Title: Avenger's Anatomy
Category: Avengers
Pairing: None, well Clint/Natasha in passing
Rating: T
Summary: Tony and Bruce argue over who in the team is McSteamy and who is McDreamy, all the while eating blueberries. NO SLASH
Notes: McDreamy and McSteamy are Grey's Anatomy references. For those who have never watched Grey's Anatomy, it was the running joke that Mark Sloane was McSteamy, because he was the playboy, SUPER SEXY (the towel shower scene OMG) and fucking everything that walks and he was good at picking up random women and making their panties drop at the snap of his fingers. Derek Shepard was McDreamy, he was calm, cool collected and suave and a super romantic committed for love kinda guy.
Owen used to be badass before he turned into an idiot, and Addison is McDreamy's ex wife that slept with McSteamy. And Christina is a bonafide bitch.
For the record, I am on team McSteamy :)
Disclaimer: I own NADA. I am high on crack right now after writing this :)
"McDreamy!"
"McSteamy!"
"McDreamy!"
"You are dreaming buddy. McSteamy!"
Tony rolled his eyes before popping another blueberry in his mouth. They had been at it for hours now, and he was not prepared to yield down. He was determined to be right. He was not going to be bested by a man that had serious anger management issues and turned into a diarrhea color rage monster at the drop of a hat, or building on his shoulders. He was going to win this war of the words.
"Thor is McSteamy, plain and simple. I am right, I win you lose," the billionaire proclaimed, passing the bag of blueberries to Bruce. Bruce shook his head, reaching for the treat.
"Thor is too dense to be McSteamy. He's too busy being fascinated by Poptart wrappings and ladybugs to pick up women. I cant imagine him being all Mark Sloaney on all the female agents," the shyer on the scientists reasoned. Tony refused to digest that notion.
"He is a GOD! That fact alone should have the panties dropping. He doesn't need to be all Mark Sloaney because they are all over him before he can open his mouth," Tony retorted through a mouthful of blueberries. Then he shook his head. "And that is a good thing, or else they would realize how dense he is. My IQ drops every time he roars at me."
Bruce cocked an eyebrow at his fellow scientist. "But that hair...it's so golden and Godly. As perfect as Derek Shepard's coif. It's just so dreamy."
Tony sighed, Bruce did have a point. Tony was smart enough to pick up on the secret though. JARVIS had informed him of the Herbal Essence and Pantene Pro-V orders that had frequently been dropped off at the Avenger's Tower.
It was 3 am at that point, and Bruce and Tony had found themselves on the roof of the Avenger's Tower, after explosion number 4 in their lab for that night. They had reached a roadblock in their current experiment that constantly lead to explosions and decided to take a break, mostly because Tony was ready to dismantle Dummy for continuously dousing them with a fire extinguisher with every BOOM. Now they sat in the oversized beach tanning chairs with a mini cooler of beer and a ridiculous amount of dried blueberries.
"And he probably isn't all that dense," Bruce added for good measure, "he probably sleeps with all the goddesses up there is Asgard."
"And goats, and fairybitches and tree-folk. Hercules 2.0." Tony joked, which earned him a gasp from Bruce, but was followed by a chuckle as well.
"Do we really have nothing to do, to a point where we are talking about Thor humping halflings?" Bruce dared asked.
Tony gasped loudly and feigned offense. "Doing nothing is very, VERY hard to do Dr. Banner! You never know when you are done. Its exhaustingly hard work." A hand against his arc reactor was added for dramatic effect.
"Then you clearly are the hardest working person on the planet," Bruce muttered. A blueberry bounced off his forehead at the comment, Tony's eyes narrowed on him.
"And besides," Bruce continued, wanting to stay on topic, "Thor seems like the kind of guy that would stay friends with his ex. That is definitely not a Mark Sloane move. He is so McDreamy."
"You know, I could never understand that." Tony fidgeted a bit in his seat as if he was uncomfortable with Bruce's statement. He took a swig of his beer before he spoke. "The whole idea of staying friends with your ex. Thats like kidnappers wanted to stay in touch after they let you go," Tony exclaimed. Bruce rolled his eyes at that. Tony was after all the self proclaimed "playboy" and commitment wasn't really his forte. He would never comprehend how Pepper puts up with it.
"Anyway, next guy. We aren't going to agree on Thor anytime soon," Bruce said.
Tony nodded. "Bird brain, go!"
"Clint is McSteamy," Bruce said, and Tony practically choked on his beer when his brain registered Bruce's answer.
"You're kidding right?" Tony sputtered before wiping his mouth with the back of his shirt.
"What? He's all rugged and has the spiky hair," Bruce nonchalantly stated. Tony was not amused by his reasoning.
"That damn feathery hawk has precision, he never misses a shot. Clearly that is more like neurosurgery thus he is McDreamy," Tony muttered through a mouthful of blueberries. The bag was passed on to Bruce, who filled his mouth as well.
"But Clint is badass, more than the rest of us, even you." Tony threw another blueberry at Bruce's head. "And thus he is cool, cool like McSteamy."
"But Clint has the woman! He's Derek Shepard!" Tony screamed.
"Are you saying Natasha is Meredith?" Bruce enquired, to which Tony's face dropped.
"No...Nat is hardcore, and scary, and just plain bleh," Tony said, "She's Christina a.k.a. McBitchy."
Bruce had to chuckle at that. Natasha was intense, that was for sure. But Natasha was also obsessive about proving she was the best, and she was damn scary in the process. Yes, Natasha clearly was Christina, in every sense. She even was a foreigner in the United States.
"So that makes Clint like Owen then?" Bruce dared ask.
Tony nodded. "But than the question remains, is he badass Owen or pussy Owen?"
They were both silent for a moment, as they contemplated their options.
"He's too afraid to piss off Natasha.I'd fear for my life as well if I was in his position," Bruce mumbled.
"That settles it then. Bird Brain is McSnooty." Tony and Bruce clinked beer bottles at that.
"What about Steve?" Bruce chirped in.
Tony arched a brow. "He's a virgin."
"Your point?" Bruce questioned.
"Well a virgin can't be McSteamy." Tony scoffed.
"And he's stubborn."
"Socially retarded."
"Awkward around women."
"Borderline autistic in the modern age."
"Odd sense of fashion."
"BORING!"
"Moral."
"Whimpy."
Bruce and Tony both looked at each other. "He's George." they simultaneously stated. They clinked beer bottles and downed some more blueberries.
"So we got McSnooty, McBitchy, George-," Bruce began, counting on his fingers.
"McWhimp," Tony interjected. Bruce rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Phil?" Bruce asked.
"McMommy."
"Maria?"
"McStick up her ass-y"
"Fury?"
"McEye of Sauron-y"
"Geez, do you ever grow up?" Bruce dared ask.
A burp came out of Tony's throat. "You know you are grown up when you realize that Shaggy from Scooby Doo is a weed smoker always high as a kite that talked to a dog and ate all the time because he had the munchies."
Bruce growled at that. Tony always had a smart ass answer for everything.
"You need to curb that short temper of your buddy," the arrogant bastard stated.
Bruce scoffed. "I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit."
Tony chuckled. "Is that your Natasha's impersonation?"
Bruce nodded. "Did I nail it this time?" to which Tony nodded and burst into laughter again.
"We still haven't decided on McSteamy and McDreamy," Bruce pointed out. Tony sat up, his legs on either side of the lawn chair, his elbows resting on his knees. he was silent for a moment, before he spoke up.
"Well, McDreamy did the McNasty with McHotty," he stated. "That Mcbastard!" Bruce teased. Tony gave him the finger.
"And obviously Pepper is McHotty, so therefor I am McDreamy." Tony raised his arms as though victorious in battle. Bruce started laughing.
"Are you telling me I am McSteamy?" Bruce managed to sputter though his laughter. Tony gave him his best dragqueen wink.
"The way you turn all sexy when turn all green, it would even make my panties drop," Tony teased. He narrowly missed the beer bottle that was aimed for his forehead.
"We still haven't figured out where Thor fits into all this," Bruce pointed out.
Tony sighed and plopped himself back down on the chair.
"Let's start over then," he groaned, reaching for another beer.
"Blueberry?" He outstretched a beer and the bag of blueberries to Bruce.
Yes, I am on crack. Review :)