped me break out of that cocoon, and while I may never love him the way I loved Darien, of this I'm certain: I do care deeply for him, and would be willing to spend my life with him, if he asked.
"Serena Sweetheart, are you almost ready? Your friends are probably waiting" - I heard Alan call from the kitchen of our loft. Again I felt as if something was coming that would change things, and Alan's voice seems almost Ghost like as if it doesn't belong here anymore. I shake my head at the thought, as I yell to him that I'll be out in a moment, and to bring the car around.
Before leaving I double-check my reflection if the mirror one more time admiring the way my lavender gown fits. It hugs my body but not to tightly, and my mother would find the halter neckline scandalous, which made it all the more perfect. I complemented it perfectly with silver heels and Teardrop studs hanging from my ears. I halt as I look at my Necklace.
I suddenly realized that somewhere through my reminiscing I had put on the silver locket Darien had given me. My hands move to take it off but I stop, as I grasp that in an odd way it's right to be wearing it. Noticing how much time I've spent, I quickly grab my wrap and purse, and walk out the door just as Alan pulls up in his car, which I affectionately have dubbed the James Bond Mobile.
"Are you ready Princess?"
"Yes Alan, Did you grab (fetch) the present I forgot to check?"
"Yes Serena I grabbed the present. What with you tonight, you seem shaky like something's wrong?"
"It's nothing Alan, I'll be alright." I hope. The rest of the car ride we remained silent it only took 45 minutes to get there much to my surprise. Alan must have been speeding again. I've told him not to time and time again that one of these times I could just feel that something bad was going to happen. He laughed every time I got one of my feelings and I should have too, if it weren't for the fact that 9 out of 10 times my feelings actually had been warnings of things to come. Darien always understood my feelings and took them seriously, ugh why can't I get him out of my head.
Mina and Andrew were glad to see me we talked for what seemed like hours and then it happened the one thing I never expected. Rei, one of my friends, walked up with Darien on her arm, sporting an engagement ring. The same ring that Darien was about to give me moments before my parents ruined everything.
"Serena I'd like you to meet my Fiancé Darien Hargrave."
Out of the corner of my eye I notice Andrew and Mina pale just as I fainted. The smell of smelling salt suddenly touches my nose causing me to become suddenly alert. As the fog lifts I suddenly remember what it was that caused me to faint in the first place, Darien. After all this time I still can't look him in the eye, can't look at him at all without feeling a knife twist in my heart.
"Here sweetheart let's get you in this her chair." Said Alan concern was written across his face. I accepted his hand as he helped me into the chair noticing Darien studying me all the while.
"Hello Serena, it's been a long time, last time I saw you your family had just announced that you and Andrew were to be married. Whatever became of that?"
"Darien let's not dwell on the past buddy, its Mina and my anniversary tonight. I would prefer it to remain happy and uneventful if possible."
"Andrew, it's alright it's been four years, I think it's time Darien and I talked. He deserves and explanation for what happed as much as I do. Alan, sweetie, why don't you keep Rei company, this could take a while." As I look at him I see the hurt in Alan's eye's as he realizes that I've been keeping something from him. I wish I could tell him but I can't do that when I don't completely understand what happened myself. I lead Darien to one of the guest suits so we can have privacy. As I shut the door I quickly turn around and ask the one question I've been dying to ask since I saw Rei's hand.
"How could you give her that ring! For Heavens sake she's one of my best friends ,have you lost all since of right and wrong, that's our ring!"
"How on Earth can you say that after what you did to me, Serena! Was it all just a game to you lead me on, while all the while it turns out you were engaged to my best friend! Don't you dare talk to me about right and wrong!"
"I never meant to lead you on. Yes, I knew my parents wanted me to marry Andrew it's all they wanted since the day I was born. But at some point one has to draw the line between duty and free choice. I drew that line, I told my parent I wouldn't marry Andrew and that I loved you! They wouldn't except accept it at first, but then they told me they would learn to accept it. They had me invite you to that party telling me that it was to celebrate yours, and my happiness but all along it was a sick joke. In their eye's you were a threat to a merger 100 years in the making, and our hearts were acceptable risks. Andrew was furious with them for what they did. He almost lost Mina, but I helped him, and they eloped. I sacrificed everything to help them keep what my family had stolen from me. So don't you dare tell me I don't know the difference between right and wrong!"
"Do you know how much that it hurt to see your parents push you into his arms and then tell me I had no place left in your life Serena? Do you? You were like a Sweet Misery I couldn't escape."
I looked up at him and into his eye's and I couldn't fight it anymore all the pain and longing I had felt for the past four years pooled into an intense passion I reached out and pulled his mouth to mine. I knew it was wrong that I was betraying Rei and Alan in an irrevocable way but I didn't care.
His arms wrapped himself themselves around me so tightly, it was hard for me to tell where my body ended and his began. I felt him coax my lips open and soon could taste the champagne he'd been drinking earlier on his mouth; it was a sweet yet forbidden elixir. I could feel him pick me up as we moved over to the bed were we made short work of our clothing, as our passion consumed us. In the back of my mind I remembered this was my first time, and that Alan would learn that I had cheated on him eventually. But that small part of me wasn't enough to rationalize with the other half of me, the part that said to hell with everything. But when we were done reality came crashing back.
All I could think was Rei and Alan and how much this would hurt them in the worst way if they knew the truth of what we had just done.
"Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that, Rei and Alan would die if they knew. I can't stay here I ..I..I've got to go, I'm so sorry..."
I didn't give him a chance to reply as I ran from the room going straight for the enemy. I knew Andrew always kept his liquor cabinet open and how the scotch would taste bitter and sweet at the same time as it coated my throat. Three years sober down the drain, after Darien left all those years ago part of me died and I thought the booze helped me not to notice. But that's the thing they didn't help me forget. Sure there were those blissful hours of drunkenness were I couldn't remember about my pain or hurt but when I sobered up it hurt two times worse.
When I finally capped off the bottle I decided to go back out to the party. I staggered to the door and back out to the ballroom just in time to see Rei dancing with Alan. I was so drunk I didn't even think I went over and pulled them apart and said the stupidest thing I could have said.
"So izzz thish a newoh twend of youzzzz Reiii stealingd myiii leftoverss, whakk takincccc Dareeeemm wasnnn'k enouf ?"
"Serena, your drunk how much have you had?"
"Shhuuzzzp Alwinn."
"No, I won't. Serena you've been sober for three years, and right now you smell like you drank enough to make up for it! Andrew, do you have a liquor cabinet?"
"Yeah in the study, you don't think she.?"
"That's exactly what I think. I'd better take her home and try to sober her up. I'm sorry about this Andrew really I am."
"That's alright Alan it's not your fault. Here I'll help you get her out to the car."
" Do me a favor and tell your friend Darien to stay the hell away from Serena. I don't know what he said, but I'll be damned if I let him get her going back down that road."
"He doesn't know Alan, he left before she . Don't worry I'll let him no exactly how I feel, Serena's like a sister to me and I'll be damned if she goes down that road again."
"Thanks Andrew, in the morning you might want to send Mina over I know I won't be able to get off work and she shouldn't be left alone."
"I send her over around eight, bye Alan."
"Darien, where the hell have you been! I don't know what you said to Serena but she's bushed. She's been sober for three year damn it Darien and in one swoop you screwed her up again."
"What mean I screwed her up again? Huh, do you know how bad that was for me all those years ago? No, because you didn't even call to try to explain to me what happened. All these years I thought she was married to you when it turns out she was free. Do you know what that's like to have something you care about that much taken from you, and when it's to late you realize you never really lost it!"
"I know you hurt Darien, but Serena had been hurt to, only she didn't want to deal so she started drinking and soon she couldn't stop she was always drunk. If it weren't for Alan she might still be at the bottom of a bottle! We all tried to help her, but she was sinking, and we couldn't do anything! Have you looked at Alan, Darien, he's you with green eyes; he was the only one that was able help her. Don't you get it she needed you, so when she couldn't have you she found the next best thing!"
Prologue/ Sweet Misery
By Sailor Premonition
I was lost
And you were found
You seemed to stand on solid ground
I was weak
And you were strong
And me and my guitar,
We strummed along, oh
Sweet misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery you cause me
I was blind
But oh how you could see
You saw the beauty in everything
And everything in me
I would cry
And you would smile
You'd stay with me a little while
Sweet misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery you cause me
And in my heart I see, oh
What you're doing to me
And in my heart I see, oh
Just how you wanted it to be
Sweet Misery
Oh whoa
Sweet misery you cause me
That's what you called me
Sweet misery you cause me
And in my heart I see, oh
What you're doing to me
And in my heart I see, oh
Just how you wanted it to be
Sweet Misery
I was weak
And you were strong
And me and my guitar,
We strummed along, oh
Something about tonight has me disturbed. I don't know what, but I can feel that fate has once again put wheels into motion that will irrevocably change my life. The last time that happened I gained and then lost the most important thing I had, love. I always thought it was simply a word of affection often over used, as I had never truly experienced it.
In my family there was no such thing as love only words like honor, discipline and pride. I learned at a young age the dangers of breaking any of these family codes. So I became the dutiful daughter of one of Illinois finest families and did as I was told at all times. I even grew to except my fate to marry my 3rd cousin when I turned twenty, a business merger in my parent's eye's, but a cruel twist of fate in mine. Andrew and I had always been close, which may have had something to do with our families reasoning he was like the brother I never had. I missed our conversations dearly when he was away at school he always had a way to cheer me up when the pressures of society were too much.
Then one-year things changed, Andrew brought home his roommate from school Darien Hargrave. I had heard the family name before of course, as anyone who knows Illinois history should. The Hargrave's had helped in our state's establishment, they also had many family holdings in Southern Ill., and had founded the first bank in Ill. Though I had never meet one of the members of this family before they tended to run with the Elite in South Carolina where most of the family started.
But that wasn't important, even though my family had done their best to squash my feelings they had failed. From the moment I meet Darien there was a connect between us so strong, that at times I just wanted to jump up wrap my arms and legs around him and kiss him till I couldn't breath. Sometimes I could feel him stare at me with intensity so bright it consumed me, but I couldn't betray my family, at least yet.
Things changed as they always do. Darien and I began to spend time together, but I could see he was holding back: he was there but he wasn't. Eventually the time came for Andrew and Darien to return to school and I left soon after for privet girl's schools were I meet my best friends. They helped me finally break free of my family's iron grip.
I didn't see Darien again until I turned 19. By then I had become weak again, as my fate was fast approaching. However, deep down I knew if I were able be strong like Darien I could survive and fight what my Parents wanted. I soon learned just how lonely Darien really was; we fell fast and hard. It wouldn't last though; when my parents discovered our relationship they worked fast to put a stop to it.
They held a party much like the one I'm going to tonight and announced to everyone that I was to marry Andrew within the next month. Darien was devastated, and left soon after; I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him.
I did have one saving grace, however. Andrew had fallen deeply for my best friend Mina and they wanted to get married. I helped them elope, mother and father never completely forgave me for it either. That was four years ago and tonight is Mina and Andrew's anniversary.
It been so long since I last saw all my friends. When Darien left part of me died, and I hid away. Alan helped me break out of that cocoon, and while I may never love him the way I loved Darien, of this I'm certain: I do care deeply for him, and would be willing to spend my life with him, if he asked.
"Serena Sweetheart, are you almost ready? Your friends are probably waiting" - I heard Alan call from the kitchen of our loft. Again I felt as if something was coming that would change things, and Alan's voice seems almost Ghost like as if it doesn't belong here anymore. I shake my head at the thought, as I yell to him that I'll be out in a moment, and to bring the car around.
Before leaving I double-check my reflection if the mirror one more time admiring the way my lavender gown fits. It hugs my body but not to tightly, and my mother would find the halter neckline scandalous, which made it all the more perfect. I complemented it perfectly with silver heels and Teardrop studs hanging from my ears. I halt as I look at my Necklace.
I suddenly realized that somewhere through my reminiscing I had put on the silver locket Darien had given me. My hands move to take it off but I stop, as I grasp that in an odd way it's right to be wearing it. Noticing how much time I've spent, I quickly grab my wrap and purse, and walk out the door just as Alan pulls up in his car, which I affectionately have dubbed the James Bond Mobile.
"Are you ready Princess?"
"Yes Alan, Did you grab (fetch) the present I forgot to check?"
"Yes Serena I grabbed the present. What with you tonight, you seem shaky like something's wrong?"
"It's nothing Alan, I'll be alright." I hope. The rest of the car ride we remained silent it only took 45 minutes to get there much to my surprise. Alan must have been speeding again. I've told him not to time and time again that one of these times I could just feel that something bad was going to happen. He laughed every time I got one of my feelings and I should have too, if it weren't for the fact that 9 out of 10 times my feelings actually had been warnings of things to come. Darien always understood my feelings and took them seriously, ugh why can't I get him out of my head.
Mina and Andrew were glad to see me we talked for what seemed like hours and then it happened the one thing I never expected. Rei, one of my friends, walked up with Darien on her arm, sporting an engagement ring. The same ring that Darien was about to give me moments before my parents ruined everything.
"Serena I'd like you to meet my Fiancé Darien Hargrave."
Out of the corner of my eye I notice Andrew and Mina pale just as I fainted. The smell of smelling salt suddenly touches my nose causing me to become suddenly alert. As the fog lifts I suddenly remember what it was that caused me to faint in the first place, Darien. After all this time I still can't look him in the eye, can't look at him at all without feeling a knife twist in my heart.
"Here sweetheart let's get you in this her chair." Said Alan concern was written across his face. I accepted his hand as he helped me into the chair noticing Darien studying me all the while.
"Hello Serena, it's been a long time, last time I saw you your family had just announced that you and Andrew were to be married. Whatever became of that?"
"Darien let's not dwell on the past buddy, its Mina and my anniversary tonight. I would prefer it to remain happy and uneventful if possible."
"Andrew, it's alright it's been four years, I think it's time Darien and I talked. He deserves and explanation for what happed as much as I do. Alan, sweetie, why don't you keep Rei company, this could take a while." As I look at him I see the hurt in Alan's eye's as he realizes that I've been keeping something from him. I wish I could tell him but I can't do that when I don't completely understand what happened myself. I lead Darien to one of the guest suits so we can have privacy. As I shut the door I quickly turn around and ask the one question I've been dying to ask since I saw Rei's hand.
"How could you give her that ring! For Heavens sake she's one of my best friends ,have you lost all since of right and wrong, that's our ring!"
"How on Earth can you say that after what you did to me, Serena! Was it all just a game to you lead me on, while all the while it turns out you were engaged to my best friend! Don't you dare talk to me about right and wrong!"
"I never meant to lead you on. Yes, I knew my parents wanted me to marry Andrew it's all they wanted since the day I was born. But at some point one has to draw the line between duty and free choice. I drew that line, I told my parent I wouldn't marry Andrew and that I loved you! They wouldn't except accept it at first, but then they told me they would learn to accept it. They had me invite you to that party telling me that it was to celebrate yours, and my happiness but all along it was a sick joke. In their eye's you were a threat to a merger 100 years in the making, and our hearts were acceptable risks. Andrew was furious with them for what they did. He almost lost Mina, but I helped him, and they eloped. I sacrificed everything to help them keep what my family had stolen from me. So don't you dare tell me I don't know the difference between right and wrong!"
"Do you know how much that it hurt to see your parents push you into his arms and then tell me I had no place left in your life Serena? Do you? You were like a Sweet Misery I couldn't escape."
I looked up at him and into his eye's and I couldn't fight it anymore all the pain and longing I had felt for the past four years pooled into an intense passion I reached out and pulled his mouth to mine. I knew it was wrong that I was betraying Rei and Alan in an irrevocable way but I didn't care.
His arms wrapped himself themselves around me so tightly, it was hard for me to tell where my body ended and his began. I felt him coax my lips open and soon could taste the champagne he'd been drinking earlier on his mouth; it was a sweet yet forbidden elixir. I could feel him pick me up as we moved over to the bed were we made short work of our clothing, as our passion consumed us. In the back of my mind I remembered this was my first time, and that Alan would learn that I had cheated on him eventually. But that small part of me wasn't enough to rationalize with the other half of me, the part that said to hell with everything. But when we were done reality came crashing back.
All I could think was Rei and Alan and how much this would hurt them in the worst way if they knew the truth of what we had just done.
"Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that, Rei and Alan would die if they knew. I can't stay here I ..I..I've got to go, I'm so sorry..."
I didn't give him a chance to reply as I ran from the room going straight for the enemy. I knew Andrew always kept his liquor cabinet open and how the scotch would taste bitter and sweet at the same time as it coated my throat. Three years sober down the drain, after Darien left all those years ago part of me died and I thought the booze helped me not to notice. But that's the thing they didn't help me forget. Sure there were those blissful hours of drunkenness were I couldn't remember about my pain or hurt but when I sobered up it hurt two times worse.
When I finally capped off the bottle I decided to go back out to the party. I staggered to the door and back out to the ballroom just in time to see Rei dancing with Alan. I was so drunk I didn't even think I went over and pulled them apart and said the stupidest thing I could have said.
"So izzz thish a newoh twend of youzzzz Reiii stealingd myiii leftoverss, whakk takincccc Dareeeemm wasnnn'k enouf ?"
"Serena, your drunk how much have you had?"
"Shhuuzzzp Alwinn."
"No, I won't. Serena you've been sober for three years, and right now you smell like you drank enough to make up for it! Andrew, do you have a liquor cabinet?"
"Yeah in the study, you don't think she.?"
"That's exactly what I think. I'd better take her home and try to sober her up. I'm sorry about this Andrew really I am."
"That's alright Alan it's not your fault. Here I'll help you get her out to the car."
" Do me a favor and tell your friend Darien to stay the hell away from Serena. I don't know what he said, but I'll be damned if I let him get her going back down that road."
"He doesn't know Alan, he left before she . Don't worry I'll let him no exactly how I feel, Serena's like a sister to me and I'll be damned if she goes down that road again."
"Thanks Andrew, in the morning you might want to send Mina over I know I won't be able to get off work and she shouldn't be left alone."
"I send her over around eight, bye Alan."
"Darien, where the hell have you been! I don't know what you said to Serena but she's bushed. She's been sober for three year damn it Darien and in one swoop you screwed her up again."
"What mean I screwed her up again? Huh, do you know how bad that was for me all those years ago? No, because you didn't even call to try to explain to me what happened. All these years I thought she was married to you when it turns out she was free. Do you know what that's like to have something you care about that much taken from you, and when it's to late you realize you never really lost it!"
"I know you hurt Darien, but Serena had been hurt to, only she didn't want to deal so she started drinking and soon she couldn't stop she was always drunk. If it weren't for Alan she might still be at the bottom of a bottle! We all tried to help her, but she was sinking, and we couldn't do anything! Have you looked at Alan, Darien, he's you with green eyes; he was the only one that was able help her. Don't you get it she needed you, so when she couldn't have you she found the next best thing!"