I'm not suicidal.
Just because I wear black and don't talk to very many people doesn't mean I want to kill myself. I have a good friend, Matthew Williams. I always thought if I was to have a best friend that's a guy, I would fall in love with him. But in truth, I've never fallen for him; and him never for me. We both like different people. I remember when he told me once he likes Katyusha from Ukraine; we had run into her when we were walking to some auto store to buy jumper plugs. My clunker of a car had broke down again. He got all dreamy looking at her, so I flat out accused him of liking her. He knew better than to deny it. I suppose you want to know who I told Mattie I like. Can you keep a secret as well as he can? If you can't, I might have to sick my non-existent knife on you.
Fine. I'll tell you.
I like Feliciano Vargas. He actually cares for people, unlike a lot of the guys that go to school here (cough cough FrancisGilbertIvan cough cough).
Everyone loves him.
He seems so spaced out sometimes, but I've seen the real him. I hate writing poetry with a passion (another reason why I'm not suicidal) but he accidentally left his notebook behind in class one day. I came in the next block, and there it was under my desk. I wanted to try to figure out whose it was, and there was no name on the cover, so I opened it. I looked for a name, but I couldn't find it anywhere, so I just started to read the first poem to see if I could figure out who it belonged to. I ended up sitting there numbly; tuning out my teachers words, as I could see his inner emotion.
I see their smiles.
They're so happy
But behind each one I see pain
Pain that they don't want anyone to see.
But I do.
Ludwig feels pressured to do it all;
to do it all right.
I feel it too.
Kiku doesn't want to be touched;
he doesn't want anyone to feel his scars.
I want that too.
Alfred tries to cover up that he's scared;
he's ultimately alone.
I'm afraid too.
Francis wants to be loved;
he wants to filled a hole.
I want mine filled too.
Ivan hides that he's slow behind his fists;
while he really just wants to open them.
I crave open hands.
Matthew's knows he's only heard by one voice;
and wishes he could reach more.
I wish the same.
Wendy wants someone to understand;
someone to recognize her for who she is.
I do too.
-Feli Vargas
I had put down the notebook in a rush, panicked that at any moment he would sail through the door and accuse me for looking at something so personal. It was a good thing I did, because not five minutes later come he did, and I gave him his notebook, almost jumping out of my skin when our hands brushed. He gave me the greatest smile with perfectly white teeth. And I felt so guilty
I still do.
Mattie and I sit in the park together. He's waiting for Katy. I try not to be jealous. Fear of losing Mattie isn't a factor; I want what they have. But the odds of Feli thinking of me in the way I think of him has very low odds. Friendship has better odds, but then again, everyone's friends with him.
"Hey Wendy. Hi (giggle) Mattie." We look up from the shade of the tree. Matthew's smile brightens instantly. He stands up after brushing himself off and links hands with Katy.
"Hi Katy." I too smile at the older girl. "You guys go have fun." Matthew looks back at me with somewhat of a mischievous grin.
"Hey, I called up a friend to keep you company." I frown.
"Who?" That smirk on his face, gosh I just want to rip it off; it's so infuriating.
"You'll see."
"Oh, like that clears everything up Matthew!"
"It does." I look at him again with confusion, then it hits.
"You did not!" I scream. He called Feli. He called Feli. What am I supposed to do?
"Yeah, I did." I fold my arms.
"I don't know whether I should kill you or hug you."
"I'd prefer it if you hugged me."
"I didn't ask for your preference smarty." He just shrugs.
"Have fun." I watch them as they go, hand in hand, step by step together. I groan.
"Hey bella!" I can't help it; I let out a little shriek as the Italian appears next to me.
"How did you get here!" He just smiles.
"Mattie said you needed company. What do you want to do?" I look around, anywhere but his face, due to guilt and attraction.
"I don't know." He looks at me closer.
"Come on, bella, you must have something you want to do." I risk a glance at his face. So innocent, so open and kind.
"What do you want to do?" He gives me a frown.
"Fine. What I want to do is whatever you want." I groan. It's impossible to win an argument with him.
"How about we go to the beach." Yeah, I know it's the fall right now. I like the beach anytime and you don't have to swim you know.
"That sounds great!"
We head out to the beach after he took me to my house to get my jacket. His driving scares me, but when I asked him to slow down, he took it well and actually only went 10 miles above the speed limit. (compared to before it was about 20/30 mph above) Making it in good time, we walk as close to the water as we could. Despite that I'm bundled in my black cargo pants, long-sleeve black shirt, and (you guess the color) jacket, I take off my shoes and socks and hold them in my hand. Feli takes my other one, a gesture that surprised me. The sun hits his brown hair making it look slightly red, and his jeans and form fitting dark green shirt don't help my teenage hormones. We go about a mile, walking and talking, and then head back to his red Fiat. It's about 7:00, and it's so close to winter that the sun is beginning to set.
Feli drives me back to my house. Sitting in his car, about to get out, my conscious pricks me.
"Thanks Feli. This was fun."
"Anytime Bela." I lean as if I'm about to get out, but then something stops me. Not just any something, the guilt. I sigh and turn back to him. He deserves to know.
"Hey Feli, you remember when you left your journal in class?" He nods. "I was trying to figure out whose it was, so I kinda read the first poem. I didn't mean to invade your privacy. I'm sorry." He looks at me for a long second then he exhales slightly, his longer curl bobbing just enough as well.
"How was it?" He looks almost nervous about what I was going to say. Personally, I am in no way prepared for the question, but quickly I remember what I can.
"I loved it. You care so much for people Feli. That's what I like about you." Hesitantly we meet each other's gazes. Then he reaches underneath the driver's seat. When he pulls out his journal and offers it to me, I can't help but let out a little gasp.
"Read the others then. Some of them are for you anyway. Here." He flips open to a certain page.
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
This is very cheesy
But Wendy, I love you
"I love you too Feli." Gently he leans in and rests his lips on my forehead. And I know breaking away from him would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do. Walking in the door, a single tear on my cheek, I dial Matthew's number without bothering to greet my parents.
"You should start your own dating consulate services." His laughter dances across my ears.