It Sucks To Be Us

About This Story: Brittany is not happy when the endangered suck toad is stuck to her face, and Alvin is not much happier about "babysitting" her. How can such a double-negative experience turn positive for anyone? Age-wise they are 11. I don't own any part of the Chipmunk franchise, just borrowing them from Nickelodeon, Janice Karman, & Ross Bagdasarian, their family, & their company.

About This Chapter: Rated PG-13 (T), for some sexual and biological references (including female bodily functions such as menstruation, and drugs)

Pairings: Alvin/Brittany

1. The Long List Of No

"No sugar...no bright colors...no bright, flashing lights like the TV, or strobe lights at a dancehall...avoid loud music—but soft, acoustic music may be OK...no caffeine—which includes sodas as well as coffee-type drinks...no alcohol..."

"Uh, we can't buy that ourselves in this country until we're twenty-one, anyways." Alvin interrupted the Skype conference with the New Zealand zoologist. "And that doesn't happen for..." he glanced over at Brittany.

"Nine-and-a-half more years, Alvin." Brittany rolled her eyes—well, her right eye at least, since an endangered amphibian covered her left eye like an eyepatch.

"Right—nine-and-a-half more years, since we are still several weeks away from turning twelve." Alvin relayed Brittany's message to the zoologist, since he was closer to the computer, including the camera and microphone. "Sorry, math is one of my worst subjects. But you were saying something about 'no alcohol'?"

"Right..." The scatterbrained zoologist looked at his notes again. "Hopefully this won't apply to you, but no recreational drugs...and be careful when taking any medications that don't require a prescription. Basically, just pretend you are pregnant with this suck toad, and don't take anything that an expectant mother wouldn't take during pregnancy. For example, if you get a headache, you can take acetaminophen, just not aspirin or ibuprofen."

Brittany looked up from her prone position on Theodore's bed. "Can I still take Midol? I really need some right now."

The zoologist scratched his head. "Uh, depends what all is in that... Is that one medication, or a combination of things? Is that the American brand-name? What do you use that for, anyway?"

Alvin apologized to him, "It's for...uh, 'girl cramps'. This suck toad sure picked the wrong five-to-seven days of the month to join us!"

Brittany threw a pillow at Alvin's back. "Shut up, Alvin." She explained to the zoologist, "So that whole thing about 'pretending I'm pregnant' is gonna be a little tough."

"Oh, I see..." the zoologist nodded with a little empathy. "Well, you might just have to read the list of active ingredients, but if it just has acetaminophen in it, you can still take it. But not if it contains ibuprofen or aspirin."

"Hang on!" Alvin groaned. "How do you spell 'I-see-toe-minnow-fin'? And what was the other one? 'I-bee-pro-fin'? And which 'fin' was OK for her to take? And which 'fin' was not OK for her to take?"

"Ugh!" Brittany groaned to herself while resting her chin on the back of her folded hands as the zoologist tried to help Alvin with the spelling lesson. "And just when I thought the day couldn't get any longer..."

The zoologist continued, "Also, stay out of swimming pools, mostly because of the chlorine and other harsh pool chemicals. Stay out of hot tubs because of the temperature—the water needs to be within a few degrees of your natural body temperature. The ocean is too salty for the suck toad, since it is a freshwater species. But you need to stay hydrated with cool or tepid freshwater from lakes, ponds, rivers, or mud puddles."

"I'm supposed to drink muddy water? Eww!" Brittany gagged.

The zoologist slapped his forehead. "I'm sorry. I meant that you drink bottled water, tap water, or reverse-osmosis water—whichever of those you prefer will work. But the mud is supposed to be bathed onto the skin of your suck toad."

"So, do I have to take a bath in mud as well? I mean, I won't be able to get clean, I'll just get dirtier. Still gross..." Brittany shuddered.

"Hmm..." the zoologist thought for a moment. "I suppose you could still take a shower or a bath—but in tepid water, nothing too hot or too cold. And be careful not to get any soaps or shampoos on the suck toad—just keep it off your face or out of your face. Hmm...maybe even a diving mask or some other face shield worn while showering would help."

She looked disappointed. "Ehhh... Any bath or shower that isn't hot is already too cold for me."

"While I'm on the subject," continued the zoologist, "You also need to be careful with anything you typically put on your face—face creams, sunscreens, cosmetics..."

"What! I can't wear makeup?...! Or even use face cleansers?" Brittany lamented. "But I'm almost a teenager! And my face starts breaking out around this time of the month anyway."

Alvin rolled his eyes. "Relax, Britt, you'll just be putting mud on your face, anyway. I mean, don't people actually pay money for that as a spa treatment?"

"True..." the zoologist seemed to be brainstorming. "I should probably also comment on sun exposure. It's as bad for the suck toad as it is for skin breakouts. You should probably wear a hat or visor to keep the sun off the suck toad—but your hair might also be long enough to offer some protection. As long as you don't get any hairspray or hair products on the suck toad."

"Ugh..." Brittany groaned, "All these 'no's' are starting to give me a migraine—or make one worse that I was already getting."

Alvin blinked at her and took the cue, turning to the screen. "Right. What can we still do, after that long list of what not to do? As you can see, my friend isn't being very nice, because her monthly 'friend' is being mean to her."

"But it's still being a better 'friend' than you..." Brittany muttered with a glare at Alvin.

"Well," began the zoologist, "For one thing, I'm sensing some hostility between you two. She needs to stay calm, and you need to keep your sister calm. Nothing to increase her heart rate or blood pressure. That includes suspenseful or fearful situations, as well as added salt. Keep her as relaxed as possible."

"Whoa, whoa whoa..." Alvin cut in. "Brittany is not my sister. If anything, she's closer to a step-sister, or just a friend, if that. But she's been my best 'frenemy' since Kindergarten."

"Oh, sorry...Alvin, wasn't it? I didn't know, I guess I just assumed..." The zoologist shrugged.

"But thank you for first assuming we were siblings." Alvin chuckled. "That's at least an improvement from people assuming us to be a couple of 'star-crossed lovers', or even a happily married couple with two-point-five children, despite that we are not even twelve yet."

"And none of those situations are happening anytime in the next century!" Brittany shot another glare at Alvin.

"Well, I'd love to get into how I've seen plenty of successful relationships that start out as just friends or even frenemies," the zoologist chuckled, "but I'd rather not cause more stress to Brittany by making you two squabble like siblings again. So instead I'll circle back to things you can and should do. Keep her environment calm, and help the suck toad feel like it's in its natural habitat—wear mud, leaves, and neutral or camouflaged colored clothing. Remember that bright lights and bright colors like the ones you guys are wearing right now are too strong for it. And for food, eat lots of salads with kale, spinach, and other greens. You know, plenty or organic fruits and vegetables—and really, fruits and berries are the sweetest things you can eat without adding any extra sugar. But try to stay away from the processed foods like French fries, and especially the meats and dairy products that have a lot of preservatives. For protein, the suck toad may have arthropods and invertebrates—like insects or worms. Or even tofu would be OK, as long as it isn't fried or processed."

He glanced over at Alvin, who was still frantically taking notes. "I hope that covers everything. You can still email me if any questions come up. At this point, do you have any other questions I can answer?"

Alvin and Brittany looked at each other. Alvin asked, "Uhh...first of all, what do we call you? I don't even think we know your name."

The zoologist smiled. "I'm Doctor Brandon Carver, but it's fine with me if you call me Brandon. And you guys are Alvin and Brittany...Seville?" When he noticed Brittany wince, he corrected himself. "Oh wait, Seville is his last name, but not yours, since you guys aren't siblings."

Brittany nodded. "Right. My official last name is Miller, since I've lived with my sisters in a Treehouse in Ms Miller's yard since we were about eight. But when Alvin's dad, Dave, first got custody of my sisters and me, our last name was Chipette. We've never really dropped that as a family name, so sometimes our last name is even hyphenated as Chipette-Miller." She chuckled. "Yeah, it's complicated, and probably increasing my stress level... Oh, but I thought of a question related to the suck toad—Is there a way to tell whether or not what we're doing is working?"

"Good question..." Brandon smiled. "Let's see... It's kinda like any other pet, in that it may take some time to get to know it, and get familiar with its moods. Sometimes these suck toads will make pleasant chirping or purring noises when they are happy, and they might make growling or gargling noises that get louder and louder if they are...upset or threatened. Or they may even suck harder at the spot where their mouth is—kinda like biting, but without actual teeth. So they might actually give you a slightly-more-painful hickey. They have even been known to whimper like puppies when sad, sick, or injured. Hmm...maybe it would be helpful to think of it as your 'pet', or maybe even your 'baby'. And, like you would do for a pet, or what an expectant couple would do for a baby on the way—feel free to name it."

"Name it, huh?" Alvin looked intently at the green blob over Brittany's eye. "Maybe naming it would be easier if we knew whether we were 'having' a boy or a girl. Ha!"

"I'm sure it's a boy, since boys are the root of all of my other problems." Brittany rolled her eyes. "In that case, we should name it 'Little Alvin', after the main little boy at the root of my problems. Since this is all his fault."

"What did I do?" Alvin looked offended. "I wasn't anywhere near you when the suck toad cage spilled. It was Derek who pushed me. If anything, you should name it 'Little Derek', or maybe 'Small Derek'—you know, since Derek's last name is Smalls." He laughed in amusement at his pun, but stopped when he realized Brittany was not laughing with him. "Oh come on, that's a good one! And laughter helps you relax and stay calm... Besides, the suck toad could just as easily be a girl, since girls are the root of my problems. I mean, if a certain girl was more caring and responsible, and didn't spend as much time looking at herself in the bathroom mirror..." He did a higher-pitched voice and pretended to flip his hair back in an impression of Brittany, or Marsha on "The Brady Bunch", but with more of a British accent. "Oh, am I wearing enough makeup and enough pink for a school field trip to the zoo? Is my purse bling-y enough to impress the lions and tigers and bears? Oh my!"

Brandon spoke up before Brittany could punch Alvin, "I can help in identifying whether your suck toad is male or female. Do you have either a ruler or some measuring tape?"

Brittany pointed over to the study nook section of the boys' bedroom. "Would Simon have one?"

Alvin remembered where Simon had a ruler in his square cubby shelf. He retrieved it, and at Brandon's instructions, measured the suck toad length-wise from nose to tail, and then width-wise across its widest point. The widest point was also noted to be located on the tail half.

"Well, based on these measurements," Brandon began, "Your suck toad is female. They tend to be wider at the back to make room for all their eggs."

"Ha! I was right!" Alvin gloated. "Since she has a big butt." Whispering to Brittany, he added, "She takes after her new mommy!"

"Wait a minute..." Brittany looked worried. "Are you saying that this thing—er, she—might lay eggs on my face?"

"Not quite yet." Brandon stated. "Usually the male fertilizes the eggs as they are laid in the mud. So she only lays the eggs as they are being fertilized during mating. So I doubt you need to worry about eggs being laid on your face."

Brittany cupped her hands around Alvin's ears. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't think an immature little boy should hear such things."

Alvin chuckled as he playfully deflected her hands. "Whatever, Britt! I'm the most mature of my brothers. I can listen to stories about suck toads copulating. My ears aren't as virgin as you think—I occasionally use vibrating Q-tips."

Brittany groaned. "And that's as close to that kinda action as you're ever gonna get!"

Pulling them away from more fighting, Brandon suggested, "Since the suck toad is on Brittany's face, it only seems fair that Brittany gets to name her."

Brittany thought for a moment, even gently stroking her left fingers across the back of the suck toad. "Hmm...since this suck toad is not the only 'curse' I'm under this week, I think it seems fitting to name her 'Eve'."

Alvin chuckled, "How fitting to name a suck toad after the original Mother who cursed all of us by the original sin. You know, Adam may have thought he dodged that bullet, but then he had to put up with all that abuse from his wife for a week out of every month!"

"Interestingly enough," Brandon added as another attempt to prevent further friction, "the name 'Eve' also means 'life'. So maybe this is also reflecting your commitment and wishes to keep her alive? I think Eve is a cool choice for the name of this suck toad!"

Someone on Brandon's end distracted him for a few seconds. He then turned back to Alvin and Brittany and asked, "Well, I need to go help my coworkers take care of some endangered finger monkeys that just arrived. I'll be in touch with you guys, though. Email me if you have any additional questions."

"But when will you be here to remove Eve?" Brittany asked desperately. "WHEN?"

A/N: Midol is based on acetaminophen (Tylenol), but it also contains caffeine, so Brittany would not be able to use it. I had LASIK back in 2012, and we were supposed to keep the water out of our eyes while showering for the first week or two after treatment. The medical tape holding the clear covers would not stick in the shower, so I used some diving goggles (like a diving mask, but without the nosepiece). I made up a name for the zoologist. Derek's last name is Smalls, on the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "I Will Survive". The "lions and tigers and bears" is a reference from "The Wizard Of Oz". Most of these "facts" listed about suck toads are made-up, but expanded rules from the Nickelodeon cartoon episode "Suck Toad". The joke about the "virgin ears" and "vibrating Q-tips" were from an inside joke I shared with a friend in Odessa (Don Tohkubbi) in 2011.