Cake for the Professors
Late one Saturday afternoon, I decided that I really wanted to make myself a cake and some potatoes. I mean, I know both recipes very well, having recreated them so many times. They're just sitting there gathering dust, I should put them to use again. I should also make them because I am craving them now. Especially the potatoes.
As I made my way down to the kitchens, I contemplated the book I just finished reading. Stumbling around blindly, waiting for my eyes to readjust from the sunlight, I accidentally ran into Professors Snape and McGonagall. Finally recovering my eyesight, I apologized. "I'm extremely sorry, Professors, but by Mahâl, my eyesight is horrible. I have to wait for my eyes to readjust after sitting and reading in the sun for so long and I'm blind as a bat without my glasses. My eyesight would be considered bad, even in Erebor, where almost everyone is nearsighted. MIERDA. I am rambling again. Aren't I?"
"It was an accident and, yes, you are rambling. But everyone is going to do that at some point in their lives," acknowledged Professor McGonagall. "But what on earth is Mahal? And, on that note, what is Erebor and what does mierda mean?"
"I would also like to be enlightened as to what they are," interjected Professor Snape.
Slipping into lecture mode, I responded, "Well, you see, Mahâl is the Valar that created the dwarven race in Tolkien's Middle Earth. And, before you ask, the Valar are the gods of Middle Earth and the Maiar are the wizards. Continuing on, Erebor is also known by many as the Lonely Mountain and there are two songs about it, 'Misty Mountains' and the 'Song of the Lonely Mountain.' It was the mountain of Durin's Folk until it was invaded by Smaug the dragon. Erebor is the mountain that Thorin's Company and Bilbo Baggins are trying to reclaim. The company is called Thorin's Company because Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, is the rightful King Under the Mountain and Fíli and Kíli are his sister sons, or nephews. Bilbo is there because Thorin asked Gandalf to find a fourteenth member for the adventure and Bilbo just so happened to be Gandalf's choice. And he was a rather good choice, too. If I say so myself. But there was so much unresolved sexual tension between Thorin and Bilbo," looking at their shocked faces, I hastened to my third answer. "As for your third and final question, mierda is Spanish for fuck."
Gobsmacked, they both stood there silently for a solid minute. Professor Snape was the first one to come around. "I loathe having to do this, but. . . Ten points from Slytherin for swearing."
Just then, Professor McGonagall shakes herself from her stupor and replies, "But, twenty points to Slytherin for being cunning enough to do it in a different language. Also, what was that thing you said about sexual tension? You should not know anything about that yet."
"Um, about that. . ." I stammered as I awkwardly scratched my neck. "I am what is called a fangirl. This means that I am particularly obsessive over a particular book, movie, character, person, etc. When you become attached to a particular fandom, or community of fans, you develop what's called an OTP, or one true pairing. It is who you think should have gotten together above all else. I just so happen to think that Bilbo and Thorin would have fallen even deeper in love with each other and that Bilbo would have eventually been Thorin's Consort Under the Mountain and been accepted by the rest of the dwarves as well." Now red and embarrassed, I start to speak even faster, "There are actually many stories that focus on that sexual tension and they do get together and do unspeakable things to each other and they have children together and why am I telling you this?"
Thoroughly embarrassed now, I began to turn away when Professor Snape barked, "No. You will listen to what I have to say. Professor McGonagall and I teach in a school full of rowdy and hormonal teenagers. We are quite familiar with students experimenting with their sexuality. . ., "
"Oh, come on, Severus. Do stop wasting time."
"Fine then, Minerva. If you want to stop wasting time, you tell her."
"Very well, then, dear Severus." Professor McGonagall sighed and turned to me before saying, "What our embarrassed Potions Master is trying to say is that us teachers are here for a reason. If, at any time, you feel that you need to talk to someone about anything, you can come to us. Overall, you are the favorite student of all of us teachers. There is a reason for that, you know."
As she finished speaking, I blushed an even deeper shade of red and murmured, "Oh, um. Thanks? But I really have to get going. I've things to do, places to go, and people to see." As I turned and walked away, I shouted over my shoulder, "See you around, Professors."
Striding down the corridor, I berated myself. "Why did I say that? How could I be so stupid? What on earth possessed me to basically lecture two professors? TWO PROFESSORS. I need to get out more and practice my social skills, if that's how bad I am with two professors I know well and enjoy having. I couldn't even look them in the eyes. Eh, whatever. They always say that hindsight is twenty-twenty."