Disclaimer: I've played this game so many times that I shouldn't even have to look up anything. Paper Mario 2 The Thousand Year Door and I don't own anything except for my own original characters.
Warning: this story contains sexual situations, futanari, and anthropomorphic versions of Mario characters. If you are too young to read this, then hit the back button and come back when you're older, I won't be offended, I promise.
Story Start!
A long time ago there was a shining city that was pretty much a utopia for its time. The kingdom made everyone else's look like idiots in comparison it was so perfect. Sadly, there was some great catastrophe that destroyed the city and sent it deep underground.
In time, a new town was built on top of the old one and stories of the great utopia were lost to memories. Still, there were rumors of a great treasure in the lost city under theirs.
This where our story starts as a young princess in pink arrives on the scene in the new town of Rogueport…
Standing in the middle of town was young blonde Princess Peach as she made her way from the harbor, eager to start looking through town.
The blonde yawned, unafraid of scratching her rump through her pink dress. "Man, that boat ride was murder. Who's idea was it to take a small boat from town to town on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom again?"
(Flashback)
"Your highness," said a young toad maid as she bowed low to the ground. "We have an extremely important bill for you to look through that would increase security against giant turtle monsters and kidnapping attempts-"
"BORING!" yelled Princess Peach as she stood up from her throne. "TOADSWORTH! I need a vacation. Tell some toads that I'm going to go exploring on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom by boat. Let's go bitches!"
The toad looked confused as Princess Peach and an elderly toad man ran out of the throne room, the bill she had been holding flew out of her hand into the fire nearby. She shook her head and left as well. "I need booze."
(End Flashback)
"Stupid Toadsworth for forcing me on this trip," Peach snorted, looking annoyed. She then rubbed her neck and grimaced. "The least he could have done was not use a shock collar to keep me in his sight at all times. Its not like I'm getting kidnapped here. All I have to do is avoid talking to strangers and-"
"Hello young miss," said a strange figure in front of a stall with various knicknacks and other things for sale. "Might I interest you in-?"
"SHOPPING! OH THANK GRAMBI, I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN!" Peach rushed forward started looking through the various things the mysterious woman had for sale. The fact that the woman hadn't removed her hood or shown her face didn't bother Peach at all.
The figure coughed. "Uh, anyway. How about this box? Legends say that it will only open to those that are pure of heart." She tried to open it but it wouldn't budge. "You see? It will not open for one like I. Why don't you try it?"
Peach frowned as she thought about it. "I don't know. Some strange person telling me to open a box when neither of us actually know what's inside…"
"It could be chocolate," suggested the peddler.
"I LIKE CHOCOLATE!"
Peach took the box and it opened in her hands, engulfing both her and the screen in a bright white light, blinding everyone.
Prologue
A Rogue's Welcome
In a quaint part of the Mushroom Kingdom relatively close to the princess's castle, laid the house of the hero sisters. Since Mario and Luigi are constantly busy with their Super Mario Maker game now, Danielle and Hermione are taking their places. Don't like it? Tough. Either hit the back button and get out of this story or deal since I'm not changing it.
Danielle and Hermione were passed out on the floor of their home, not hearing Parakarry from the first game call out that the mail had arrived. Both sisters were recovering from their amazing party the previous night where tons of booze, alcohol, spirits and more booze had been flowing like water. Several passed out hookers were occupying the various chairs and couches, all with cum oozing out of their abused holes.
Danielle, an auburn haired twenty-two year old girl, was starting to stir from her spot on the floor next to the couch, groaning at the bright sun bearing down on her poor eyes; her dick was sore, as was the rest of her body, and looking over at her younger sister, Hermione was too. Hermione was twenty-two as well, since it's just plain weird for her to be younger than Danielle so they were born at the same time.
I don't know how either, just roll with it.
Hermione was a brunette who's bushy hair had been tamed to be merely curly. She was currently cuddling into a Brazilian hooker, her own dick inches away from the whore's womanhood again.
Several hours later and after all of the hookers had left, Hermione stretched and sat down heavily at the kitchen table, trying to stop her pounding headache. "Ow, why did we have a party again?"
Danielle, who was also trying to nurse her own headache, looked at her. "Remember? I saved Peach from Bowser's flying castle and rescued the Star Spirits last week. Of course, all of that partying dropped me down to level one again and Peach took all of my healing items, badges and most of my coins so I'm doing great."
"Why did Peach steal most of your things?"
"Because she's a bitch and she said something about saving the Kingdom's economy by selling my stuff."
Hermione stared at her. "Why do you like her again?"
Danielle snorted. "I don't. I only save her from Bowser because he would be the worst of two evils. I mean, yeah, she's hot, but she can't even do elementary school math."
"Ah." When Hermione's headache died down enough, she sighed and went to get the mail. "I swear, if this is yet another love letter from that old toad down the block I will grab a fire flower and torch his ass." Luckily, there wasn't a letter from him that day but there was one from Princess Peach. "Great, what does she want now?"
Opening the envelope, she got back into the house, still reading it and laughing, shaking her head. Danielle blearily looked up and frowned. "What's got you laughing like that?"
Hermione snickered. "You just got a letter from the princess. Hang on, this is classic." Giving the red head the letter, Danielle took it and grimaced at the sheer number of spelling errors.
Deer, Danielle/Hermy
Hay! I'm on my ushal vacashion and got to this tuwn called Rogueport or somfing. I was walking arund and this reelly old ladi gave me a map! A MAJICAL Map. It culd leade to treashure and I neede you to cum and help me seence I'm too week to do it meself! I'm givin you the map wit this ledder so you can bring it wheen you cum. That meens you cum or I'll have you X-cuted! Hugs and kisses, Peach.
Danielle stared at the letter in horror as she struggled not to run into the bathroom to throw up at the horrible grammar. Hermione took a picture of the look of horror on her sister's face before she broke out laughing, making Danielle glare at her. "Not funny."
"It is too funny," Hermione shot back, still laughing. "You have no badges, no items, and about, what, one hundred twenty coins left? Not to mention you are at level one again. Have fun saving the princess this time!"
"I hate you, with all of my hate," Danielle groaned, slamming her head on the table. "I have to find some way to Rogueport now and I'll probably have only a hundred coins or so when I get there. This is just great."
"Have fun," said Hermione, snickering. She then grimaced at seeing the mess the party had left. "Oh, uh, you mind helping me clean before you…" She trailed off when she saw she was alone. She frowned. "Damn it."
XXXXXX
Sure enough, she was down to only a hundred coins when she got onto the boat to get to Rogueport. Rolling her eyes, she found out it would take several hours before she got to the stupid town so she spent it on a spare bed, passed out and trying to catch up on her sleep.
In next to no time, she was being woken up by some brave toad as she did her rounds. "Uh, excuse me, miss? We're arriving in Rogueport in just a few minutes."
Danielle sighed and nodded, standing up as she adjusted herself. She was wearing Mario's standard clothes again of a red shirt and blue overalls along with the standard red hat. She also had on hard boots and had a hammer that conveniently vanished when she didn't need it. Stupid Peach for selling the upgraded boots and hammer she got from her last adventure, leaving her with only the things she had on her.
Letting out a deep breath, she was the first, last and only passenger on the boat as she jumped off onto a harbor. It didn't look very impressive, only a few Bob-ombs and toads walking around working with some cargo. Taking the moment to look around, she pulled up her stats.
Danielle
HP: 10/10
FP: 5/5
BP: 3
HP was her health, naturally, FP was needed for special moves and she only had three BP, which she needed to put on badges. She grumbled as she hated being at level one again but shrugged it off, figuring she might as well get this over with.
Saving at a nearby save block, which hadn't changed from the first game, she got some background information on the town from a few workers before making her way away from the harbor.
"Help! Someone!" Looking, Danielle saw a Goomba girl that looked to be about twenty crying out for help. She was wearing an archeologist outfit and a pith helmet that didn't hide her blonde hair, which was done in a high ponytail. Standing around Five foot seven, Danielle was glad that this world's characters were much more humanized than in the games, where she wouldn't look anywhere near this hot.
The attacker was some guy that looked to be in his thirties and looked a lot like a purple clad Robotnik from the Sonic games. The only difference was that he was wearing a helmet that would put Dark Helmet to shame and goggles so his eyes couldn't be seen. Still, he was approaching the Goomba girl in a threatening manner.
"Yell all you want, girl, but you're coming with me. I know that it might be hard for you, but don't play dumb with us. You're asking a lot of questions that we can't ignore. Buh, buh, bwa ha ha."
The girl looked around frantically but couldn't see an escape route. "I don't want to face you clowns. I'll scream! I mean it!" Turning around, she saw Danielle and quickly hid behind her, making the red head blink. "Hey, protect me, would you?"
"What?"
The Robotnik wannabe glared at them before turning to Danielle. "You think you can protect her from the X-Nauts? That's funny. Prepare for pain hero girl!"
Battle Mode!
Blinking as she was suddenly standing on a stage with the crazy Robotnik guy on the other end, the various things from the main screen were now just props and set pieces here. "What the-?"
"Ding. In this game, there is a normal screen and a battle screen that resembles a stage show production. When the battle is over, you will receive star points for experience and go back to the main screen. The battle screen makes everything turn based so you cannot make a move early."
"Well that sucks."
"Hey, Miss," said the Goomba girl, who was still standing behind her in this battle screen. "You do know how to fight, right? Just choose an action and press the A button."
"Did you just break the fourth wall?" asked Danielle before shrugging and saw that a few options were available. The four in total were: Jump, Hammer, Items and Strategy. The last two were grayed out, meaning she couldn't use them, but when she chose jump, a little arrow pointed over the bad guy, a little text box above showing that his name was: Lord Crump. She also saw that she had to press the A button just before landing on Crump to do more damage than usual. "Interesting."
Sure that this game was messing with her and the whole A button thing, she picked Jump again and she was able to run forward and jump into the air, focusing at the last moment and managing to jump straight up instead of away and landing on Crump again, causing two hits each with a little number one inside of a star, proving she had done two points of damage in total.
"Yeah!" said the Goomba, cheering. "You're stronger than you look!"
Crump rubbed his head in anger. "Okay, now you've done it! Time to give you the old Crump-a-bomb!" He ran forward in a tackle attack but, her reflexes from the first game kicking in, she counter attacked and did him a point of damage. "Ow! That wasn't supposed to happen."
Picking hammer this time, Danielle saw that she was supposed to move the control stick to the left until the little light came on before letting go. What she did instead was simply charge her hammer a bit before slamming it on Crump's head, creating a little star with the number two inside, doing another two points of damage.
Crump only had five HP so he was done, giving Danielle about nine star points as experience.
Battle mode over
"You did it!" The Goomba girl cheered as they were now back in the normal world.
Crump, angry that he had lost, growled. "Okay, so you may have won, but…" He seemed to smirk under his helmet. "IT'S GO TIME! X-NAUTS! FORM UP!"
In a mere second, Danielle and her new companion were surrounded by smaller guys about the Goomba girl's size who's red and white uniform completely covered their bodies. "Uh, oh."
"ATTACK!"
Every X-Naut started jumping on the two heroes at the same time in mass chaos, the entire harbor in danger from their attacks.
Danielle and the Goomba girl had managed to simply walk around some of the bad guys and were running up a flight of stairs toward the main city square. The Goomba girl shook her head. "Wow, they aren't even noticing us leaving. Losers, let's go!"
As soon as they vanished into the city square, Lord Crump looked around. "Wait, hold up!" Every X-Naut stopped jumping around and formed up into a large circle. Crump looked around and nodded, satisfied. "Good work boys. We smashed them so good they vanished into oblivion!"
"SIR!"
XXXXXX
When they were at the town square, Danielle took in a deep breath and let it out as she looked at the Goomba girl next to her, who was looking relieved she was away from those guys. She turned to Danielle with a smile. "Thanks, if you hadn't come around…anyway, thanks again. I'm Goombella by the way, who are you?"
Danielle stared at her for a moment before shrugging. "Danielle."
That caused Goombella's eyes to widen. "Wait, the heroine of the Mushroom Kingdom? Oh my Grambi! That is so amazing I'm meeting you! What are you doing here of all places?"
"Trying to find Princess Peach," said Danielle, rolling her eyes. "She apparently found a map around here and she wants me to help her find the treasure at the end. I just got off the boat so I have no idea where she is though."
"Tell me about it," said Goombella, nodding. "I just got off the boat myself and the only thing I've been able to do is ask around for my professor, who is researching the Thousand Year Door under the city. He said something about a magical map being important to finding the treasure behind it…" She trailed off as she and Danielle stared at each other in surprise. "You think-?"
"That the treasure behind this 'Thousand Year Door' and the treasure the Princess wants to find is the same thing? I'm pretty sure it is. Besides, she sent me the map in question." Pulling out the map, Goombella nodded as she examined it.
"Yep, we've got to show this to my Professor. He should know all about it and maybe give us a lead as to where the Princess is too."
"Works for me," said Danielle who was about to turn into the town when she heard a voice that made her stop.
"Ah, Mistress Danielle!" The voice belonged to an elderly toad walking toward them with a cane in hand as he approached them. Toadsworth nodded to them as he arrived. "May I ask what brings you here to this wretched armpit of a city?"
"The princess told me to come or else she would have me executed for not helping her with a treasure hunt," Danielle deadpanned, which flew over Toadsworth's head but not over Goombella's, who looked at her questioningly.
"Ah," said the old toad. "The princess and I came here to acquire a spot of fuel for our boat and left the princess in a shock collar so she couldn't leave or get kidnapped. No idea how she managed to get the collar off but when I came back she was gone. Been kidnapped again I daresay."
"Yes, that is a shame," said Danielle through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the two Rogueport mafias fighting in the background. "And what is being done to try and find her?" she asked, already knowing the answer.
"Now that you are on the case, Mistress Danielle, I feel much better about the situation. I'll leave this in your capable hands." He seemingly didn't notice the large amount of killer intent Danielle was sending his way as he continued. "Well, I'll just stay over there at the inn until you recover the princess. Anytime you want to see me, just drop on INN!" There was an awkward pause as Danielle sent him a deadpanned stare. "Yes, anyway, I'll just be going." He wandered over the nearby inn, huffing along the way.
Goombella turned to face Danielle with an odd look on her face. "Someone kidnapped the princess AGAIN? It looks like the only lead we have is seeing my professor and getting some info on finding the treasure. Looks like I'm coming with you."
What she didn't say was that Danielle's natural pheromones that she got from saving all of the Star Spirits in the first game were so strong that girls literally got horny just by being in her presence. Already the goomba girl was hoping that no one would notice her rubbing her thighs together.
Before Danielle could say anything, there was a large burst of music only she could hear and the game dinged at her.
"Congratulations, Goombella has joined your party! Goombella can tell you about various people, things, and places by just asking. She's full of information on anything and everything so ask her for advice often. In battle she can use Tattle on her opponents to tell you about various strengths, weaknesses and stats. She can also do damage with her headbonk ability."
"Fun…" muttered Danielle as she rolled her eyes. She looked back at Goombella, who was looking at her expectantly. "So, where does your professor live?"
Goombella thought about it. "Well, I think he said he got some place on the Rogueport's east side so we should start there. We kind of got separated after we got our boat tickets to get here so I don't know exactly where."
"Is he your college professor or something?"
She nodded. "Yep! I attend classes at the University of Goom on the far side of the Mushroom Kingdom. Let's just say I had to do a lot of favors to get Professor Frankly to allow me to come."
(Flashback)
Goombella, who was wearing clown make up on her face along with a red frizzy wig and clown shoes, was for some reason cleaning her professor's toilet in his house. It didn't help that was all she was wearing so her body was on full display.
"Uh, Professor Frankly? Are you sure you have all of your students do this for a letter of recommendation?"
"Of course! Well, the female ones anyway. Now, back to work clown slave!"
(End flashback)
"I really don't want to talk about it," said Goombella, shuddering slightly as they made their way around the town square. "Oh, right. This is the Rogueport Town square, a sort of hub between commerce and housing as there are a couple of livable houses here. There's an inn with a pub here along with an item shop, a badge shop, and the way into the east and west sides of town."
"Going to be doing that often?" Danielle asked as they made their way east. The town was very rundown in her opinion with the walls covered with graffiti, the locals looking at her suspiciously and a hangman's noose in the middle of the square; probably a relic from the distant past or something.
"Not if you don't want me to," said Goombella honestly. "I'm good with just doing a quick bio of the various people we meet if you want that."
Danielle shrugged, not really caring that much as they walked a screen to the right and into the east side of town. The moment they came onto the new screen, a bandit ran right at them and, bumping into them, ran off again. "Move aside buddy!"
Danielle glared at him. "I'm not your buddy, guy!" She then blinked and looked at her coin total, finding she only fifty now. "Oh son of a Blooper! He stole my money!"
"It was, what, fifty coins?" Goombella asked, before she had to run to keep up with Danielle chasing after the bandit. After a long chase, they finally found him in some run down house behind the inn/bar. The blue bandit instantly paled at seeing them, especially seeing how angry Danielle was. "There he is!"
"Whoa, hang on there guy!" said the bandit as Danielle pulled out her hammer.
"I'm not your guy, friend!" said Danielle as she tried to pound him.
"Well I'm not your friend, buddy!"
"I'm not your buddy, guy!"
"And I'm not your guy, friend!"
"Can you please just give us our fifty coins back?" Goombella almost shouted, trying to get that South Park reference out of her head. What? She is a college student. It would be strange is she HADN'T heard of South Park.
Back to Danielle, she kicked the bandit in the balls before forcibly taking back her money, leaving the guy in a fetal position, crying out in pain. "Pansy." She looked at Goombella and smiled. "Come on, I need a drink. You want one?"
Goombella took a look at the poor guy and Danielle before nodding. "Totally. Good thing Rogueport doesn't have any restrictions on drinking."
Going around the corner and back to the village square, they got into the pub with no problem and sat down at the bar. The bartender, a guy named Podley, nodded to them as they perused the drinks. "New here? What will you have?"
Danielle shrugged and put the booze list down. "Just a couple of shots of whiskey for me. Goombella?"
The female Goomba was going over the list and he clearly never even heard of some of these drinks before. "Uh…have something for first time drinkers?"
Podley shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I recommend something light, for starters. I have some hard lemonade you might like."
"Good enough for me," said Goombella, ignoring Danielle's cough that questioned her tolerance for alcohol. "So, you got that map from Princess Peach?"
"Yeah," said Danielle, rolling her eyes as they got their drinks. "Right pain in the ass she is most of the time. Always looking to do things and she gets herself captured during most of them. I keep telling her to not update her Facebook page telling the world where she is at that moment but of course she won't listen."
"She tells everyone where she is on her Facebook page?" Goombella asked as she opened her can and took a drink. Tasting it, she shrugged. "Can't really tell the difference between this and regular carbonated lemonade, actually. It isn't bad."
"I bet," said Danielle, smirking as she downed one of her shots. "How does your power work by the way? Do you just psychically know everything about someone or what?"
"I think it's a super power or something, actually," said Goombella, grinning. "I can tell you almost anything about anyone here in this bar for example."
"Oh, what about Podley?"
Looking at the bartender, who was writing dark and gothic poetry in a corner of the bar, she nodded. "Okay, sure. Name is Podley and he's fifty-six. Has been a bartender for the past thirty years and has worked here in this bar for the past twenty-five. He's secretly a Goth and spends half of his time on dark poetry that Edgar Allen Poe would think twice about. He's had four lovers in the past but have all been one night stands. He's straight."
"Interesting," said Danielle, nodding. She turned and saw some strange guy in a fancy red suit singing at one of the tables. She smirked. "What about him? I bet he's gay or something."
Goombella looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Okay, his name is Flavio and is twenty-five. He has a successful shipping company but he also goes on long winded stories that have no end in sight, thus making people think twice about hiring him. He's stinking rich but spends most of his time here for some off the wall reason. He has had no lovers in his life and his orientation is questionable at best."
Danielle snorted in amusement as she downed her other shot. "Good to know. You done with that?" she asked, gesturing toward her can.
The blonde Goomba downed the last of her drink and nodded. Danielle put a few coins on the counter and they both left, heading east toward Frankly's house again. Passing by a couple of houses, they finally found his house after Goombella pulled out her GPS and found it right away.
Getting to Frankly's house wasn't the hard part, what was annoying though was that the door was locked. Goombella frowned. "Great, just great." She knocked on the door several times, yelling through the door. "Hey, Frankly, it's me! Open the door!"
Danielle watched as Goombella tried and failed to get Frankly to open the door for several minutes before she figured she might as well do it her way. Pushing Goombella out of the way, she pulled out her hammer and slammed on the door as hard as she could, breaking the door down and granting them access to the house.
"Danielle!" Goombella yelled, looking at her in horror. "Why would you do that?"
"Because your way was taking too long and now we're inside. You're welcome." Putting away her hammer, she walked inside and saw an elderly Goomba guy listening to music as he researched something in a book, completely ignorant of the fact that his door was broken. "Yo! Old guy!"
"Professor!" yelled Goombella finally getting the old guy's attention by taking away his book.
"Who? What? Oh, it's you, the clown college student that came with me to this idiotic ghetto in the middle of nowhere. Now then, what's your name again?"
Goombella sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's-"
"Hold on," said Frankly, thinking hard. "What was it? Uh…I think it was something stupid that sounded like a cross between Goomba and portabella." The both ignored Danielle's cough that hid her snigger. "Right. Portaba!"
Goombella sighed again as she ignored Danielle's laughter behind her. "No, I was in your archeology class last semester."
"Are you kidding? Do you think that I could remember all of my students from semester to semester?" asked Frankly. "You're lucky that I remembered that blonde hair. Oh, wait, you were the one that begged me to come while wearing clown make-up. Oh Luvbi! I can't believe you fell for that!"
Goombella was now hitting her head against the wall of the house, groaning as she was reminded of her…time alone with her professor. "Anyway! We're here about the Thousand Year Door, remember?"
"Of course I remember," said Frankly, sniffing in indignation. "I came all the way out here to research it. You came too but after we were separated from the crowds, I must have spent a good three seconds looking for you. After I couldn't find you, I figured you had been murder fucked and your organs harvested so I came here."
"Organs harvest- No! I was saved by Danielle here and we came here to search for the Thousand Year Door! Some weird guys are asking about the door as well, so we should go looking for it now."
Frankly gave her a look. "Okay, look, I don't know where the door is or what the treasure even is. Every book or recorded document I've found contradicts itself on what it could be. Some say it's tons of gold and gems, some say it's an expired coupon to a back massage and some others claim it's some huge spirit of a long dead demon lord. Personally, I think it's just some old mushroom that has had a thousand years to get all dry and gross. But everything agrees on one thing, though, and that is that you need the Crystal Stars to open the door and to find them you need the magical map." He shrugged helplessly. "Without that map, this whole trip was pointless."
"We actually do have the map, professor," said Goombella, eagerly, turning to Danielle. "Well, Danielle has the map, really, but we now have a place to start."
Danielle, who had been staring at the wall in boredom, suddenly looked up when she heard her name being mentioned and pulled the map out. "Yeah, here, go nuts."
Frankly's eyes widened at seeing the map as he studied it. "Whoa, this is perfect! Lady, I instantly love you more than any student I've ever had or ever will!"
Goombella frowned and pouted a bit at that. "That's not fair…"
"Whatever," said Frankly, waving his hand impatiently. "Point is, we have a lead and we might actually be able to do something now! Perfect! I was just sitting here on my ass and doing nothing until you got here, uh, what's your name."
"She's Danielle, Professor," said Goombella, crossing her arms and looking annoyed. "You know, the famous one? The one that is taking Mario's place this parody and is the central character? The one that saves the princess all the time?"
"You know that I don't play video games and neither should you," said Frankly, rolling his eyes. He turned back to Danielle. "If we could get down into the lower city, we could search the place for the Thousand Year Door, find out where the Crystal Stars are, and hopefully find some clue as to where the princess is at the same time."
"Excited guy, aren't you?" asked Danielle as they left the house, leaving the door lying on the floor as they trooped out. Frankly grumbled a bit about needing to fix the door but he didn't seem too concerned about leaving his place unguarded in an unsafe ghetto. "Now what?"
"Now we get into the underground city that should, actually, be better built and more sturdy than anything up here." Professor Frankly kicked an old rotten wooden board in front of him and it collapsed into dust. He then gestured toward the warp pipe on the other side. "After you."
"Great," said Danielle as she made her way toward it, "I've always loved going down warp pipes when I have no clue what's been in it for who knows how many years!" She jumped in, both Goombella and Frankly following quickly afterwards.
At the bottom of the pipe, Danielle looked around to see herself in some sort of cross between a sewer and an old ruin. Old and broken buildings were everywhere and she really didn't want to find out what that smell was.
"Wow, we're here in the old city under Rogueport," said Frankly, looking around himself. "I was right, a lot of these buildings are still better than what's above us."
"So, where's this Thousand Year Door, then?" asked Danielle, only get a shrug from the elderly Goomba. "Really? You don't even have a clue when you're the one researching this thing?"
"I've never been down here before now," said Frankly, shrugging. "Oh, before I forget, we might run into some…unsavory characters down here. But, now that Goombella is in your party, you both can fight them off."
"Good to know," said Danielle as she went in a random direction, only to run into three Goombas right away. "Wow, that was convenient."
The three Goombas saw them and snickered when they saw Gooombella. "Hey baby!" shouted one, getting her attention. "Ditch the red head and the old geezer and I can show you a good time!"
"Make that two!" yelled out another of the Goombas.
"Three!"
Goombella looked disgusted as she looked ready to barf. "Wow, that is like the most…disturbing and degrading thing ever said to me. I want to actually murder all three of you now."
The first Goomba blinked at that. "Wow, that was cold bra. All we wanted was to murder rape you, no need to go all psycho on us."
"Yeah," said the second Goomba, shrugging. "I mean, I get that we're evil and everything, but that didn't mean you had to be so harsh."
"Word," said the third.
"This conversation makes no sense and I want to fight you," said Danielle, shaking her head as she got ready.
Battle Mode!
Danielle
HP: 10/10
FP: 5/5
Goombella
HP: 10/10
Vs.
Goomba
Spiked Goomba
Paragoomba
"Hey," said Frankly, standing off to the side as he was unable to get his old ass to actually get into the fight. "You know that you and Goombella can switch places so she can go first, right?"
Danielle shrugged and looked at Goombella. "Go nuts."
Goombella nodded and used Tattle on the Goomba. "This is a Goomba, the lowest of the low of Bowser's minions…hey! I'm a Goomba! That's just downright insulting there! Anyway, they have an HP of two an attack of one and a defense of zero. They have no special moves or anything at all, really."
"Thank you for that, it was so needed," said Danielle, rolling her eyes as she charged her hammer and attacked the Goomba, dealing two points of damage and taking out the leader.
"Holy shit, dude," said the spiked Goomba, looking at his friend. "She just killed Gary! Well, take this!" He ran up and attacked Danielle with his spiked helmet, dealing two points of damage.
"Ow!" Danielle grumbled as she saw she was bleeding a bit from that spike. "He's hard to counter." She did better against the Paragoomba and was able to counter attack. "Yeah! Eat that! Goombella, do your tattle shit."
Goombella nodded and used tattle on the spiked Goomba. "This is a spiked Goomba, in case you couldn't tell from the spike on his head, dumbass. I guess he just got back from a BDSM convention or something, I don't know. HP is two, attack is two and defense is zero. You can't jump on them thanks to their spike so you have to use your hammer against them."
"Take this!" Danielle used her hammer again and smashed the stupid spiked Goomba, flattening him and dealing another two points of damage, wiping him out as well.
"Frank! No!" The paragoomba aimed for Goombella and she blocked the move but couldn't counter attack, reducing the damage she would have received to zero.
"No counter attack?"
Goombella rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "I really don't know much about fighting as this is one of my first real fights. I can block but countering is harder. Anyway, I'll just tattle on this guy. This is a paragoomba or a Goomba with wings…I'm kind of jealous. Wait, how does a Goomba get wings, anyway? Is it some sort of genetic mutation or…huh? Well, anyway, he has an HP of two, an attack of one and a defense of zero. You can't use your hammer on an enemy in the air so you have to jump on him. Once injured by a regular jump, his wings should vanish turning him into a regular Goomba…which is fairly sad, but, oh well."
"Finally," said Danielle, grumbling as she did a simple jump attack, doing two points of damage and defeating the paragoomba as well.
Battle mode over!
"Well," said Frankly in satisfaction, "that takes care of that."
"Yeah, you better stay dead you stupid bitches!" yelled Danielle as she spat on their corpses. "You wanted to go up against the bane of Bowser and you got what you wanted."
"While I do admit that that did feel good, aren't you taking things too far?" asked Goombella, watching Danielle kick the bodies a bit more.
"Look, I don't mind Goombas, but those three were pissing me off and needed to be taken down. Not to mention that the plot needed us to fight them."
"Okay, good point," said Goombella, not wanting to argue with her. Taking another warp pipe down, they were going down a hallway that ran next to what looked to be small river.
"There's running water down here? Ha, I knew this was a sewer."
"Can we just focus on getting to the door?" Frankly asked impatiently, tapping his foot as he waited for them. "Honestly, I'm the old one here."
Collecting a mushroom and a fire flower, they went down again to what had probably been a small courtyard when the city had been above ground.
Other than seeing a weird grey thing run through some bars that were too close together to squeeze through, there wasn't much in this room other than some stairs.
Battle mode start!
Danielle
HP: 8/10
FP: 5/5
Goombella
HP: 10/10
Vs.
Spinia
Spinia
Danielle raised an eyebrow at the new enemies she hadn't seen before as they looked like green spring things. "What are those?"
Goombella looked at them and used tattle. "These are Spinias. They are creatures that appear to be made out of thin papery boards and are kind of hard to describe if you haven't seen them. I recommend looking them up on the internet if you don't know what they look like. They have an HP of three, an attack of one and a defense of zero. They move fast so dodging and counterattacking might take some practice."
Danielle shrugged and did a standard jump attack on one of the Spinias, causing two points of damage.
When it came right at her, she was surprised at how fast they moved but she counterattacked at the last moment and did a point of damage, defeating it. The other one spun quickly toward Goombella, but she blocked and reduced the damage to zero.
"Okay, we are going to teach you how to counterattack at some point as that was pathetic." Danielle followed up with a hammer attack and caused two points of damage.
"Well, excuse me for not being a trained fighter," the Goomba girl huffed before using a head bonk, defeating the last enemy.
Battle Mode over!
"Ugh, your arguments are giving me a migraine," Frankly grumbled, already heading up the stairs ahead of them. "And I don't even think Goombas can get those."
"And I hate this place and can only barely tolerate you, so we're even," muttered Danielle as she followed him up the stairs.
The top of the stairs had some weird panel and an open doorway so they went into the next room, where there was nothing but a black chest.
"What with the chest?"
"Who the what?" said the chest, making all three of them stare at it. "Someone's out there? About damn time, bitches! I've been locked up in here for about…a thousand years or some shit."
"A talking chest?" asked Goombella, raising an eyebrow. "That doesn't make sense."
"I show you who makes sense!" yelled the chest. "I'm going to get out of this chest and pop a cap in yo ass before railroading it bitches!"
"And now you think that since the chest is painted black, you're black," said Danielle, rolling her eyes. "That is such a racist stereotype."
"Bite my nuts, cracker! Anyway, what you doing here?"
"We're trying to get to the next room but there's a puzzle blocking the way we can't get across," said Danielle, shrugging. "Anything you know about that?"
"Uh, Danielle, can we really trust a clearly black chest about something as vital as our mission for the Thousand Year Door?" asked Frankly, before he realized what he said and banged his head against the wall. "Why did I say that?"
"Thousand Year Door, son? Oh hell no! I don't want to be mixed in with some shit like that. I would like to get out though so if you could find the key, that'd be all good."
Frankly noticed something. "Hey, this isn't even a black chest! It's spray painted black! You can see the dirty ass grey on the back!"
"Bitch, don't you be pointing out that gray! I'm as black as I can be! Just find that key and I might drop some rewards on ya."
"Oh, like this?" said Goombella, holding out a key.
"Where'd you find that?"
"It was just outside the door. I left to find it when you were insulting each other."
Taking the key, Frankly smirked. "Ha! Even the key is spray painted black!"
Danielle opened the chest and the voice inside answered. "Oh hell yes! Oh, for helping me, you're getting cursed bitch!"
Danielle suddenly found herself separated from the others and was now alone in a purple with black spotted universe, the voice the only thing with her. She growled. "Hell no, you stupid black wannabe spirit that probably just saw some gangster rappers and figured it would be cool to copy them. You limped dicked fucking bastard ass can't just curse me!"
"Too bad, just did bitch!" Danielle was suddenly hit with a series of white flashes and the voice seemed pretty smug now. "Ha! I hit you with a motherfucking curse! From now on, when you see some pedestals with an airplane symbol on it, you get to sprout wings!"
Danielle blinked, not sure if the voice was retarded or just stupid. "Oh no…don't do that…"
"Hell yeah! Have fun sprouting wings from yo back, bitch. Now I gotta run. Have to run into Snoop Chomp and get some weed by possessing his ass."
The purple and black universe folded like paper and vanished, leaving Danielle exactly where she had been with Goombella and Frankly.
"Danielle!" shouted Goombella as soon as she saw her, "where were you! You just vanished!"
"The spirit pulled me into another dimension and cursed me, apparently. Strangely, everything was purple with black spots."
"Oh great, does that mean you'll be peeing diamonds or something stupid like that?" asked Frankly.
"No, I'll apparently grow wings in specific locations," said Danielle, rolling her eyes.
"Wow," said Goombella, looking concerned but also annoyed. "What was that guy's problem, anyway?"
"No clue, but he's off to possess Snoop Chomp, so we should just keep going."
Right outside the room with the now empty chest, there was a platform with a strange symbol on it. "Huh, never really saw this symbol before. Professor?"
"Are you kidding? I stay inside even more than you do. What makes you think I would have seen something like this myself? Still, it looks like an airplane pedestal, or something. If we could glide from here, we could get to the far doorway across this courtyard thing and continue. But what are the odds of us being able to glide?"
The moment Danielle stepped onto the pedestal, it started to glow and the two Goombas instantly looked at her expectantly. She finally sighed. "Fine. Let's see if I can get this curse to work."
It didn't take long before she activated the power she had just received and huge eagle like wings burst out of Danielle's back, somehow able to go through her shirt at the same time.
"Did that hurt?" asked Goombella, wincing at the horrible noise that had come with it.
"Excruciatingly," said Danielle, wincing at the horrible pain. "You know what it feels like to take a huge dump, well, it was like that only with my back instead of my ass, and with more pain."
"Ouch," said both Goombas with her.
"Yeah, grab on."
With both Goombas holding onto her, Danielle couldn't really fly as much as glide from the upper platform onto the lower one that held the way forward. The moment they landed, the wings retracted into Danielle's back with another horrible schlinking noise and she winced again.
"Are you alright?"
"You know the feeling of taking a huge dump out your back instead of your ass with more pain and then the dump goes shooting into your back again? DO YOU THINK I FEEL ALRIGHT?"
"Hey!" yelled out Frankly, looking into the next room. "I think the Thousand Year Door is up ahead! Let's go you two!"
Danielle sighed angrily as she followed. "The moment I tire of you, Frankly, I'm throwing you into the mouth of a dragon. Just you wait, you bastard."
The next room didn't look too special other than a circular pedestal in the center of the room with a huge set of double doors that was about twenty feet tall. The doors themselves were red, glowing with power and almost pulsating as if to a large heartbeat.
The moment he saw it, Frankly ran toward the doors. "YES! FINALLY, I CAN SHOW THOSE UPSTARTS AT THE UNIVERSITY THAT I AM GOOD AT MY JOB! COME ON YOU STUPID DOOR, OPEN!" he instantly started pounding on the door, trying to tug it open.
Goombella had her head in her hands as she looked embarrassed. "Professor, you said that it would take the Crystal Stars to open the door, remember?" She sighed when she saw Frankly ignore her as he tried to bite the door open. "This is ridiculous."
Both of them watched Frankly with a combination of amusement and mortification before he finally gave up, rubbing his sore jaw. "Damn it. I thought that would work."
"You thought biting a thousand year old door that's about twenty feet tall would open it?"
"Shut up."
Goombella rolled her eyes and pointed at the pedestal in front of the door. "I take it that's where Danielle has to stand with the map."
"Anyone could figure that out," said Frankly, glaring at her. "So, let's get this over with. Danielle, stand on the pedestal with the map held out. It should reveal the location of the first Crystal Star."
"I'm going to die, aren't I?"
"Well, maybe, hopefully, yes."
"Okay then," said Danielle as she didn't hesitate at all as she stood on top of the pedestal and held the map out above her head. When she did, the map and the pedestal itself started glowing. If you've played the games, you know exactly what happened so I shouldn't have to explain it and if you haven't played the game, then what are you doing reading this?
With the short ritual over, the map had changed slightly, showing where they had to go. To the east of Rogueport, the map now showed a castle that had one main tower while two smaller ones to the side that were bent at angles…hope that's just the artist's rendition and not what the actual castle looks like! It didn't look safe at all!
"Well, what do you know," said Frankly, looking at the map. "We need to get back to my place and I'll study this more. Let's go!"
XXXXXX
"Wow, we got here fast," said Danielle, now standing in Frankly's house with him and Goombella, waiting for the elderly professor to tell them his findings. "I hate jump cuts."
"Too bad, you'll be in for a lot of them!" cried out Frankly as he gestured toward the map. "This map is leading to a place called Petal Meadows, a grassy field far to the east of Rogueport."
"Of course, the first level is always a fucking grass level," muttered Danielle, rolling her eyes. "The castle there doesn't really look like that, does it? With those leaning towers?"
"Fuck if I know," said Frankly, shrugging. "Always thought that place was odd. Everyone from there just seems so happy and cheerful all the time. It's just weird."
"Oh, by the way professor," said Goombella, getting his attention, "just remembered that we're also looking for Princess Peach. She probably got herself kidnapped again but she was last seen here in Rogueport. You haven't seen her, have you?"
"Princess Peach? What would she be doing in some idiotic ghetto like this? I mean yeah, I saw her but she left soon after that."
"She wasn't blowing her nose with the map, was she?" asked Danielle, looking at it a bit warily now.
"She was blowing her nose with something," said Frankly, looking uninterested in the conversation. "Said she had something to mail but had to finish wiping her nose with it first." Danielle looked disgusted. "Told her that Petal Meadows had some weird people running around and she might have gone off to investigate. Who knows, really?"
"How do we get to Petal Meadows, professor?"
"Just go down into the sewers again and you'll find a warp pipe that will get you there eventually. Oh, and I just remembered that along with the ritual to get the star to appear on the map, it's possible that Danielle here can perform a special move!"
Danielle and Goombella looked at him like he was crazier than they thought he was. "Right," said Danielle, slowly, "a special move. Well, let's get going Goombella-"
"NO! WE HAVE TO TEST THIS SPECIAL MOVE!"
"RUN GOOMBELLA!"
"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
Running out of the house, grabbing the map on the way out, they propped the still fallen door over the frame and slammed it shut, keeping Frankly from following them. "Well, that was stupid. Getting a special move for just holding a piece of paper in front of a door? Yeah, right."
"I know, it does sound stupid," said Goombella, shaking her head.
Danielle nodded and they made their way back to the warp pipe to get to the sewers. On the way there, however, Danielle frowned and looked at a gate guard near Frankly's house, preventing anyone from getting to the most eastern part of town. She was going to ignore it when a bandit came flying out of nowhere and crashed into her, sending them both to the ground.
"Ha!" yelled the gate guard, "that'll show you to try and get past me!"
Danielle pushed the bandit off of her and got back to her feet, glaring at the guard with fire in her eyes. "You made the WRONG move by sending this retard at me! I'll kill you!"
The guard (Gus) snorted as he leaned on his spear. "Yeah right. Get lost Cracker, I would flatten you and make you my bitch."
"Oh HELL NO! You did not just call me that! Why don't you come over here and show me what you got you limp dicked spear chucker!"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"
"You heard what I said, spear chucker. You look like the stupid aborted baby of Oprah and Big Bird from Sesame Street and tried to go ghetto. Tell me how many Clubbas had to bash your head with their clubs to get your face like that as they should have kept going until you were actually worth looking at."
"That's it! Get over here and I'll kick your ass, you red headed slut of a Cracker!"
"Bring it spear chucker!"
"Danielle!" yelled Goombella, grabbing Danielle and pushing her toward the warp pipe to the underground, "just let it go."
"Hell no! I have to teach this retarded ass twated spear chucker what it means to go up against me!"
"Say that one more time, I dare you!"
"LIMPED DICKED SPEAR CHUCKER! SPEAR CHUCKER…!"
She was forced to trail off when Goombella pushed her down the warp pipe before following herself, leaving Gus the guard to roll his eyes, relaxing his grip on his spear.
Back down in the sewers/old city ruins, Danielle grumbled as they followed the path to the east, looking for the warp pipe to take them to Petal Meadows.
"So, you didn't actually mean all of that stuff, right?" asked Goombella as they walked, getting Danielle's attention. "All of those things you called the guard up there?"
Danielle snorted. "He just pissed me off. One of the things I truly hate are gate guards though. Stupid people trying to prevent me from going somewhere and demanding a fine just to get past…"
"What was with the whole 'Cracker' thing though? Never heard of it, to be honest."
With a sigh, Danielle explained. "Okay, so you know that Germans are called 'Krauts', the French are called 'Frogs' and the Chinese are called 'Chinks'? Well, standard European and American white people are 'Crackers' and even though I don't care too much, that guy up there was asking for it. It's a bit of a dated term today, though, so I doubt too many people still remember things like that."
"Sounds like my college campus would love you," said Goombella, sarcastically.
"Ha, ha," Danielle deadpanned. "We BOTH know that college students and faculty are too politically correct for their own good. They would have a field day with words like those, just because I might call an Italian a 'Wop'."
They finally reached the end of the line where the only things around them were a few platforms rising out of the salt water in the area. There was also a white tentacle looking thing sticking out of the water near them but Danielle didn't care.
"Looks like there's a leak and salt water got in here. Yeah, that's a biohazard in a sewer. No telling what kind of sea creatures might be down here." She looked at Danielle. "So, what's up with you and the gate guard thing?"
"I just think that they're stupid stuck up jerk-asses that take advantage of people," said Danielle, getting angry. "I mean, come on! 'Ooh, I work for someone that wants to charge everyone for using this tollbooth or some shit and I don't care who I charge.' Makes me sick!" Calming down slightly, she looked at the warp pipe on one of the platforms. "I take it that that is the right pipe?"
"Looks like it." Goombella noticed too late that Danielle was about to jump into the water. "Wait, stop!"
Too late, Danielle jumped into the water, only to be forced out when a fish with sharp shark-like teeth bit her and forced her out of the water. -1 HP!
"Yeah, this region's water seemingly always have piranha plant fish called Nibbles that force a point of health from you if you fall in."
"Son of a Bitch!" In anger and frustration, Danielle pulled out her hammer and smashed the white tentacle thing, making something cry out in pain.
"Bloop! Bloooop! Bloop, bloop!" (OUCH! That hurt!")
With an almighty splash, a huge Blooper rose out of the water, glaring down at them.
Battle Mode Start!
Danielle
HP: 7/10
FP: 5/5
Goombella
HP: 10/10
Vs.
Blooper
"Oh great, it's one of those things that Mario/I have turned into an endangered species…by killing tons of them," said Danielle, rolling her eyes at it.
The Blooper was on the ceiling, glaring down at them from where he sat. "Bloop! Bloop, bloop, bloop! Bloooooop!" (Damn that hurt! Oh look, new friends! I always like helping others!")
Goombella paled at seeing the Blooper. "Danielle, that's a Blooper!"
"I know, duh."
"No, I took a class on translating other languages and Blooper was one of them! Though I got a C- in that class, I think I can tell you what it's saying."
"Oh, and what did it say, I am dying to know," said Danielle, deadpanned.
"It said it's going to rape us both!"
Danielle blinked before glaring at the Blooper. "Seriously! You're going to die you stupid idiotic son of Squidward!"
"Bloop! Bloopity bloooop! Blooooop bloop!" (Wait! I'm not like all those other Bloopers! Sex scares me!")
"It just said it's going to grab us and force its tentacles up our asses!"
"Oh hell no! Prepare to die! Goombella, do your Tattle shit!"
"Right. This is a Blooper, as if you couldn't have figured that out by now. These things live for one thing and one thing only, penetration. Its HP is twelve, attack is one and defense is zero. Just kill it before it does weird hentai stuff to us! Oh, and the two tentacles that are trying to get us both have three HP."
"Good, now die!" Danielle did a standard jump attack and did two damage to the left tentacle, making the Blooper wince at the pain.
"Bloop! Bloooop bloop bloop! Bloooooop!" (Hey! All I wanted was to make a new friend! Take this then!")
The already injured tentacle tried to attack Danielle but a quick counter attack defeated the tentacle. The other tentacle tried to attack Goombella but all she did was block, reducing the damage to zero.
"Okay, seriously, you are going to learn to counterattack if it is the last thing I do," said Danielle, annoyed as she took her turn of doing another standard jump attack on the other tentacle.
"Yeah, yeah," muttered Goombella as a headbonk finished off the other one.
With both tentacles defeated, the Blooper fell to the ground, unable to move and skipping his turn.
"Ha! Eat this you Japanese lunch/porn star!" Danielle used the Power Smash badge to use two flower points to do two extra points of damage, dealing four instead of two and dropping the Blooper's HP to eight.
"When did you get the Power Smash badge?"
"Swiped it from Frankly's house when he wasn't looking." Danielle looked pretty smug at that. "Like to see him use two flower points to boost the attack of his hammer. Oh, wait, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE! HA!"
"I want to yell at you, but that was one of the smartest things I've seen you do so far," said Goombella as she headbonked the Blooper, dropping it to six HP.
Now that it was the Blooper's turn, he got back up and floated up before unleashing an ink attack on Danielle, forcing her to block the move with a disgusted look on her face.
"Gross, I can't tell if this is ink or an ink/piss combination! Die already!" Danielle used another Power Smash and dropped the Blooper another four HP to only two. "Finish it off Goombella!"
"No problem with that!" A simple Headbonk and the Blooper was defeated.
End Battle Mode.
The Blooper looked bad before it died. "BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" (I JUST WANTED FRIENDS!" It then exploded, leaving two moving platforms allowing Danielle and Goombella access to the warp pipe.
Goombella shook her head. "It said that it just wanted our sweet virgin asses before it died! That's just sick!"
"That's a Blooper for you," said Danielle, snorting as they jumped toward the warp pipe. "By the way, how long do you think it should take to get to Petal Meadows from here via warp pipe?"
"Oh, uh, about…three hours, maybe."
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCC~"
Danielle and Goombella are on their way to Petal Meadows and the long Prologue is finally over. Will they reach the castle on the map and retrieve the Crystal Star? Only time will tell.