Hey! So I've had this idea since Penny died, but now Tara's also gone I've decided to make it a two-parter. Hope you like it! Please review and let me know!xx

I stare at your face, Pen, still unable to take it in. I have the solid evidence before my very eyes. You really are dead. But you're perfect, you look like you are doing nothing more than sleeping. Peace and calm – no other emotions apparent. I cannot detect the hate and bitterness you felt towards me in your last moments. Because you did Pen, you died hating me. You died hating me. The peace and happiness you look like you have with the world could allow me to just close my eyes and pretend for a few, precious moments I did nothing wrong. But in the very short time I've had since you were cruelly taking from me, I've grown up. I keep my eyes open, desperate to soak in every one of your features. I don't know why I could draw a portrait of you with my eyes shut but I hungrily savour every last memory and second I have with you. A small bitter smile crosses my face – I can't help it – as I realise something. You're flawless. Not a Bruise. Not a scratch. You're the only person I know who can get squished by a bloody train carriage and still look perfect.

I hear a distant sound that barely registers in my grief-filled mind and I look up to see Michael Spence has left. A rouge thought crosses my mind. You thought no one liked you, you felt like you wasn't making a difference anymore. I vaguely remember telling you to ask Connie Beauchamp for help! What I wouldn't do now to hear you moan about not having a consultant down on AAU or your lack of sleep. I wish you could see right now how many lives have been turned upside down since your death. Michael, Frieda, Malick, they all miss their 'Pittstop'. Even people who knew you as the red-head F1 on AAU are distraught. If they're broken then what does that make me? You were more than just my sister. You were my best friend, my protector, my comforter. Now you're gone. A surge of anger appears within me. Why did you crawl under? Why when there was firemen and other doctors at the scene? But my anger disappears as quickly as it came because I knew even if you had full warning, you would still have crawled under. That's you through and through Pen, that's your greatest flaw and biggest strength. You were always too kind.

I think back to the voicemail message I left when I was blissfully unaware of your death. Life's too short. The irony of that statement tastes bitter in my mouth and I feel physically sick when I remember I was asking you to join me in a drink when you were dead under a carriage. You will never know I apologised or how the guilt is eating me up. Overwhelmed, I look up unable to contain it anymore. Malick's still there so I unload all my problems onto him. I hate the look in his eyes as I begin to speak. Pity, sheer pity. "She died hating me." I whisper, returning my gaze to your flawless face. Sensing his confusion, I explain what I did with our papers. I finally admitted it. There's no need, I know this. You're dead, so what can you do? You can't tell like you threatened. Once again I can manipulate the situation so even the great Henrik Hanssen would never find out. But I don't care. For once in my life I decide to do the right thing. My eyelids flutter shut, spilling the unshed tears I hadn't noticed form. I don't want you to pass my exams or cover for me when I mess up with a chest drain. I just want my sister back, Pen. I want your forgiveness, I want your love. I want you to know how sorry I am and forgive me, but you can't. Because I've done what I've done my whole life haven't I sis? I've done too little too late.