So, being the incredibly witty and irreverent person that I am (and master of sarcastic false sarcastic immodesty), I noticed something about the Breaking Dawn quotes of the day. Or, rather, about Stephenie Meyer's statement about the quotes of the day, which she called "purposely misleading." Of course, for me, "purposely misleading" translates to "comedy gold." So, here it is: an entire story based only on the Breaking Dawn quotes of the day.
It was the day of the big party, and Alice and Edward were having an argument.
"Please, Edward! Just let me dress her!" Alice begged.
"Alice, for the love of Jasper, how many times have I told you? Bella does not like to be dressed up. And this is such a special day, I don't want it messed up for her." Alice sighed.
"I suppose you're right," she agreed reluctantly, "The engagement party of Mike Newton and Jacob Black must be a pretty special occasion for someone who's spent years trying to spurn the advances of both. But still…can you at least let me drive her there?"
"No," Edward replied firmly.
"I'll play you for it," suggested Alice. "Rock, Paper scissors."
"Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward sighed.
Alice closed her eyes. "I do. Excellent."
--Alice's Porsche, approx. 10 minutes later—
"Alice?" Bella said.
"Shh!" she whispered, jumping, "don't mention that I'm secretly primping you in the car before we leave. He might hear!"
"But he won't."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you said it."
"Who said what?"
"Who's saying this?"
"I don't know."
"Neither do I."
"We need our speech markers back," said Alice.
"Thank you," said Bella.
After a few minutes' silence (enforced by the copious application of MAC lip gloss), Bella spoke again.
"What I'm afraid of," she said, "Is being one of the only humans in a party full of vampires and werewolves. I'm going to look so…so…plain!"
"Trust me," Alice replied, "no one will dare call you plain when I'm through with you."
"Only because they're afraid you'll suck their blood," Bella retorted.
Alice shrugged. "Maybe so," she allowed, "but all the same, you'll stand out, believe me."
"If you say so." Bella paused for another moment, then added, "Just one question."
"Yes?"
"Why am I covered in feathers?"
--Meanwhile, at the Forks High School gymnasium—
Edward entered to quite a sight. A team of teenage werewolves was constructing an impromptu dais (while a team of teenage humans constructed a very rickety banquet table on top, under the supervision of Mr. Bloor, the school's very scary wood shop teacher). Emmett had scaled the walls like a spider monkey, and was now stapling streamers onto the ceiling in the shape of a heart. In the center of the room sat a table, which held a single piece of paper. That paper contained oddly specific instructions that Alice, the party coordinator, had left in case of the disasters she knew were coming; Mike Newton was pacing the room, stopping every few minutes to check the list. Charlie and Renee were at the table on the left, stirring punch. Edward headed toward them, since they seemed the sanest.
"Hello, Edward," said Charlie with grudging affability (in a way that only Charlie could).
"Good evening, Charlie, Renee," Edward greeted courteously. The three of them stood there for a moment, then Edward spoke again. "So…why are you stirring punch?"
"Alice wouldn't let us do anything else," Renee explained. "Every time we tried, she all but ripped our throats out."
Just then, Alice entered. Pointedly avoiding Edward, she headed straight for the table-builders on the other side of the room.
"Little more to the left," she called to Tyler while dissecting the mathematical relations between the chords in Copland's Rodeo.
Edward immediately crossed the room. "Alice," he growled, sidling up to her, "what have you done?"
"Whosee-whatsit chortle?" she asked innocently, translating "Jabberwocky" into Spanish.
"But you look so guilty—like you've committed a crime." Alice did not have time to respond, for Bella entered at that moment. Dressed in a chicken suit.
This wasn't just any chicken suit, however. The feathered shorts were tiny and high-waisted, 40s-style. The feather-drenched shirt had a low-cut, square collar and flared sleeves. Red, scaly-looking high heels encased Bella's pale feet, and a feathered cap was perched on top of her poufed hair.
"Oops," Edward breathed, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"What?" asked Alice innocently. "You couldn't be regretting letting her ride with me, could you? It's the latest fashion in Milan, after all."
"It's a chicken suit," pointed out Jasper, who had just entered with Rosalie.
"Alice," said Edward dangerously. " 'regret' is not a strong enough word. You are lucky that you are my sister, so I cannot beat you dead."
"I'd like to beat you dead," Rosalie interjected helpfully.
The conversation was interrupted by a loud, constant sound of feet hitting the floor; Mike was pacing in double time.
"What's wrong with Mike?" Emmett asked.
The question was answered when Mike stopped, did a full-body twitch, and yelled out, "WHERE'S JACOB?"
Just then, Sam Uley came in. "Vampires, werewolves," he announced, "I'm afraid we'll have to band together again."
"Aww," cried Emmett, "Do we have to? Isn't there something against that in our treaty or something?"
"This is not something our treaty anticipated," muttered Sam, "this is a danger to every human in the area."
"What is it?" asked Edward, instantly taking Bella into the protective custody of his arms.
"It's Jacob," Sam answered, "he's streaking down the side of the highway."
--approx. 2 minutes later—
"I came as quickly as I could," said Carlisle, appearing by the side of the highway in his extremely understated Mercedes-Benz.
"Excellent," said Sam businesslikeishly. "He should be coming around the corner any minute now."
"Bella," Edward said, slowly moving in front of her, "get behind a tree."
"No," Bella replied.
"It's dangerous," Edward emoted.
"I can take care of myself," Bella informed him.
All seven Cullens, the werewolf pack and Mike turned to stare at her simultaneously.
"Edward," Alice cried, "we don't have time to worry about this. Look, here he comes!"
Surely enough, there Jacob came, looking like an escapee from a nudist insane asylum.
"Yuck," said Rosalie.
"I can't understand!" Jasper lamented, "I can't bear this!"
"How can we fix this?" Emmett asked frantically, "Would biting him help?"
"I've seen vampire venom work miracles," Carlisle replied, "but there are conditions that not even venom can overcome."
Just then, Bella peeped out from the tree she had hurriedly hidden behind, caught sight of Jacob, and immediately fell to the ground in a stress-induced seizure.
"Bella!" yelled Edward, who was of course at her side immediately, "Bella, are you okay?"
"Scary…" Bella muttered, "…nightmares…"
"What can I do?" Mike asked, standing at Bella's other side but looking at Edward.
"Do you want me to sing to you?" came Edward's panicked voice, "I'll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away."
"Edward!" shouted Alice, "Bella will be fine! Help us beat and capture Jacob!"
Edward was gone in an instant.
When her conniption abated, Bella looked despairingly toward the sky…only to meet with Mike's face.
"Oh, Mike!" Bella lamented, "How will I go on?"
Mike was still staring after Edward. "Yes, please…" he murmered to himself.
--later, at the Cullen house—
Edward was on the phone with Seth. After the werewolves had dragged an incapacitated (and hurriedly clothed) Jacob back to La Push, he had called for minutely updates.
"…and now he's starting to wake up," Seth was narrating, "and he thinks he's in Nova Scotia…Oh, dear, I didn't know taquitos had that strong an effect on werewolves…You'll hurt her! Let her go!"
"What is it?" asked Edward, suddenly alert.
"Oh," Seth said, "I'm just watching Days of Our Lives. Some crazy stuff happens on this show, man! It's intense!"
"I know," Edward agreed, "I've seen about thirty-six too many episodes of it."
"Is that what vampires do at night?" Seth asked.
"Even though you are my friend," Edward replied, "you are still a werewolf."
"I take it that's a no?"
"You are correct."
Just then, Alice interrupted the conversation. "Edward, I've just seen something! We have to tell Carlisle straight away! Maybe we can work out a"—
"Seen what? Tell Carlisle what?" Edward interrupted.
"It's…"
"Yes?"
"…" Alice continued.
"What is it, Alice?"
"…." She replied.
"What's going to happen?"
".." Alice paused, "." She finished.
"The Volturi are coming," she added as an afterthought.
--one hour and thirty pages later—
"They're here!" called Emmett, who for some strange reason had been designated as the lookout.
"Hello," announced Aro a moment later, coming through the door, "How nice to see you all again!"
"Hello, Aro," Carlisle replied guardedly.
"Grr," said Jane, sullenly announcing her presence.
"Jane," Edward greeted menacingly.
"Meh," Caius and Marcus chorused, coming into the room.
"Oh my," exclaimed Alice.
"Urgh!" Felix announced his presence brutishly.
"Baaah!" shouted Emmett. Everybody looked at him. "What?" he questioned, "It seemed to fit!"
Rosalie shook her head and turned to the Volturi, to whose ranks had been added Alec, Heidi and three other vampires who shall remain nameless because they don't have names.
"So," said Rosalie none too politely, "why are you here?"
"Oh," said Felix, looking pointedly at Bella and licking his lips, "I think you know why."
"Not a chance," Edward growled.
"We're going to change her," Alice pleaded.
"Your time is up," Jane informed them, a glint of animation in her eye. "You change her now, or we eat her."
"Now, now," said Carlisle, "can't we come to some sort of agreement? We only need a few more months!"
"No"—Caius started, but Aro interrupted him.
"I'm afraid," he said, "that unless one of you were to serve us"—he glanced from Bella to Alice, then back again—"there can be no agreement."
"What about a contest?" Jasper wondered. "Couldn't we make a wager?"
"Yes, of course we could!" Aro exclaimed, clapping his hands, "Like a game! Oh, how delightful, I do enjoy games!"
Edward looked nervously toward Carlisle.
"What about a game of baseball?" Alec suggested. "We know how you enjoy it."
"Bloody Volturi know everything," Carlisle muttered to himself. Out loud, he said, "That's possible…what would be the terms?"
"If you lose," Jane answered immediately, "we get to eat Bella."
"Or she serves us for a year," Aro added.
"Or we eat her," Jane insisted.
"And if we win?" asked Rosalie.
"We'll go away and not come back for three years," offered Marcus, who looked extremely pleased with the idea.
Alice closed her eyes for a moment. "They'll stay true to their bargain," she assured her family.
"No," Edward growled, not at all predictable, "I won't put Bella at risk."
"We have one hundred of our comrades hidden throughout the area, just in case," Aro added, positively sparkling with glee.
"Edward," said Esme softly, "we must agree to this. It's our only chance, you must see that."
"You're right," he agreed reluctantly, still shielding Bella.
"Just one thing," said Emmett.
"What's that?" asked Alice.
"The teams aren't quite even…"
--two hours and several convoluted paragraphs later—
"Ah, Edward," said Tanya, gliding into the room, "I've missed you."
"Who's that?" wondered Charlie, who was standing next to Bella.
"Can't tell you," she replied honestly. How Charlie remained oblivious despite the surplus of scary, beautiful and pale creatures within the room was beyond her.
"Tanya," Edward replied curtly. The tall strawberry blonde was flanked by three other vampires: a brunette female with full lips, a man with black hair, and another male, who looked rather strange in that he was twitching and had maroon eyes.
"You must be Bella," Tanya turned on the human, falsely gracious. "I am Tanya," she announced grandly, "And these are Emily and Henry." She motioned to the woman and the dark-haired man.
"And who is this new addition to your family?" Carlisle asked politely,
"Oh, that's Bob," replied Tanya. "He's from Greenland. He only drinks platypus blood, so he can be a bit strange. Bit of a hassle, really; we have to have it imported."
"Alrighty then," said Emmett, "Who's ready to play some ball?"
--later, in the baseball meadow—
The game was about to begin. Aro was on the sidelines, jumping around and shouting:
"We are the Vol-tur-I!
We're gonna wi-I-in!
Cuz if we do-o-on't,
We're gonna ea-eat you!
Goooooo Volturi! Woooo!"
"Wow," Emmett observed to Rosalie, "I think he thinks they're gonna win."
"Over my pile of ashes," Rosalie muttered sourly.
"Rose," Emmett marveled, turning toward her, "That was almost a joke! Oh, I'm so proud!"
"Can we just play?" sighed Jane.
……………………………………………………..
By the ninth inning (there are nine of those in baseball, right?) the game was tied. All the players had had turns, except for Jane, Alec, Bob, and CharlieBella (Charlie and Bella were being counted as one player, since both of them were so athetically deficient).
The teams switched out their players, la da da…after some debate, Team Cullen decided to resign themselves to using Bob. However, Edward would not see CharlieBella on the fieldy-thing.
"I refuse to let her play," he told his teammates. "I'll just stay in again."
"Aw, Edward," Bella protested, "I'm not that uncoor"—at that moment, Bella, who had been sitting down, managed to trip over a stray ball three feet away and fall flat on her face.
"I rest my case," Edward asserted.
Jane got on the pitcher-moundy-thing. Team Cullen got in line to bat, and the game re-began.
Emmett was up first. Jane did an impressive little wind-up thingy that would have been very intimidating if she were three feet taller.
"Ooo," said Emmett, "scary."
"I could drive this baseball through your brain if I wanted," Jane bluffed, sullenly throwing the ball toward Emmett at breakneck speed.
Emmett, of course, hit it. It went into the woods, and he was on second base by the time Marcus found it on the ground.
Bob was next up to the plate (that's what they call it, right? The plate? Oh, I'm so proud of myself and all my sportsy terminology!). Jane scoffed, rolled her eyes, and tossed the ball rather slowly, for a vampire.
Much to everyone's surprise, Bob hit the ball waaaay out of the figurative arena. By the time Alec figured out where it was, both he and Emmett had scored home runs.
"That was surprising," Rosalie commented to Tanya, who was sitting next to her on the bench.
"Platypus blood is excellent for coordination," Tanya replied smugly.
As Edward came up, Jane started to get angry.
"What is with you?" she growled at him. "You've played every inning so far!"
"Just throw the ball," Edward growled back.
"No! Isn't there someone on your team who hasn't played yet? Ah!" her eyes fell on CharlieBella. "I don't think your human friends deserve to be left out of the fun…"
"You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating," Edward retorted.
"Now, now," said Aro, "It's only fair. Everyone gets a chance to go."
"It is in the terms we agreed to," Carlisle admitted.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Edward yelled.
"Edward," Alice chided, "play fair."
"I've got him," Emmett assured her, dragging Edward to the bench and holding him there in a headlock.
"Bells," said Charlie, "we're up to bat."
"Heresh," Bob whispered to Bella as she followed Charlie toward home base, "drinksh thish." He held up a phial of coagulated red stuff.
"Erm…no thanks?" Bella replied.
"Suitsh yourselfsh," said Bob.
The moment CharlieBella raised their bat, Jane wound up and threw them a curveball. They flailed in unison, did a very graceless flip in the air, and landed in a pile on the ground.
"Well," said Charlie, "looks like we lost…"
"The ball has disappeared!" announced Caius, coming from the forest, "we can't tag them out!"
"Run!" Alice shouted to CharlieBella.
Oh, they ran. And ran. And ran. It was a very, very long distance, but eventually they made it back to home plate.
"I think I…bruised my…ankle…" Bella panted, rubbing a disproportionately large, baseball-shaped lump in her sock.
"With no ball," Aro announced incredulously, "we cannot continue the game! Team Cullen wins!"
"Hooray!" the Cullens (plus Tanya's family) cheered together.
"Wellsh," said Bob, striding to the middle of the diamond and knocking Jane off the pitcher's mound, "Nowsh seemsh to beesh the perfectsh timesh. Emilysh," he announced, "I lovesh yoush. Will yoush marrysh meesh?"
"Yes!" cried the brunette. "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!"
"Oh, that is totally cheating," Felix remarked. "Get some originality, girl!" he called to Emily, "Jane Austen can't be relied on for everything!"
Ignoring Felix's bitter remarks, Bob turned to the Cullens and announced, "Yoush aresh allsh invitesh too, ofsh coursh."
"Oh boy!" Aro cheered, "I dearly love weddings!"
"Come on," Marcus droned, "let's get out of here."
The Volturi got out of there.
"Comesh onsh," Bob said, "letsh get outsh ofsh heresh."
As Tanya's family got out of theresh, Bella turned to Jasper.
"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties?"
Jasper didn't answer.
"You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"
Aaaaaand…finis. And now for a big announcement! I have decided to graciously host a Quote of the Day contest. Write your own quote-of-the-day story, send me a PM, and I'll add it to a C2. Contest closes next Friday at 8 PM, at which time I will add all of the stories to a poll on my profile, and you can vote for your favorite. Or your own. Voting will continue a week. Winner gets virtual vampire hugs. And I will personally review all of their stories. Soo…get writing!
Oh. And a cookie.