A short Stargate piece, entirely for laughs. Daniel happens to find Jack doing something bizarre in the corridors of the SGC.
Disclaimer: Stargate's not mine, and nor are any people or places (I think slavery has been banned). Couldn't tell you who it does belong to though, because I don't know.
Daniel wandered through the corridors, trying to clear his head. He did that occasionally, when a piece of translation wasn't coming together. He often passed Carter fixing something or other, or Teal'c in the middle of his Kel'No'Reem. But he never, ever, found Jack O'Neill resting against the door to his quarters, banging his head repeatedly against the wood. Never.
Until now.
"… Jack?" Jack continued knocking his forehead against the door, narrowly missing the edge of the plaque with his name on it. "What are you doing?" Jack stopped moving and just rested his head on the pine, eyes closed, and didn't look at Daniel when he spoke.
"Head butting the door, Daniel, what does it look like?" Daniel pursed his lips.
"… Why?" Jack sighed.
"Because I can't find my keys."
"Where did you have them last?"
"I think I lost them on our last mission."
"Why didn't you leave them in the locker room?"
"Because you need keys to lock a locker, Daniel. That's why they're called lockers. And frankly it seemed easier to keep all of my keys in the same place, so I took them with me." There followed an ominous silence. "And I'm an idiot."
"Yeah…" Jack frowned and rolled his head to the side.
"What do you mean 'yeah'?"
"Huh? Oh nothing."
"Right," Jack muttered, then set to banging his head against the door again.
"You're going to give yourself concussion if you keep that up," warned Daniel.
"At least I'd have a bed to sleep in." Suddenly Jack turned his head to look at Daniel, but kept his elbows resting against the cool wood. "You know what the worst thing about this is?"
"Not being able to get into your room?" There was a pause.
"… Besides that." Daniel shook his head. "It's that somewhere out there, some alien probably has my keys right now." Daniel put on a face of mock horror, even gasping to prove the point.
"My god, Jack, you're right. If the Goa'uld ever somehow get past our iris, through the blast doors, bypass lock-down, elude the hundreds of guards on base, they'd be able to get into your underwear drawer! The fiends!"
"I'll have you know that I keep important things in this room."
"Really? Like what?"
"Sorry, Daniel, that's classified."
"I have clear…"
"And by classified, I actually mean 'none of your business'. Look, Daniel, is there some reason you're antagonising me, or would I be justified in telling you to get lost?"
"Oh for crying out loud, Jack, don't you have a spare?"
"At home."
"You're on downtime, Jack. Why don't you go home? Then you'll have another set of keys when you get back."
"Can't." Daniel exhaled, exasperated.
"Why not?"
"My house keys are in here," said Jack, knocking his head against the door to emphasise exactly where his house keys were. Why he kept doing it afterwards was anyone's guess.
"You know there's a locksmith in Colorado Springs. You could probably get him temporary access."
"He's out of town 'til Friday, I already checked."
"But today's…"
"Next Friday."
"Ouch. If you want, I could get Teal'c. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to bash the door in. Of course, then anyone could just walk in and…"
"Go away, Daniel, I'm really not in the mood."
"Bu…"
"Danny, with all due respect, leave me alone."
"Fine," he said, raising his hands in defeat and walking away. "Don't say I didn't try to help."
Jack sighed. And started banging his head against the door again.
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Daniel peered into Sam's office. He was expecting her to be sitting at her desk as usual, probably in the midst of some important calculation or other. Instead, she was slumped over her desk, banging her head repeatedly against the work surface.
"What is it today with people and masochistic tendencies?" Sam looked up.
"Oh, Daniel. Sorry, I didn't hear you."
"Must be the resonance," he muttered under his breath. "Why are you doing that?" She looked confused for a moment.
"Doing what?"
"Banging your head on the table?" She shrugged.
"Helps me think," she explained. "So did you find Colonel O'Neill, yet?"
"Uh… yeah."
"Did you give him his keys back?"
"No… he's busy just now. I'll give them back later."