Teardrops

Raphael never cried. He hadn't since he had been a small child. Everyone thought he never cried because he considered himself to be 'the big, tough, macho guy', who didn't cry because he was 'too tough'.

That was not the case at all.

Raphael never cried, because it was sign that his strength was gone, that his hope had been erased. There were times when he shed a few silent tears at night, in his pillow, whilst everyone else was asleep. But long ago he had made a vow to never cry in front of his brothers, especially Mikey.

Mikey saw him as his tough older brother, who was strong and loyal and brave. He couldn't bear for his brothers to see him cry, because then there would be no one left to comfort them. He always hid his tears behind a stone mask, saving them for a time when he was alone and could allow his grief to show. In front of his brothers, he had to keep that mask up, so he could comfort them, and wipe away their tears. Whenever Raphael saw his brothers cry, his heart would break just that little bit more, hurt just a little bit more, and make it that much harder for Raphael to remain stoic. He didn't want his brothers to ever feel that pain with him.

There had been a lot of tears recently. Master Splinter…Sensei…father, passed away. He died peacefully, without pain, in his sleep, surrounded by his family, but it was still a blow to Raphael and his brothers. Grief hit them hard and fast, and Raphael hadn't seen dry eyes for two weeks.

It was like his brothers were broken. Leo was shut off from the rest of the world, spending all his time in Master Splinter's room, meditating and just…staring off into space. Don shut himself away in his lab for days, making who knows what and destroying god knows what. Mikey spent his time in the kitchen, aimlessly cooking things they did not need. An apple pie for dessert, a cheese cake for later, if they got hungry, cookies of all flavours to snack on, whenever they weren't busy.

Raphael did what he usually did. He took his emotions out on his punching bag and went for long runs during the night, finding thugs and thieves and giving them a good pounding.

But in the two weeks since Master Splinter's passing, Raphael hadn't cried once, not even in the privacy of his own room.

"I'm sorry for intruding," Raphael mumbled, looking down at his clasped hands.

"You're not intruding, Raph," April said gently from kitchen. Filling two glasses with cold lemonade, she made her way over to the couch where Raphael was hunched over. "Here, this will make you feel better."

"Thanks," Raph said, taking the offered glass and putting it on the coffee table, untouched.

April took a sip of her own lemonade, unsure of what to say to Raphael. What could she say to cheer him up? To show him that he wasn't alone?

"I didn't know where else to go," Raphael whispered after a moment's silence.

"Oh, Raph, you are always welcome here," April said, gently placing a hand on her friend's shoulder. "You're family."

Raph nodded, unsure what to say. "I…I just needed to get away from the lair for a while. Everyone's acting so differently…crying all the time. I couldn't stay there."

"You know, you and your brothers are always welcome over here," April said. "Casey too. Whenever you like."

"Thanks, April, that's nice, but I'm sure you don't want to put up with a bunch of sobbing turtles."

"I know Master Splinter was important to you all," April said softly. "He was a great teacher and a great father. I know, if he were here, he'd want to see you all smile again."

"Yeah," Raphael murmured quietly. "He'd probably make us do flips or something."

"Oh, he definitely would," April smiled.

"Still…I never realised how much we needed him. We can't do this without him."

"Do what?" April asked gently.

Raphael shrugged. "Live. He taught us everything we know, protected us from the outside world and always helped us to solve our problems. He was always there to guide us. How are we supposed to defeat our enemies and save people without him?"

"Master Splinter wouldn't have let you go to the surface in the first place, if he didn't think you were all ready," April said softly. "He trusts you. You are skilled warriors and loyal brothers. You have proven yourselves time and time again. You can do anything you set your minds to."

"I haven't cried yet," Raphael whispered. "Not once. I didn't cry when he passed away and I didn't cry at his funeral. I didn't cry when all my brothers were on the ground sobbing. I still can't cry. I don't know why. I want to stay strong for my brothers, and be there for them…but I want to cry to…I just can't. What kind of son doesn't cry at his own father's funeral?" Raphael asked in disgust.

"Oh, Raph," April sighed, her heart going out to the turtle sitting next to her. "Don't say that. People grieve in their own ways."

"People must think I'm a monster," Raphael whispered, his voice hitching. "An emotionless, heartless monster!"

"Hey, hey, people don't think that at all!" April said, moving closer to try and sooth Raphael's obvious fragile nerves. "Crying is not a sign of weakness, you know, and not-crying doesn't make you a monster. Everyone has his or her own way to grieve; crying is just the most common. What do you usually do?"

Raphael shrugged one shoulder. "I usually go for a run…or punch things."

April smiled. "See, you choose to express your grief through anger, and there is nothing wrong with that Raphael."

"I just feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one," Raphael admitted quietly. "It feels like if I cry, I'm letting my brothers down because I'm not being there for them."

"And who is there for you, Raphael?" April asked quietly. "Your brothers feel the same way. They just can't hide their emotions as well as you can. You are not a monster, Raph. Don't ever think that."

Raphael blinked and met April's eyes. "Thanks April, for everything."

"Anytime Raph, and I mean that," April said, giving the red-banded turtle a smile.

"I should probably get back to the others," Raphael mumbled. "Check on them and stuff."

"You're a good brother, Raphael," April said, resting her hand on her friend's shoulder.

"Thanks, April."

PAGEBREASK

Donatello looked up from where he had been standing in front of the kettle in the kitchen and quickly dried his wet eyes.

"Oh, Raph, there you are, we've been worried about you."

Raphael stood inside the door, frowning hard at the ground.

"Raph?" Don asked in concern, taking a step towards his brother. "What's wrong?"

Raphael lurched towards Donatello, collapsing in his arms as the tears he had held back for so long, finally became free down his cheeks.

"I miss him so much, Donnie," Raphael said in between sobs. "I miss him so much!"

Don felt his own tears rolling down his cheeks and pulled Raphael closer to him. "I know, Raph, I miss him too."