So, he went looking for a replacement, when he heard some scissors behind a bush. He crouched down and looked, someone created a portal. There, there was a little girl crying...OLIVIA! Jack didn't care how she ended up as a child there, but he thought she was very hot and protruded a boner, he wanted to RAPE her!
"Mmm dericiousness niggel gilr!" moaned Samurai Jacqueline meanly and lustfully, taking his pants out to RAPE.
He then jumped... and his buckteeth got stuck in a tree!
"Culses!" he said meanly, his head hitting a beehive and exploding it.
Honey and brains were spread everywhere, hitting Jack's hypothalamus so hard that he got an erection and expelled thick ropes of cum. All the cum, brains and honey mixed on the ground to create an evil chinese potion, that healed Jack's head and narrowed his eyes. Now he was fully blind!
"Damn u gods!" Samurala Jack screamed vciously.
Then the sky went yellow and Odin, Ra and Vishnu appeared.
"How dare!?" screeched Odin germanically
"We let evil consume the world so you could be a hero!" cried Ra kemetically
"And you repay us with an insult!" concluded Vishnu vedically
"Fuck you arr you did was to get me hald so you courd stear my hope!" cried Jack impulsively, "Now you wirr DIE!"
Then Jack ripped out his clothes and took out the Blades of Athena from his anus and jumped at the sky. Odin block, but Jack threw one of the blades into his remaining eye. Then Vishnu threw some arrows, but Jack threw his sword and it pierced Vishnu's head, cutting through his brain hemispheres and making him loose control of his bowels, making him expel an ocean of golden, sparkly shit that buried Japan.
At least it was more valuable than platinum.
Jack then resumed his attack on Odin, taking out his sword and slashing through his neck. Then he entered through the severed windpipe and went to the lungs. They were very beautiful, made of the finest cushion and full of sexy valkyries, but Jack was gone, he no longer cared for pleasurable desires, he just wanted vengeance. He punched the bronchi until Odin got histoplasmosis. The norse god coughed bile, and his lips became charred, full of yellow pus with sparkling rainbows.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CEASE THIS TOMFOOLERY AVIAN SHIT EJACULATION!" cried Wodan in pain, but Jack would not cease, blueballs had him by the soul.
Eventually, Ra got bored, so he LASER EYE BEAMS and burned through Odin's chest. The scandinavian god's flesh began to burn under the power of the sun, and Jack was caught in the middle, trapped in the ribs. His skin began to black and be turned into a crisp, his muscles became purple and slid off with boiling mucus, his eyes turned red with veins and popped out in twin fountains of blood, his nails caught fire. Venomous gases inflated and exploded bodily organs, but most concentrated on his penis, which grew with a violent erection.
"Finally it is big!" cried Jack proudly, before his cock flew off like a burst baloon.
Following that, both Odin and Jack agreed to commit suicide, depriving Ra from his amusement.
"No, it is my birthday!" Ra cried pettily.
For it was, indeed, the Summer Solstice, when Jack died and went to hell to be raped by demons with pterosaur anuses for all eternity.
Amen.