This fic is purely angsty fluff, written after my having attended several nasty funerals in a short span of time. Fair warning.

"Search for the answers I knew all long

I lost myself, we all fall down

Never the wiser of what I've become

Alone I stand a broken man…"

-Breaking Benjamin

Joker's voice sounded over the comm: "Brace for evasive maneuvers!"

The ship lurched and shuddered with the impact from the blast. Sparks and flame erupted from nearby bulkheads as the Normandy was put under fire. Kaidan swore under his breath as he grabbed his helmet and ran.

Running through the crew deck was an obstacle course of fire and death. Friends and colleges littered the floor and the smell of their burning flesh filled his senses. Kaidan didn't stop to think, just slipped on his helmet and kept making his way to her.

"Shepard!" He yelled above the sound of roaring flames and groaning bulkheads.

"The distress beacon is ready for launch."

"Will the Alliance get here in time?"

Another violent shudder caused him to fall into her. He used the momentum to shield her from another burst of sparks from the nearby console. She helped him to his feet and as he steadied himself she pressed a fire extinguisher into his hands.

"The Alliance won't abandon us. We just need to hold on! Get everyone onto the escape shuttles."

Kaidan began putting out the nearby blaze, adrenaline pulsing through every nerve. "Joker is still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He turned, rebellion smoldering in his eyes. "I'm not leaving either!"

His commanding officer made her way back to him and took the extinguisher from his hands. "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." Another explosion knocked Shepard away from him.

Time slowed as he hesitated. Every instinct he had learned to rely on since joining the Allicance screamed that this was wrong. He could not leave her on the burning death trap that had been their refuge minutes ago.

"Kaidan, go." Shepard looked over her shoulder. Time froze. "Now." He could feel the intensity of her gaze even through the tinted visor of her helmet. Military training forcefully overrode Kaidan's instincts as he reluctantly turned and made his way toward the shuttles.

When the small craft finally landed Kaidan was the first to set foot on Alchera. Garrus was the second. As the crew poured out of their shuttles every face looked to the sky. Burning chunks of the Normandy plummeted into orbit along with the rest of her shuttles. Some of the crew simply stared in mute terror, some could be heard sniffling inside their suits, and others simply scanned the wreckage with dazed eyes.

The acting CO took a deep breath to calm the raging storm of anxiety in his gut and went to work. Slipping on his "soldier face" Kaidan began organizing the crew while Garrus and Liara assisted Dr. Chakwas with checking the survivors for injuries. Tali and engineer Adams made their way to an area free of debris in order to set up a homing beacon, Wrex stalking behind them with his rifle at the ready.

Kaidan watched the sky anxiously for any sign of the final shuttle that would be carrying Shepard and Joker. He had been counting the pods, knowing that six of the seven were already accounted for. However as each minute crawled by the lieutenant felt his calm façade slipping.

"Kaidan!" He heard Garrus call to him from the other side of the makeshift camp they'd begun erecting around the locator beacon. The Turian was pointing skyward to the west of the camp where Kaidan spotted the shuttle as it made contact with the planet on the far side of a snowdrift. He dropped the pad in his hand and ran.

It seemed to take an eternity before the man was finally over the drift and looking down on the rapidly cooling shuttle. He could hear Garrus barking orders and rounding up medical assistance. They all knew the decent would've been hardest on Joker.

Kaidan entered the code to open the doors of the shuttle. When they hissed open it took a moment for the lieutenant's adrenaline fueled brain to understand what was wrong. Joker sat in the only occupied seat with his head in his hands. He looked up but when he saw who had opened the door the man squeezed his eyes shut and put his head down again.

When it struck him why the shuttle looked so empty Kaidan felt his heart stop. "Joker..." he forced out. "Where...?"

Joker did not say a word, simply shook his head.

Kaidan stumbled away from the shuttle, away from the confused looks of Garrus and his rescue team. He walked to the other side of the nearest snowdrift where a large piece of the Normandy stood out of the frozen ground. The lieutenant put his hand against the hull of her ship and slowly sank into the snow as his heart shattered in his chest.