Orlando Bloop - The Pranks and Bloopers of Orlando Bloom
Fire Angel
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Obviously, the people in this don't belong to me… though I wish Orli did… :o)
…anyway, like I always say, they're real people and belong to no one but themselves (and their
agents, girlfriends, wives or managers, but that's beside the point) and themselves. :o) By the
way, fans of anyone I make stupid, deal with it! It's fanfiction, for crying out loud, and this
is humour… therefore meaning I make everybody look stupid - even me! (Well… maybe I don't here,
but I do usually). Anyway, the three movies here… I've only seen two of them (because the other
doesn't even exist… I'll explain that in a minute…). If this is popular enough, once I've seen
some of his other movies, I might do a sequel. The speech for Black Hawk Down is not exactly
accurate for the movie version, but for the book by Mark Bowden, so don't e-mail me saying "it's
wrong, it's wrong!". By the way… duh, the title of this is a play on words of Orli's name… Bloom,
Bloop, haha how funny is that. Not that it is really. Thanks to Imladris Forums for the
transcript of Fellowship of the Ring on their site; it helped me decide on some bits to do. And a
warning: this does contain spoilers. By the way, I know that they probably didn't ACTUALLY crash
a Black Hawk… but it makes for humour. As for Chequered Past - it is only a RUMOR!!! (and that
comes from the mouths of Orli and Atti themselves). It is, according to them, not really in
production, but it made for a funny blooper anyway, so I decided to use the concept I heard on an
Internet site and take it with that. Poor Orli (unless, of course, he enjoyed it… hah, read on
and see what I mean). Haha. Anyway, this is getting long, so enjoy this, read and review, flame
me if you think I've made someone look stupid (but see above first, because I'll just ignore you)
and please please please e-mail me at rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com :ob I might write a second
one if I get enough requests, once I've seen some of the other movies. I love comments, please
send them to me! Catch yaz, luv Fire Angel, Goddess of Fire.
Orlando Bloop
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
The actors are sitting in a circle around a small podium holding the Ring. This is Hugo Weaving's
(Elrond) council. Sean Bean (Boromir) is trying to convince the council to let his country use
the Ring for their own purposes. Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn/Strider) says heatedly, "You cannot
wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."
"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir snaps back.
Orlando Bloom (Legolas) leaps to his feet. "This is no mere ranger," he informs Boromir. "He is
Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."
"Aragorn?" Boromir asks in surprise. "This… is Isildur's heir?"
"And heir to the throne of Gondor," Legolas replies smugly.
"Havo dad, Legolas," Aragorn says quietly in Elvish. The foreign words mean, 'Sit down, Legolas'.
But they have no effect on the elf, who stands and looks at Aragorn blankly. Aragorn clears his
throat and repeats the words.
"Yes, I have a father!" Legolas explodes. "His name is Thranduil, and he is the king of…" he
pauses as everyone cracks up laughing.
"It's Elvish, O.B.," Director Peter Jackson giggles from offset. "He was telling you to sit
down."
Legolas sinks back into his seat. "Oops," he says sheepishly, "I forgot."
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On the set of Black Hawk Down
Director Ridley Scott watches tersely as Ron Eldard's (Chief Warrant Officer Mike Durant)
helicopter spins out of control, having been hit by the gunfire. He can only afford to shoot this
scene once. Any screw ups, and they'd need another helicopter, which they almost certainly
couldn't afford.
"Going in hard!" Durant shouts into his radio. "Going down! Raaaay!" The crash-landing is
perfect. Dust flies everywhere, and several cameras catch every possible angle of the copter.
Then Durant's voice is heard once again. "And what the fuck is Blackburn doing?"
Ridley Scott slaps his hand to his forehead. Orlando Bloom (Private First Class Todd Blackburn)
is sitting calmly nearby the wreckage, smoking a cigarette.
"You're DEAD, Orlando!" Ridley yells.
Orlando looks up at the director, and is eyes widen. "Shit," he says matter-of-factly, gets to
his feet, and starts to run.
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On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE ONE-
Orlando Bloom (Lance) and André Schneider (Quentin) are only inches apart, and moving closer.
"Quentin," Lance whispers huskily, eagerly breathing in the smell of his lover of two years.
Quentin just smiles tenderly in response.
They move closer, so their lips are practically touching, only a tiny gap between them. Quentin
moves to close the gap, but…
"Aaah!" Lance shrieks, leaping away.
Quentin grins. "I knew you'd chicken out," he informs the other man.
Director Mark Mylod moves onto the set, laughing. "If you need a bit of time to prepare yourself,
Orlando…" he offers.
Lance shakes his head vigorously. "I'll be fine."
"Okay," Mark replies, walking back offset. He signals to the cameramen to begin.
-END OF TAKE ONE-
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Elrond and Sir Ian McKellen (Gandalf) are in Elrond's study, deep in conversation. "Gandalf,"
says Elrond, "the enemy is moving. Sauron's forces are amassing in the east - his eye is fixed on
Rivendell. And Saruman you tell me has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin."
As the two talk, Legolas prepares for his entry onto the set, along with John Rhys-Davies (Gimli)
and Boromir. The other men are staring at him in awe. Winking and holding a finger to his lips,
he tucks a pack of cigarettes into the breast pocket of his costume.
Elrond speaks again. "Gandalf, the ring cannot stay here." The three actors move into the
camera's view as he continues, "This peril belongs to…" and stops dead, staring down at Orlando.
Orlando chokes back a laugh as the camera looks him up and down. Black tuxedo, black cape, black
top-hat, even the little white mask that's associated with Tuxedo Kamen from Sailor Moon. He
smiles and removes the pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and opens it, pulling out a little
cigarette made to look like a rose. Still smiling, he throws it at Elrond. "I am Tuxedo Legolas!"
he announces, "and I am here to save you from the peril of the One Ring!"
"And how, pray tell, do you plan to do that?" asks Gandalf, amused.
"That," replies Orlando, "is the part I hadn't decided on yet!"
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Boromir is mock fighting with Dominic Monaghan (Merry) and Billy Boyd (Pippin) when Sean Astin
(Sam) looks up into the sky, asking, "What is that?"
Everything stops, and the Company look up into the sky. "Nothing," Gimli reassures them, "it's
just a whiff of cloud."
"It's moving fast…" Boromir says doubtfully, "…against the wind."
Legolas is the first to realise what the objects in the sky are. He opens his mouth and declares
fearfully, "Those bird-things from that weird land!" Everyone looks at him, and he says, "Look, I
forgot, okay? Geez, give the guy a break."
"They're called Crebain," says Gandalf quietly. "Crebain from Dunland."
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On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE TWO-
"Quentin," Lance whispers, his husky voice filled with twice the longing that it was before.
The two men move closer and closer, and Lance's breathing quickens, but with excitement or
nervousness? No one is entirely sure. The men close their eyes, still moving closer. Their lips
touch…
"Fucking hell!" Lance yells, pulling away again. "This is WRONG!"
Quentin raises an eyebrow. "You seemed happy enough to kiss Viggo at the Lord of the Rings
premiere."
"Yeah but that was on the cheek! I wasn't going for a full-on snog, you know?! All right," he
says, seemingly calmer. "I'll be all right. Really," he insists when Mark raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, let's try this again," sighs the director. "Really, O.B., you're too much."
-END OF TAKE TWO-
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
After Boromir's death, Legolas is shoving a boat into the Anduin, knowing that Sam and Frodo have
already crossed to the other side and are on their way to Mordor.
"Hurry!" he tells Aragorn. "Sam and Frodo have reached the Eastern shore." Aragorn looks at him
and starts to shake with suppressed laughter. "You mean not to… what the hell are you laughing
at?" Legolas demands.
Aragorn bursts into a fit of giggles. Gimli looks at Legolas and then starts to laugh also.
"Look. At. Your. Hair," the dwarf gasps.
Legolas leans over and looks into the river. His blonde wig has slipped back on his head,
revealing a brown Mohawk underneath. He raises and eyebrow. "It's not that funny," he whines. He
looks back at the man and dwarf. "Sometimes I wonder why I work with you guys," he sighs, shaking
his head. The wig falls off and lands, -splash-, in the water. "Oh for crying out loud!" he
yells, as his co-stars crack up all over again.
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On the set of Black Hawk Down
Private First Class Todd Blackburn is in the mess hall, about to pile some food onto his plate,
when D-boy Eric Bana (Sergeant First Class Norm Hooten) pushes rudely in front of him.
"Excuse me," Blackburn points out politely, "this is a line."
"So?" Hooten asks, obviously uncaring.
"This isn't the back of it," Blackburn says icily. Hooten shrugs his shoulders, and Blackburn
screams, "Basically, the point I'm trying to make is: don't fucking push in! I'm starving!"
Hooten stares at the young Ranger as the latter's cheeks begin to redden.
"Orlando, are you tired?" Ridley Scott asks, looking concernedly at the young actor.
"No, I'm just hungry, and that food looks so delicious," Blackburn whines. "And Eric keeps
pushing in…"
"He's supposed to push in," Josh Hartnett (Sergeant Matt Eversmann) reminds Blackburn from
offset. "It's part of the scene."
"And the more you stuff this up, the longer you'll have to wait for food," Hooten chimes in.
"All right, all right," Blackburn sighs, "let's just get this over with so I can eat." As
everyone gets back in their positions, he mutters, "For some reason I am just aching to do the
part where I get to fall out of the helicopter and never come into the movie again."
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Legolas walks past the cameras, and whips an arrow out of his quiver, fitting it to the string
and loosing. The arrow hits a target. He grins and winks at the camera. "Target practice," he
says quietly. Then, glancing around to make sure no one is looking, he takes two steps towards
the camera and lifts his tunic to reveal his belly. He points his sun tattoo at the camera and
then lowers the tunic, moving away with a finger to his lips. He pokes his tongue out quickly.
Peter Jackson walks into the camera's view, and suddenly Legolas is whistling innocently,
shooting at the target as if he'd been doing it all along. The cameraman cracks up laughing.
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On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE THREE-
"Quentin," Lance whispers, breathless. For a bit of added effect, he places his hand on his
lover's cheek as they move closer together.
This time, the kiss seems to go without a hitch. The cameramen watch, hiding snickers behind
their hands, as the two men get more and more passionate, their arms snaking around each other,
clutching at each other.
But suddenly Lance shrieks, dancing away with a hand to his mouth in horror. Quentin cracks up
laughing, but no one else seems to understand what is going on. "I knew that would get you,
O.B.," Quentin informs Lance.
"I need a drink," Lance croaks to one of the cameramen, who hands him a bottle of water. He downs
it all in one swig, and then asks for another. Gulping half of it down, he says, "You bitch,
Atti," to Quentin, who just winks knowingly in reply. Lance shudders and turns away as Mark walks
up to him.
"What did he do?" the director asks.
"He stuck his tongue down my throat," Lance gasps, as Quentin cracks up laughing again. This
time, the director joins him, however the cameramen groan, nauseous.
"I couldn't resist," Quentin smiles, "because he's just so damn cute. It's not often one gets the
opportunity to kiss their best friend. I thought I might make the most of it."
"Look, André," Mark sighs, "I know about your bisexual preferences and all… but you might just
have to try and tone it down a little." Quentin starts to pout and the director hurriedly
continues, "Remember that Orlando may not be enjoying this as much as you."
"Fine. Let's do this again." Lance looks at Quentin nervously. "Don't worry," the younger man
assures Lance, "I won't do it again."
-END OF TAKE THREE-
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On the set of Black Hawk Down
John Isaacs (Captain Mike Steele) looks at Sergeant First Class Norm Hooten, and realises the
latter's rifle has the safety switched off. Tapping Hooten on the shoulder, he quietly points it
out. Ridley Scott watches, wondering where the hell Orlando is (he's supposed to be in the
background of the scene). Hooten raises an eyebrow, and then his index finger. He wiggles the
index finger at the captain.
"This is my safe," he informs Steele smugly.
Before they can continue, a wild war-whoop fills the air, and suddenly the actors are covered in
a huge white sheet.
"What the hell?" Ridley Scott asks, moving into the shot. He can hear Hooten and Steele yelling
at someone.
"Look Eric," says an English voice, "I didn't realise you were shooting. Sorry."
"You apologise a bloody lot, don't you?!" Hooten yells.
The sheet, which Ridley Scott realises is a parachute, is lifted up to reveal Orlando. The
parachute is strapped to him. "I went sky diving out of one of the Hawks," the actor grins.
Ridley Scott rolls his eyes. "And I thought Russell Crowe was bad!"
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Elijah Wood (Frodo) is practising a scene with Gandalf. "It's a riddle," Frodo points out. "Speak
'friend'… and enter. What's the Elvish word for friend?"
"Mellon," says Gandalf.
Orlando, who is watching nearby with Liv Tyler (Arwen), cracks up laughing. The two actors turn
to look at him in surprise. Gandalf raises a shaggy eyebrow. "Sorry," Orlando grins, "but it's
really kinda funny."
"What's so funny?" Frodo asks, knowing that Orlando's next sentence will be either funny or so
completely not funny that it really is actually funny.
"Mellon, right? Friend?"
"Duh, Mister 'I'm so fluent in Elvish but I don't even know the word for friend," Frodo says
sarcastically.
"Well," Orlando puts his arm around Liv and gestures towards her breasts. "These are melons. And
they…" he pauses to duck a slap from Liv, who has guessed already what he's going to say, "…are
my friends."
"That's it, Orli. You're dead," Liv says, getting to her feet, amongst laughs from Gandalf and
Frodo. She looks at them harshly. "I don't know why you're laughing," she snaps, before chasing
after the fleeing Orlando.
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
It is night. Frodo looks up at Cate Blanchett (Galadriel). He holds his hand out to her, showing
her the Ring (in the movie, he says telepathically, 'if you ask it of me, I will give you the One
Ring').
"You offer it to me freely," says Galadriel. "I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired
this." She places her hand over the Ring. "In place OF A DARK LORD, YOU WILL HAVE A QUEEN! NOT
DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE
FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND… Orlando, what the hell are you doing here?"
"Look," Orlando says, scowling. "I'm in quite a bit of this film, right, so I'm filming, what,
twenty-four-seven most of the time? Could you keep it down? I WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP, Miss
Treacherous as the Sea."
Galadriel raises an eyebrow.
"We'll do this scene later, O.B.," says Peter Jackson from offset.
Orlando smiles. "Thanks."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Frodo is quickly fleeing from the Company, Sam is looking for him, and the rest of the Company is
fighting Uruk-hai.
"Find the Halfling! Find the Halfling!" yells Jay Laga'aia (Lurtz).
Aragorn leaps at, what, on the movie screen, would be the Uruk-hai, shouting, "Elendil!"
Legolas and Gimli run up to join him. Gimli lands an axe-blow on the Uruks, but Legolas is having
trouble reaching his quiver, which seems to be tilted on its side. As he struggles to reach it,
he cries, "Aragorn! Go!"
Gimli stops and stares at Legolas. "Having trouble?" he asks, amused.
Legolas glowers at him, and reaches once more, finally pulling out a… red rose. He raises an
eyebrow. "All right," he says finally, "I suppose this is to get me back for the Tuxedo Mask
joke."
"Go for it, Tuxedo!" Gimli grins, batting his eyelashes. Peter Jackson, offset, is in hysterics.
Legolas fits the rose onto his bow and shoots it, and the rose hits the target, immediately
blowing up and showering him with water.
"Let's redo it," he says, sighing in annoyance.
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On the set of Black Hawk Down
"Man down, WE NEED TO EXTRACT HIM ASAP!" Sergeant Matt Eversmann yells into his radio.
The guys on the other end of the line start telling him to calm down, but he ignores them and
looks at Private First Class Todd Blackburn. The poor guy had been so anxious to get in on the
battle… and the first thing he did was fall out of the fricking bird that was taking them to
their destination. Blood gushes from Blackburn's nose, ears and mouth as Eversmann bends over
him, looking him over.
Suddenly a long arm snakes around Eversmann's neck, and he is pulled down, screeching, into
Blackburn's grip. Then, instants later, he pulls away. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" he screams at
Blackburn before running offset, as the Private sits up, grinning. He swipes at his face to wipe
away some of the fake blood.
"You said you missed kissing the girl!" he calls after Eversmann. "So I thought I might try and
fill the gap for you!"
"What the hell did you do?" Ridley Scott asks, looking directly at Blackburn. The director's face
is ghost white.
The younger man cracks up. "It was just a quick peck on the lips!" he pouts. "It wasn't like, a
full-on snog or anything!"
"Eww!" yells Sergeant First Class Norm Hooten. He starts running around in little circles,
yelling repeatedly, "That's GROSS!"
"We hardly touched," Blackburn says, rolling his eyes. "And you call ME immature, Mr. Aah-he-
kissed-another-guy-so-that-makes-him-a-gay-and-let's-all-suddenly-freak-out-now-even-though-it's-
not-necessary. Geez, give the guy a break. It was just a bit of fun."
"For you maybe," says Eversmann, coming back with a bottle of drink. He gargles some and spits it
onto the dirt ground, and splashes some onto his face before drinking the rest. Blackburn
chuckles.
"Can we do this scene again?" Ridley asks, getting impatient. He looks at his watch. "Only a few
hours of daylight left. Without the kissing this time please, Orlando."
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On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE FOUR-
"Quentin," Lance breathes, trying not to sound too frustrated. He shivers, but inwardly grins
impishly, knowing that the shudder looks like suppressed emotion. He nervously moves closer to
his lover of two years, hoping that Quentin won't try to gag him with his tongue like he did
before. Ah, he promised, he reassures himself.
Their lips touch, and the kiss, as scripted, gets more and more passionate. Lance's feeling of
nervousness is growing and growing, but the kiss passes without a hitch and Quentin pulls away,
smiling contentedly.
"YES!" Lance screeches, pumping his fist in the air. "YES!"
"What are you so happy about?" Quentin asks, bemused.
"We finally did it without screwing up!" Lance cries, and starts to dance around Quentin in a
circle, whooping for joy.
"O.B., I've got something to tell you, and you're not gonna like it," Mark says quietly.
Lance stops dead and looks at the director. "What?" he asks acidly, his usually warm voice cold
and bitter.
"Well… you ruined the take by jumping around and pumping your fist in the air," Mark sighs. "We
hadn't cut the film. You pulled away from him and pumped your fist instantaneously. There is no
way we'll be able to cut it from the scene."
Lance drops to the ground, wailing. "What did I do to deserve this?" He looks up at Quentin,
who's grinning. "Don't you look at me like that," he tells the younger man. "Just because you
enjoy it."
"You're right," says Quentin, "I do."
-END OF TAKE FOUR-
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
The Company is inside the tomb at Moria, and Gandalf is browsing through the diary left by the
dwarves. Legolas says urgently to Aragorn, "We must move on, we cannot linger!"
As Gandalf continues to read, Pippin touches an arrow embedded in a large corpse, causing the
entire corpse, along with a large chain and bucket, to fall down a large hole. Noise after noise
shakes the room as Pippin winces, waiting for it to end. He breathes a sigh of relief, and then,
-clang-, there is one final crash.
The Company stares at him, and Gandalf opens his mouth to yell, but then Legolas jogs over and
says, "Dude, that was amazing!" He claps Pippin on the back, making the hobbit stumble and trip
down the hole. His scream echoes the entire way down, and this time it is Legolas' turn to wince.
He smiles sheepishly as Gandalf glowers at him. "Fubar," he mutters, backing away from the older
actor.
"Fubar?" Frodo.
"Fucked up beyond all recognition," Legolas replies tersely, before screaming, "Move outta the
way, Bill! I'm coming down after ya!"
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On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE FIVE-
"Quentin," sighs Lance, practically falling into the arms of his true love. Their faces move
closer and closer, this time with Lance knowing that he will be able to get through it - as long
as Quentin doesn't do anything unexpected, that is.
Their lips touch. Lance feels Quentin's hand rest on his ass, but he ignores it somehow and
continues the scene. He decides that Quentin just wants to film the scene as many times as
possible. Shaking off that thought, he focuses on something else. Anything else, as long as he
doesn't have to think about the fact he's kissing another man.
Finally they pull away from each other, and Mark yells, "Good job boys!" Seeing Lance pause, the
director adds, "Yes, the filming has stopped. You can jump around as much as you like."
Lance starts to leap into the air, but is stopped by Quentin, who grabs his friend and kisses him
again, tongue and all. Lance tears himself away, looking in horror at Quentin. "Dude," he says.
"This is wrong. Why did I ever agree to do this movie? Aahhhh… man, no way. Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong…"
-END OF TAKE FIVE-
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On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Arwen and Aragorn are standing in a garden, over a bridge. They are talking in quiet voices.
"Renech i beth i pennen?" Arwen asks, meaning 'do you remember what I told you?'.
"You said that you'd bind yourself to me," Aragorn says, "forsaking the immortal life of your
people."
"And to that I…"
"Arwen! Do not speak!" a male voice orders. Aragorn looks up in surprise as Legolas strolls onto
the bridge. Arwen runs to the Elf and throws her arms around his slim waist.
"What in the…" Aragorn draws his sword and steps towards, Legolas, but Arwen holds her arms out
to stop him.
"Oh Aragorn, I am sorry," she says, looking at the ground, "but I have fallen in love with this
gallant Elf, and I shall never again love another."
Aragorn moves another step closer, his sword still drawn. With hands that move faster than light,
Legolas loads an arrow onto his bow and pulls the string taught. "You will die before your stroke
can fall," he warns the man.
Aragorn backs off, and Arwen sighs, "Oh Legolas, I give my heart to you and you only!" They kiss,
and then the three of them crack up laughing.
"What is going on here?" Peter Jackson asks furiously.
"Sorry Pete," Legolas grins. "You know I've been lobbying for a love scene between the two elves
for, what… forever? Viggo and Liv said they'd help me with my plan." When Peter rolls his eyes,
Legolas says, "It was good though… wasn't it? Pete?"
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At the BAFTA Awards
Orlando Bloom walks out onto centre stage and to the microphone, waiting for the applause from
the last award to die down. When it finally does, he starts to talk about the Best Actor Award.
He goes on and on about the excellent quality of competition in the award, how the nominated
actors are only the best. "And the nominees are…"
He looks at the little slip of paper that tells him who the nominees are, and rolls his eyes.
Deciding to add a little humour to the situation, he smiles brightly. "Orlando Bloom… Orlando
Bloom… Orlando Bloom… Orlando Bloom and Orlando Bloom."
The audience laughs as he pretends to open the envelope. "And the winner is… Orlando Bloom!"
He dashes offstage and into the audience, and sits down next to Elijah Wood. Then he gets to his
feet with a look of surprise, and holding a hand to his chest, mouths, "Who? Me?" at the camera,
hugs his co-stars and then stumbles up to the stage in a state of joy. He pretends to accept the
award, and then says, "This is surreal. Really. Wow, this is cool. Uhh… I guess really, the only
person I actually have to say thankyou to… is me. I'm the one that does all the acting, I'm the
one that earned my roles, and I'm the one that had to break ribs, fall out of helicopters and
snog other men to do it. So thankyou to me!"
After that, he proceeds to read out the real nominees.
Unfortunately, this stint (AN: which never actually existed because he actually presented the
award for best original screenplay, and besides, Elijah wasn't there) was cut from the TV
version.
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On the set of Black Hawk Down
"Well I'm gonna kick some ass," Private First Class Todd Blackburn declares artfully, before
looking at the seat where Ewan McGregor (Grimes) had been sitting beforehand, and saying, "Who
the hell are you?!"
"I just thought I'd let you know," says the girl sitting in the chair, as she places her feet on
the desk. "I'm the author."
"Oh, so you're the one that makes me do all this stupid stuff," Blackburn says. "Thanks a bunch.
Do you have a name?"
"Fire Angel," she replies, smiling. "I control all your actions here. Everything."
"God, this could get worrying," he sighs. "Wait… did I even say that of my own free will, or did
you make me?"
"That you will never know," Fire Angel smirks.
"Oh, thankyou, by the way, for making Atti stick his tongue down my throat!" Blackburn yells.
"You know he wanted to do it anyway," Fire Angel says, grinning. "Just like you really want to
dress up in a tuxedo and throw roses around. Don't worry, everyone has a vice."
Blackburn pauses, and then says, "I'm waiting for you to make me say you're cute."
"And I'm waiting for you to realise that I'm not quite that sad," Fire Angel replies tartly.
"Hey! Don't get nasty with me! You're the one making me say these things… I think. Shit, this is
confusing."
"I know," Fire Angel smiles contentedly and closes her eyes, leaning back in the chair. Then she
leans forward and types something into the computer, and suddenly Blackburn is Orlando again,
wearing black jeans and no shirt.
"Oh, how come I knew you'd do that?" he asks.
"You didn't. You just think you did, because I made you think that you knew when you really
didn't know and you're just imagining things. This is all a figment of your imagination."
"Then who are you?"
"In this world? I'm the Goddess of Fire. I control everything. This is like another dimension. In
this dimension, I am the Master. Or Mistress. Whatever. Fire Angel. And hey, at least I haven't
made you say I'm cute yet."
"That's true… I'm very confused."
"That's the point."
Orlando frowns. "Okay then, just a small question. How does this come into a Pranks and Bloopers
category?"
"It doesn't."
"Right. And how the hell does that work?"
"We've had this discussion. This is my dimension. I control EVERYTHING! I am the Mistress, the
Angel, the Goddess of Fire. Flame. Fire Angel. Remember it."
"I'll remember," Orlando sighs. "How can I not? You'll make me."
"Mmm," Fire Angel agrees. She looks at her watch and frowns. "Damn, I'm out of time… or pages. I
kinda promised myself I wouldn't write any more than nine-and-a-half pages… and this is getting
out of hand anyway."
"So I can go back home now?"
"Yeah," she says dismissively, waving her hand. "Until I decide I need you for something."
"Cool. It was nice meeting you." He pauses. "Did I actually mean that or did you make me say it?"
"No one knows," she admits. "This dimension is a mix of free will and destiny… and destiny is
written by Flame… and I am Flame… it's one of my many names," she tells him, upon being greeted
by a look of utter confusion. "Maybe you thought it was nice meeting me by your own free will, or
maybe it was destined. Hell, I am Flame and I don't know. My friend Satan's Angel is better at
sorting these things out. I'll ask her next time."
"All right. So we will meet again?"
"Don't dread the day too much, Elf Boy. Goodbye now."
"Bye."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Fire Angel
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Obviously, the people in this don't belong to me… though I wish Orli did… :o)
…anyway, like I always say, they're real people and belong to no one but themselves (and their
agents, girlfriends, wives or managers, but that's beside the point) and themselves. :o) By the
way, fans of anyone I make stupid, deal with it! It's fanfiction, for crying out loud, and this
is humour… therefore meaning I make everybody look stupid - even me! (Well… maybe I don't here,
but I do usually). Anyway, the three movies here… I've only seen two of them (because the other
doesn't even exist… I'll explain that in a minute…). If this is popular enough, once I've seen
some of his other movies, I might do a sequel. The speech for Black Hawk Down is not exactly
accurate for the movie version, but for the book by Mark Bowden, so don't e-mail me saying "it's
wrong, it's wrong!". By the way… duh, the title of this is a play on words of Orli's name… Bloom,
Bloop, haha how funny is that. Not that it is really. Thanks to Imladris Forums for the
transcript of Fellowship of the Ring on their site; it helped me decide on some bits to do. And a
warning: this does contain spoilers. By the way, I know that they probably didn't ACTUALLY crash
a Black Hawk… but it makes for humour. As for Chequered Past - it is only a RUMOR!!! (and that
comes from the mouths of Orli and Atti themselves). It is, according to them, not really in
production, but it made for a funny blooper anyway, so I decided to use the concept I heard on an
Internet site and take it with that. Poor Orli (unless, of course, he enjoyed it… hah, read on
and see what I mean). Haha. Anyway, this is getting long, so enjoy this, read and review, flame
me if you think I've made someone look stupid (but see above first, because I'll just ignore you)
and please please please e-mail me at rinoa_heartilly86@hotmail.com :ob I might write a second
one if I get enough requests, once I've seen some of the other movies. I love comments, please
send them to me! Catch yaz, luv Fire Angel, Goddess of Fire.
Orlando Bloop
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
The actors are sitting in a circle around a small podium holding the Ring. This is Hugo Weaving's
(Elrond) council. Sean Bean (Boromir) is trying to convince the council to let his country use
the Ring for their own purposes. Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn/Strider) says heatedly, "You cannot
wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."
"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir snaps back.
Orlando Bloom (Legolas) leaps to his feet. "This is no mere ranger," he informs Boromir. "He is
Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."
"Aragorn?" Boromir asks in surprise. "This… is Isildur's heir?"
"And heir to the throne of Gondor," Legolas replies smugly.
"Havo dad, Legolas," Aragorn says quietly in Elvish. The foreign words mean, 'Sit down, Legolas'.
But they have no effect on the elf, who stands and looks at Aragorn blankly. Aragorn clears his
throat and repeats the words.
"Yes, I have a father!" Legolas explodes. "His name is Thranduil, and he is the king of…" he
pauses as everyone cracks up laughing.
"It's Elvish, O.B.," Director Peter Jackson giggles from offset. "He was telling you to sit
down."
Legolas sinks back into his seat. "Oops," he says sheepishly, "I forgot."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Black Hawk Down
Director Ridley Scott watches tersely as Ron Eldard's (Chief Warrant Officer Mike Durant)
helicopter spins out of control, having been hit by the gunfire. He can only afford to shoot this
scene once. Any screw ups, and they'd need another helicopter, which they almost certainly
couldn't afford.
"Going in hard!" Durant shouts into his radio. "Going down! Raaaay!" The crash-landing is
perfect. Dust flies everywhere, and several cameras catch every possible angle of the copter.
Then Durant's voice is heard once again. "And what the fuck is Blackburn doing?"
Ridley Scott slaps his hand to his forehead. Orlando Bloom (Private First Class Todd Blackburn)
is sitting calmly nearby the wreckage, smoking a cigarette.
"You're DEAD, Orlando!" Ridley yells.
Orlando looks up at the director, and is eyes widen. "Shit," he says matter-of-factly, gets to
his feet, and starts to run.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE ONE-
Orlando Bloom (Lance) and André Schneider (Quentin) are only inches apart, and moving closer.
"Quentin," Lance whispers huskily, eagerly breathing in the smell of his lover of two years.
Quentin just smiles tenderly in response.
They move closer, so their lips are practically touching, only a tiny gap between them. Quentin
moves to close the gap, but…
"Aaah!" Lance shrieks, leaping away.
Quentin grins. "I knew you'd chicken out," he informs the other man.
Director Mark Mylod moves onto the set, laughing. "If you need a bit of time to prepare yourself,
Orlando…" he offers.
Lance shakes his head vigorously. "I'll be fine."
"Okay," Mark replies, walking back offset. He signals to the cameramen to begin.
-END OF TAKE ONE-
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Elrond and Sir Ian McKellen (Gandalf) are in Elrond's study, deep in conversation. "Gandalf,"
says Elrond, "the enemy is moving. Sauron's forces are amassing in the east - his eye is fixed on
Rivendell. And Saruman you tell me has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin."
As the two talk, Legolas prepares for his entry onto the set, along with John Rhys-Davies (Gimli)
and Boromir. The other men are staring at him in awe. Winking and holding a finger to his lips,
he tucks a pack of cigarettes into the breast pocket of his costume.
Elrond speaks again. "Gandalf, the ring cannot stay here." The three actors move into the
camera's view as he continues, "This peril belongs to…" and stops dead, staring down at Orlando.
Orlando chokes back a laugh as the camera looks him up and down. Black tuxedo, black cape, black
top-hat, even the little white mask that's associated with Tuxedo Kamen from Sailor Moon. He
smiles and removes the pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and opens it, pulling out a little
cigarette made to look like a rose. Still smiling, he throws it at Elrond. "I am Tuxedo Legolas!"
he announces, "and I am here to save you from the peril of the One Ring!"
"And how, pray tell, do you plan to do that?" asks Gandalf, amused.
"That," replies Orlando, "is the part I hadn't decided on yet!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Boromir is mock fighting with Dominic Monaghan (Merry) and Billy Boyd (Pippin) when Sean Astin
(Sam) looks up into the sky, asking, "What is that?"
Everything stops, and the Company look up into the sky. "Nothing," Gimli reassures them, "it's
just a whiff of cloud."
"It's moving fast…" Boromir says doubtfully, "…against the wind."
Legolas is the first to realise what the objects in the sky are. He opens his mouth and declares
fearfully, "Those bird-things from that weird land!" Everyone looks at him, and he says, "Look, I
forgot, okay? Geez, give the guy a break."
"They're called Crebain," says Gandalf quietly. "Crebain from Dunland."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE TWO-
"Quentin," Lance whispers, his husky voice filled with twice the longing that it was before.
The two men move closer and closer, and Lance's breathing quickens, but with excitement or
nervousness? No one is entirely sure. The men close their eyes, still moving closer. Their lips
touch…
"Fucking hell!" Lance yells, pulling away again. "This is WRONG!"
Quentin raises an eyebrow. "You seemed happy enough to kiss Viggo at the Lord of the Rings
premiere."
"Yeah but that was on the cheek! I wasn't going for a full-on snog, you know?! All right," he
says, seemingly calmer. "I'll be all right. Really," he insists when Mark raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, let's try this again," sighs the director. "Really, O.B., you're too much."
-END OF TAKE TWO-
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
After Boromir's death, Legolas is shoving a boat into the Anduin, knowing that Sam and Frodo have
already crossed to the other side and are on their way to Mordor.
"Hurry!" he tells Aragorn. "Sam and Frodo have reached the Eastern shore." Aragorn looks at him
and starts to shake with suppressed laughter. "You mean not to… what the hell are you laughing
at?" Legolas demands.
Aragorn bursts into a fit of giggles. Gimli looks at Legolas and then starts to laugh also.
"Look. At. Your. Hair," the dwarf gasps.
Legolas leans over and looks into the river. His blonde wig has slipped back on his head,
revealing a brown Mohawk underneath. He raises and eyebrow. "It's not that funny," he whines. He
looks back at the man and dwarf. "Sometimes I wonder why I work with you guys," he sighs, shaking
his head. The wig falls off and lands, -splash-, in the water. "Oh for crying out loud!" he
yells, as his co-stars crack up all over again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Black Hawk Down
Private First Class Todd Blackburn is in the mess hall, about to pile some food onto his plate,
when D-boy Eric Bana (Sergeant First Class Norm Hooten) pushes rudely in front of him.
"Excuse me," Blackburn points out politely, "this is a line."
"So?" Hooten asks, obviously uncaring.
"This isn't the back of it," Blackburn says icily. Hooten shrugs his shoulders, and Blackburn
screams, "Basically, the point I'm trying to make is: don't fucking push in! I'm starving!"
Hooten stares at the young Ranger as the latter's cheeks begin to redden.
"Orlando, are you tired?" Ridley Scott asks, looking concernedly at the young actor.
"No, I'm just hungry, and that food looks so delicious," Blackburn whines. "And Eric keeps
pushing in…"
"He's supposed to push in," Josh Hartnett (Sergeant Matt Eversmann) reminds Blackburn from
offset. "It's part of the scene."
"And the more you stuff this up, the longer you'll have to wait for food," Hooten chimes in.
"All right, all right," Blackburn sighs, "let's just get this over with so I can eat." As
everyone gets back in their positions, he mutters, "For some reason I am just aching to do the
part where I get to fall out of the helicopter and never come into the movie again."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Legolas walks past the cameras, and whips an arrow out of his quiver, fitting it to the string
and loosing. The arrow hits a target. He grins and winks at the camera. "Target practice," he
says quietly. Then, glancing around to make sure no one is looking, he takes two steps towards
the camera and lifts his tunic to reveal his belly. He points his sun tattoo at the camera and
then lowers the tunic, moving away with a finger to his lips. He pokes his tongue out quickly.
Peter Jackson walks into the camera's view, and suddenly Legolas is whistling innocently,
shooting at the target as if he'd been doing it all along. The cameraman cracks up laughing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE THREE-
"Quentin," Lance whispers, breathless. For a bit of added effect, he places his hand on his
lover's cheek as they move closer together.
This time, the kiss seems to go without a hitch. The cameramen watch, hiding snickers behind
their hands, as the two men get more and more passionate, their arms snaking around each other,
clutching at each other.
But suddenly Lance shrieks, dancing away with a hand to his mouth in horror. Quentin cracks up
laughing, but no one else seems to understand what is going on. "I knew that would get you,
O.B.," Quentin informs Lance.
"I need a drink," Lance croaks to one of the cameramen, who hands him a bottle of water. He downs
it all in one swig, and then asks for another. Gulping half of it down, he says, "You bitch,
Atti," to Quentin, who just winks knowingly in reply. Lance shudders and turns away as Mark walks
up to him.
"What did he do?" the director asks.
"He stuck his tongue down my throat," Lance gasps, as Quentin cracks up laughing again. This
time, the director joins him, however the cameramen groan, nauseous.
"I couldn't resist," Quentin smiles, "because he's just so damn cute. It's not often one gets the
opportunity to kiss their best friend. I thought I might make the most of it."
"Look, André," Mark sighs, "I know about your bisexual preferences and all… but you might just
have to try and tone it down a little." Quentin starts to pout and the director hurriedly
continues, "Remember that Orlando may not be enjoying this as much as you."
"Fine. Let's do this again." Lance looks at Quentin nervously. "Don't worry," the younger man
assures Lance, "I won't do it again."
-END OF TAKE THREE-
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Black Hawk Down
John Isaacs (Captain Mike Steele) looks at Sergeant First Class Norm Hooten, and realises the
latter's rifle has the safety switched off. Tapping Hooten on the shoulder, he quietly points it
out. Ridley Scott watches, wondering where the hell Orlando is (he's supposed to be in the
background of the scene). Hooten raises an eyebrow, and then his index finger. He wiggles the
index finger at the captain.
"This is my safe," he informs Steele smugly.
Before they can continue, a wild war-whoop fills the air, and suddenly the actors are covered in
a huge white sheet.
"What the hell?" Ridley Scott asks, moving into the shot. He can hear Hooten and Steele yelling
at someone.
"Look Eric," says an English voice, "I didn't realise you were shooting. Sorry."
"You apologise a bloody lot, don't you?!" Hooten yells.
The sheet, which Ridley Scott realises is a parachute, is lifted up to reveal Orlando. The
parachute is strapped to him. "I went sky diving out of one of the Hawks," the actor grins.
Ridley Scott rolls his eyes. "And I thought Russell Crowe was bad!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Elijah Wood (Frodo) is practising a scene with Gandalf. "It's a riddle," Frodo points out. "Speak
'friend'… and enter. What's the Elvish word for friend?"
"Mellon," says Gandalf.
Orlando, who is watching nearby with Liv Tyler (Arwen), cracks up laughing. The two actors turn
to look at him in surprise. Gandalf raises a shaggy eyebrow. "Sorry," Orlando grins, "but it's
really kinda funny."
"What's so funny?" Frodo asks, knowing that Orlando's next sentence will be either funny or so
completely not funny that it really is actually funny.
"Mellon, right? Friend?"
"Duh, Mister 'I'm so fluent in Elvish but I don't even know the word for friend," Frodo says
sarcastically.
"Well," Orlando puts his arm around Liv and gestures towards her breasts. "These are melons. And
they…" he pauses to duck a slap from Liv, who has guessed already what he's going to say, "…are
my friends."
"That's it, Orli. You're dead," Liv says, getting to her feet, amongst laughs from Gandalf and
Frodo. She looks at them harshly. "I don't know why you're laughing," she snaps, before chasing
after the fleeing Orlando.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
It is night. Frodo looks up at Cate Blanchett (Galadriel). He holds his hand out to her, showing
her the Ring (in the movie, he says telepathically, 'if you ask it of me, I will give you the One
Ring').
"You offer it to me freely," says Galadriel. "I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired
this." She places her hand over the Ring. "In place OF A DARK LORD, YOU WILL HAVE A QUEEN! NOT
DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE
FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND… Orlando, what the hell are you doing here?"
"Look," Orlando says, scowling. "I'm in quite a bit of this film, right, so I'm filming, what,
twenty-four-seven most of the time? Could you keep it down? I WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP, Miss
Treacherous as the Sea."
Galadriel raises an eyebrow.
"We'll do this scene later, O.B.," says Peter Jackson from offset.
Orlando smiles. "Thanks."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Frodo is quickly fleeing from the Company, Sam is looking for him, and the rest of the Company is
fighting Uruk-hai.
"Find the Halfling! Find the Halfling!" yells Jay Laga'aia (Lurtz).
Aragorn leaps at, what, on the movie screen, would be the Uruk-hai, shouting, "Elendil!"
Legolas and Gimli run up to join him. Gimli lands an axe-blow on the Uruks, but Legolas is having
trouble reaching his quiver, which seems to be tilted on its side. As he struggles to reach it,
he cries, "Aragorn! Go!"
Gimli stops and stares at Legolas. "Having trouble?" he asks, amused.
Legolas glowers at him, and reaches once more, finally pulling out a… red rose. He raises an
eyebrow. "All right," he says finally, "I suppose this is to get me back for the Tuxedo Mask
joke."
"Go for it, Tuxedo!" Gimli grins, batting his eyelashes. Peter Jackson, offset, is in hysterics.
Legolas fits the rose onto his bow and shoots it, and the rose hits the target, immediately
blowing up and showering him with water.
"Let's redo it," he says, sighing in annoyance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Black Hawk Down
"Man down, WE NEED TO EXTRACT HIM ASAP!" Sergeant Matt Eversmann yells into his radio.
The guys on the other end of the line start telling him to calm down, but he ignores them and
looks at Private First Class Todd Blackburn. The poor guy had been so anxious to get in on the
battle… and the first thing he did was fall out of the fricking bird that was taking them to
their destination. Blood gushes from Blackburn's nose, ears and mouth as Eversmann bends over
him, looking him over.
Suddenly a long arm snakes around Eversmann's neck, and he is pulled down, screeching, into
Blackburn's grip. Then, instants later, he pulls away. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" he screams at
Blackburn before running offset, as the Private sits up, grinning. He swipes at his face to wipe
away some of the fake blood.
"You said you missed kissing the girl!" he calls after Eversmann. "So I thought I might try and
fill the gap for you!"
"What the hell did you do?" Ridley Scott asks, looking directly at Blackburn. The director's face
is ghost white.
The younger man cracks up. "It was just a quick peck on the lips!" he pouts. "It wasn't like, a
full-on snog or anything!"
"Eww!" yells Sergeant First Class Norm Hooten. He starts running around in little circles,
yelling repeatedly, "That's GROSS!"
"We hardly touched," Blackburn says, rolling his eyes. "And you call ME immature, Mr. Aah-he-
kissed-another-guy-so-that-makes-him-a-gay-and-let's-all-suddenly-freak-out-now-even-though-it's-
not-necessary. Geez, give the guy a break. It was just a bit of fun."
"For you maybe," says Eversmann, coming back with a bottle of drink. He gargles some and spits it
onto the dirt ground, and splashes some onto his face before drinking the rest. Blackburn
chuckles.
"Can we do this scene again?" Ridley asks, getting impatient. He looks at his watch. "Only a few
hours of daylight left. Without the kissing this time please, Orlando."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE FOUR-
"Quentin," Lance breathes, trying not to sound too frustrated. He shivers, but inwardly grins
impishly, knowing that the shudder looks like suppressed emotion. He nervously moves closer to
his lover of two years, hoping that Quentin won't try to gag him with his tongue like he did
before. Ah, he promised, he reassures himself.
Their lips touch, and the kiss, as scripted, gets more and more passionate. Lance's feeling of
nervousness is growing and growing, but the kiss passes without a hitch and Quentin pulls away,
smiling contentedly.
"YES!" Lance screeches, pumping his fist in the air. "YES!"
"What are you so happy about?" Quentin asks, bemused.
"We finally did it without screwing up!" Lance cries, and starts to dance around Quentin in a
circle, whooping for joy.
"O.B., I've got something to tell you, and you're not gonna like it," Mark says quietly.
Lance stops dead and looks at the director. "What?" he asks acidly, his usually warm voice cold
and bitter.
"Well… you ruined the take by jumping around and pumping your fist in the air," Mark sighs. "We
hadn't cut the film. You pulled away from him and pumped your fist instantaneously. There is no
way we'll be able to cut it from the scene."
Lance drops to the ground, wailing. "What did I do to deserve this?" He looks up at Quentin,
who's grinning. "Don't you look at me like that," he tells the younger man. "Just because you
enjoy it."
"You're right," says Quentin, "I do."
-END OF TAKE FOUR-
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
The Company is inside the tomb at Moria, and Gandalf is browsing through the diary left by the
dwarves. Legolas says urgently to Aragorn, "We must move on, we cannot linger!"
As Gandalf continues to read, Pippin touches an arrow embedded in a large corpse, causing the
entire corpse, along with a large chain and bucket, to fall down a large hole. Noise after noise
shakes the room as Pippin winces, waiting for it to end. He breathes a sigh of relief, and then,
-clang-, there is one final crash.
The Company stares at him, and Gandalf opens his mouth to yell, but then Legolas jogs over and
says, "Dude, that was amazing!" He claps Pippin on the back, making the hobbit stumble and trip
down the hole. His scream echoes the entire way down, and this time it is Legolas' turn to wince.
He smiles sheepishly as Gandalf glowers at him. "Fubar," he mutters, backing away from the older
actor.
"Fubar?" Frodo.
"Fucked up beyond all recognition," Legolas replies tersely, before screaming, "Move outta the
way, Bill! I'm coming down after ya!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Chequered Past
-TAKE FIVE-
"Quentin," sighs Lance, practically falling into the arms of his true love. Their faces move
closer and closer, this time with Lance knowing that he will be able to get through it - as long
as Quentin doesn't do anything unexpected, that is.
Their lips touch. Lance feels Quentin's hand rest on his ass, but he ignores it somehow and
continues the scene. He decides that Quentin just wants to film the scene as many times as
possible. Shaking off that thought, he focuses on something else. Anything else, as long as he
doesn't have to think about the fact he's kissing another man.
Finally they pull away from each other, and Mark yells, "Good job boys!" Seeing Lance pause, the
director adds, "Yes, the filming has stopped. You can jump around as much as you like."
Lance starts to leap into the air, but is stopped by Quentin, who grabs his friend and kisses him
again, tongue and all. Lance tears himself away, looking in horror at Quentin. "Dude," he says.
"This is wrong. Why did I ever agree to do this movie? Aahhhh… man, no way. Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong…"
-END OF TAKE FIVE-
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of The Fellowship of the Ring
Arwen and Aragorn are standing in a garden, over a bridge. They are talking in quiet voices.
"Renech i beth i pennen?" Arwen asks, meaning 'do you remember what I told you?'.
"You said that you'd bind yourself to me," Aragorn says, "forsaking the immortal life of your
people."
"And to that I…"
"Arwen! Do not speak!" a male voice orders. Aragorn looks up in surprise as Legolas strolls onto
the bridge. Arwen runs to the Elf and throws her arms around his slim waist.
"What in the…" Aragorn draws his sword and steps towards, Legolas, but Arwen holds her arms out
to stop him.
"Oh Aragorn, I am sorry," she says, looking at the ground, "but I have fallen in love with this
gallant Elf, and I shall never again love another."
Aragorn moves another step closer, his sword still drawn. With hands that move faster than light,
Legolas loads an arrow onto his bow and pulls the string taught. "You will die before your stroke
can fall," he warns the man.
Aragorn backs off, and Arwen sighs, "Oh Legolas, I give my heart to you and you only!" They kiss,
and then the three of them crack up laughing.
"What is going on here?" Peter Jackson asks furiously.
"Sorry Pete," Legolas grins. "You know I've been lobbying for a love scene between the two elves
for, what… forever? Viggo and Liv said they'd help me with my plan." When Peter rolls his eyes,
Legolas says, "It was good though… wasn't it? Pete?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the BAFTA Awards
Orlando Bloom walks out onto centre stage and to the microphone, waiting for the applause from
the last award to die down. When it finally does, he starts to talk about the Best Actor Award.
He goes on and on about the excellent quality of competition in the award, how the nominated
actors are only the best. "And the nominees are…"
He looks at the little slip of paper that tells him who the nominees are, and rolls his eyes.
Deciding to add a little humour to the situation, he smiles brightly. "Orlando Bloom… Orlando
Bloom… Orlando Bloom… Orlando Bloom and Orlando Bloom."
The audience laughs as he pretends to open the envelope. "And the winner is… Orlando Bloom!"
He dashes offstage and into the audience, and sits down next to Elijah Wood. Then he gets to his
feet with a look of surprise, and holding a hand to his chest, mouths, "Who? Me?" at the camera,
hugs his co-stars and then stumbles up to the stage in a state of joy. He pretends to accept the
award, and then says, "This is surreal. Really. Wow, this is cool. Uhh… I guess really, the only
person I actually have to say thankyou to… is me. I'm the one that does all the acting, I'm the
one that earned my roles, and I'm the one that had to break ribs, fall out of helicopters and
snog other men to do it. So thankyou to me!"
After that, he proceeds to read out the real nominees.
Unfortunately, this stint (AN: which never actually existed because he actually presented the
award for best original screenplay, and besides, Elijah wasn't there) was cut from the TV
version.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set of Black Hawk Down
"Well I'm gonna kick some ass," Private First Class Todd Blackburn declares artfully, before
looking at the seat where Ewan McGregor (Grimes) had been sitting beforehand, and saying, "Who
the hell are you?!"
"I just thought I'd let you know," says the girl sitting in the chair, as she places her feet on
the desk. "I'm the author."
"Oh, so you're the one that makes me do all this stupid stuff," Blackburn says. "Thanks a bunch.
Do you have a name?"
"Fire Angel," she replies, smiling. "I control all your actions here. Everything."
"God, this could get worrying," he sighs. "Wait… did I even say that of my own free will, or did
you make me?"
"That you will never know," Fire Angel smirks.
"Oh, thankyou, by the way, for making Atti stick his tongue down my throat!" Blackburn yells.
"You know he wanted to do it anyway," Fire Angel says, grinning. "Just like you really want to
dress up in a tuxedo and throw roses around. Don't worry, everyone has a vice."
Blackburn pauses, and then says, "I'm waiting for you to make me say you're cute."
"And I'm waiting for you to realise that I'm not quite that sad," Fire Angel replies tartly.
"Hey! Don't get nasty with me! You're the one making me say these things… I think. Shit, this is
confusing."
"I know," Fire Angel smiles contentedly and closes her eyes, leaning back in the chair. Then she
leans forward and types something into the computer, and suddenly Blackburn is Orlando again,
wearing black jeans and no shirt.
"Oh, how come I knew you'd do that?" he asks.
"You didn't. You just think you did, because I made you think that you knew when you really
didn't know and you're just imagining things. This is all a figment of your imagination."
"Then who are you?"
"In this world? I'm the Goddess of Fire. I control everything. This is like another dimension. In
this dimension, I am the Master. Or Mistress. Whatever. Fire Angel. And hey, at least I haven't
made you say I'm cute yet."
"That's true… I'm very confused."
"That's the point."
Orlando frowns. "Okay then, just a small question. How does this come into a Pranks and Bloopers
category?"
"It doesn't."
"Right. And how the hell does that work?"
"We've had this discussion. This is my dimension. I control EVERYTHING! I am the Mistress, the
Angel, the Goddess of Fire. Flame. Fire Angel. Remember it."
"I'll remember," Orlando sighs. "How can I not? You'll make me."
"Mmm," Fire Angel agrees. She looks at her watch and frowns. "Damn, I'm out of time… or pages. I
kinda promised myself I wouldn't write any more than nine-and-a-half pages… and this is getting
out of hand anyway."
"So I can go back home now?"
"Yeah," she says dismissively, waving her hand. "Until I decide I need you for something."
"Cool. It was nice meeting you." He pauses. "Did I actually mean that or did you make me say it?"
"No one knows," she admits. "This dimension is a mix of free will and destiny… and destiny is
written by Flame… and I am Flame… it's one of my many names," she tells him, upon being greeted
by a look of utter confusion. "Maybe you thought it was nice meeting me by your own free will, or
maybe it was destined. Hell, I am Flame and I don't know. My friend Satan's Angel is better at
sorting these things out. I'll ask her next time."
"All right. So we will meet again?"
"Don't dread the day too much, Elf Boy. Goodbye now."
"Bye."
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