Carlos was awake far too late for a Tuesday night. He sat on the side of his bed, bottle in hand. There was no big window and a view for him to be staring out of like some big city apartment. Just his stuffy room and the dark. The sound of the night being the only sound that accompanied his shaky breaths as silent tears fell off his face.
He was awake because the nightmares were back. They always came back after an incident. That's what they both called them now. Incidents. He hated that word. To him it wasn't an incident. He didn't know what word it was but it wasn't that. It wasn't "accident", because who believes it's an accident anymore? Well, besides Matthew. Matthew always was the forgiving one of the two. He was a lot better at forgiving Carlos than Carlos ever was.
It was a cycle, really. First comes the incident. Usually they're months to a year apart. Unprovoked, maybe Carlos was just having a bad day. And he sees "Alfred" and he doesn't feel that dread he normally would with the real Alfred. And he yells or raises his hand or raises a fist or has just punched already. And then he realizes it's Matthew and everything just falls apart. And Matthew says, "it's okay, I promise," or "it was an accident," or "it wasn't your fault." But those words were just empty reassurances by that point. And Carlos pretends to carry on like it's All Okay, like Matthew thinks it is. Like they both want it to be. But by the time night comes it's phase 3 of the Cycle. The nightmares. The goddamn nightmares. He isn't even as afraid of Alfred as he is of these nightmares. And his anger can shine through but Alfred fucking terrified him.
He could never do anything in these nightmares but watch from a distance as he saw himself beat Matthew within an inch of his life.
There was nothing he could do. And that wasn't even the scariest part. Some nights, he's the one throwing the punches. He knows what he's doing and he wants to stop but he just can't. He can't stop and the Cycle will always just continue until Matthew finally gains the sense to cut off connections with him. Beucause he doesn't deserve someone like Matthew. He never did. He didn't deserve him as a friend, and even less as a boyfriend.
Tonight's nightmare was Carlos dealing the punches himself. He had woken up and nearly vomited, too scared to even look at his hands from the blood he had on them in the nightmare. He just felt sick. Sick of himself. Sick of being himself. It didn't matter how nice he was, in the end, he could only hurt the person he loved. He could only just go back to the Cycle.
"Carlos." A soft voice scared the heebie jeebies out of him. He nearly yote the bottle in his hand out the window. He quickly stood up to see who the voice belonged to, stumbling in his frantic pace. It was Matthew. Standing in his doorframe, still in the suit he wore to today's meeting, minus the jacket, tie, his shirt was half-untucked, sleeves rolled up and collar unbuttoned. If Carlos was in a better mood he'd probably flirt but he could only mutter out "Wh,, what are you doing here? It's late."
"I could ask you the same question," Matthew replied.
"I'm here 'cause it's m' house," Carlos mumbled back, tired, sad, terrified, but still snarky. It made Matthew chuckle. He loved seeing Matthew smile. It brightened him up just a little in that moment.
"You know what I mean," Matthew replied, walking in and taking the empty bottle from Carlos, placing it a safe distance away from the both of them, and soon after went back and wrapped his arms around Carlos's neck. "I just finished up some work and decided I missed you. I was just gonna climb in and surprise you in the morning, but I'd like to know who made my boyfriend cry?" Carlos didn't answer. He didn't even look at Matthew. He couldn't. "Carlos? Hey,,," Matthew pulled Carlos closer, or at least he tried. Carlos tensed up just enough for Matthew to get the clue. "Is this about today? Carlos you know that was an acci-"
"But it's not, is it?" Carlos pulled away to get some distance. To look Matthew in the eyes. "It's not like I look at him without the intent to beat the shit out of him, but you just always end up being the one I hurt! Always,"
"Carlos, it's okay, you know I don't mind," Matthew was so gentle and calm even when arguing with him. He hardly ever saw him angry. But him being gentle was the problem!
"But why!" Carlos's voice shook and cracked as he yelled. "Why are you okay with it? You always forgive me and you shouldn't - you should hate me! Because I'm never going to change, it never going to grow out of it, and it's always going to be this stupid cycle!" Carlos inhaled sharply, now sobbing. He was shaking all over, as he backed up against the wall, leaning on it. He wasn't looking at Matthew now but he could tell Matthew was staring at him. Sternly.
Carlos didn't question it when Matthew suddenly left the room without a word. Good, he should go. He shouldn't have to waste his time with his poor excuse for a significant other. Carlos found himself sitting against the wall now, legs brought up to his chest, still sobbing. He closed his eyes. It was quiet. Except for the clanging in the kitchen- wait a minute. Carlos froze. Who was in his kitchen? The sounds lasted for a little while. Then stopped. Was someone making tea? Coffee?
Matthew walked through the doorway, tray with two cups of a hot liquid and a small bowl with something in it in his hands. And like someone reading Carlos's thoughts, he said "Sorry for the wait, had to head home for this brand name hot chocolatey mix."
Carlos was befuddled. "Wha,,," He could barely string thoughts together before Matthew set down the tray, revealing the tiny marshmallows that were in the small bowl. There were also cookies under those marshmallows, to fill up the space the marshmallows couldn't. And once he set down that tray a cozy blanket was wrapped around Carlos before he could even protest. Matthew handed him his mug of hot chocolate, sat down next to him against the wall, and Carlos hesitantly took a few marshmallows. Figured it would be rude not to. And he does like the tiny marshmallows very much. They sat in silence as they drank hot chocolate. Carlos was confused, but he surprisingly didn't feel as shitty as he was a few moments ago. In time, he became less tense, and soon after the two were leaning on each other, Carlos's head resting on Matthew's shoulder, being the just shorter one of the two. Once all food was eaten and drinks were finished, Carlos hesitantly spoke. "Why,, why did you do this?"
"Better to relieve the tension of a stressful situation."
"You didn't seem stressed."
"I'm always stressed, mon amour."
"Yeah,, fair."
"And you are too, apparently. If this is what these incidents are doing to you, then gosh, I'm never letting you out of my sights."
Carlos sat up straight, no longer leaning on Matthew. "... Shouldn't even waste your time with me."
"Maybe, but I want to. If spending time being with the one I love counts as wasting then I'll waste all the time I want because I love you. And yeah, the incidents kinda suuuck, but, I forgive you because I know you feel bad. I know you regret it because I know you care about me. That's more than I can say about, I think anyone else?"
Carlos couldn't take this. In less than a second he broke down. He held onto himself, reserved, until Matthew pulled him into a warm hug, and after a bit, Carlos rested his head on Matthew's shoulder, and hugged back.
"I just,,, I'm just so tired," He sobbed. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"I know, I know." Canada rubbed comforting circles into Carlos's back. He spoke softly and reassuringly. "And we'll figure this out. We will. But I need you to promise me you won't keep letting yourself go through this alone. You helped me back up when I fell to my lowest point, so please, let me help you." Carlos hugged tighter, only nodding. He was tired. So tired of doing this alone.
Slowly, the two let go. Matthew changed, and they both got into bed, holding onto each other, Carlos burying his head into Matthew's chest. He didn't have any other nightmares that night.
—
"Oh ho ho! Look what the stork brought in! Don't let America catch you like that, boys." Arthur was the first to spot the two at the next meeting. Carlos and Matthew had walked in, holding hands, talking and smiling. Their relationship wasn't much of a secret, but this was the first time they'd shown affection at a meeting.
"Oh, who cares if America sees them," Francis replied. "This is incredible! Don't stop doing this, please!"
"Oh, we won't," Matthew said, both him and Carlos blushing.
"YyyyoOOOO!" Gilbert barged into the spotlight enthusiastically. "So what happened? You two finally get down and dirty?" And he was promptly smacked over the head by a rather embarrassed Ludwig. "Weeeeeessst, I'm allowed to ask my friends questions!"
"Not these kind of questions in a professional setting! Save it for the bar!"
The meeting that day went well, to say the least. It went like usual, but without the malicious intent between the nations. A feeling was in the air. The feeling of love. Of reassurance. Even America was affected. He was less ignorant and his cheerful bad-mouthing and bragging were instead compliments, but he still bragged. And it was good. It was normal. It was safe. Just like Matthew believed it to be. Just like Carlos was slowly, but surely, starting to believe too.