A/N This idea has been floating around in my head for a while now and I thought it might be a good idea to work with and turn into a multi chapter.
….
A beam of bright light cascades through the half drawn curtains of her bedroom window, causing the brunette to scrunch her nose at the unwelcome intrusion, her body protesting as she begins to rile from her sleep. She stretches her long, pale limbs, her muscles contracting as she buries her face into her pillow, not yet willing to welcome another day.
Alex groans audibly as she stretches her right arm, fingers fumbling for the glasses located on the nightstand, her head throbbing intently under the weight of last night's heavy drinking session, the empty bottles that litter her room evidence of the familiar ending of the night before. The taste of liquor still taints her tongue, a knowing betrayal that she had allowed herself to give in once again to ease the pain that coursed through her body, never failing to make itself known.
Finally locating her glasses, Alex raises her head from the pillow and slips them onto her face before turning onto her back and squinting her eyes as she attempts to blink the world into a clear view. She runs a hand through her long black hair, sighing deeply as she glances towards the clock radio, the digital display causing her to mutter a loud 'fuck' as she throws the covers from her body, the realisation that she was late with her lunch meeting with her friend very much present.
Ignoring the traitorous pounding in her head, Alex searches through her unkempt room in search of fresh clothes, the mess across her apartment paralleling the mess she knew, but failed to acknowledge, her life had become. It was deeply rooted instinct for Alex to ignore her problems, to find solace into alternative measures she knew would allow her to be taken away from the heartache she felt, her typical badass persona allowing everyone but her best friend to be shielded from the truth.
Selecting a pair of discarded black jeans and white V-neck from her floor, Alex quickly changes, all the while ignoring the sinking sensation that always resurfaced as her body and mind began to sober and remember her reality, a reality she hated dearly.
She stomps through her apartment, groaning as she slips on her leather riding jacket and searches for her keys, muttering a quick 'thank you' to herself as she quickly locates them on the trestle of her kitchen. Grabbing her black motorcycle helmet, Alex gives one final glance at the clock telling her how late she truly was, before exiting her apartment and into the hallway beyond.
…..
"You're late," Nicky states firmly as she watches Alex approach, her questioning eyes following her best friend's rigid form as she sinks into the booth opposite her, the brunette's attention quickly turning to the small menu in front of her.
"Sorry, traffic," Alex mumbles as she feels the wild haired woman's gaze remain fixated upon her, silently scrutinising her slightly unkempt appearance with a heavy sigh, signalling what she knew.
Nicky momentarily frowns, the image that was presented in front of her far from the Alex Vause she always knew, the last few months proving to have been too difficult of a strain upon her best friend of over ten years. Alex and Nicky had always been close, ever since becoming unlikely friends in their later teenage years, their friendship something that naturally remained true as they grew. Nicky knew Alex better than anyone, the brooding brunette the only person whom she truly trusted as they freefell through life. Because of all this, Nicky knew that Alex was suffering despite her friend's best efforts to keep it hidden and she knew something needed to be done in an effort to stop Alex from spiralling.
Alex needed a push in the right direction and she was there today to give it her.
They order their food, Nicky making small talk as she prepares her plan of attack, not truly knowing how best to approach the situation. Nicky shuffles her food around on the plate, this clear action of ill comfort not going unnoticed by the brunette who studies her friend closely. It made Alex curious, Nicky usually never one to shy away from being blunt and to the point, no matter how much trouble it would get her into.
Nicky takes a deep breath, her eyes meeting green curious ones. "So, I was thinking," Nicky begins.
"Uh oh," Alex laughs, shooting her best friend a wide, smug smirk, it lessening as she sees the slight unease on the woman's face.
Nicky fidgets nervously with a napkin by her hand, her eyes darting away from Alex's face before she takes a deep breath, the brunette all too aware that her friend was about to discuss something she didn't like. Nicky reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small card and places it upon the top of the table, the brunette's expression unreadable as she glances down.
"Nicky…." Alex begins as she makes out the distinct letters that spells 'therapist' on the cards face.
"I know what you're going to say," Nicky cuts in, having expected this response. "You don't think talking to some stranger is going to be helpful. You think it's a waste of your time and money."
Alex nods in agreement, she felt every single one of those things and had informed Nicky of this month's prior when her friend had attempted to bring the conversation to light. Nicky was right, Alex never believed in the use of a therapist, feeling as if doing so made her appear weak and not in control, something she always insured she appeared the exact opposite.
Alex shakes her head firmly, already attempting to enact her defences.
"Please Vause, at least humour me," Nicky says as she stretches her hand across and offers Alex the business card. "I heard she is really good," Nicky continues as Alex reluctantly takes the card from her clutches and studies its face, her eyes focusing upon the name printed upon its front before her eyes fall back upon her friend.
"You heard?" Alex questions with the raise of her eyebrow, a slight smirk playing upon her lips as she queries why on earth her friend would know anything about the therapist.
"Okay, maybe not heard directly, but all her google reviews seemed pretty positive," Nicky offers with a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders as she reaches for another fry on her plate, stuffing it into her mouth as she avoids eye contact with the brunette.
Alex laughs loudly and shakes her head. "So, you selected a potential therapist for me based upon some random people's reviews on google?"
"Well, yeah," Nicky says through a mouthful of food. "Last thing you want in some creepy old dude who spends the whole session staring at your pillowy tits," she adds in an effort to ease the situation into a more comfortable tone, fearing Alex may become extremely averse to her suggestion. Nicky knew Alex well enough to know the idea of a therapist was not her thing, hoping that she could ease the brunette into it lightly.
Alex laughs again much to Nicky's relief, shaking her head slightly as Nicky smiles warmly back towards her, having rarely heard the brunette laugh over the last few months. "How considerate of you, Nicky" Alex says playfully as she shoves the card inside her jacket pocket, attempting to put the prospect of therapy at bay.
Alex had no intention of doing more than discarding the car in her waste basket upon her return home, the prospect of attending therapy laughable in her mind.
"Please, just at least think about it Alex," Nicky says, suddenly serious, something which was rare. "I just think it could really help."
"I'm fine, Nick," Alex says half-heartedly, knowing that the words were anything but truth, Nicky as usual, able to see straight through her lie.
If she allowed herself to be truthful with herself, Alex knew she was anything but okay, drinking herself into oblivion each night alone in her apartment as a way of coping and distancing herself from the darkened thoughts that always seemed to occupy her mind, a constant reminder of what had happened.
"You're not fine, Alex," Nicky states firmly, the loss of the brunette normally quirky and playful nature over the last few months evidently notable to those who knew her. Alex was different and it certainly wasn't for the better, it as if she was missing a piece of her that subsequently ensured she would be devoid of happiness.
"Please, just go to one session, that's all I am asking. If you hate it, I'll drop it and never bring it up again, I promise," Nicky implores in an effort to get the brunette in front of her back on track to a path that was far less destructive than the current.
Alex sighs and chews her lip thoughtfully before rising from the booth and pulling a twenty from her pocket and dropping it onto the table. "I'll think about, okay?" she states casually as she bends slightly and collects her helmet from the padded seat below, hoping to avoid further discussion as it could lead to a topic more sensitive.
Nicky gives Alex a questioning look, as if not quite believing her. "She wouldn't have wanted this to for you," she says quietly, watching as Alex's eyes flicker down, hiding the guilt and wave of emotion that was hidden beneath, like she always did when the topic was brought to the surface.
Even all these months later, the pain was still fresh. The guilt and shame still as palpable as the day it took place. Alex lived with the blame, the onus that it had been her fault, the suffering she put herself through each day acting as the punishment she felt she should endure. It was her fault. Her pain to live with. And Nicky didn't seem to quite understand that.
"I'll see you later," Alex says quickly, attempting to keep her tone as casual as possible. She knew Nicky hadn't done it on purpose, however, it didn't stop the pain from being any more real. Alex Vause wasn't an emotional person, never had been, yet there was always one thing that could bring it out of her and that one thing just happened to be the cause of all her pain.
Nicky attempts to disguise her frown before nodding her head, now only hoping that the brunette would be willing to make the decision and explore the opportunity of seeking some help in sorting out her thoughts in an effort to move forward from what had happened. It was clear to her, that her best friend was still hurting and needed someone to help herself ease that pain.
Exiting from the diner, Alex strides towards her bike, zipping her leather riding jacket up as she goes, and quickly swings a leg over the bike and settles upon the seat. Flipping her hair backwards, Alex shoves the helmet upon her head before kicking the bike to life, the familiar hum of the engine soothing to her as she pulls away from the kerb and onwards to her next destination, in seek of her favourite liquid poison to help melt the demons away that her short conversation with her friend had led to arising.
….
Sliding her key into the lock, Alex shoves her apartment door open with her shoulder and steps inside, ignoring the loud bang that ricochets throughout the low lit apartment as the metal door crashes heavily into the wall. Walking over the threshold, Alex kicks the door shut with her boot and quickly deposits herself upon the old couch in the centre of her small living room.
Leaning forward, Alex places the newly purchased bottle of whiskey upon the small wooden coffee table situated at her feet and sinks into the leather of the couch, huffing audibly as she tilts her head towards the ceiling above, shutting her eyes tightly as she attempts to stop the tears that were threatening to fall as a result of the unwanted reminder of the loss she had caused.
Like always, Alex forces herself to not give into the brewing emotion from within, the immense guilt that riddled her causing her to block herself from moving forward, accepting the fate she had been dealt as a direct result of her actions.
To Alex, she deserved this. To suffer through her days and nights with the constant thoughts of that night's event plaguing her troubled mind. This was her punishment and Alex had long accepted that.
Sighing as she blinks back the tears in her eyes, Alex drops her head forward and runs a shaky hand through her black tresses, her eyes darting forward and fixating upon the unopened bottle in front of her, swiftly focusing upon her chance at a short escape from the darkened mess that had become her entangled and complicated life.
Leaning forward, she catches the neck of the bottle between her fingertips and twists the cap from the top, promptly taking a much welcomed sip, a familiar burning sensation quickly arising as the liquid travels down her throat. Alex nurses the bottle between her hands as she once again sinks back into the couch, her mind playing over the previous conversation, or rather intervention, with Nicky at the diner.
Alex had been friends with Nicky for many years, the wild haired woman having come to earn the title of Alex's closest companion, the brunette's eccentric best friend. Alex rarely allowed people in, her mother and Nicky having been the only ones who the brunette had allowed the penetrate through her firmly constructed walls, walls in which she hid behind in an effort to protect herself from the pain she knew the world could offer, a pain that was now all too familiar burden.
Although it had been some months, Alex had yet to progress forward and continued to remain focused upon the deep riddled guilt which remain firmly rooted in her life. Alex wasn't forgiving by nature and that had resulted in her remaining heavily tilted in allowing herself to accept anything but pain as a result of her own actions.
Taking another sip from the bottle, Alex reaches into the pocket of her leather jacket, her fingers closing upon the small card located within before pulling it out and raising it in the air, level with her questioning green orbs.
She holds the business card between her fingers, examining it with great distaste as she brews over Nicky's earlier intervention, unsure of what the best course of action was to ensure that such unwanted conversation never arises again, wanting to shut out any future interference with her current coping mechanism as she attempts to swallow the guilt which existed within.
She studies the plain, black printed name which is scrolled across the top uppermost of the card, scoffing slightly as she allows herself to picture a face to the name, the image of an aging, grey haired, immensely unattractive woman immediately coming to mind as she studies the foreign woman's accreditations.
She sighs deeply at at the thought of punching the number into her phone to schedule an appointment, knowing that without Nicky's pleading, she wouldn't even consider this as an option, the thought of telling her problems to someone something nothing short of ridiculous. Alex was a strong minded person, always had been, and for her this felt weak, that she was finally allowing herself to admit her wrongs. She expected judgement, for her to be told that what happened was her fault, that what she felt was her punishment which she felt she should accept. Her pain was hers to receive, to live with each day and be reminded.
Alex strongly believe she needed no help with her grief, having felt she had learnt to adapt and manage her anguish through means she deemed appropriate given the circumstances. Yet despite all this, she could not avoid this deep nagging feeling that perhaps, just maybe, this was something she needed to do. Almost as though she was being pulled to make the call to set up an appointment.
It's perhaps the first time Alex as ever been impulsive, to do something that seemed uncalculated and so unlike her. Through the help of Nicky and the internal voice from within, Alex listens as the phone attempts to connect, stopping herself from hanging up after each ring, pushing herself outside her comfort zone for perhaps the first time in her life.
She sighs after she has ended the call, having scheduled a meeting through the woman's receptionist. Alex sinks back into the leather of the couch and takes another long swig from her bottle, cradling it in her hands as she returns her focus back to the uninteresting ceiling above, mentally starting the process of preparing herself for something she never would have dreamed she would be doing.
For tomorrow she would meet this woman. This…
Piper Chapman.
….
A/N Worth continuing? Please let me know what you think.
Mrosse38