! Written for Iwalkalonelyroad !
I hope you like it – or at least I hope you won't be utterly aghast.
I always intend to write something and in the end it turns out as something nearly disturbingly else.
(btw: Iwalkalonelyroad also taught me the word 'iridescent'. Thank you! =) )
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Title: As close to Redemption

Disclaimer: No copyright infringements intended!

Summary: When live drains from the body the mind takes an unfamiliar and mazy path

Language: English

Category: FanFiction /Books/Movies / Harry Potter / OneShot

Timeline: Book/Movie 7

Characters: Severus Snape (PoV) / Lily Potter née Evans

Genre: Angst / Tragedy

Rating: T

Word Count: 2.128

A/N: I took so long for this. It was not only frustrating – it drove me mad!
Let me apologize. This story is extremely confusing – and it gets worse with every sentence. I didn't want it to become this confusing – and I, myself was even more confused than you will be if you read it. Trust me – I need to lie down and sleep for a very long time until my brain will be willing reboot again. ;) I'm however okay with the result – somehow. I'm neither satisfied, nor aghast; okay. I think… I don't know, I'm really too confused.

Attention, Please: Please, visit my Homepage (see Profile) to view a Picture I made for this story. I'd love to know your opinion! =) Thank you!

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"True Love suffers and is silent"
- Oscar Wilde (from: The Remarkable Rocket)
~*~

People say time heals. They say that it lets you forget.
It's but a lie… Time will not make you forget. On the contrary. At least it wouldn't let me forget.

In the beginning her presence was almost unnoticeable. Or better her absence – strangely enough bringing her closer to me. Subtle at first, but the first year passed and she became more and more present. Today she is almost within my reach.

This is not only stupid, but odd all along. Lily is dead. Dead and buried.
How irrational is it that I have to remind myself harshly of this painful truth day and night? Dead she is. I might have to tell me until the very day of my own death. However never will I fully convince myself. While I know that her body is cold and rotten, out of reach – forever – I can't force my unconsciousness to realize and accept – not even tolerate it. She is vividly alive there. I feel her all around me and in every thought and move and word I hear or speak.
She is. And she is haunting me. But in some way it's bitterly soothing, still.

The day I heard about Lily Evans'… Lily Potter's death my world ended. No, I thought so – but I was wrong. No, it didn't go on either. It certainly stopped, but I wasn't allowed to stop along with it. I had to go on and an abhorred part of me forced my world to keep turning, mercilessly.
At first I wanted to die, too. …no, that's not exactly what I wanted. I begged whoever - whatever was listening to erase my whole existence and with it my fault entirely. I thought it would have been better for everybody, including myself, if I never existed at all. I certainly never told anybody, though; but for me it was true – 'tis still.
Since I wasn't granted this wish I had to find another way, because life, like it had been then was more than just cruel. The guilt - to be precisely; and my own permanent knowledge and awareness of it.
Against my own will I turned around and faced my forsaken fate, for this was all I knew. Stand tall, I heard myself telling me. And I would stand tall – through the roughest of storms if needed.
No matter how hard it would become.

Sometimes I want to beg her forgiveness and forgiveness at all, but I push the wish away. I don't deserve it.

When she died and I began to see my way, quite early, if not immediately I realized that nobody would ever really trust me; I didn't expect it, anyway. I would have never even consider the possibility that anybody would ever be able to see me as anything else than a traitor. That's the way I had to choose.

Though I never wanted to become this, I never wanted to sacrifice anything for the greater good. But I felt like I had no choice. I actually knew it.

So I went to the only person I could – though only in my wildest dreams – imagine to at least try to understand and to be able to help me do what had to be done.
First of all for Lily, even though she wouldn't even know, I guess; and for myself. Anybody else didn't matter to me. To be honest, they still don't really. I know I should care more, and I do – partially. I want the world Lily wanted and not just because of her, but that is: not just.

When I went to Albus Dumbledore I was however somewhat bewildered when he believed me and agreed upon letting me help.
I felt like I was joining a battle – maybe a losing battle – my face hidden by a mask – somehow that was actually true.

But Albus Dumbledore is dead.

The only person in the world who had known – who had trusted me – is dead and I am entirely on my own once again.
Everybody doubted me - they still do.

Albus Dumbledore was my chance to clear my dept. Or at least ease it a little bit if I would allow it. I never knew what I would feel even if I would succeed. Would I allow myself redemption? Maybe I have never been seeking anyone's forgiveness but my own. But would I grant – would I want it?
It didn't matter. It didn't matter anymore. Lily was dead, Dumbledore was dead and I was left to take the challenge they took before me. I didn't want to, but how could I have refused?

I always expected one would see clearly when they die. But as I feel my end nearing I still don't understand. I still don't know – I'm still not sure.

Surprisingly I don't really care for it, however. My thoughts are close by, but somehow unexpected and going further. As I'm drifting further.

Even though I always knew what I was I didn't expect my death to be like this. I thought, one day the Dark Lord would find out about my true loyalties and just fell me or something similar to this possible scenario. But it seems things turn out differently. And somehow I find it amusing, even.

But then something happens, and I cannot explain or even realize it.

The pain was the first thing which dawned on me. It was almost unbearable.
And suddenly… it's gone.

Where I felt the sharp, merciless teeth of that forsaken snake, just moments ago; I now feel a warm and tender touch.
It's all too familiar and utterly alien to me altogether to the same extent.

I dare to open my eyes and everything feels like a dream. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming now or if I've been dreaming those endless, grisly years before. I'm not sure what I would prefer either.

There she is. Lily. She is standing before me, but she seems to be so far away, however. Is she really there, or is she just part of a dream? Am I?
So long have I longed to see her beautiful face once again, her flashing smile and her vivid, green eyes.
It's too good to be true, but it is torture all the same.

Where have I been just seconds ago? What had happened? I cannot remember.

I open my mouth and I want to say her name; ask if she really is here, if I am really here, but I cannot speak. My throat feels numb and strange, and too real for this supposed dream.
She smiles and tightens her soft grip on me, just slightly. I get caught by her eyes, the endless depths in them; the almost unreal good they hold.

In the past years I saw those eyes every day and every night and I never forgot even the slightest detail about them. And still, seeing them now before me, so clear, so unnaturally real reminds me of how equal everything is. Nothing really matters to me now and I feel like everything is like it was when I was only a child; and not even that.

I remember the times when I used to look into her intriguing eyes without any doubt that she was my best friend, the only person in the whole wide world I would always be allowed to rely on – the only one I could trust… I could love.
But these times are gone and still I remember and still, she is here.
There is this familiar sparkle in her eyes. A sparkle that is iridescent – just like what snow looks like when it's bitterly cold and a magically blue moon lays its gentle, silvery light upon it – and it's pure and full of love and joy. And I was always sure, this sparkle was mine and mine alone. No one could have convinced me of the opposite; not even when those eyes looked tenderly upon the product of the deep love she shared with someone else.
Even today I still know this little, subliminal sparkle was mine. …Is mine.
And it's always with me; it follows me in my dreams, it accompanies me each and every day.

Now that she is clearly before me; she's so close again. I know if I would reach out I could feel the soft skin of her beautiful face under my fingertips.

I'm still not sure what is dream and what is real. I cannot tell, because I know she is immortal. Yes, it sounds silly – but it's true.
Not only is she safely stored in my heart, she is also always the centre of my view, anyway.
Openly within my consciousness I know the truth but it doesn't bother me for some reason. I don't even let it irritate my unreasonable faith.

Her grip tightens again and I feel a soft sting where her fingertips touch my skin. I don't care, however. She's close, that's all that matters and I wish I could banish every bad thought from my mind and just be happy and grateful for this gift.

What is happening to me? I want to ask her, but still my throat is numb and no tone leaves my lips. She is still smiling and for a second I could swear she is talking to me, reminding me of the past. Those days, when we played innocently together on the playground; when she teasingly poked me in the side to get my attention.
I feel a gruesome wave of sorrow attempting to drown me; but I push it aside, unconsciously. My eyelids feel heavy and my eyes are tired so I close them. I concentrate on the warmth that is her skin and relish the feeling. When I was young I found a true friend, I found love and joy and nothing could have spoiled it – or at least I thought so back then in my childish unwillingness to recognize the world.
These have been the best days – but now it is over.
It is over!

I open my eyes. Suddenly I'm very aware; of her; of myself; of everything. I'm sure, this is reality. Or at least I take it for reality, although I can't be sure what is happing with me and what I do.
I don't even know how much time has passed already; I have no feeling for time at all anymore.

Suddenly she loosens her grip on me and the fragile safety I felt seconds ago fades along with her touch.
I still see her, but is she still there? I'm beginning to think that she is only a hallucination – originating from the horrible guilt I carry with me and the poison that is taking me over.

I need to look into those eyes. Her eyes.

Look at me!
I hear no tone escape my lips and I blame it on my numb throat and weakening state.
However she does as I hoped and as her gaze rests intensely upon me I don't care anymore. Hallucination or not; there's no difference, it doesn't matter.
Nothing matters when once again – maybe one last time – I am allowed to find ease in her eyes.

And it's her eyes that give her away. I take a single look in them and I can tell she's out of reach.

~*~
I couldn't protect you, Lily. I'm sorry. But as much as I'm torn by it, I was able to do what I know was fulfilling your only wish; I did my best to protect your child until my last breath. Now everything I can do is hope. Hope, that he will make the best of it.

I never wanted all this. And however there are so many things I regret, I also know that this trial was the only way for me and that there is actually no use in regret at all.

Sometimes I did wish you would know that my only reason for all this was you. Always. But then again...
I know it and that is enough. I know I did it for you alone. After all these things that I've done, at least I gave my best to pave the path for what was most important to you.
I do not hope for us to meet wherever I will go, now that I'm eventually allowed to leave. I may hope for you to be happy and still somewhere. I hope you will be reunited with your child one day – sometime in a far away future.
But as for me, if there is but the littlest bit of mercy I want to just stop. Stop like my heart will do any minute now. Simply stop...
And now I can't do anything but die for you.

~*~
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
(-'All at once' by The Fray-)
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