[McGonagall's classroom]

McGonagall: (passing back scores from the latest test) "Here, I have graded that test on mammal to insect transfiguration."

Harry: (bewildered) "We had a test!?"

McGonagall: (unconvincingly) "Don't be discouraged by these scores. It was a hard test."

Harry: (numbly) "I got a %17"

Ron: (turning wildly to Harry) "Dude, you beat me. I got a %12!"

[They high-five each other, for only God know why]

McGonagall: (sighs, returns to her desk, and lights a cigarette)

Hermione: (receiving her test) "I-I got a..." (time stands still for one breath-taking second)
"...%99."

McGonagall: (absently) Yes, very good Miss. Granger..."

Hermione: (deadly whisper) "I-do-not-get-%99."

McGonagall: (uneasily) "Well, somethimes we make mistakes...nobodys perfect."

Hermione: (drawing wand out) "I am perfection in all that is learned."

McGonagall: (bristling) "Now really Miss Granger, that is quite enough non-"

Hermione: "CRUCIO!"

McGonagall: (writhing on the floor) "Nya! Eur..." (drops cigarette) "Damn! That was my last - NyAA!"

Hermione: (pointing wand at random) "CRUCIO! CRUCIO!"

Everyone: "Wheeeeeeeee!" (They hop from desk to desk)

Hermione: (hisses, frothing at the mouth)

Harry: "Somebody get an exorsist!"

Dumbledore: (ever vigilant on school affairs) "Did somebody call for an exorcist!"

Ron: (shrugs) "That, or the Ghostbusters."

Draco: (sceptically) "Sir, are you really an exorcist?"

Dumbledore: (twiddles thumbs) "Eh, I'm the closest thing to one."

[Dumbledore turns to Hermione]

Dumbledore: "Dear me! This girl has some sort of parasite on her head!" (Transfigures Neville into a novelty scalpel)
"We must operate!"

Ron: "Nope. That's her hair."

Dumbledore: (rubs chin) "Well, I have one more theory..." (dashes out of the class)

Harry: (walks up to Hermione, whose eyes are red) "Hermione?"

Hermione: (throaty voice) "You will die a horrible death, Harry Potter."

Harry: (chortles) "Ooh! Now you're impersonating Trelawney!" (dissolves into giggles, then stops suddenly) "Hey, I just had an idea . . " (knocks on Hermione's head) "Are you in there Voldie?"

Hermione: "MUAHAHAHA!" (eyes glow hideously, and she hisses and slithers out of the room)

Harry: (waving after Hermione) "Hey, wait up Voldie! I haven't seen you in months!" (scrambles after her)

Ron: (screaming wildly) "SCHOOL DISMISSED!"

McGonagall: (confusedly) "Wha? You ca-" (is trampled as her class stampedes out the door)

Ron: (runs out at McGonagall tries to lunge at him) "Ron be nimble, Ron be quick!"

McGonagall: (calling from the floor) "Whoever doesn't come back, fails my class!"

[Only Hermione returns, followed by a triumphant Harry]

McGonagall: (cowers behing desk) "Is she alright now?" (straightens up) "And why are you so happy?"

Harry: (delightedly) "Hermione gave me . . . CANDY." (falls off his chair, laughing)

McGonagall: (blankly) "I don't get it."

Harry: (still laughing) "Me neither. Is it dinnertime yet?"

McGonagall: "No, but I'm hungry anyhow. Lets go eat."

[They both leave, Hermione still at her desk, mesmerized by the blackboard]


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, The Exocist, Ghostbusters, or Mother Goose rhymes.