Rating: T for safety
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of JK Rowling (duh) and the borrowed idea comes from none other than Dora the Explorer. It had to be done :)
Summary: Ever wonder how Tonks got her nickname? It might have something to do with a pervy map, depressed backpack and...Oh yeah, that Malfoy kid.
"Tonks, we're going in circles, we need to stop for directions!" Remus Lupin huffed ten feet away from his wife, who was climbing up an all-too-familiar hill with a speed that should be illegal at 5:30 in the morning.
"We are not, I'd have known if we were! See that bird? It wasn't there before, was it?" Tonks continued to bounce her way up the mountain.
"No, but-"
"Exactly! That means we haven't been here before, silly goose!"
Lupin stared with his jaw dropped at his care-free wife. Sure, she may have more energy early in the morning than anyone else, but her brain doesn't turn on until the sun rose. Lupin was determined not to walk up this hill one more time, as the day was chilly enough without projecting themselves miles into the atmosphere.
"Honey, I really think we should stop and ask for directions."
"NO! We can do without." Tonks shook her bubblegum-pink hair out of her cloak, causing it to cascade down her back into big curls.
So much for men not wanting to stop for directions, Lupin thought.
"Fine, have it your way. Can we atleast use the map?" Tonks was making her way down the hill now and Lupin had no choice but to follow her.
"Well...I suppose so, but make sure you have your wand ready this time." They stopped halfway down and Lupin pulled the tiny bag out of his pocket. Pulling it open, he managed to fit his entire arm into the four-inch bag (along with half their wardrobe). Slowly he took out the old map and stared with a heavy level of suspision at the inoffensive-looking paper.
"Okay, be ready." Together they raised their wands and pointed it at the yellowing material before Lupin unrolled it, remembering what happened the last time it opened: Having a map with multiple personalities had it's disadvantages.
The map sprung open wide and glowed green and blue. In the far left corner was a big green hill; stationed in the center was an underground building, the Ministry of Magic, from the looks of it; The far right corner held their final destination, the Burrow, but nothing more than that. Of course, the map wouldn't make it that easy to figure out the fastest ways.
A pair of eyes and small papery lips formed in the middle of the parchment and grinned when it saw it's visitors. It cleared it's throat and began singing rapidly:
I'm the Map, I'm the Map,
You're a stupid hairy sap.
I can help you if I wanted to
But I have better things to do.
Werewolves smell like moldy wet dog,
I'd rather hang out with a hog.
But I can take your girl with me,
She's offly fetching, isn't she?
If you wish to find your way
Your lovely wife will have to stay
inside my hot and steamy remains,
I do declare, she won't complain!
So make your choice and see it through
Make it fast or I'll neuter you.
if you're wondering why I treat you like crap,
What can I say? I am the Map!
A low, tense second went by after the map finished it's song. Tonks stared at her husband, sensing what was to come. Lupin suddenly jumped up and hurled himself at the paper. Tonks wrapped her arms around him and, using the strength that every Auror had, pulled him onto the ground as he continued to flayal his arms out.
"Stupid, disgusting, worthless piece of crap! Just tell us how to get the hell off this hill!" Lupin was on his feet again while Tonks kept a protective hand around his waist.
"I do recall saying that there was a price to pay." The map grinned mischievously at Tonks in her elegant, form-fitting robes of royal blue, pink hair running down her back and her cheeks flushed slightly from holding her husband back.
"Go burn yourself!" Lupin glared at it, ready to do the honors himself.
"Acually...I'd love to spend some time with you." Tonks gave a flirtatious smile at the paper and tossed her hair back.
"Wha-" Tonks shot Lupin a look to silence him and kneeled on the grass in front of the map.
"But first you need to show us the way, because I refuse to do anything atop a freezing hill. The Ministry would be quite cozy, don't you agree?" Her tone was dripping with false seduction, or atleast, Lupin dearly hoped it was false. The map pursed it's lips for a few seconds before moving it's eyes up and down as a way of nodding.
"Fine. Simply turn around and run into that tree over there, the one that looks like it jumped out of Sleepy Hallow and is about to sprout severed human heads. Go on." The description didn't put either of them at ease but they saw no other options.
"Um, where are we going, exactly?" Lupin looked at the tree with unease.
"To the Ministry of Magic." Tonks' words could not be heard over the howling wind, though.
"Where?"
"To the Ministry of Magic! Don't make me say it again, I feel like a cartoon character." Lupin chuckled at the look on his wifes face.
"Lets go, then." Packing the map back up (rather forcefully) Lupin grabbed his wifes hand and they ran at the tree with their eyes closed.
An intense crushing feeling pressed them together and they knew that the tree had apparated them to somewhere else. Tonks opened her eyes and saw the steady flow of people bursting out of fireplaces or stepping out of "fellytone booths" as Arther called them. The young woman knew they had reached the Ministry.
She pulled her husband up off the floor and they set out to find the next point where they would be allowed to Disapparate without inevitably splinching themselves.
"We could use the floo network." Lupin pointed to the bright green flames that spit people out every few seconds.
"No, Molly would never allow it. She probably told Arthur to cut off the network to the Burrow." It was true, Molly was making this trip alot harder than it was supposed to be. Lupin checked his watch and noticed that it was now 8:30, which explained why Tonks' mind was in the right place now.
"Well, where should we go now?" The Ministry was packed full with people, with paper airplanes and thousands of possible portkeys.
"Shall we ask-" Tonks was cut off at once by a red-faced Lupin.
"Absolutely not! He may be just as bad as the map, after all. Come on, vamonos!" Lupin dragged his wife into an elevater and they descended to the buttom floor before stepping out. The department of Mysteries was surely the place to find a portkey hidden by Arthur.
They stepped into a room that Arthur particularly loved, one that was full of interesting muggle items like rubber ducks, wind chimes and bright green shower caps. The two exchanged an exasperated look that could only mean one word: Arthur.
"Right, Let's search for this portkey!" They began digging through the pile of random objects, held up every once in a while by Tonks' distractions ("Oh, Remus, would you look at this, it's so interesting looking!" "Honey, that's a vibrator." "A WHAT?").
Finally Tonks stumbled upon a fingernail-sized pink rubber duck the color of her hair and she knew that it must be this.
"I found it!" Lupin rushed over and at once agreed to grab the portkey. That is, until the music changed (dun dun duuuu!) and a tall, skinny boy with greasy blonde hair and a pale face was found lurking upon them.
"Oh no! He wants the portkey, Tonks! What should be do?" They were forbidden to use their wands on people, ever to paralyze someone such as Draco Malfoy. Tonks stood up and faced Malfoy, her hand outstretched.
"I need your help, Lupin! Say it with me!" Lupin shook his head at his lovely, brilliant, absolutely insane soulmate.
"If you say so." He stuck his hand out just as hers as Malfoy continued to tiptoe to the pink duck.
"Malfoy no swiping, Malfoy no swiping, MALFOY NO SWIPING!" they chanted together. Malfoy stopped in his tracks and shook his greasy head at the two.
"Oh man!" With a snap of his fingers he turned and lurked from the room. Tonks and Lupin went to grab the portkey now, but when nothing happened Tonks knew what must be done.
"Honey-"
"Yes, yes alright! Do it then."
Tonks slid the old color-faded backpack off her back and pulled the cord that allowed it to open. Just as the map did, the backpack sprouted two eyes and a mouth and looked up at his visitors, though not at all pleased.
"Do I have to?" The backpack sighed and it's sad eyes gazed up at them.
"Not really, we just need to get something that will turn on a portkey. Can you help us?" Lupin was grateful that this object was not hitting on his woman.
"Oh yes, that's right, because that's all that I'm here for! Just take from me like I'm the bloody Wizard of Oz, right?" the little leather lips cried.
"Who's the Wizard of Oz?" Tonks scratched her head, failing to see that Lupin was shaking his head at her frantically. But of course the damage was done already.
"Of COURSE you don't know who he is! Well, I'll tell you something, Mrs. I-think-I-can-just-suck-the-life-out-of-him-because-he's-just-a-backpack! I've already given everything I have and now my soul is black and my heart lies dorment, filled with ghosts and memories and...and nightmares! But do you care? No, you just keep sufficating me like EVERYONE ELSE! Sufficating tigher than a pair of my little sisters jeans! And FYI, unlike that other guy, THEY DON'T LIKE GREAT ON ME!"
Tonks and Lupin stared at the backpack in shock as it huffed and puffed and caught it's breath.
"Tell you what," Lupin began. "If you give us something that will turn on the portkey we'll find you a pair of jeans that look fabulous on you!" Tonks stifled a giggle, trying to picture this ruddy pack in jeans, something that wizards rarely wore.
"W-will you really?" It looked like it was on the verge of tears.
"Absolutely." He pressed his lips to Tonks' ear while the pack looked away to retrieve their treasure. "That and counseling." The eyes returned to them and the little mouth spit something out at them.
"There you go! Btw, I like skinny jeans." With that the face disappeared and Tonks hoisted the straps back onto her shoulders.
"Well, Let's get this over with. Where are we going, again?" Lupin asked after turning the portkey on.
"Why, the Burrow, of course!" Tonks grabbed his hand as he turned away from her to hide his grin.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. Let's go." Together they grabbed the portkey and were wisked away at once. A split second later they landed on a soft carpet and heard shouts of congratulations from identical voices.
"I'm impressed, I didn't think you'd be able to handle that map, Lupin." Fred grinned as Lupins face went red with fury.
"Or you with the depressed backpack, Tonks. You're so sensitive lately." George chimed in.
"Speaking of which, what shall we do about that map? I do recall you promised it certain...favors." Lupin tried to hide his grimace and failed. Tonks laughed, snatched the map out of Lupins small bag and chucked it at the fire. As it burned they heard very faintly the little screams "why would you do this to me? I thought we had something together!"
"And what about that backpack?" Molly asked, appearing in the doorway.
"Oh, please erase it's entire memory. Maybe that will help." Tonks handed over the backpack to Molly as Arthur arrived in the room and began cooing at the small rubber duck that Lupin handed him. Lupin was startled to find that Tonks had turned her hair brown and shoulder length, and his willpower crumbled as he burst out laughing.
"What?"
"I'm sorry, but you've been reminding me of Dora the Explorer all day!" Lupin grabbed his stomach as it began to hurt from laughing so hard. Everyone was now standing around the little livingroom of the Burrow, but only Harry and Hermione laughed with him. Everyone else looked incredibly confused and Tonks was shaking her head.
"Who's that? Is she sexy?"
Lupin rolled his eyes. "Oh, Dora."
Hope everyone liked, I've been having a lot of funny Lupin and Tonks Fanfic ideas lately, so more will come soon! Comments would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading!