Nothing Left to Say
A Bleach story
This was inspired by reading too much ff and a good deal of my own crazy mind. Also all the similarities are with other stories are unintentional, I am bowing down to authors like Lady Azar and and if some phrases sound very familiar its probably because I've memorized them by way too much reading.
It was unlike him to fidget. In fact Urahara Kisuke rarely was anything other than perfectly controlled, always wearing that smile that all who knew him, would immediately associate with him. Nevertheless now he did not know what to do with his hands or with himself for that matter. There simply were too many things left unsaid, too many regrets left locked inside, too much, by far too much. And the 100 years hadn't helped.
For the last century he had succeeded in living day for day, the hurt, the pain, the misery, had been all locked daily behind a façade, one that was dependant on the occasion, Kisuke was very well adept at projecting a specific image, one he thought suitable, if there was a Howell near, he adopted the façade of an disinterested and yet remarkably well infirmed man, if the wife of a friend died, he was the grieving companion who did not want to be seen crying, he was even capable of looking a young innocent girl in the eye as he doomed her to a fate much worse than death and still smile happily as if he was offering help from the goodness of his heart. There was almost nothing that could cause him actual distress and those few people who were capable of doing so could care for themselves, even Ichigo, Kisuke's unofficially adopted son managed to stay out of harm's way, mostly.
The former Shinigami Captain was unflappable except for one thing, one person and one person alone was capable of destroying the carefully crafted walls he had built around his heart and his somewhat questionable morals. That someone was a man he had sworn to never meet in private again, to never again allow behind the protectiveness of his barriers. Yet he found himself waiting for that very man to grace him with his presence, with an excitement reminding him of the old days, for afternoon tea, not that he was any good at preparing it, it was more likely to poison somebody than anything else. Another rather painful reminder of the person he was about to meet, he quickly pushed that thought aside. It was too painful and he picked up the tray he had prepared and went to his so called guestroom. Not 5 minutes later he felt the dimension ripple, taking a deep steadying breath, he got up and almost managed to force himself to open the door but Aizen Sousuke let himself inside before he could complete the action and again he had the sneaking suspicion it was his reluctance to face his old friend that had slowed him. And as a result now was by far too late. For what, he wasn't sure himself.
Both stood and perhaps hoped for the other to make the first move and it would probably be the ex-taichou to take that awkward step but the shop keeper refused to be beaten in that too. After all he was the person Soul Society counted on; he couldn't make mistakes such as these…not again. Never again.
"Sousuke".
"Kisuke".
Aizen was the complete opposite of the Sinigami, with his white clothes outlining his figure that Kisuke knew all too well.
He was certain it was intentional.
Like the pieces on a chess board-white, the fighters for justice (oh how he despised that word) and the black, the hordes of evil doers. But for the life of him he couldn't tell where the man in front of him stood –he was not craven to be the all time hiding king but he certainly wasn't a simple general either.
Kisuke made the mistake of meeting chocolate brown eyes, so warm so open and yet.., it was odd he hadn't seen the hidden steel quality they had back then though if he had to be honest with himself he hadn't seen a lot of things concerning the man before him.
"Please take a seat Sousuke, the tea is ready.''-was all that he managed to say, his voice was steady at least but his heart was beating with a furious pace and he was quite certain the other could probably hear it. Urahara often wondered if he had ever been able to deceive Aizen. Were all the little things he used to do for his dear friend so obvious, were Aizen's surprises no surprises at all. Had he failed in that, too?
The other took the offer and lowered himself as to sit comfortably on the traditional Japanese table.
"Thank you, for both the tea and acceptance of the invitation."
"Oh, I believe it was supposed to be held in that grand castle of yours, your coming here is opposite of good manners. Don't you think?''
"True but as far as I can remember you were never one much for such things.''
"Ah well…".The silence was heavy, Kisuke realized, he desperately tried to find a safe topic to discuss with the other but there was none.
"How's Gin-chan managing these days?"-here Kisuke, safe, something safe to speak about.
"Very well I dare say. And Ichigo-kun?''
"Still alive, I'm afraid."
Sousuke chuckled in acknowledgement of the barb. "Kaname did go a little too far with this one I'll agree. I apologize on his part."
"Right, I'm positive he is all but crushed under his guilt."
"Kaname did only what he thought to be right. He has a very strong sense of justice and Ichigo-kun was indeed trespassing. Aizen's voice held only a spark of amusement as he defended his subordinate.
"And we all know what high morals he has" Kisuke did not manage to keep the disgust he held for the other man's ideals from entering his answer.
"I believed you to be rather virtuous Kisuke.I find myself disappointed."
"You're the one to talk." the words flew from his mouth before he could stop them. Aizen didn't answer, just stared like he was waiting for this nightmarish time to end, to cease so they could go back. There was something akin to regret in his chocolate gaze, but Kisuke is very much afraid to believe what his eyes tell him, fears the possibility of his mind playing a cruel joke. He doesn't dare hope. He refuses to let loose the tightly locked emotions the man in front of him evokes. It is as a natural a line for him as breathing is. The lingering guilt rises in his chest and Kisuke once more crushes it with questionable half truths, hoping he won't have to remember the past.
Instead of another sharp barb, however, the former fifth division captain smiles.The smile from more than a century ago, a smile from far happier times. The kind, tender lover shining through, the man that you can tell everything and expect only to be supported, the kind of man that would smile lovingly at you as he stabbed you. Regardless of the fact hat his guest had never done him any physical harm, Kisuke remembered all too well the pain he had felt when he had thrown himself in a desperate rescue mission to save his vice-captain, only to find Sousuke, loving, gentle Sousuke, about to slay another dear friend of his. The agony he had felt had been far worse than any physical injury Sousuke could have given him. The betrayal he had felt as his eyes had seen him, his sward raised and ready to take the life of a mutual comrade, wearing the same smile he had when only a few hours ago The Fifth Division Captain had wished him good night with a passionate kiss. The pain was still as vivid as it was in the past.
"Don't be like that" his guest said quietly.
His wondering thoughts and the subtle change in his reatsu as well as the stiffness in his posture were a signal enough for the one opposing Soul Society to see what was happening with his long lost friend.
If Urahara tried hard enough he could persuade himself that he had heard some regret in the other's voice. But trust was something he wasn't ready to give to Sousuke again regardless of the burning desire in his soul to do just that.
"Nothing has changed, Kisuke"
"Of course" empty words devoted of any real meaning, accompanied with a slight bow of the blonde's head as if an actual apology.
"You are quite right, Sousuke, everything is as it has always been. Nothing more, nothing less."-the bitterness was seeping through and his heart were beginning to ache a little too much.
"I can't possibly be blamed for others' blindness; they simply chose to see what suited them "Sousuke's voice voice somewhat chastisiting.
"And it so happened to suit your purposes as well". Kisuke may have been out of practice but his bitterness was making up for that fact. The silence that settled over them was heavy, full of regrets, bitterness and love between two people that were out of each other's reach. Whose fault it was, neither knew.
"I never could understand why you even bothered." Did he mean the tea invitation Sousuke had extended to him or that night a century ago, Kisuke wasn't sure. All those years he had wanted to know "why", not "why" he was laid to, he was not so arrogant as to think he had been an unforeseen element in the other's plans, but why had the man that betrayed everyone, spared him from death. Why persuade Room 46 to seal his reatsu and exile him to the Living world when they should have killed him for illegal experiments.
The words still rang clear as bells in his ears .As a Captain has vouched for you. Urahara Kisuke you're to be left alive but…"
"You know the answer to that Kisuke. I am still the same person I have always been, you know me. Sousuke's tone sounded as if slightly hurt but the shop owner refused to fall pray to the same lies of affection that had been his downfall before.
A mirthless laugh escaped Kisuke's lips. "I don't think I've ever really known you at all," he replied, tone just as biting, just as accusing"I'm afraid, I'm no Gin-chan."
And if Kisuke didn't know better he'd say there was a tiny trace of lingering jealousy for the young boy that Sousuke had made his Vice-Captain and who would have followed him into the depths of Hell and in a way he had done just so.
Silence fell once more, suffocating, tearing, whispering of things left unsaid and Kisuke wasn't sure he would be able to break it.
But it was Sousuke who did it.
"I miss you, dearly. I think of you often when I'm left alone." he voiced, his tone steady, eyes gleaming with something nameless, an emotion Kisuke was sure could not be real.
He froze unwilling to believe that and incapable to be unaffected, the pain in his soul was rising and it was becoming harder and harder to keep his composure, to not let his feelings reign free, but most of all to hold on to his resolve to not believe the other's sweet deceptions.
"Liar" Kisuke countered without missing a beat, his voice was on the verge of becoming a dry rasp.
"You are never alone, Gin is always there for you, even at night, he wouldn't refuse to share your bed and you have enough minions as it is, you don't need me Sousuke, you never have."
"Why didn't you try to find me afterwards?" His guest asked completely unfazed by his earlier words.
"Was there any reason to?"
"Didn't you want an explanation of the decision made by Room 46?"
"Was it worth risking capture?|"
"Do you think I'd have taken you to them if you had come back, Kisuke?
"Wouldn't you?"
"No"
Kisuke flinched, his heart refused to beat and his eyes hidden by his hat were dangerously close to watering. The crack on his walls was becoming bigger and the pain was seeping trough.
"I never believed you capable of such cruelty, Souske."
It was agonizing, the silence that took control of the room, until Aizen stood and thanked Kisuke for the tea neither of who had touched. And in that moment Kisuke hated his one time lover for being always so unflappable, so uncaring or if he dared to he honest with himself, if he still knew what honesty was, he despised himself for caring too much.
"Thank you for accepting my invitation and the place of our meeting. Tea was wonderful as usual. I apologize for Ichigo-kun's condition once again."
Kisuke stood himself and having regained his self-control, he took upon the role of a gracious host and smiled politely answering in his usual cheerful voice, successfully masking any if not all of his real emotions.
"The pleasure was all mine, Souske. As for Kurosaki-kun, it is inevitable in war I suppose, he'll be alright in time, I'm sure."
Kisuke stepped around the low table to show his guest out, it was only proper to do so, but was met half way to the front door and this time he wasn't saved by his hat, chocolate met grayish-green eyes.His breath left him as his former lover leaned next to his ear, brown locks, soft as he remembered them to be, brushing his cheek, the sent of the Lord of Heuco Mundo enveloped him and Kisuke barely managed to catch himself as to not lean into his former lover. He never understood how or when his hat was taken away from him but felt Souske's breath on his ear.
"My doors are always open for you and yours, Kisuke, you need only come."
"I bow down to no one, I'm no one's servant" His voice was raspy and if Souske didn't retreat soon the exiled Soul Reaper was sure he wouldn't be able to hold the tears at bay.
"I would not humiliate you so."
"Liar"
Kisuke wasn't sure his voice audible by now.
"Fool"
With that Sousuke kissed the tip of his nose and then his lips found his mouth and Kisuke was again left breathless, the kiss was everything he remembered and at the same time nothing like before, the gentleness was heart wrenching and its sincerity was something that had Kisuke regretting both past and present.
Long after it ended and Souske had let himself out, Kisuke stood frozen. When he was sure a simple movement would not lead him to crumble, he went to his sanctuary.
Only a few short minutes later, found Kisuke sitting on the veranda and gazing at the sky as if he was seeing Soul Society and moments long gone, happier times with his lover and the people who were now neither his enemies nor his allies. Yourichi simply left the small chip containing all of Aizen Sousle's plans for the war next to her suffering friend and asked herself for the millionth time in the last few days if it wouldn't have been better to lie and tell she couldn't sneak undetected in Heuco Mundo while its' Lord was away to steal the invaluable information.
But what was done, was done and now her childhood friend had to live with the consequences of his decisions and there was nothing she could do to easy his pain.
Kisuke wondered what was worse to lie, to pretend, to deceive when no one was suspecting you or to betray when you had promised truce. What was more loathsome- the believe that all means are justified by the aim, lies, illusions, murder, betrayal or the turning of the betrayal into the prime target was more vile, unforgivable. The bitter taste in his mouth, the stinging in his eyes and his shattered heart might have an answer for him but he ignored them and held tightly onto his memories.
Five years and countless lives later found the two former lovers on the battle field. It was the last battle, both sides knew and the only question left, was who was going to come out of this victorious. Although Soul Society had gained invaluable information concerning the enemy's plans the powers were still even, after all Aizen Souske was their opponent, an opponent who was vastly intelligent and adaptable. His eyes were currently fixed on grayish-green and their owner. Kisuke knew it was a brilliant plan, a plan he made as Sousuke's equal, he was after all just as intelligent, just as crafty, could be just as subversive, he had returned the favor and him when the Lord of Heuco Mundo was unsuspecting.
Kisuke didn't try to escape Souske's gaze, he had realized a long time ago there were no victim and betrayer in their relationship, both had long lost their innocence and had hurt each other equally.
That is, if Kisuke dared to think Souske had at some point in time, if only briefly, felt the tiniest bit if affection towards him. He is not so arrogant to believe he could have been loved.
The Shinigami took a deep, steadying breath and forced his body to comply with his wishes and move forward. Another step or two lead him closer to his target before he could reach his past lover one of the man's underlings appeared in his way and so the battle began. It was only later Kisuke found himself in front of Souske and for the life of him, he couldn't imagine what expression he wore, something between impassiveness and determination, but the shop keeper never let his pain and guilt seep trough. Hehad made his choice, Susuke had, too.
They stood facing each other, both their swords sharp and ready to battle, glistering with the blood of mutual friend and enemies, both wearing expressions understandable only to themselves. The situation reminding of that night when Kisuke's world and heart were shattered, the only difference that this time no disbelieving words were voiced, no accusations were made, only action remained.
After all, Kisuke knew, there was nothing left to say.
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Well,honestly I have no idea how exactly I ended up writing this, I guess the stupid rabbit bugging me and demanding to find a way out of my brain for a few nights was one reason and the other I really wanted to see if I could make a conversation between Kisuke and Aizen work,not to mention I find them both very complex and interesting characters to write.ok one last thing as you can clearly see the idea of them having tea together is not mine but Dracoqueen22 the rest though is all me.I'm also thinking of writing an oneshot that tells the story of what happens after the end of this you're interested please review and say so.