Terrible Homestuck Parody

by toyahakira

Okay, before I begin the summary. This isn't done and I'm not exactly sure where it's going so don't judge me. A boy sits in his room on August 12th 2017, his name happens to be Purtux Agzeqe. It was his birthday and he was messaging his friends. He runs into a couple of mishaps on the way to one of their houses and insanity ensues...

Your name is Purtux Agzeqe.

You are a human, at least you think you are. You were born like a human, you didn't come out of an egg or out of someone's mouth. Well I don't think anyone comes out of a mouth. That only happens in Dragonball Z. A show you very much like, you have multiple posters of such in your room.

You spend a lot of time watching shounen animes. Specifically Dragonball as just mentioned. You'd like to think you're quite knowledgeable, at least in terms of anime. You don't only watch shounen anime though, you enjoy other types as well.

You've always wondered why your name was Purtux Agzeqe. You've asked your dad but he had no answer for your entire life. Your friends have normal names like Nico and Cyrus.

You have quite the vocabulary despite your young age, most people your age would have the knowledge of a small monkey. That's probably not the best comparison because some monkeys are quite smart. Either way, your chumhandle is ironicAltruist and you t3nd t0 pr0n0unc3 y0ur 3's and 0's very carefully.

…

It's a warm summer day, August 12th, 2017 to be exact. It happens to be your birthday, what a surprise. You should probably be outside enjoying the sun but you'd rather stay inside and message your online friends.

They all said they were going to send you a birthday gift but you are yet to receive said gifts in the mail yet. You look out your window to check the mailbox the red flippy thingy is up, does anyone really know what it's called?

You don't want to leave your room quite yet though, you'd rather avoid a confrontation with your dad. It's not that you don't like your dad, you just would rather not. He seems to have a fetish with clowns, you don't know whether or not that's a good or bad thing.

You pull up to your computer, this is where you spend most of your time. Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in contact with you.

You open your chat with niconicoNii. You think his name is quite stupid but you have to deal with it.

niconicoNii [NN] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

NN: nico

IA: why ar3 y0u m3ssaging m3?

NN: nico

IA: i t0ld y0u t0 m3ssag3 m3 lik3 a n0rmal human

IA: ill put y0u 0n th3 tr0llslum if y0u d0nt st0p

NN: Fine fine.

IA: finally

NN: Its not like you speak like a normal human though.

NN: All of your e's are threes and your o's are zeros

IA: h3y

IA: atl3ast i say m0r3 th3n h0i

niconicoNii [NN] ceased pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

That was an awkward encounter. Hopefully you don't have to talk to him again anytime soon. PESTERCHUM is flashing again, it's defiantRiveter

defiantRiveter [DR] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

DR: sup

IA: n0thing much

IA: h0w ab0ut y0u?

DR: i'm fine

IA: g00d to h3ar

IA: n0www whyd you m3ssag3 m3?

DR: i'm bored and need someone to talk to

IA: w3ll im g0ing t0 grab th3 mail

IA: s0 ill b3 back in a s3c0nd

DR: okay see you

DR: bye

defiantRiveter [DR] ceased pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

You feel so popular, you got two messages within only a couple of minutes, of course today is your birthday, but you need to focus on getting your mail. You never know what journeys you could have attempting to get your mail.

You open your door already knowing that you'll be forced into an encounter with your dad. You begin walking down the stairs to the main room. Your dad hasn't noticed you yet, keep going. You get to the front door and unlock it, you do a roll out of the door. You're not exactly sure how it helps you in this journey but you do it anyway.

You open the mailbox and flip down the red flippy thingy. It has two gifts, one from DR and one from NN. You grab them both and stack them in your arms. You begin walking back into your house.

You hear a noise coming from behind you, it's a car engine. OH CRUDLES! It's your dad, you start moving faster to get in your house quicker. You open the door and rush into your room hoping your dad hadn't seen you.

You sit down at your bed and rip into the presents. You open the cards first, it's rude to look at your present first. You open NN's card first. It seems slightly well written.

Hey Purtux!

I've been reading your messages very closely and I put a lot of thought into it so I can get you the perfect gift! But… Now I have to write this letter to you to show that I actually care, well I guess I don't really care about you because you always make fun of me and the way I type. BTW, my name doesn't suck! It's the best name ever to exist in the entire world/universe. I need to stay on topic though, it's your birthday so I should be nice. I'm sure you're aching to open up your gift so I'll cut this short.

Happy Birthday!

That was nice.

Let's open the gift! You rip through all of the stupid tissue paper people add for no apparent reason other than to make it take longer to open the gift. You see a small box at the bottom and immediately know what it is. You pull it out and rush downstairs, wait no!

Your dad saw you, better make a run for it before he says your name. You rush through the front door and run on to the street. You take off the wrapping paper and throw it into the air, letting it fly in the breeze.

It looks like a ordinary shoe box but hohoho, you're so wrong! You lift off the lid revealing your sick new kicks. You've always been asking for these and talking about them and now you finally have them!

These modern shoes known as Heelys are probably one of the most radical things to ever come into existence. You kick off your current shoes and quickly jump into the other ones. Woah! They're even more tubular than you could ever imagine.

You begin rolling down the street slowly picking up speed. Hey, you're already getting the hang of this! You start swerving left and right going down the street.

You need to get back to opening presents, you wouldn't want to forget about your other friend. You skid to a stop and start running up the street back into your home. Then it comes to you, your dad is probably waiting for you to talk to you about some stupid topic like how the baseball game was last night.

You open the door to your house ready for anything… And he's gone, your dad left back to work. Isn't he the best? You close the door behind you and walk up to your room. You look at the other gift wrapped in red, ready to open it up.

You begin ripping through the wrapping paper and lifting the lid off of the package ready to see what he got you. You're not exactly sure what he got you because you didn't really ask for anything other than Heelys.

You pick up the card ready to read.

sup.

hey happy birthday! it finally came and i put a lot of thought into what i was gonna get you. i know you were asking for heelys but as you probably already know Nico got you those already. your present will probably come in handy at some point. if it does let me know, you should use it to tell me. well otherwise i dont have much to say. so, happy birthday!

You begin opening the actual gift. You truly have no idea what he could of possibly got you. You see a small bit of the actual gift and lighten up. It's a brand new PesterPhone!

You press the power button and the PesterLogo appears. You put in your information and the home screen opens. You go to your Pesterchum application and you already have some messages.

defiantRiveter [DR] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

DR: did you open my gift yet?

IA: y3ah im m3ssaging y0u 0n it right n0w

IA: its r3ally g00d

DR: im glad you like it

DR: now you can message your friends from where ever

IA: i figur3d s0

IA: 3ith3r way its r3ally nic3 0f y0u

IA: iv3 alr3ady d0wnl0ad3d s0m3 apps

DR: really? that was fast

IA: w3ll just 0n3

IA: th0ught it was kind 0f an 0bvi0us 0n3

DR: what is it? you're being really suspicous

IA: i d0wnl0ad3d a t3xt fac3 0n3

IA: h3r3 ill sh0w y0u

IA: ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ

DR: that's really cool

DR: i should've kept that phone for myself

IA: ha ha

IA: n0t happ3ning

defiantRiveter [DR] ceased pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

Your new PesterPhone works very well, better than expected. You're Pesterchum application is flashing again.

Well, you don't know if you want to answer just yet. You'd rather avoid talking to him if you can. You ignore your chum and head downstairs for some lunch.

Your dad's still not home so it should be easy. You head into the kitchen and open the cupboard. Dang, there's no food. No wonder your dad isn't home.

You look at your PesterPhone again, NN is still attempting to message you. You give in to the temptation and answer.

niconicoNii [NN] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

NN: nico

NN: nico

NN: nii

IA: what th3 h3ll d0 y0u want?

NN: oh, you actually answered!

NN: im surprised!

IA: w3ll i hav3 n0thing b3tt3r t0 d0.

IA: 0th3rwis3 i w0uldv3 c0mpl3t3ly ign0r3d y0u

NN: that's rude

IA: 0h r3ally?

IA: i didnt r3alis3

NN: ;(

NN: why are you so rude to me! :(

IA: b3caus3 y0ur nam3 is stupid

NN: so what, yours is to

NN: i don't even know what altruist means

IA: g00d, i d0nt want y0u kn0wing

NN: :(

niconicoNii [NN] ceased pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

Hey you got rid of him, congratulations. It's time to celebrate, you open your fridge looking for your birthday cake. You pull it out and toss it onto the table.

It falls over. Dang it. You jump onto the table like an animal and scrape some off of the table. You take it back upstairs with you. You never know it could come in handy later.

You pull up to your computer again hoping to find something interesting. You had a couple tabs open, specifically a 4chan thread. It wasn't exactly interesting but you thought it was funny.

It was a picture with the number 3301, it was funny though because you made it. It truly meant nothing to you, people thought that it was some kind of message or code.

You begin looking through some of the comments. There's a couple of spicy theories but you know that they're all wrong.

There's a comment from someone who goes by PikEarlyEre. He asked you to message him, he has a couple things to say to you.

You message him a simple "Sure". He nearly immediately responds with a link. You read the link out to yourself. " .ca". Hey, it's a real link, other than the fact that it is the name of pokemon it seems normal. He just put a post of his email.

You email him.

.altruist emailed you!

Hey, you wanted to talk to me?

.ere replied to you!

Yes.

.altruist asked to share contact information with you.

.ere let you see his info.

Emailed you.

There you go.

Purtux Agzeqe replied to you.

Uhm, where is your name?

Emailed you.

I don't have a name.

Purtux Agzeqe replied to you.

Oh okay, well do you have a Chumhandle? That will make it easier to talk. Mine is ironicAltruist.

Your PESTERCHUM application flashes. He added you surprisingly quickly, you're not sure if you can exactly trust this guy. You open the PESTERCHUM application and looks at his chumhandle. nostradamusPhantasmic, do you really want to answer him? He seems dangerous. It's too late now anyways, you open your chat with nostradamusPhantasmic.

nostradamusPhantasmic [NP] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

NP: hello

NP: are you here?

IA: y3s! S0rry

NP: oh, hello

IA: 0kay l3ts g3t d0wn to buisn3ss

IA: why did y0u want t0 talk t0 m3?

NP: right

NP: it's not about your post.

IA: 0h r3ally? i th0ught y0u want3d t0 talk t0 m3 ab0ut it

NP: nope. I just thought you would be someone intelligent.

NP: someone I can talk to on equal terms.

IA: i d0nt kn0w if i w0uld c0nsid3r mys3lf int3llig3nt

IA: but sur3

NP: okay well i have a question

IA: lay it 0n m3

NP: why do you type with your e's as threes and o's as zeroes?

IA: it f33ls natural

IA: y0u c0uld typ3 with pound signs as h's and s0 0n

NP: well…

NP: maybe I will!

IA: c00l.

NP: so #ow are you?

IA: im g00d h0w ab0ut y0u?

NP: i'm rancorous

NP: i'm very frustrated wit# a couple people

IA: that d03snt s0und g00d

NP: it's not. These two individuals really s#ouldn't of messed with me.

IA: s33ms lik3 it

NP: sorry for cutting it s#ort but i #ave to go.

IA: its 0kay

IA: s33 ya ar0und

nostradamusPhantasmic [NP] ceased pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

Who knows what that guy's problem is, he seems like he might be nice though. Some people are different then they seem when you first meet them. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" is something your dad says to you a lot. I guess this is a good time to refer to that.

You get up and start out of your room. You haven't seen Cyrus in real life for a while so you guess today is a good day to hang out. You hop into your Heelys and run out of the door. You run to his house as fast as humanly possible. There's a small rock on the sidewalk. You don't notice it until it's the only thing you can notice. You trip over the rock and start falling towards the ground.

You nearly hit the ground. Nearly. Wait, how did you nearly hit the ground? You clearly should've fell over the rock and hit your dumb looking face against the ground. You get back up, somehow… You think about the different people that could've saved you from that fall. No one comes to mind. You turn around to see who helped you.

No one…

You awkwardly continue walking to Cyrus's house. It's not too far away now, you can see it in the distance. You walk up onto his porch and knock on his door. You wait for an answer patiently. The door slowly opens and you get ready for whatever. Cyrus's usually one to pull pranks when you knock on his door.

He jumps out of the door and punches you in the shoulder an uncounted amount of times.

"Birthday beatings!" He laughs it off. You laugh as well, you can't help but laugh when your friends are laughing. "Happy Birthday!"

He smiles while he drags you into his house. You think for a second. Could the person who saved you be him? No it couldn't be.

You walk up the stairs to his room. It's kicked out with some fairly cool things, he's got consoles galore and posters surrounding his walls. He opens a drawer on the side of his bed and takes out his PesterPhone.

"I thought you didn't have one, you seemed quite upset about not having one earlier."

"Oh, I ran to the store and bought one nearly immediately after I said that. I was to jealous to handle myself."

You smile. That's totally a Cyrus thing to do. You remember the event outside and think it's necessary to ask Cyrus about it. Cyrus stands back up and paces around his room trying to think of what it was. He had heard of something recently on the news, where people were being saved from minor threats somehow. "Wait! I know!" He walks over to you and grabs both of your hands, pushing them together and raising you off of his bed. "It must be the deity!"

He runs to his laptop and sits down on his bed. He looks up pictures of this supposed deity. There's a lot of pictures, he looks more like a kid to you but whatever. You sit down and scroll through some of the pictures. One of them stands out to you. It's a picture of what he supposedly looks like but there's a number in the bottom right corner.

3301

You run out of Cyrus's room. "I gotta go!" You open the door and leave his house. You slam the door behind you and start running back up the street. Thousands of messages start flooding in onto your PesterPhone.

nostradamusPhantasmic [NP] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

...

NP: W#AT #AVE YOU DONE

IA: what d0 y0u m3an

IA: im just g0ing h0m3

NP: you told your friend about w#at #appened

IA: what ab0ut it?

NP: the people w#ere i am

NP: t#ey dont appreciate it very muc#

IA: i still d0nt und3rstand

NP: t#eyre enraged!

IA: why sh0uld i car3?

NP: i am a deity!

NP: you dont want to mess with us!

IA: what ar3 y0u g0nna d0 ab0ut it?

NP: screw it. im bringing you up #ere

nostradamusPhantasmic [NP] ceased pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

You're in Skaia. It's not like you know that though, you're just an ordinary human. You look around and see nothing. It's an empty field. "I thought you wanted a word wi-" An explosion of green dust abrupts your speech. It sends you to the ground. Your horn headband doesn't fall off. . . Wait, you're wearing a headband with horns on it? What are you some type of furry, you know what. Forget it.

You get up and squint your eyes trying to see who's in the puff of smoke. There's a slick figure hidden in the smoke. He seems to also be wearing a horn headband. They seem quite a bit bigger than yours, but most of the stuff in Skaia is probably bigger than on Earth. He walks out of the smoke and it disappears behind him, the smoke wasn't even real. It was just an illusion. "Do I know you?"

"Are you serious right now?

"Uhm, yeah. I am being serious. I'm as serious as I can possibly be right now."

He walks up to you with quite a stern look on his face. He grabs you by the neck and slowly lifts you up. He has a quite a firm grip. Is he trying to choke you? Or is he just reallllyy angry? You grab onto his hand and attempt to pull it away from you.

"I am Perxis Fulura, deity of all known human worlds!" He lets go off your neck and shoves his knee into your chest. You fall onto the ground and cough up a bit of blood. You slowly stand back up still holding your chest. He notices your headband with horns on it. "Do you think you're cool or something?"

He grabs the left horn. "What human wears a headband with horns on it." He attempts to lift it off of your head but instead you lift up along with it. He drops you to the ground. "Did you glue them to your head?!" He pulls harder but he pulls you up again.

"These are real, what are you talking about?" He puts you down on the ground and raises his eyebrow.

omniSichuan [BP] began pestering ironicAltruist [IA]

BP: re you serious?

BP: you re lly ren't hum n?

IA: n0

IA: wait

IA: wh0 3v3n ar3 y0u?

BP: look up :P

You look up. There's a figure sporting a cape draped across there back. They begin slowly floating back down to you. They look at you then poke you on the nose.

"You really aren't human!"

"God dammit Pidyam, why do you always poke their noses?!"

"Hey, at least it works!"

"You can clearly see he has horns!"

"You thought they weren't real at first as well!"

"Hmph…" Perxis turns around so he doesn't have to face you or Pidyam. Pidyam smiles and tilts her head.

"This doesn't make sense to me, my dad doesn't have horns." Perxis turns around trying to contain his laughter.

"YOU WERE ADOPTED BAAHAHAH!"

"That's not very funny Perxis."

"Yes it is! It's a disgrace among us to be adopted."

"That's not his fault!"

"Why do you always have to be right!"

He throws his arms into the air like a child. He had already forgotten why he brought you up here.

"Why am I up here again?" Perxis turns around slowly.

"I didn't forget about it."

He was slightly embarrassed and he was blushing. He walks over to you and Pidyam slowly flies away.

"I'll meet you at the temple!"

She winks and disappears in the distance. Perxis grabs your shirt and starts dragging you in the opposite direction. You raise your buttock up. It was scraping against the ground and it hurt quite a bit.

"We'll be there soon, it's not too far away from where you spawned."

"Can I just walk?!"

"Why would I let you walk?"

You let out a sigh knowing he probably won't change his mind and let you walk. Just after you thought that he throws you in front of him. "Keep up."

"O-okay!" You had to run a bit to catch up to him but you started walking at the same pace as him. He was quite a bit taller than you, it was actually kind of embarrassing. You had to look up to even see him. The walk there is quite awkward, there's nothing to talk about, you've never been here before. As you look around you see a strange figure glaring at you. In fact, as you spin around everyone you pass is looking at you!

"I may as well explain why they're staring at you…"

"Yeah, I was thinking about that."

"You're a descendant of some of the strongest warriors from our race. Well the one who raised you at first was quite the odd one…"

"So you're telling me that I'm a figure of controversy."

"If you wanna put it that way, yeah. It's kind of embarrassing to me, you look scrawny but your potential is incredible."

Someone's flying towards you.

"You made it!"

"Yeah it only took us like an hour."

"Wait, an hour has passed?!"

"Yeah, time passes a lot quicker here than it does on Earth." You were quite shocked, it only seemed like 10 minutes. Just got to keep going I guess. "I'm leaving now. You can take him Pidyam." "W-wait a second! I'm not the one who's in charge of him!" Perxis stomps off. He didn't want to bring you here in the first place. Pidyam sighs. "Come with me…" You begin to follow Pidyam. There's nothing too interesting here. You see lots of people still looking at you but nothing too amazing.