Relapse
It's been six months
There have been so many times that I've come close
But I haven't
Because of her
I promised her six months ago that I would never do it again
I broke that promise
I was alone and having a panic attack because I did something stupid
Again
And I remember looking at my desk
And seeing my scissors
And wanting to slowly drag those innocent, blue scissors across my skin
And to watch the blood build up
Just like my bad decisions
And I wanted to see the blood fall away
Along with those bad decisions
For the first time
I thought about suicide
When I took my bath
I pushed and dragged my razor across my thigh
I've never used a razor before
It wasn't deep
It will be healed soon
I doubt it will scar
But I fucking did it
And I hate myself for it
I put my head beneath the water
And I let my air start to run out
But breathing is an involuntary action
I gasped for air
And instead got water
I sat up, coughing like hell
I got out of the tub
And drained the water
Before I could do more
Than just
Relapse