A/N: Sooo … a few days ago, we were talking on Twitter about ideas for contests/ writing challenges, and one of the ideas was to use posts from the highly entertaining website Texts From Last Night. After browsing, there was one in particular that really made me giggle … and lawdy help me, I just could not resist.

(480): He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.

I do wholeheartedly apologize to any Southerners, or others, whose sensibilities I will SO offend with this, lol.

Trueblood Minisode: Pity Party At Merlotte's

Pam, Sookie, Tara & Laffayette

She pushes the pretty little breather ahead of her into the shifter's hick bar. She's yet to quit her pathetic sniffling and moaning, but at least she stopped with the whining after Pam had first flashed warning fangs at her. She might have been stuck chauffeuring around her master's latest flavor of the week, but that didn't mean she had to play nice.

Really, what the hell did everyone see in her? Certainly, Pam could appreciate the aesthetic appeal, but beyond that, she didn't really get it.

And now she was stuck on guard duty, until the Weres arrived to take over? There weren't enough shoes in the world to make up for this shit.

Depositing the sniveling mess into a barstool in front of the bar wench, she slinks over to a nearby booth to wait.

"What in the holy fuck happened to you, girl?"

"Well, hey, Tara! So good to see you, too."

Tara rolls her eyes with practiced skill while simultaneously pouring a stiff one and sliding it over so that it stops just short of Sookie's hand. Quite impressive, for a breather, anyways.

"So … you gonna tell me what's up witchu?"

Sookie slams the drink back and takes up an indignant pose, hand on hip, chin thrust out. Pam can practically hear the pout crackle in the tense air between them. "Bill's been kidnapped!"

All the bitch in Tara's face retreats.

Pity.

She leans over the bar and throws her arms around Sookie, whispering comfort and caressing caring.

And Sookie drinks that shit up.

"Oh, Tara! It was awful! I was so stupid! When I saw the ring, I just didn't know how to react … and—so—I just ran into the bathroom … and when I came out—" here Sookie whimpers, and then shakes her head before bracing herself to continue, "He was gone! Someone had been there and taken him while I was hiding in the bathroom like a—a—BABY!"

The sound of running snot does not amuse either Pam or Tara—not in the slightest.

But just about when Pam is wishing she possessed the human function of vomiting, so that she might be able to rid herself of the appalling taste in her mouth, there is a spark of hope for the general watchability of the show.

Pam's lips twitch with the promise of a smirk as she leans forward, just a smidgen, at the site of Tara's brow rising high into her forehead, and a general tightening of the bloodbag's features—sure signs there was a storm in the near forecast.

Tara grabs Sookie by the shoulders and pushes her back. "Hold up. What exactly makes you think yo' man was 'taken'?" The air quotes are of theatrical proportions. "How you know you didn't just piss him the fuck off an' he bounced?"

"Ugh! You're unbelievable, Tara!"

And with his trademark perfect timing, Lafayette Reynolds makes his entrance just as the decibel of the girls' screams reaches a level that promises hair pulling and scratching is about to commence.

" Y'all need to either go off to yo' own corners … or git yoself declawed. Shiiiit."

He sidles alongside Tara, pouring himself a shot and refilling both the girls' glasses. Giving each of them the once over, he leans back and fixes them with a smirk and a glare to match. "Didn't yo mama tell yous? Yous keep on frownin' too long n' it done gone freeze thata way?" He waves the hand with the drink for added emphasis. "Honey child, that shit be true fo' da lips between yo' thigh jus' like fo' those up high."

He knocks back the drink and goes for a refill, ignoring the girls' protests. "Lookit, I made y'all's mistake once."

"Did ya now?" Sookie sneers.

"Shit, yeah. Y'all be all hooked on one flavor, so's you got ta thinkin' there ain't no other taste out there that gonna hit that spot."

Both girls snicker, but Sookie is the one that speaks up again. "Laffayette, ya know I love ya … but that's gotta be the most fucked up outlook on love I've ever heard of."

He clucks his tongue at her. "Love? LOVE? Don't get yerself twisted, sugah." He pours himself another helping, and waves the glass at her menacingly. "Imma straighten yous out—but only cuz I loves ya. So, like I says … I got stuck on this dude once. Mmm mmm … that boy was a tall drink of pornalicious yum yum, I's talkin' supersize shit. An' you betta believe I took long, deep gulps of that man-slurpee. I mean fuck, gorged on that motherfuckah. I—"

"Yeah, okay, Laff. We get it. What happened?"

"Everythin' was peachy keen—till the bastard ran out on my ass. But did I mope around like you twos? All gnashin' yo' teef an' a-wailin' 'bout the end of the daaayumn world? Awww, haaails. No.

"That bitch move away- he ain't kill me. I done mourn his dick all of Sunday. But then, that night, that show came on. Y'know, the one with all the hot vamps n' shit? Yeah, it be like a sign from up above. Shoot, the dead sho' done go on livin' … they's be havin' a grand ol' time. Why shouldn't us?"

Pam rises to her feet and makes her way to the group. "Oh, I will just have to report back to my master that you found that silly little P.R. ploy so … helpful. I am sure he will be quite … well, pleased would a bit strong of a word. But certainly amused."

She enjoys the startled look on each of the three faces entirely too much, more than she would like to admit, in fact.

Smelling the unmistakable stink of Were nearing, she makes her exit, her laughter echoing in the empty bar behind her.

Sookie turns back to Lafayette with an irritated huff. "So what's the hell's your point, Laff?"

"Y'all need to forget 'bout those motherfuckahs who bailed on yo' asses. Shoot … yous daaayumn hot bitches! All yous gotta do is find somethin' good to suck on … ain't no way you gon' bitch wit yo' mouth full."

A/N: So, uh … yeah. Definitely hit that li'l green button and let me know if you, uh … agree with Laffy Taffy. *giggles*

Oh, and btw, this was not beta'd because … well, I think it's pretty damn obvious, lol.

Disclaimer: I won nothing... but that doesn't mean I can't have as li'l fun ;D