Craig Tucker is arguably one of the worst singers in South Park, and that's no exaggeration.
The thing is though; when you're in love, those little imperfections is what makes you love your partner so much more, which is why I've taken to listening out for it when I can.
He usually starts his daily sing-song in the shower. He doesn't listen to anything too heavy in the mornings, so it's usually something relaxing. This morning it was Come Together by the Beatles. Barely audible over the rushing water and the track playing in the background. He'll be humming this out of tune for the whole day too, and it'll drive him and the people he works with thoroughly crazy.
He'll do this thing where he won't remember half the lyrics and just sing the odd word or two, or maybe just the chorus. He mentioned his colleagues got so frustrated with the whole thing, he cut the wires of the work radio. I completely empathise.
The next time I got to hear him sing was this afternoon, where like clockwork, I bring him his afternoon coffee and a sweet snack or two. He's got an earphone in and I'm pretty sure he's not so silently mouthing along to Karma Police while he flicks through his papers and rocks.
Randy Marsh makes eye contact as I spot him with his head in his hands.
"Ugh," He groans. "Make him stop, will you?"
"Afternoon! You know, I'm sure you a-ask me this every time I come in."
"It's because he's always singing when you're due to come in. I think he does it to wind me up."
We glance over and I'm sure I saw him smirking as he caught our eye. I can always tell when he's listening. I slide a cookie towards Randy. This is why I always bring at least two.
"I'll see what I can do," I smile, as I make my way over to Craig. Lie.
We share a quick kiss as I place his drink on his desk. Yep. Radiohead. I can just about hear it now I'm close enough.
"What are you working on today?"
"Rock stuff."
"Helpful."
"Yup. Stan and those guys brought it round earlier. Some crazy story about aliens or something so I thought I'd check it out. There's always something in this town. Know why I like rocks? Because they're-"
"Shush," I press a finger to his lips. I've heard this story many times. He'll go on to say that it's because they're boring. Well, not strictly boring. That's a bad choice of word on my part. Just not crazy and unexpected, like the kind of shenanigans Stan gets up to. Craig likes his simple life, without crab people and giant guinea pigs and rocks happen to be very relatable to him.
This sentence I've cut off probably also ends with him talking smack about Stan, so it's probably better he stops now while he's around Randy.
"What time are you finishing today?"
"Around six, or so," he replies as he kisses the finger that's still at his lips. I smile and replace my finger with my own lips for a peck. Radiohead is still buzzing from his earphones.
"I'll get some things in for dinner tonight, I've gotta dash back to work."
He smiles and waves and pops his music back in his ears.
The next time I hear Craig singing, it's as he's cooking dinner.
"something something something , got to be free!"
He's singing while I've pottered into another room to get something. In fact, I'm sure he only sings when he doesn't think anyone can hear him.
"Come together! Right now, dee dee dee"
He stops singing when I walk back into the kitchen empty handed, completely forgetting what I went away for. Listening to him sing made me completely forget what I left the kitchen for.
This brings me to my favourite part of Craig singing.
Since I stopped drinking coffee, I've been going to bed earlier than I used to. It stops me being so twitchy all the time. I really should have listened to him ages ago when he said it would do me good.
After we finish our dinner and watching a movie, I give him a kiss and make my way to bed. He won't come up for another half hour or so, and that's what makes this plan so perfect.
I'm pretending to be asleep when he comes into the room. He throws his hat somewhere, takes off his clothes and crawls into bed. He presses up against me from behind, so close, wrapping one arm around me and his other hand in my hair.
"You've got a way to keep me on your side,"
Like clockwork, he starts singing. Quiet and whispering. Out of tune and barely even singing at all.
"You give me cause for love that I can't hide,"
My heart soars with love and I close my eyes in bliss. To anyone else, being subjected to his singing would be torture.
"For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide,"
His hands gently comb through my tangled hair. The roughness of his skin and the expression of our love in the form of a smooth ring on his finger creates a wonderful contrast. I try so hard not to shake; I don't think he'd do this every night if he realised I was awake for this.
"Because you're mine,"
He pulls me closer and lays gentle kisses on my cheek and neck, I try my best not to let my smile give it away. I can't wait to do this again tomorrow.
"I walk the line."