Ritsuka knelt in front of the chapel's altar. It was a cold, early morning, but the place was very warm. The chapel at the other side of his school had always given him so much comfort and quiet, but most of all, it held a lot of memories which he so treasured. That was where, he and Soubi had their private talks, and where they shared such secrets. It was also where Soubi nearly kissed him. As he stared out on the empty room, he could almost see what had happened play right before his eyes in certain parts of the sanctuary. Whenever he was alone in the chapel, at such time in the earliest of mornings, was when he freed his tears.
All such loneliness, sadness, and pain had burst out. He never worried about anyone catching him in his sobs, since barely anyone was even at school this early. No-one. He grit his teeth as the tears flowed down his cheeks. The pain was just so…painful. He had kept it all in under smiles, but when he had open his gates, he had nearly forgotten how the heartache felt. The tears just kept flowing, against his will. The past had flooded his mind. Everything.
The memories…of him hugging Soubi when his troubles came…of his smiles…of the day of his first kiss…of the first time he had called him Ritsuka…of when he cried on Soubi's shoulder…so many times. The many moments he had said he loved him. The undescribable blue of his eyes, how they saw right through him, he never knew. The hair he loved twirling around his finger, and such strong, warm arms that had held him. Ritsuka shivered when his teeth had grit even harder and his hand snagging the fabric of a pillow on his lap. The tears hadn't stopped.
Ritsuka hated his early morning chapel visits, but it was the only time he could vent. Because if he didn't, chances are, he would break when Soubi speaks of his relationship with Seimei. He would give everything to prevent that disaster. He knew he must stay by Soubi, and not do anything that would upset or sadden him. He couldn't bear leaving him, nor forgetting his cherished fighter. He wouldn't make a move or touch him, out of love.
For that was all he can do. When Soubi had told him of times when he lay in Seimei's arms, when he had went out with him, when he would come over his house. When Seimei would send him sweet texts, most of them he showed to Ritsuka. He could only smile and say, "Yeah, that's nice.", with a smile utterly composed. Ritsuka thought he would get used to it, but the pain that struck him had given him a jolt, just for a second, before he would resume his smile, and reply nicely to his fighter.
At leats Soubi was happy. The one he loved always smiled. That had to be enough for Ritsuka. His pain did not matter. Since he could not stop his love, or crush his own foolish hopes. It was his punishment. Thinking about it, Ritsuka realized being near Soubi as a friend was lucky enough, instead of being away from him, no, he wouldn't survive. A special friend Ritsuka had confided everything to after he broke down from Soubi's rejection had told him to just go away from his fighter.
His friend had said to stop shitting himself up, and putting up with the pain. Ritsuka asked his friend if it was so wrong to love his fighter when he loves someone else without him knowing, but all his friend said was: "You're only doing wrong to yourself."
Despite this, Ritsuka knew he couldn't give up his feelings, nor stop hoping. He went on, unfazed by his friend's advice and warnings.
As he cried and prayed in front of the altar, he thought, "Is this truly what's meant to be? Is this all I am reduced to? Drowning in hopelessness and loneliness? God…"