A/N: I was looking through my files for something else and happened upon the beginning of a story that I had completely forgotten about. I had written this back in October 2014 and it was likely based on some spoilers that were out at the time. I have no idea what my original intent was for the story or why I never finished it, but when I read what I had I couldn't leave it alone and decided to finish it. So this is an AU story about the aftermath of Rayna leaving Luke at the altar. Hope you enjoy.
On and on the road is long / But even though the sun feels gone / We can find the light
Make the change / Break the chain / We're all the same / We're all the same / In love
Deacon was upstairs working in his guitar room when he heard loud knocking on the door. He frowned as he stopped what he was doing. He heard the sliding glass doors open. Then he heard a woman's voice calling his name. He felt his heart clench. It was Rayna.
He got up and started down the hall to the stairs. He looked at the clock and saw that it was a little after one in the afternoon. Rayna was supposed to get married today, to Luke Wheeler. High noon, as he recalled from all the press coverage and Maddie's annoyed commentary. That was why he'd left Nashville, immediately after the end of Luke Wheeler's tour, and headed for the cabin for the weekend. Maddie was going to be at the wedding, under duress, but she was still going to be there, so he hadn't wanted to stay in town and listen to all the buzz about the biggest country superstar wedding since Blake and Miranda. It had been a little ironic that he was opening for Luke and he'd been anxious to get away from that as well as Luke's often pointed comments about his upcoming nuptials. Why is she here?
He walked out into the great room and saw her standing at the doors, a coat over her white wedding dress, her hair all styled up, although it looked a little worse for wear right then. As he got closer, he could see that she was crying and her makeup was streaked on her face. He scowled as he got closer.
"What are you doing here, Rayna?" he asked tersely.
She whirled around, sadness on her face and her hands clasped together in front of her. He realized she wasn't wearing that hideous monstrosity of an engagement ring. "I couldn't do it," she wailed. "I couldn't do it. What was I thinking?" She walked over to him and grabbed his arm.
He frowned and pulled away from her, backing up. He could see the confusion on her face. "What are you doing here, Rayna?" he repeated.
She took a deep breath. "I made a mistake. I should never have agreed to marry Luke. It was all a mistake. I was just scared to take a chance."
Deacon shook his head with a rueful smile on his face. "It's a little late to be deciding that, don't you think?" he asked.
Rayna looked around, a guilty look on her face. "Are you here with someone?" she asked, her voice low.
Deacon scowled. "No, I ain't. But if you came here, thinking you could just tell me you made a mistake, that you were scared, that you want me back, well, it's kinda too late for that." He shook his head again. "I ain't gonna be here every time you decide you're ready, Rayna. I ain't waiting around for you anymore. If you made a wrong choice, you just gotta live with it. If you're not marrying Luke, I think that's a good decision, for you and for the girls. But I'm not here for you. Not anymore. I'm not doing this anymore."
Rayna gasped, her hand flying up to her mouth. Tears welled up in her eyes. "But I love you, Deacon. It's always been you. You know that."
Deacon just looked at her for a moment. He hadn't expected that. It confused everything, especially after she'd essentially told him, not two weeks earlier, that he needed to get over her and move on with his life. He rubbed his hands over his face. When he looked back at her, his face was drawn and sad. "You know what, Rayna? I love you too. I'll always love you. I guess that's my curse. But I'm done waiting for you. I waited while you were married to someone else. And I waited while you got over the accident and tried to figure out if we could even be in the same room with each other again. And I even waited for a little while to see if you'd decide you'd made a mistake with Luke. But you were the one that told me I needed to stop waiting. So I did."
Rayna closed her eyes as the tears flowed down her cheeks. "I know I've messed this up." She opened her eyes and looked back at him. "I was wrong. I made the wrong choice. I knew it was wrong as soon as I did it but I couldn't figure out how to fix it."
Deacon shook his head. "That's crap, Rayna, and you know it. You rubbed it in my face the whole time. Cuddling up to Mr. Wheels Up all the time, acting like the starry-eyed princess getting ready to have all her dreams come true. I watched you sell out to all the crap me and you said we'd never get caught up in. All for him. And don't even get me started on how I'm the man that made your life hell for all those years and how I'm just one bad day away from falling off the wagon." The article she'd done for Rolling Stone still stung, the words still cut through his heart the same way they had when he'd first read them. And every single time after that.
She looked a little like the wind had been taken out of her sails. She sat down on the couch and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, her hands knotted together in front of her mouth. Deacon noticed then, randomly, that her dress really wasn't white, it was an off-white of some kind. "He twisted my words, Deacon, I told you that. That wasn't what I meant," she said.
He stood, watching her, for a few minutes. She almost seemed like she was out of it, like she wasn't really sure where she was or why she was there. "So does he know you ain't showing up?"
She looked up at him. "Yeah. I mean, I was supposed to be there at noon and, obviously, I'm not."
"Who else knows?"
"Well, everybody, now."
"No, I mean, when you decided to leave."
She shook her head. "No one. I had gotten dressed and the glam squad was in there doing my hair and makeup and the girls had been in and out. And Tandy. And a few other people. And then I just couldn't deal with people anymore." She looked up at Deacon. "I swear, I was sitting in front of that mirror and it felt like I was watching myself in a dream. And I looked so unhappy. And I felt sick to my stomach. So I made everyone leave. And then when they had, I got my keys and I just walked outside and got in my car and drove off."
"So nobody knew you did this?" Rayna shook her head. "And Luke would have just been standing up there waiting until someone told him you were gone?" Rayna nodded. Deacon looked at her for a minute and then he laughed. "I sure would love to have seen his face."
Rayna scrunched up her face. "I know it wasn't the right thing to do. But I really thought that if I tried to explain it to him, he would have told me that I just had pre-wedding cold feet, or something, and he would have guilted me into going through with it."
Deacon nodded. "I could see that. So, has anyone tried to contact you?"
She pulled her phone out of her clutch. "My phone's been going off until I got closer to here, where there's no service. So yeah, I've got messages and texts."
"Does Luke know how to get here?"
She thought about that. "Not all the way here. He might remember the highway route, but you know, you kind of have to know where to turn to get here. I don't think Tandy would even know how to get here anymore."
"What are you gonna do next?"
She shrugged. "Well, I don't know now. I don't really want to go back right away."
"What about Maddie and Daphne?"
Rayna's face turned sad. "Well, they were going to stay with Teddy."
Deacon frowned a little as he thought. "You can stay here for right now, for a couple days, until you figure out what you want to do. I can go talk to the girls, if you want me to." He looked at her pointedly. "You look like you could use the time alone."
She stood up and grabbed his arm, looking panicked for a second. "Please don't leave me," she said softly.
He shook his head, laughing a little. "What is it you want me to do, Rayna? Hold your hand? Tell you it's gonna be alright? Fix it all for you?"
She frowned then. "No, that's not what I want you to do, Deacon," she said, her voice tight.
"Then I'll ask you again. Why are you here?" He enunciated each word carefully.
She sighed and turned to look out the sliding glass door she'd come in through. After a moment, she looked back at him, her eyes soft and pleading. "I needed you," she said. "I told you that. I love you, Deacon. From the first time I laid eyes on you. First time I heard you play a note on the guitar. First time I saw you smile. I know we put each other through hell, but I love you."
His heart was in his throat. Hearing her say those words, he could feel his resolve start to crumble. He steeled himself. While he was glad she'd walked away from Luke Wheeler, he knew she was in no shape to be making any other decisions. Part of him wanted to grab her up in his arms and kiss her hard and tell her it would be okay. That they would figure out everything else. But he forced himself to stop and consider the knowledge that there was a lot of water under their bridge, much more even than there was back before he'd found out she was hiding the truth about Maddie.
He took a deep breath. "I don't think you should be making no big decisions right now, Rayna. I mean, beyond the one you just made." She looked so lost, just standing there in front of him. She actually looked stunningly beautiful, in her wedding hair and makeup, wearing that beautiful dress, even with a coat over it and mascara running down her face. She was the most gorgeous being he'd ever known, always had been. He closed his eyes for a second, then opened them and looked back at her, feeling himself soften. "You want some tea or something?" he asked. "Are you hungry?"
She smiled then, a sad smile, as she seemed to realize what she'd done. "Tea would be great," she said.
He walked into the kitchen and, taking the tea pot from the stove, turned to the sink and filled it with water. He set it on the stove and turned on the gas, then turned back to her. She had walked up to the kitchen island and stood there, her hands folded on the counter in front of her. He gave her a tight smile. "You wanna change clothes?" he asked.
She looked thoughtful for a minute, then spread her hands out, with a rueful smile. "I didn't bring anything. I guess I'll just have to wear this." Then, suddenly, she burst into tears and lifted her hands to her face.
He hustled around the island and took her in his arms, rubbing her back. He'd always hated to see her cry. Most of the time he had been the one to make her cry, but at least this time that wasn't the case. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt as she clenched it in her fists. He kept rubbing her back as the sobs finally began to lessen and her breathing started to normalize. The tea pot started to sing and he pushed her back gently. She looked up at him and he smiled sadly. "Let me fix your tea," he said.
She nodded and went to sit on one of the stools. He opened the cabinet, pulling out a mug. He busied himself with putting a tea bag in the mug and pouring in hot water. He got out a spoon and sugar, remembering that's how she took her tea. He turned back and put everything on the counter in front of her and then watched as she picked up the tea bag, dipping it in the hot water over and over. It seemed to calm her.
He cleared his throat and she looked up at him. He shrugged. "Turns out you got some clothes here. Stuff you left," he said quietly.
She looked surprised. "I do?"
He nodded. "You, uh, you didn't come back, after the last time. I just left it all there."
She finally smiled a little. "Well, I guess it shouldn't surprise me it's still here then." He raised his eyebrows and she laughed a little, as she took the tea bag out of the mug. He reached for it and then threw it in the trash. He watched as she dipped her spoon in the sugar once, twice, just as he remembered. As she absentmindedly stirred, she looked back at him. "You're a creature of habit, Deacon Claybourne. Always were." She waved her hand around. "I mean, everything here is exactly the same. Everything at the house, exactly the same."
He frowned. "That ain't true."
She laughed, a little louder this time. He had missed her laugh. She had not laughed a lot during these months with Luke. "Oh, yes it is," she said. She took a sip of tea and then smiled, a genuine smile. "You never replaced anything until it no longer worked. You keep things forever. You never even rearrange furniture."
He raised his eyebrows. "Why throw away perfectly good things?" He put his hands on his hips and frowned. "And there ain't no reason to move stuff around just to, you know, move it. I like where things are."
She took another sip of tea, then held the mug in both hands just under her chin. "I know. And it was one of the things I always found so endearing about you." She looked sad, suddenly. "No matter what, I could depend on things being the way they always were. It was comforting, you know, that normalcy."
He put his hands on the counter and breathed out. "What do you want from me, Ray?" he asked.
She sighed and then set the mug down on the counter. "I don't know," she said, a little wistfully. "I just, well, I just didn't know where else to go." He saw the tears in her eyes. "Or who else to turn to." She smiled sadly. "You're always the one I think of, when things get tough. I bet you didn't know that."
Oh, he knew it. He knew that was why they walked the bridge, or met at the park, or sat along the river. Or sometimes just sat in one of the meeting rooms at Sound Check. He knew she couldn't let go and it was part of the reason why he'd never been able to let go either. He looked down at the counter. It was how he'd known, truthfully, that she hadn't meant to say those things to the Rolling Stone reporter. Because he knew she couldn't let go and that she understood why he couldn't either.
"Maybe," he said. Then a thought suddenly occurred to him and he frowned. "How did you know I was here?"
She shrugged. "Scarlett told me." He raised his eyebrows. "She just mentioned it. I didn't ask her. I figured it was to…get away from everything." He lifted his head in a subtle affirmation. She looked back at him. "Is that what it was? To get away?"
He picked up a dish cloth and rubbed at a nonexistent spot on the counter. "It just seemed like a good idea. Not be in the middle of it. Someone could ask questions." He hadn't thought that would happen, at least until the magazine article had come out. That had seemed to up the buzz about their former relationship. Reignited some of the chatter about the fact that they had been in his truck together that night of the accident. The night she'd almost died.
She pushed the mug away. "I'm sorry about the Rolling Stone thing. I felt horrible afterwards. After everything we'd gone through, you know, with what happened with Maddie. And the accident. I just felt like I'd taken one step too far and I hated myself for it."
He bit down on his lip. "You thought you needed to, you said."
She nodded. "He walked in on Maddie and Colt kissing, you know. There was already so much going on about her, with the video and everything, that I just couldn't put her in the spotlight again." She got teary again. "I just couldn't do that to her. I've already made so many mistakes when it came to her that I just couldn't let her get hurt."
He understood that. In the short time he'd been Maddie's father, he understood wanting to protect her, keep her safe, not let her be hurt. He'd been surprised at how quickly he'd made that transition, once they'd started spending time together, getting to know each other as a father and a daughter. All the love he'd had for her before had almost immediately grown exponentially. As much as he loved Maddie's mother, his love for their daughter had been powerful and consuming, yet different. He nodded. "I get it."
She wiped her eyes and then she looked around and back at him. "You said there were clothes here," she said.
He nodded towards the bedroom. "In there. In the dresser." She got up, then looked back at him awkwardly. "Go ahead." He watched as she walked towards the bedroom. Their bedroom. At least back in the days when they were together. Back before Teddy. Back before whatever happened that led to Maddie. Even though he knew she was sad and confused, he thought she looked stunning. As she walked to the bedroom, the off-white dress fluttered around her legs. He couldn't help but wonder if the day would ever come when he'd see her in a wedding dress on their wedding day.
He shook his head as though to empty his brain of those kinds of thoughts. He walked out of the kitchen. It was a chilly day and he picked up a jacket and shrugged it on, before opening the sliding doors and walking out onto the porch. He closed the doors behind him and walked to the edge of the porch, looking out over the lake. It was a sunny day, but it was a cold sunlight. The sky was very pale blue, almost to the point of being white. The wind was calm that day, so the lake looked like smooth glass.
He let his breath out in a whoosh and ran his fingers through his hair. It had been like a ghost had walked in, when he saw her standing there. She'd told him, in no uncertain terms, that Luke was the man for her, that they were done. Well, truthfully, she'd hadn't said that exactly. What was it she'd said? It needs to be said, Deacon. I am getting married in two weeks. We've got to face the truth. I've moved on. You gotta move on too. He wondered what it was that changed that. Because she'd been dead set on it from that point on. He didn't see her again. Not until he'd walked downstairs and found her in his living room.
He heard the sliding door then and turned, as she walked outside. She was wearing an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt, along with the coat she'd worn and a pair of white heels. The ones she'd worn for her wedding, he supposed. He looked down at them, then back at her, and smirked. "I guess you didn't have no shoes here," he said.
She made a face. "Evidently I took those with me." She laughed. "I seem to recall wearing a pair of boots whenever we came and I don't think I ever wore anything else. So it would make sense."
"I got socks. You could borrow them."
She smiled. "I may do that." She walked up to him and ran her hand down his back. "Thanks."
He frowned. "For what?"
"For not making me go home." The smile faded as she looked at him. "Did you mean it when you said I could stay here? 'Cause I think I need to. For a day or two, at least."
"What about the girls?"
She laid the back of her hand against his chest. "I don't know what to do," she said, her voice quiet. "Maybe I should go back."
He breathed in. She was standing so close to him, not quite touching, except for her hand on his chest. He could feel the warmth there and he swallowed. "I ain't gonna make you go back," he said, finally, and she looked up at him. "I can drive you out to the highway. You can call 'em from there."
She smiled sweetly at him, a look of relief in her eyes. "Thank you," she murmured.
He felt like he couldn't breathe for a second and then he forced himself to be calm. She had just walked away from her wedding. The wedding she'd been ready for, to a man she claimed was the perfect man for her. He couldn't let himself be that guy, the one who was her rebound guy, even though he knew he'd never really be that. But she needed some time, even if she didn't think so. He raised his eyebrows. "You wanna go now?" he asked.
She stepped back. "Yeah, I probably should. The girls are probably worried." She made a face. "And Tandy too." She breathed out. "And Bucky. Well, a lot of people really."
"Well, let's go do it."
He glanced over at her as they drove down the road towards the interstate. One of the things he liked about the cabin was the isolation. The fact that, even in these days, it was outside of reliable cell service. She held her phone in her hands, but she kept flipping it around, gently bouncing her leg all the while. She was nervous, he could tell, or anxious. She wasn't usually the type to back down from things, but then this was something he'd always suspected she'd talked herself into. Just like with Teddy.
"You okay?" he asked.
She looked at him. "I feel like I need to make amends, or something," she said.
He inclined his head slightly. "To Luke?"
She shrugged. "Yeah. Maybe." She smiled a little then. "I can't believe I actually ran away."
He chuckled softly. "Never figured you for a runaway bride," he said, with a smirk.
She laughed then and he almost saw the old Rayna. "I never thought I would be that bride." She sighed. "I was up all night, thinking about it all." She turned and looked out the window. "It really wasn't just one thing, you know? It was kind of a whole series of things." She turned back to look at him. "I didn't recognize my life anymore, Deacon." She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, then turned towards him, her eyes filled with sadness. "I kept thinking about what it was like, back when we were starting out. Just love and the music. Playing those awful dive bars and honky tonks." She smiled. "You remember?"
He grinned, glancing over at her. "Oh, yeah. I remember."
She bit her lip. "I know there were a lot of hard times," she said, a catch in her voice. "I know it wasn't all perfect, the way I like to remember it. But it was good. Wasn't it?"
He felt a lump in his throat and he nodded. "It was."
She turned her head to look out the windshield and he could see her set her jaw. "But it was gonna be private jets and billboards and commercials and honeymoon tours and Ruke barbeque sauce."
He looked over. "Barbeque sauce?"
She laughed. "Oh, yeah. Luke has his own barbeque sauce. That whole branding thing. Oh, and the girls were talking about boarding school…."
He frowned. "Boarding school?"
"Oh, I put a stop to that notion right away. But it was just too much. I mean, I know that house Teddy and I built is kind of monstrosity in some ways, but I got to make it my own. It's a family home, Deacon, where a family can live and be happy." She looked at him again. "Maybe not quite the house we would have had."
He was glad they'd reached the interstate. He pulled into a closed up gas station and parked. "I think you got cell service here."
She looked down at her phone and then back at him with a sad little smile. "I do. I guess I should make that call."
He nodded. "Guess so." He turned off the truck and sat back. "I'll wait here."
He watched her as she paced the parking lot, phone to her ear, the other arm wrapped around her waist, and her head down. She was turned away from him, so he couldn't see her face. A couple times it looked like her shoulders were shaking, but then she'd straighten up.
He felt bad. It didn't seem like the call was going well. A big part of him wanted to comfort her, like he would. But she needed some time and he surely needed some time. He saw her look at her phone and could see, by her posture, that she was dejected. He forced himself to wait.
He watched as she made another brief call. This time she was standing up straight and she was animated, her hand and arm making sweeps of the air. Then she turned to walk back to the truck. He smiled a little to himself, watching her in the white heels and the fancy coat over her jeans. She clearly hadn't thought her escape through.
She opened the door and climbed in. When she looked at him, her face looked drawn. He raised his eyebrows. "Not good, I take it?" he asked.
She sighed and shook her head, looking down at the phone she was holding in her lap. "Not really," she said finally. She looked up and out the front windshield. "I mean, Maddie wasn't so upset. She wanted to know where I was though." She looked over at him, a sad smile on her face. "I didn't tell her. Just that I needed a couple days and they were fine with Teddy." Then the smile faded and her face fell. "But poor Daphne was so upset. She really loved Luke and it was harder on her. So I kind of feel bad now for running out on them."
"They'll be okay, Ray. They got each other."
She nodded. "I know. But I'm their mama. And I just upended their lives. Again." She looked at him again and smiled ruefully. "I had lots of messages and texts from Tandy and from Luke. Not good ones, obviously." She sighed. "I called Bucky and he'll manage things on his end. Just a really brief statement about how we just decided that we would say it was a mutual decision to call off the wedding."
He shook his head and then started to laugh. "You think he'll go along with that?" he asked her.
She smirked. "Oh, I don't know. He apparently hasn't gone public with it yet, so if we get our message out there first, then what's he gonna do? Call me a liar?" She shook her head. "He could, though. I hope he won't. But I do need to talk to him, at some point, explain things."
He looked out the windshield, working his lip, and breathed in. "Considering you came to me, you mind telling me what made you decide this?"
She sighed. "A lot of things. I told you some of it. But, you know, Maddie and Daphne did that song you helped Maddie with, at the rehearsal dinner."
He turned to look at her. "Really?"
She nodded slowly. "Yeah, really. Imagine how that played, with Luke sitting beside me. And he wasn't the only one who wondered what your motivation might have been."
He opened his eyes wide. "No motivation. Just helping my daughter write a song."
She made a face. "I don't believe that, you know. And you should also know it put the wheels in motion." She turned slightly towards him. "I had to really think about what I was doing, Deacon. And I think a lot of it came down to feeling guilty because I didn't choose…you, when I had the chance." He bit his lip, as he remembered that night in her kitchen, after Luke had proposed on stage at LP Field, in front of tens of thousands of people, when he had made his own pitch. It hadn't worked. She'd picked Luke anyway and, while he couldn't stop loving her, he certainly tried to put that aside, respect her decision. "I know you're angry with me. With what I said, the article and everything afterward, but I kept telling myself I needed a clean slate. I had married Teddy for all the wrong reasons and that hadn't turned out well, as you know. But I was marrying Luke with my eyes wide open, or so I thought. And with no encumbrances or baggage or…painful history."
"And yet, painful history and all, here you are."
She smiled, a little sadly. "Yeah, here I am." She looked down and then out the front window. "What did you think, when you saw me standing there?" she asked softly.
He considered that, as well as what to say. "At first I couldn't believe it was you standing there," he said, finally. "And I couldn't figure out why you came." He took a deep breath and then breathed out. "And I was mad as hell, 'cause it didn't have to be that way. You were the one put us through all this."
She nodded, lowering her head. "I know."
She looked so fragile, right then. It had taken courage, he realized, for her to come find him and tell him all this. She'd been so sure about her path and now she was saying…well, she was saying it was all to avoid him. To deny him. He had to consider the magnitude of that. Sure, it wasn't at the same level as marrying Teddy to deny him access to his daughter, but it was her pattern. And he didn't know if it was healthy, for either of them, to always be there waiting for her. He breathed in and then sighed. "I gotta think about all this, Rayna," he said. "I gotta think about that fact you keep pushing me away."
"But I'm not doing that now," she said, turning to look at him.
"You just ran off from your wedding. You didn't sleep last night. I think you need some time." She started to say something and he glared at her. She closed her mouth and frowned back at him. "It'd be too easy for us to fall back on old patterns, Ray. You know that. God knows I love you. I done told you I'd always love you and that's still true. But there's a lot of water under our bridge…."
She gave him a ghost of a smile. "Yes, there is," she said, looking at him pointedly. "And I know that you love me. That's the one thing I'll never not believe."
He couldn't help but smile as he recognized her parroting back something he'd said to her back before everything that led up to the accident. "We gotta be sure, Rayna. And I don't think you're ready to be sure. Take the time." She just looked at him and he turned the key in the ignition. "Let's go back," he said, and she settled back against the seat and stared out the side window as he headed back to the cabin.
The ride back was quiet. The sun was setting and it was getting chillier. When they got in the house, he turned to look at her. She seemed a little lost and he found himself wanting to take her in his arms and tell her it would all be okay. But would it? He breathed in. "Can I fix you something?" he asked.
She took off the fancy coat and draped it over a chair. She looked at him and shook her head. "I don't think so." She smiled. "I might take you up on a pair of your socks though." She held up one foot. "These shoes need to go."
He smiled back. "In the same drawer as always." She laughed softly. "I'm gonna go chop some wood for the fire. You be okay?"
She made a face. "I'm a big girl, babe. I can manage."
He nodded and then watched as she made her way into the bedroom. He breathed in, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets as she disappeared. Then he turned and headed out for the backyard.
As he split wood, he thought about what had transpired that afternoon. He had certainly not expected that Rayna would walk out on her wedding, particularly not at the last minute. He had to admit, though, that sometimes, when she didn't know he was looking, he'd see a pensiveness on her face or a cloud seem to cross her eyes, or even a little wistfulness about her. He certainly hadn't thought it had anything to do with her being unsure about her future with Luke. To the contrary, she had given him no indication she was anything but certain about that. Particularly that last time he'd seen her, when she'd come by his house to try to smooth things over in the aftermath of the Rolling Stone article.
He'd been angry, for sure. It had been the one thing he'd thought he could count on with her, that when she'd said their private life was private, that she'd meant it. But there it was, in stark black and white. His alcoholism, his unreliability and the difficulties it caused her, the slow deterioration of their relationship in the wake of it all. And then her curious musing about his inability to move on. It had hurt. Stung, actually. Almost as much as it had when the truth had come out about Maddie. But this was the essence of them. Even after she'd broken up with him, moved out, and kicked him out of her band, they hadn't lost the essence of them.
He remembered the day the article came out. She'd desperately tried to reach him and then, because he couldn't ignore her when he took Maddie's Christmas gift over, she had tried to make amends. He hadn't let her though. No, he'd pushed back – hard – getting in her face about it. Of course I want Deacon to move on. I want him to be happy. Why hasn't he? You'd have to ask him. He clenched his jaw and slammed the axe down on the piece of wood. She knew why. She'd always known why. She'd let him stay, all those years. She talked to him about things he knew she didn't talk to Teddy about. And yet she'd made it seem like he was the one hanging on.
He hated that it still hurt. He hated that she could still get to him. He hated that he still loved her. Except I don't. Hate it, that is. I'll love her til the day I die. He stopped what he was doing. He didn't know how long he'd been outside, but he'd chopped way more wood than he'd need and it was two shades from completely dark. He sighed, letting the tension ease out of his body. He slung the axe onto the stump and then picked up an armful of wood and headed up the steps.
He slid open the door and walked in. He unloaded the wood into the firewood rack and then turned around. Rayna was laying on the couch, her head on one of the cushions and the blanket covering her to her waist. She was sound asleep. He stood watching her for a moment. The tension had eased from her face and her mouth was just slightly open and her breathing was soft. He walked over and turned out the lamp next to the couch, the darkness covering her face. She frowned slightly, in her sleep, and tensed up slightly, then her face smoothed back out as she settled back down. He lifted the blanket gently and pulled it up close to her shoulders. Then he reached out and ran his fingers lightly over her hair. An aching sob seemed to well up in him and he breathed in deeply, willing it back down. Then he breathed out and turned to head for the kitchen.
The cabin had always been a little chilly in the winter. It was an old place and there were places around the windows and in the eaves where the little puffs of cold air would get in. So he went to the fireplace and worked to get a fire started. He thought back on all the times he and Rayna had been here, in this place, snuggling up with each other under a blanket in front of the fire. He breathed in. He'd missed that. In all the years he'd been without her, he'd missed the times they'd spent here. He'd bought this place for her, all those years ago, but when she had left for the last time, she'd never come back. Told him she didn't want the place. Too many memories.
He'd thought about selling it, but her essence was still in it, almost like a ghost roaming the rooms. He felt her in this place, every time he was here. He'd brought Maddie here and it had felt bittersweet, but he had never been able to give it up. It was the place he'd bought for him and Rayna, to spend their lives in, raising up their family. But that hadn't happened.
She was here now though. She'd been here twice before, both times recently, once with Luke, because she was afraid he'd come here to get drunk. And then after they'd faced the media about Maddie being their daughter. He frowned as he thought about sitting with Rayna and Teddy, essentially saying he'd known about Maddie all along and had let Teddy raise her. He could feel the bile rise up in his throat even now, just thinking about it. Rayna had driven up afterwards, to thank him. But she'd left after they'd had a fight over whose resentment was bigger.
Fighting seemed to be their MO. No matter what their relationship status. Friends, lovers, co-parents, and everything in between. It had just been one of the ways they talked to each other.
When he turned back around, she was sitting up on the couch, the blanket wrapped around her like a poncho, her hair all messy around her shoulders. "I didn't mean to wake you," he said.
She shook her head. "You didn't. I didn't mean to fall asleep but I guess I was more tired than I thought." She pulled the blanket a little closer around her. "I think the stress is getting to me a little."
He raised his eyebrows. "You hungry?"
She smiled. "Yeah, a little."
He walked into the kitchen and opened the pantry. He turned back, looking at her with a smirk. "I got canned spaghetti-o's," he said, inclining his head towards the can in his hand.
She laughed and he thought it was the first time since she'd shown up at his door that she'd looked like herself. "I'm not surprised you haven't changed your eating habits either," she said.
He chuckled. "Actually, I do know how to cook some things but up here? This is easier."
She smiled broadly. "It'll be like old times then," she said.
He winked and then turned back to the stove.
After they ate, she started to nod off again. He cleared his throat and she opened her eyes. "So, you look like you need a good night's sleep," he said.
She nodded and pushed herself up from the couch. "I can get a pillow and another blanket and sleep out here," she said.
He shook his head, frowning. "Nah, I can do that. You take the bedroom. More comfortable."
"Deacon, it's okay," she said.
"You need the sleep."
She sighed. "Okay. I won't argue."
He followed her to the bedroom. He saw the wedding dress wadded up and pushed into a corner of the closet, but he didn't say anything. He got a couple pillows and a heavier blanket, along with his toothbrush. He turned at the door and looked back at her as she stood in the middle of the room, looking a little forlorn. "Sleep as late as you want," he said.
She nodded and then she gave him a tiny smile. "Thanks, Deacon," she said softly.
He gave her a small smile in return, then closed the door behind him. As he walked out to the great room, all he could think about was the fact that she was in this house, their house, just on the other side of a door. She'd come here for him, to be with him, and he was telling her no. He considered that this was probably the first time he'd turned her away. Back when she was a naïve, innocent sixteen year old, when he should have turned her away, he hadn't. He'd fallen in love with her at first sight and he'd taken her in when her father threw her out and he had vowed he'd never let her go. But he had, of course, not by choice, but by circumstance. And now she was back. After all those years, she was back.
It wasn't the first time, of course, because there was the night she'd shown up on his front porch in Nashville, vowing her love. But that was when she was hiding a secret from him, a secret that literally turned their world upside down and had threatened to end them forever. But she was back and he didn't really know what to do with that this time. As he stretched out on the couch, punching his pillows and pulling up the blankets, he hoped a good night's sleep would help clear his mind as well.