By Calypso
Disclaimer: I don't own Smallville. I make no money. Spoilers for the episode involving the really fast cars that Pete wasn't supposed to be driving.
Summary: There are few things more painful than shadows when a kiss hurts more than betrayal. Slash
AN: 3-23-04 Uploaded an edited version. Mostly pronoun issues; edited Lex's part for plot issues.
Part 1 - Darkness
A kiss claimed in the dead of night. A kiss he doesn't even know existed. A kiss he can't remember.
A doubt planted deeper than any fear.
A fear he refuses to name.
Three years and that's all that remains between us. Fear. Doubt. A kiss. A kiss only I remember. I guess this is the end. I guess… this is what people were trying to protect me from. What I needed to protect myself from.
I always knew there were secrets. We both did.
They're his secrets, but... I'm the one who's keeping them. Does that make them my secrets? Or his? I'm so confused. Too confused.
He doesn't trust me any more. I can't blame him for it. I deserve it.
Doubt.
I doubted him.
I didn't trust him. Even though he gave me a million reasons to have faith I chose not to. Is this the price I pay?
I don't believe in God. If I did, I'd think he was laughing at me now. Mocking me.
A kiss. The only thing I have left.
Is that why memory is so precious? So painful?
Seconds can tick by as if they were years. That's what time feels like now. Each day an endless eternity. Each moment I spend with him, I am painfully cold. Each moment alone, I'm painfully empty.
How many millennia will I have to spend empty? How much weariness will I have to know? How much? I can't leave now. I can't walk away from Smallville so long as he's here. I guess I get to kill myself with my own obsession. I wonder how many of them suspect. How many of them know.
Lana looks at me differently nowadays. Is this why? She's the only one in this damn town who knows the both of us well. Who comes into contact with us regularly. How could she not suspect. And yet… there's something to be said for small town innocence. For lack of exposure. I learned more than I thought possible in that one summer in Metropolis - but now I've been chained here. I'm stuck.
Now that he's here again I can't ever leave. Now that everything true between us is gone... why can't I leave?
He's put on another mask, erected another wall. This time I'm on the outside and no matter how hard I fight him on it he won't let me in. It's too late now. I've betrayed him. He'll never trust me again. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Trust is gone.
From now on, there are no more tomorrows only one yesterday, only one kiss. One bittersweet flicker of light to fill the long empty warmth.
"Clark?" The voice is startling. Surprising. I hadn't expected anyone else here. "You ok hon?"
I smile, an open honest smile. "I'm fine mom."
"You should come into the house."
"Yes mom." She tilts her head; looks at me warmly, lovingly, like she has a million times before.
"You sure you're ok? I saw Lex leave." Lex. My heart lurches. Have my tear ducts dried? I can't speak so I nod. I can't lie to her again. Not twice in one night. Things will never be alright again, I'll never be ok...Lex...
Lex doesn't trust me anymore.
Tomorrow doesn't exist anymore.
Because the only thing I'll have to keep me warm in tomorrow - is a forgotten kiss.
Part 2 - Light
I'm shaking. God damn it, I'm shaking.
Fuck. Why did I just do that? Why did I have to hide behind the damn Luthor facade again? Just drive Lex. The functional part of my brain is still here. Still forcing me to move.
Stick key in slot.
Turn. Step on accelerator. Drive.
Why did I do that to him? Blame him. Cast upon him the purple robe of betrayal. As if he deserved to be in pain when I know very well that I drove him to it. Why did I twist the truth?
Veritas.
I guess my father's cultivating worked. I've finally stepped out of the mold. I've learned. I've been shaped.
Dad would've handled that situation exactly as I did - and I couldn't be more disgusted because of it. Damn it. I can't cry... not now.
The look of hurt in Clark's eyes... it used to be a natural high knowing that I could hurt him and then stepping in at the last minute and making him smile instead. Today was the opposite of that. Today was taking the knife already in his gut and twisting it.
I hate it when blades cut both ways.
Veritas.
Truth? What is truth?
Have I become Pilate? I found Clark hanging from a cross once... and now I deliver him to be crucified.
Because I know.
I know that for this, he will crucify himself.
I know that he loved me. Once.
This is poetic justice. Biblical.
He thinks I don't remember; he thinks I never knew. He never guessed that I was afraid.
Six months ago.
Six months, two weeks, three days.
He walked into my bedroom one night. No reason's. No explanations. No words.
Yet even in darkness I knew it was him. I knew that as I pretended to be asleep he kissed me.
He kissed me.
Am I Judas?
*Fini*