AN I am beyond excited about this. This story is a delight and a half and I am so excited I am finally able to post it all! It is perhaps the rom-com-y-est thing I have ever written and it's glorious and I have negative regrets.

This was also written for the Beta Branch Big Bang! And a thousand thank yous to Bess and Deannie for betaing this for me. I've told you guys before, but you really helped me hammer this beast into something rather lovely.

Felicity power-walked down the sidewalk, trying to convince herself that this was a genius plan and that she didn't need to back out right, right now. Because it was a good plan, it was a great plan. Barring the complexity of a lie, it was perfect. She was hiring some guy to be her boyfriend for Thanksgiving so she didn't have to deal with her family's nagging. It was totally genius and not illegal and earned her some comparative peace for the holidays. Great plan. And it was okay anxiety butterflies were assaulting her stomach over it

Felicity reminded herself she was wearing her Strong Woman shoes, had on one of her favorite shirts, and that her makeup was more capable than flirty. She could walk into this meeting with her head held high. She was the boss here. She set the tone.

She pulled open the door to the café and scanned the room for the man she was supposed to meet. They had been emailing back and forth over the last week and he had said that he would be wearing a brown leather jacket and a blue shirt. Felicity skimmed the artistically grubby writer types, the families tucked into the corner booths, the couple of elderly men at the bar— She saw a brown leather jacket slug over the back of a chair, which was occupied by a man wearing a navy shirt. She took a deep breath and strode over.

"Oliver? Oliver Dearden?" It was perhaps a tiny miracle that she did not sound ready to bolt.

The man turned around in his chair, eyebrows raised in surprise. Oh, he was hot. Not attractive but grossly, obnoxiously, unfairly hot. He was rocking the whole rugged good looks thing, with his short blond hair and scruff and Felicity noticed he looked very, very fit.

Oh great, there's your plan defenestrating itself this very second. It was great, except you didn't consider your guy being ten times more attractive than you!

"Felicity Smoak?" he asked, standing up as he spoke. Felicity was almost too distracted by how huge he was to notice the proffered hand.

"Ah, yes," she managed, giving his hand a quick pump. She sat down opposite him, draping her coat and bag on the back of the chair. He settled back into his seat and they examined each other for a second. Then Oliver tilted his head.

"I might as well say this is…an unusual job offer."

"Yes, I know," she blurted, then dug her fingers into her thighs. She could do this. "I mean, I've never really heard of anyone else…doing something like this."

She grimaced and tried to compose herself. Their only correspondence had been through email, so she had never had to deal with actually looking at him while they spoke. She also had the luxury of editing herself before she sent off whatever she wanted to say. This was going to be challenging.

"No," he agreed, and maybe Felicity was being paranoid, but she was certain Oliver was hiding a smile.

A waiter stopped at their table and the two of them quickly ordered drinks to make him go away (Felicity also took the liberty of ordering a cinnamon roll, because she was nervous and she deserved sugar). She was thankful for the distraction he posed, though. If she could get a little more time, she would be able to ignore her nerves and Oliver's unnecessarily attractive face and deal with this like a normal person.

"I'd like to go over the details, just to make sure we have the same idea," Oliver said, cutting into her thoughts.

"Oh, yeah, sure." Felicity cleared her throat and glanced back up at him. His eyelashes were too long for words. But she needed to focus and focus right now, so she took another deep breath. "What, uh, what exactly were you unsure about?"

"What my purpose is. 'Platonic boyfriend' is a little…contradicting."

"Okay, well, that's it? I mean, what I'm asking you to do, what the job description is, is to just be my boyfriend for Thanksgiving."

Yep, that was delivered exactly like a normal person.

"Yes," Oliver said, dragging the word out as if to say that he didn't want to be rude, but he did in fact know why he was there. Why was she even doing this, why was she even interviewing a guy to be her boyfriend? She needed to leave that table and that man right away. "But what exactly does that mean? How did you end up in this situation?"

Felicity grimaced, closed her eyes, and tried again. "I…somehow ended up telling my extended family that I was dating a guy and it kind of snow balled, so I need someone to show them at Thanksgiving. It's just for the night, but you'll be pretending to be my boyfriend of a few months. And now I'm asking you to please take pity on me."

Oliver tilted his head again and there was definitely a smile hiding on his lips. She would have been annoyed if she hadn't been so embarrassed and if that smile wasn't devilishly handsome.

"So this is all for your obnoxious extended family?"

"Yes. After Thanksgiving, you can go on your merry way."

The waiter returned with their drinks and Felicity's cinnamon roll, and then they were again alone. Oliver leaned back in his chair, fully contemplating her. He had agreed to help her, but she still felt nervous. He could still back out at any time, no money or proper information had been exchanged. She really hoped he wouldn't, because Felicity didn't exactly have time to search for and interview another male escort. But, despite her hideously awkward start nothing too terrible had happened, so she was hopeful.

"You know…this isn't what I normally do."

"Yes, I totally understand. I mean, we're not going to be hav—I mean, if you're uncomfortable with how personal this is, that's completely fine," Felicity babbled, then clicked her teeth shut. She had been half a breath from saying that he was probably more comfortable with jobs ending in mindless sex than actually doing something of substance. It was only great good luck that had kept her from insulting him so much that he got up and walked out of the room altogether.

Felicity knew that Oliver had caught her near miss, though. His polite expression tightened, ever so slightly, and she could have sworn his eyes narrowed just enough to ask her if she really wanted to pick that fight. But then it was gone. A heartbeat later, his smile was as bland as ever and he still sitting there, thumb running along the edge of his glass.

"What are you expecting me to do as your boyfriend?"

"Hm?" Felicity straightened, surprised by his question. She chewed a piece of cinnamon roll to keep herself from rambling further, then answered his question. "Uhm, nothing gross? Oh geez, I mean, no…bedrooming, okay? This is going to stay completely platonic. You just…" Felicity trailed off, not certain if 'arm candy' was considered offensive. "You play nice, tell how we met, be rude to Uncle Gary because he was too cheap to send me a graduation present, both times. Be yourself, just…as my boyfriend."

"What are you planning on telling them after Thanksgiving when I'm no longer there?" He seemed genuinely curious, the slightly stilted air disappearing from his voice.

"Oh, well, that's the easy bit. We'll naturally fall apart around January or so, or, if they really liked you, I'll catch you cheating or something in a few months. Then we breakup and I'll have enough sympathy to ride out until at least the summer," Felicity said, then frowned. "I'm sorry you're the bad guy, here."

He shrugged, a smile tugging at one side of his mouth. It didn't seem very real.

"It's fine with me. I won't be around to be angry at, after all."

"Right. So…uhm, any further questions?"

"Yes, actually," he said, resting his elbows on the table and giving her a completely unfair, charming grin. It was like he had flicked on a light in his smile and he was suddenly warm and complimentary and unreasonably becoming. "How'd you find me? I'm not with an agency."

"Oh, you know, through a friend," Felicity said, then closed her mouth. It felt exceptionally awkward to give an identity to one of the women who had bought Oliver before. Bought Oliver's time. By which she totally meant the pleasure of his company. Which was not cheap and buyable, but more a loan or generous barter system.

Felicity let out a long breath.

She was getting better and better at this.

Oliver glanced up at her like she hadn't just had a rapid fire mental meltdown. His smile was now slightly sardonic, like his true emotions were fighting against that look of picturesque charm.

"Right. But why me?"

"You fit the bill," she said simply. "I told my family I was dating someone tall, athletic, and pleasant. When I told my friend of a friend…they directed me to you. Gotta be totally honest, though, I didn't expect all of…this?"

Oliver smothered another smile at her glancing him over in slight confusion. Then he straightened, and was instantly all business. "Alright. So what are the rules for me?"

"So a lot of this stuff we're going to have to address as it comes up, just because I honestly cannot predict my family for the life of me," Felicity said, getting the sense that she had finally returned to solid ground. "Basically, it's this. You can drink, but no getting drunk. I'll drive. No playing poker with Uncle Wyatt; he cheats. His girlfriend Siobhan is worse. You can swear, but not in front of the kids. Grandma Jodie isn't my grandma and you have full license to be a bitch to her."

Oliver raised an eyebrow, and Felicity shifted in her seat.

"I have a big family and a lot of feelings."

"I see. Back to the platonic part. How much is too much?"

"Oh, hm," Felicity said, a little surprised at how straightforward he was, especially after her 'nothing gross' comment. Then again, this was his job. She bought herself some time by taking a drink, thinking it over. "Obviously we're not going to be complete icebergs toward each other, you know, we can kiss but more like a peck than anything. No making out, no groping me. And my legs are completely off limits."

"Okay," he chuckled and took a sip from his drink. "What about clinging?"

Felicity stared at him with a baffled look. Oliver closed his eyes and sighed. A self-deprecating smile was on his lips as he corrected himself.

"I mean, cuddling. What about cuddling?"

"That is…okay, I guess? I mean, whatever fits in the moment. Same rules apply, though."

"That just leaves you briefing me on us, then."

"Us? Oh, yes, us!" she said, snapping her fingers. Felicity reached into her purse and pulled out a folder. "In here is all you need to know about me and what I've said about you."

"You remember all of that?"

"The moment I said 'Yeah, Grandma, I have a boyfriend!' was the moment I knew I had to keep notes," Felicity explained, watching him flip through the small stack of papers as she dug around for her tablet. "I didn't tell them much about you, just the vague details I mentioned earlier. Nothing about your job, where you're from, or even how old you are."

"Twenty-seven," he said absently.

"Oh, okay. I'm twenty-two. When's your birthday?" she asked, pausing in her search for her tablet. Five years. She could handle that.

"May. May 16th," he said, looking up. "And you?"

"September 3rd."

Oliver nodded and glanced back at the papers.

"That only has the fine details," Felicity said. "There's other stuff I was just going to tell you."

"Hm?" he asked, tipping his head up but not looking at her.

"Well, I'm Jewish, for one. My dad's out of the picture, I graduated MIT at nineteen—" Oliver glanced up at her, eyebrows raised, but didn't interrupt "—I work in IT, and I hate kangaroos."

"Anything else?"

"Apple is an overrated cult."

"Good to know," he chuckled, flipping a page.

"And you?" she prompted. Her tablet was now set up, primed for whatever he would tell her. His birthday was already the first prim little line on the new document.

"Well, I don't know," he sighed. Oliver leaned back in his chair, studying her. Felicity suddenly had the impression she was the one being interviewed. It felt distinctly less than awesome.

"I'm from Starling. I have a little sister, my father died a few years back. I don't have a car."

Felicity blinked, unsure what to tackle first. Of course, the words that came tumbling from her mouth were, "I have a Mini."

Oliver blinked. "What?"

"A Mini. I have a Mini Cooper. It's red and super cute. I feel like I could put it in my pocket." She pretended to drop something the size of a coin into an imaginary pocket, complete with sound effect. When she looked up, Oliver was staring.

Felicity licked her lips. "Just trying to comment on what I can help with."

He continued staring, then broke into the first real smile of the meeting. "Thank you, then."

Felicity nodded awkwardly, then cleared her throat.

"Any…anything else?"

"Nope."

"Alrighty, then. I guess…I guess we'll see each other on Thanksgiving, then. My phone number's in the folder in case you need to contact me. But…otherwise, let's meet back here at noon, okay? We need to drive to my aunt's house and that's about an hour trip."

"Okay," he said, nodding and closing the folder. "Thanksgiving, noon, fake boyfriend."

"Yes. And Oliver?"

He paused in standing up and gave her a wide-eyed, honest look of questioning. Felicity dragged in a breath, wondering if that was the first move he hadn't carefully considered since she had sat down.

"I hope I didn't offend you with the 'no gross stuff' comment. Another thing about me is that I have a terrible tendency to word vomit all over people in completely unadulterated Felicity headspace waves, and I'm sorry ahead of time for any atrociously uncomfortable or unintentionally insensitive things I say to or around you. But," she said, taking a deep breath, "do know that I absolutely did not mean to insult you, or belittle you for your work, or anything. I just…I don't want any of the physical stuff. That's not what I'm looking for. I hope you understand."

"Of course," Oliver said, and he sounded really, truly genuine. "One thing that I have learned is to respect other people's limits. If I ever cross a line, please. Tell me."

Felicity nodded at him, still fighting the dregs of embarrassment at her ramble and also wondering what had caused that sudden sincerity in his voice. She held out her hand and Oliver shook it once.

"This will be fun," Felicity said, trying to reassure herself. "Just a whole lot of fun."