Dust and Hums
Minerva McGonagall strode along the corridor, her deep green robes swirling around her in a cloud of fury, her lips were tight with anger, her emerald eyes blazing with rage. A whisper of warning went round the school, students and professors hid in classroms, untill Minerva had passed, inhabitants of portraits fled from their frames, and everyone wondered what had Dumbledore done now. Some even wondered whether Minerva might actually kill him this time.
Albus Dumbledore sat in his office, humming contentedly and sucking a lemon drop. He'd recently read a muggle book for children, called Winnie the Pooh, which was all about a bear with very little brain, who liked to make up hums about things. Albus had been fascinated by the idea of hums, and had been experimenting with them. He'd started with one from the book, called How cold my toes, tiddly pom. It didn't sound right though, since his toes weren't cold at all, so now he was experimenting with How crooked my nose, tiddly pom. Suddenly he heard Minerva's enraged voice echoing up the spiral staircase.
"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE ! YOU'RE GOING TO BE SORRY THIS TIME ! YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR !"
"Oh Merlin!" Albus gasped, as his face paled, and he remembered how he'd spent the morning. "Oh Merlin ..." he whispered, as he searched frantically for somewhere to hide.
Just as the door handle turned, Albus had a brainwave and dived behind his desk, crammed himself desperately into the cubby hole, where his legs normally went, whispered frantically, "For the love of Merlin, tell her I'm not here ..."
"WHERE IS HE ?!" Minerva thundered, wand in her hand, and fire in her eyes.
All the paintings on the wall looked petrified, some tried to sneak out of their frames and find refuge elsewhere.
"WELL ?" Minerva demanded, fixing the portrait of Armando Dippet with a fiercesome glare.
For a few seconds, Armando Dippet's mouth opened and closed, like a fish out of water, as his face paled slightly. "I ...He ...Uhm ..." Armando stuttered. Then finally he came to his senses, "He said to tell you he's not here." He said, looking very pleased with himself, then suddenly realisation dawned, and he looked utterly horrified.
"Oh Merlin ..." Came a whisper from under the desk, then, "That wasn't me, I'm not here, very definitely not here."
Instantly Minerva's gaze was on the desk, her wand pointing direct at Albus' hiding place, as she commanded. "Albus Dumbledore, you stop skulking there, and come out and face me, right now."
For a moment there was silence. "I'm not Dumbledore, and I'm not ...oh Merlin, I mean ...he's not here. In fact no one's here at all." Whispered Albus, in a voice that quivered slightly. "This is just a talking desk ..."
"ALBUS !!" Minerva thundered in threatening tones, "You come out from under that desk At Once !"
"Uhm .. No ... I think I'd rather not, thank you. I quite like it down here, it's really rather pleasant here, whole new perspective on life and all that ..." Albus answered.
"I see ..." Minerva said, in a voice that filled Albus with a sense of impending doom. "Well, we'll just see about that then shall we." She said, as she pointed her wand at Albus' hiding place, and muttered some words under her breath. Instantly the desk was reduced to the size of a toy desk, which was now perched precariously on top of Albus' bright purple hat.
Albus gasped in horror, then reached up and plucked his desk off his hat, looked at it mournfully, and said, "Three brand new tins of lemon drops ...shrunk, three whole tins ...ruined." Albus shook his miniture desk sadly, he seemed completely oblivious of Minerva's fiercesome glare directed at him, "My lemon drops ..." he muttered.
"Damm your lemon drops ..." Minerva snarled, "What about my office ?"
Albus jumped, as he remembered why he'd been hiding, then he started to shuffle backwards across the floor as fast as he could. "Is something wrong with your office my dear ?" He asked, trying desperately to look innocent, whilst scrambling to his feet, and taking a couple of steps backwards.
"Don't you dare try to play innocent with me." Minerva growled, pointing her wand menacingly at Albus.
"I was just trying to help ..." Albus answered apprehensively.
"Helping ! is that what you call it ? How exactly is it helping to pile all of my papers and books in the middle of the floor, and leave them there ?! Minerva asked thunderously.
An expression of panic appeared on Albus' face, as he took another nervous step backwards, "I meant to put them back, my darling ...I ...I just got a little distracted ...you see it's my experiments in hums. They really are most fascinating, and I suddenly had an idea for one come to mind, so I decided to go and practise ..." Albus stopped suddenly, as he noticed the expression of blazing fury on Minerva's face.
Albus could have sworn that he heard a sound, that resembled a growl, as Minerva advanced furiously on him, as though she would have liked to strangle him.
"But ...but ...my darling, I was just trying to help ... you see I was in your office looking for my lemon drops ...and ...well ...I thought it looked a little untidy ..." Albus tried desperately to explain.
As Albus saw the look of murderous fury, on Minerva's face, he ground to a halt, and started to look even more nervous. Then began to edge towards the door, hoping that Minerva wouldn't notice.
"YOU WHAT ?!" Screamed Minerva in rage, "Do you know how long I spent tidying up just last night, and you thought it looked a little untidy ! Look at your own office, it's a disgrace, it's a tip ..."
Yes exactly ..." Albus said, an expression of hope passing over his face, "My office is a tip, absolutely disgustingly messy. Whereas your office, my dear is always immaculate, not a thing out of place, but today I just thought it looked a little less tidy than normal, so ..."
Albus hesitated, looking utterly mystified, as Minerva advanced on him, waving her wand threateningly, with a look on her face, as though she would like to murder him.
"Oh ...Indeed ...I spent three hours tidying up last night, and you thought my office looked untidy ..." Minerva snarled.
"I never have understood why you spend so long tidying your office anyway ..." as Albus realised, what he'd just said, a look of absolute horror, mixed with terror, crossed his face, and he began to move even more rapidly towards the door.
"Oh no, you don't ..." Minerva growled, and with a flick of her wand, cast a locking spell on the door of Albus' office.
For a second, Albus resembled a small trapped, and utterly terrified animal, then he regained his senses a little. "You know ..." said Albus as he backed away from Minerva, "You're incredibly beautifull when you're angry, my dear." Albus twinkled at her charmingly, and waited hopefully for her to melt into his arms.
"You're not getting out of trouble with that line again, Albus Dumbledore." Minerva growled, and took another menacing step towards Albus, who was looking increasingly scared. "I am going to teach you a lesson, you will never forget."
Before Albus could speak, or try to plead for mercy, Minerva had flicked her wand at him. Suddenly the headmaster was transformed into a garish pink and purple feather duster. Minerva shot out a hand, and with a look of wicked delight on her face, picked the duster up triumphantly.
"And now, Albus Dumbledore, I Am going to clean your office." Minerva said firmly, her emerald eyes gleaming, with a mix of glee and rage.
"Oh good, I love when you clean my office, it saves me having to do it ..." Albus said, hardly able to believe his luck. Then a horrible thought entered his mind, "Oh ...oh Merlin ...Minerva, you wouldnt ..."
"Oh yes, I would." Minerva snapped.
Holding the hapless duster firmly, she started to poke it vigourously, into the dustiest and dirtiest areas of Albus' office.
"Oooooo ..." Said the duster, as Minerva shoved the feathers into a corner between two cupboards, "I wondered where that lemon drop had gone."
"Be quiet" Growled Minerva, "Dusters don't talk"
"How do you know they don't ?" Albus asked.
"Shut up, or I'll give you to the house elves for a week, and tell them to use you to clean the filthiest areas of the castle." Minerva commanded.
"You wouldn't be so cruel ..." Albus said hopefully.
"One more word, and you'll find out just how cruel I can be ..." Minerva snarled.
Minerva thought she heard a whimper from the duster, and then there was silence for several minutes broken only be violent sneezes. Which Minerva ignored, she was just beginning to feel that her plan to teach Albus a lesson was going well, very very well, when the duster began to giggle. Minerva glared at it in disbelief for a second, as her rage started to increase once more.
"Stop giggling ! You're meant to be suffering not giggling !" Minerva snapped, the fire in her eyes flickering in anger.
"I can't help it ... aaaaachooo ..." Albus spluttered "It's ticklish ..."
"What's ticklish ?" Minerva asked, then could have kicked herself.
"The feathers of course ..." Albus answered, then sneezed violently and giggled.
"Typical, just typical ..." Minerva growled, "Even as a duster you're still damm annoying ...I've had enough of this nonsence, you're impossible !"
Minerva flung the duster across the room, then turned and stormed out, slamming the door loudly after her. 'Honestly', She thought, 'Only Albus could be tickled by his own feathers. Why did she put up with him ?'
"Ouch !" said the duster, plaintively, followed by a sneeze. "Minerva, my darling haven't you forgotten something ...Minerva ...Minerva, my love ..."
"Oh ..." Albus said, as realisation dawned, "Uhm ...Help ..."
Several hours later, Minerva encountered a rather bewildered looking Minister of Magic, in the entrance hall. "Is anything wrong, Cornelius ?" She asked.
"I ...I'm not sure ...most peculiar, most odd ..." Cornelius Fudge muttered, "I was just up in Dumbledore's office looking for him, and there was ...a strange pink and purple feather duster sneezing and giggling in the middle of the floor ...and then it begged me to help it ..."
"Merlins beard !" Minerva muttered under her breath, she'd completely forgotten about Albus.
"What did you say ?" Fudge asked sharply.
"Nothing, nothing ...really Cornelius, I never heard such nonsence in my life. This is a school, not a madhouse, I'll have you know. You must be coming down with something. You look a bit feverish to me." Minerva said, in her best no nonsence tone of voice. Then swept off along the passage, towards Albus' office. 'I suppose I really ought to turn him back now,' She thought to herself, even though it was tempting to leave him like that just a little longer.
Cornelius Fudge stared after her, then ran a hand across his forehead, "I think I'll just go and lie down ..." he said to himself in a voice that trembled slightly.
Author's Notes
Please review, if you enjoy this story, thanks. :) Dedicated to all those who hate to clean, and inspired by a day when I had to dust and hoover, lol.