This story was once posted many aeons ago under the title of "If Mary-Sue Had a Pet Shaven Rat" under the name SassyQ. Unfortunately, removed it again and again without much of an explanation. I've made some changes to what I believe they might have objected to, so I hope that this does not happen again. If it does, could some lovely person out there explain to me why this is the case?

Also, because this was written a few years ago, pop-culture references may be a little dated. Sorry!

Timeline: PostOotP, pre HBP. Remember that golden age of Harry Potter fandom wherein nobody had died yet and fanfic writers were free to focus solely on romances and other such fluff?

A/N: Well I'm back! This story is pretty much me parodying the existence of Mary-Sues in the Harry Potter fandom, but not strictly limited to the HP-verse. Does that make sense? No? Oh well, read on anyway!

Disclaimer: Anything you may recognise does not belong to me, but to their respective copyright holders whose names I can't be bothered to type.

"Welcome to the new year at Hogwarts!" Albus Dumbledore announced to the school at large, his arms outstretched in greeting.

WasOnceBoredReader: Welcome indeed. I was getting tired of watching Idol on TV. Glad to be back doing something.
CynicalReader: Very much so. What hijinks are we going to be subjected to this year?
BrainyReader: pulls out a large black dossier Our main character's name is Alexi Winters, 16 years old, female, beautiful beyond any description, Sla - .
InterruptingReader: Woah! We don't want to give the whole plot away!
BrainyReader: True. Continue with the story!

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were all very glad to be back at Hogwarts for another great year of studying magic. This would be their sixth year and for the purposes of this story, the events involving Voldemort and any development of characterization or relationships have now been purposely looked over in order to make room for the new character that is to be introduced into this fic. Harry glanced at the nervous first years awaiting their Sorting but his eyes were immediately pulled towards a girl around his age.

"Who is she?" he whispered to Ron, nudging him. Ron looked to where he indicated and let out a low, quiet whistle.

"Blimey! I have no idea but she's quite a looker!"

AnnoyedReader: And so it starts, the bad use of what the Author believes to be British colloquialisms. Kill me. Right now.

Harry flushed but continued to stare at the girl. Who was she? Where was she from? Hermione had noticed the two boys' whispered conversation and whispered to them from across the table "She must be an exchange student!"

AttentiveReader: Ah, good ol' reliable Hermione! Better than an Exposition Fairy.

As the first years slowly filed to the stool, the girl began to look bored and haughty, even daring to tap her foot impatiently onto the floor, creating a clear and loud tap! tap! throughout the Great Hall until Professor McGonagall gave her a reproving stare. Many students laughed at this, causing the girl to turn to face the students for the first time, for all they seen when she walked in was a curtain of hair around her head as she faced the floor, ignoring the students' stares. At that moment, Harry gasped at what he saw.

ObservantReader: Do people still even gasp nowadays? I don't think I've ever gasped in my entire life!
ObsessiveReader: Then you my friend, have never been subjected to the sweet beauty that is Adam Brody. Ah, Adam, be mine forever!
ObservantReader: Riiiight.

The girl had long, shiny, black, ebony hair that reached down to the small of her back and was highlighted with red. She had a small, lithe frame that was hidden by her black robes. From what Harry could see,

PickyReader: Wait, doesn't Harry wear glasses? How could he see such details and from such a distance?
SmartReader: Shut up! Don't you realise this is just a way for the Author to describe the Mary-Su – ah, I mean – new original character and to show that Harry definitely has the hots for her. It's like killing two birds with one stone!
Author: I really don't like the way you put "original" into italics.

The girl had very tanned skin and her face held delicate features. But what really made Harry gasp were her eyes.

AllReaders: Here we go again!

They were the most startling hue of purple that seemed to jump right out of her face and enchant anyone that so dared to gaze into their gorgeous depths. At the moment, they twinkled mischievously as she hid a small smile with her hand and turned back obediently towards Professor McGonagall as her name was called up finally.

"Winters, Alexi"

Alexi strode confidently towards the stool but stopped when Professor Dumbledore stood up again.

"Pardon my rudeness, but it seems the festivities of tonight has befuddled my memory completely. Many of you may be wondering, I am sure, who exactly this young woman is. Her name, as you know by now is Alexi and Alexi is from America and didn't know she was a witch until very recently. It seemed that the wizarding school in her area didn't know of her existence and it was only by very fortunate luck that we found her and thereby gave her a place at our school. She will be taking classes, not with the first years as is expected to learn the basics, but with this year's sixth years as she already has quite an advanced understanding of another brand of magic. So will you please all welcome, Miss Alexi Winters!"

AllReaders: stare in complete shock
PipeUpReader: That was the most blatant use of block exposition since … well since that other bad Mary-Sue fic a while back.
FriendofPipeUpReader: You mean the one we read two minutes ago?
PipeUpReader: Bingo.

The Hall sounded with many of the students putting their hands together for a polite applause. Alexi walked towards the stool again, this time managing to sit on it and place the hat on her head before anymore meddlesome wizards interrupted her.

SarcasticReader: Aha ha. Ha ha. The Author attempts to make a joke and fails. How sad, very, very sad.
RetortReader: I think you're the sad one. At least the Author doesn't have a collection of Furbies!
SarcasticReader: Shut up! Furbies are cool!

The Hall waited with baited breath as the hat made its mind that took what seemed like an eternity.

"GRYFFINDOR!" The hat finally yelled after 5 minutes of silence.

CynicalReader: collecting money from other Readers Okay, pay up, pay up. I can't believe some of you actually thought she'd be sorted into Slytherin! But I do have to give kudos for ThinkingReader to've bet on Sparklypoo.
ThinkingReader: shrugs shoulders It was worth a shot.

The cheer was noticeably loudest at the Gryffindor where many had stood up. Harry let out a long breath, unaware that he's been holding it all that time.

AttentiveReader: Wow, five minutes. Isn't that like a world record or something? He should at least be dead by now, if not very blue and passed out.
SmartReader: Shhh, it's another plothole. Or maybe just bad writing. Speaking of which, did you notice how many there were in Dumbledore's speech alone?
CountingReader: I count, six.
SmartReader: And that's not mentioning why Ron found Alexi pretty even though he hadn't seen her because she had her back faced towards them, and what about that other plothole where …

Please review and tell me if it's funny or not. If it isn't, please tell me why. If it is, please tell me why.