Kurt scrolled through his iPod and found the one song that he seemed to relate to these days. He sighed forlornly and clicked play.
Water grey
Through the windows, up the stairs
Chilling rain
Like an ocean everywhere
Kurt wasn't at the best spot with his relationship with Blaine. Blaine had asked out Mr. If-He-And-I-Got-Married-The-Gap-Would-Give-Me-A-50-Percent-Discount Guy. Of course he said yes, who wouldn't say yes to Blaine? They had been going steady for three weeks or so nowadays. Kurt had learned that the McKinley assignment was to pick a song that related to a big emotion currently in your life. Kurt had thought about it, who cares if he's at Dalton? He can still think about stuff!
Don't want to reach for me do you
I mean nothing to you
The little things give you away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
Yup. You heard it right. He means nothing to Blaine. Not that's he's meant much to anyone ever, but this was different. Remember? Just a friend. But on the upside, I'm in love with him and he's actually gay. So we'll call that progress. Or not so much progress. Still heartbroken. Still mad. Still singing stupid Linkin Park songs.
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water I do
Kurt sings along and notices how true this was. Blaine was his mentor, Kurt practically hero-worshipped him. Then Blaine tossed him away like he was disposable. Disposable. It hurt enough to make him want to cry.
Hope decays
Generations disappear
Washed away
As a nation simply stares
Don't want to reach for me do you
I mean nothing to you
The little things give you away
But there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
Kurt kept singing, though the tears starting running down his face were the only things showing emotion that couldn't be covered with a Dalton façade in a minute. His red eyes would take time. But who cares? Certainly not Blaine. And if Blaine doesn't care, then not many other people do.
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water I do
By this point he's just trying not to choke and sob. Kurt slunk down the wall so that he was leaning against the wall, with his knees pulled into his chest and his face pressed firmly into his legs. He finally let the sobs overtake him and let himself have a pity party. He deserves to throw himself a small one.
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under ground now I Now I do
Kurt sometimes wishes he were under ground. He knows it really isn't healthy. But he doesn't cut. He doesn't actually die by suicide. But he thinks about it. Does that make him a bad person? He doesn't think so. But Kurt just wanted something concrete. And the only two things that he knows that are concrete are death and taxes. Taxes didn't take his mind off of Blaine. Thoughts of death somehow did.
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
(Little things give you away)
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
The song came to a close and had Kurt sobbing. In the choir room. Cue the cliche music and the entrance of the person he's crying about. Ironically, Blaine walks into the room smiling widely. He rushed to Kurt's side.
"Kurt?" he asked tentatively.
"What Blaine?" Kurt asked exasperatedly, wiped his eyes and stood up.
"What's wrong?" Blaine asked as he went to pull Kurt into a hug. Kurt maneuvered his way out of the position and looked Blaine in the eyes.
"You're no better than them,"
"Who?"
"Oh don't… don't play dumb Anderson!" Kurt hiccupped, "New Directions. They didn't care even when the bruises were evident. They didn't care when I couldn't sit in a chair as school because my back was covered in yellow, blue, purple and black splotches. They didn't care until I was in a coma in the freaking hospital and then they tried to win me back. And now you don't care until I'm in tears. Over you no less. I'm sure the rest of Dalton wouldn't care until I'm dead by suicide and they've lost a counter tenor!" Kurt was now in a quiet frenzy. He appeared to be having a normal conversation, yet was in a silent rage inside.
"Over me? What did I do?" Blaine's voice was pleading.
"It's not what you did or didn't do. It's what you are doing. And what you don't notice. And who you don't hang out with," Kurt pointed himself at the last line. Blaine blushed,
"Kurt. I feel so bad! But what I've got with Jeremiah, I just feel appreciated around him. I feel... alive, ya know? And I love being around him. And feel bad about not being able to hang out with you. I really do. I'm so sorry Kurt!"
"Look. Since I'm making a fool out of myself let's try for some more. I'm in love with you. You love Jeremiah. Jeremiah loves you. So just factor me out. No one cares that much anyways,"
"Kurt. Of course people care!"
"My birthday was two days ago. Only my Dad sent an e card. That's it. And a phone call from Carole and him. Yup. I'm 'celebrating' with my biological family this weekend. New Directions didn't remember. Neither did any of you guys. See?"
"Just because we missed your birthday..." Blaine started to say before Kurt jumped in.
"Shut up okay! I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! I want you to pick me over Jeremiah. But it's just as much of a lost cause as Finn or Sam. So I don't effing care anymore! So ditch me like everyone else in my life why don't cha?" Kurt turned his back on Blaine.
"Kurt. I want to be friends," Blaine begged.
"How about acquaintances? I can't be close with you now. I might die," Kurt said resigned.
"Okay, I can understand. But you have to talk to me because you can't commit suicide Kurt. People love you,"
"Sure,"
"I love you too Kurt. Whether or not if it's how I love Jer. You're like family Kurt," Blaine placed a hand on top of Kurt's and squeezed. Kurt jumped slightly.
"Well I never really had a proper one of those and it doesn't look like it's going to start anytime soon. I have to go," Kurt tore his hand away from Blaine's and fled the room.
Grilled Cheesus he was stupid. Telling Blaine? Great? But no suicide. Not now. Not if Blaine considers him family. Because he needs something to clutch to. An idea? An object? A person? Blaine thinks he's family, and it feels better to know he's on okay footing in at least one relationship in his life. Even if that's as good as it's going to get.