It's like I have lost my way, and all I want to do is get back to where I started. Where you are is where I want to be. I can't listen to that song on the radio anymore. You know the one that used to be our favorite. I can't walk down my street without thinking back to when we walked down my street hand in hand dreaming of a future that you shattered. You left me broken in the woods and I never found my way back. I can't sleep without nightmares, I can't hear a piano without thinking of you, and I can't be who my dad deserves me to be because you took that part of me with you when you left those long months ago. It's like without you here by my side I can't find a reason to exist anymore. I can't let myself live like that anymore. That is why a few days ago I decided that I didn't want to be anywhere that you weren't. God, this is gonna kill Charlie!! Oh crap Jacob is gonna kill me!!
"Umm…Dad?" I asked him quizzically. He looked up at me as if he knew what was coming. Knowing him, he probably did. He had told me a while back that I could do just about anything if he could see me smile again. I still dreaded what I was about to do.
"Yea Bells. What is it?" and I saw the knowing in his eyes.
"I have to go dad. And since you'll know anyway…no I'm not going to live with mom. I have to find him dad. My life can't be complete without him, and if he doesn't want me…then maybe this will help me move on." I finished looking him in the eyes and gauging his reactions.
"Ok." He said.
"No dad you have to…? Wait. What did you just say?" I asked thinking that I may have heard him wrong.
"I said ok. I knew this was going to come sooner or later kiddo. I just want you to be careful. I don't think I could forgive myself if anything ever happened to you Bells. You're my baby girl." He said. For once letting his emotions show all over his features. Sadness, compassion, understanding, love.
"I love you dad. Don't forget that. Ok." I choked out on the verge of tears that I couldn't weep until later.
"Love you too kid. When do you leave?" I smiled. He was back in Charlie the cop mode.
"Now actually. I don't want to sit and wait around all day when it really isn't necessary." I answered him.
"What are you going to do about Jake?" This question was one that I was expecting to come from his lips at some point.
"I'm going to write him a letter. Can you give it to him dad? I just can't say good-bye to him face to face." I asked with hope soaking my voice.
"Yea. If that is how you want to do it. I guess that it is better than just leaving without a word right?" I just nodded.
"Let me go write it. Then I have to go dad." And I turned and headed up the steps to my room for what could possibly be the last time for a very long time. Taking out a sheet of paper and a pen, I sat down at my desk to tell Jake bye.
Dear Jake,
I hate to this, believe me I d. I really need to do this for myself Jake. I actually think that if I don't I might very well go insane! You know as much (or more) that anyone how much I love him. I don't think that I can live much longer without some semblance of how things used to be before he left. I need normalcy again, and I am not so sure that I can get that here. You will always be my best friend Jake…no matter what. I know you don't like him for many reasons, your "different" life styles being one of them. But I love you both…just not the same way. For me I am never going to be normal, so does it really matter who I love? Any way what I was writing this to tell you…as I am sure you have noticed, is that I have to find him Jake. I don't know if I will be back (I hope we both will be) but if I ever do come back, I hope you will be there to be my best friend still. I love you like a brother Jake!
Love,
Bella
When I reread the letter to make sure it sounded ok. I smiled; I just hoped he was willing to wait for me. I folded the letter and put it in an envelope while jogging down the stairs to hand the letter to Charlie. Only tripping once might I add.
"Here you go dad. I really should get going though. I'll miss you." I said hugging him and backing towards the door.
"I'll miss you too kid. Call me when you get…where ever you're going." He said as I reached the door. I nodded and gave a limp wave, as I got one last look at my dad. I would see him again, that I was sure of. The question I wished I knew was when would I see him?