Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyers, while I'm just teasing and bending them for a bit. No profit is being collected from the fiction contained within.
Muskrat Love, lyrics by Willis Alan Ramsey
The storyline has women loving women, if this kind of love scares you, well darling turn around and go back the other way.
All language boo boos, whether it is in grammar or spelling or other miscues they lie at my feet, oh I could blame MS Word but heck fire that would be just silly.
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So there I am, minding my own business, searching for some chocolate to buy for my sweetheart, you know cause it's the big heart day and well it's fifty percent off. I'm thinking nothing says lovin like getting some overly priced chocolate at a discount rate. Not to say I'm cheap, okay maybe it does but hey I'm on a tight budget and well my sweetheart doesn't eat chocolate so in reality I'm buying for me. So while I'm tripping down the aisle and I do mean that literally, because I'm like one of those people who can stumble over nothing. Which I was doing cause the soles of my shoes are like sticking to the waxy build up on store's floor. Anyway as I'm stumbling along this gawd awful song starts streaming through my brain.
Muskrat, muskrat candlelight
Doin' the town and doin' it right
In the evenin'
It's pretty pleasin'
Now I'm blaming this aberration of freakiness on the musak that was being pumped into the elevator I had been on earlier. You know, the instrumental tunes that make the cells in your brain start to atrophy. I'm pretty sure it's a karma thing because I ditched Alice while she was occupied with helping Rosalie find something slinky and sexy for Emmett. Personally, I just don't see, and really don't want to see, the big dude pulling off a peek a boo nightie but with Rosalie and Emmett who knows. Maybe being married for nearly seventy years you gotta do different things to keep the juices flowing. Whoa, so didn't want to go there. Yet, even with that picture I still can't chase the song out of my head.
Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
And Sammy's so skinny
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin' and jingin' the jango
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love
I mean for pity sake it's Valentines Day not Ground Hogs day. Sure the two days are in the same month, but jeez one's for checking out shadows and the other's for checking out goodies. I don't need or want the image of dancing rodents getting down and funky running through my mind. I mean really that's just weird and wrong and sooo National Geographic. I've got enough wild life to deal with what with Jacob going all wolf on me, that I don't need rodents in my head, when I've got Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom in my own backyard.
Nibbling on bacon, chewin' on cheese
Sammy says to Susie "Honey, would you please be my missus?"
And she say yes
With her kisses
And now he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes
As they wriggle, and Sue starts to giggle
All I wanted to do was buy some chocolate; I mean that's what you do on Valentine's Day. Okay you can buy flowers but they just don't taste as nummy and they die after a few days, unless you're Martha friggin Stewart. I've gotta tell ya rodents doing the nasty is just so off putting especially when Marlin Perkins voice is in the background given a detailed account. Then a strange thought pops into my mind, all right another strange thought, maybe muskrats are like chocolate for vampires. Perhaps this is some sort of subliminal suggestion thing, you know it being Valentine's Day and I should be thinking about getting my sweetie something, instead just me drooling over chocolates. Nah, that can't be it. The nasty song is just in my head because of the damn musak that attacked me in the elevator.
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin' and jingin' the jango
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love
Shaking my head, trying to dislodge the tortuous tune, I hear a giggle and I'm thinking that's sooo not a part of the song. Not only is the giggle not a part of the song, it's friggin irritating. Looking around I see this naked little man with copper bed head hair, first eww, second damn he has wings and third the little freak is carrying bow and arrows. Not just your regular arrows, oh no, these things have like crimson tips and the damn bow is Pepto Bismol pink for gawd sake. I never liked Pepto Bismol, nasty chalky mint flavored pink things my mom use to pretend was candy so I'd take them when I had a tummy ache. Anyways forgetting about the tummy pills, I'm beginning to wonder what exactly was in that Java Jolt Jive I bought from that overly priced coffee shop. Of course, I've only myself to blame for allowing Alice, a vampire to select my drink, considering her favorite is drink is Elk.
Yet, before I can ponder about what was laced in my coffee, the naked shrimp had one of those smarmy crooked ass smiles on his face. The kind of smile that a man thinks is sooo damn sexy and irresistible to women when in reality it's just irritating like hemorrhoids. Then little bastard starts cocking his Pepto Bismol pink bow with a red tipped arrow and I squeal in terror because he's aiming that thing at me. As my flight response kicks in, I knock over a heavy heart display filled with various chocolate cherry cordials, which are nasty by the way, and send it crashing. A mini scream overlaps mine but it doesn't stop me I just keep going because the fear of being skewered by a tiny prick for out weighs my curiosity.
As I go running out of the store, I hear someone yell, "great googly bear someone's squished cupid with a heart and he's got a love dart up his ass."
Actually, I'm not running out of the store, I sailing and when I say sailing, I mean flying because being so graceful I've managed to trip over nothing and I've taken flight. I'm not ashamed to admit it I let loose a screech that could peel paint off a car but hey I became terrified when everything went dark.
"Bella, sweetie."
Ooh an angel and she knows my name. I've died and I've gone to heaven. Shows you how much Lauren knows as I let out a raspberry in my mind towards the biggest bitch at school.
"Wake up honey it was only a dream."
Struggling, I open my eyes and blink like a twenty times because once wasn't enough and well then I think I got kind of in a loop, because my sleep riddled brain wasn't really connecting with what I was seeing as reality. Hovering before me was a beautiful smiling pixie who was gently stroking her cool fingers across my cheek. Immediately, I thought this is what cupid should look like everyone would be standing in line to be shot by her.
Without even thinking, not really hard for me at the moment as most of my brain cells were still encased in dreamland, I leaned up kissed the pink lips that were smiling so sweetly at me.
Oh boy, oh wow, that's no Pepto Bismol pink taste for sure, this is more of a strawberry dipped in rich deep dark luscious chocolate that makes your eyes roll back and your mouth water wanting more, kind of taste. Apparently, my angel is thinking the same thing cause she's purring like a kitty lapping up cream.
A high-pitched shriek of horror interrupts that sweet kiss and my mind screams, NO!. The delicious lips of my angel are gone. My eyes pop open and there is no blinking this time. The beautiful angel is no longer in front of me and I find myself staring at bed head cupid. Eww! Then slowly the rest of my brain cells begin to kick in and I realize its Edward not cupid and I still think eww, gross.
"Bella, stop!" He cries out. Running his fingers through his overdone pompadour hair causing it to perk out in odd directions.
As I stare at him, I suddenly get the image of muskrat Sammy, maybe it's his hair or his movements or perhaps the song has atrophied parts of my brain. Cause now that I think about it, I don't even know what a muskrat looks like or more importantly why someone would want to write a song about them being in love. I chase the thought away and open my mouth to respond but I've got nothing so I close it back up and just continued to stare at him as he drama queens around in my bedroom.
Feeling a cool firm weight next to me, I see Alice is sitting next me with a bemused expression on her absolutely adorable pixie face. She doesn't bring forth any images of muskrats, no siree, not at all. Her raven locks are also spiked out but on her, it looks perfect, not manic.
"Edward, why are you here?" Alice doesn't ask she sings softly out to him. Her fingers are now interlaced with mine.
"To purpose to Bella, of course," he stated pausing in his antics staring at the both of us as if we've lost our minds. "And stop this nonsense between you two."
"Again?" We both ask our disbelief is echoed in our voices.
We're both looking at him, knowing he's lost his mind. This is like the third time he's asked since we saved his diamond-encrusted ass from the Volturi.
"Ah, but Bella if you marry me I promise to change you into a vampire, no matter how much it appalls me to do so, to prove my love for you is better then Alice's," giving me that smarmy ass crooked smile that yes, I admit had charmed me for awhile.
"Ooh, really," I ooze out sarcastically. "Sooo if I want you to change me, I've got to marry you. Yeah, that's a no. First, I don't love you and second how could someone who says they love me, try and blackmail me into marriage. That's just sick."
"Go away Edward," my Alice chimed in. "It was humorous the first two times but now it's just annoying."
That's when it hits me like a truck, no wait a train, why I had the stupid song in my head and why I had the strange dream. The song, for some ungodly reason, is one of the ones that Edward would to sing to me when he would stay the night.
"But, but…" he sputters out staring at us. "No, if I can't be with you then I shall present myself to the public so the Volturi can kill me."
He huffs out towards us and stands there waiting and waiting, while I'm waiting for him to his ass out of my bedroom so I can get back to my Valentine's day kissing, but oh my delightful angel doesn't wait. She just leans over and latches those sweets lips on to mine and I forget all about Edward and go into a different Valentine's Day dream.