Once Upon Another Time
"Angel?… Angel?… Erik?"
It was the sound of her voice that drew me from my hiding place… That voice, so pure and unchanged, still the very same as it had been a few weeks ago, when it left me forever. I stepped out, careful to remain hidden, just enough to catch a glimpse of her. As my eyes fell on her my heart began to palpitate, so much so that I began to fear a heart attack.
Even my infallible mind could not recreate her beauty. The real thing was much too great to be contained by even the greatest of brains. Her hair, though untidy, fell in curls to her waist, caressing her lace robe and the curves that lay beneath it. My blood pulsed ever quicker as I saw the anxiety in her chestnut eyes… Those eyes had never looked so concerned for me as they did now: pleading silently with her angel to reveal himself.
Hesitantly, yet with the utmost longing, I answered in song, my voice floating from every corner of the cellar, "Here is your angel, never leaving. I thought you'd gone forever." Then with a sigh of relief, Christine opened her mouth and song poured out in response:
"Here I am angel, I would never! You are my true constant!"
Ah! That voice! Once again, I was swept away by it's beauty. For as many times as she sang in my dreams, the real thing still made my imagination sound like a grainy replay: nothing compared to the original. Abandoning all fear, I appeared, seemingly from nowhere, right in front of her. She did not show any surprise, for she was well used to this trick. Facing her, I smiled.
"I didn't think you would come… Your… fiancé seemed less than happy at the request." My lips rose in a smirk in spite of myself.
Her lovely eyes met mine, "There is nothing… no one who could have prevented me." Her smile blazed through me as she continued, "I was afraid that you wouldn't be here. Silly, I know, since you are always here… And here you are…" She handed me a card, a wedding invitation to be exact. Her handwriting flowed elegantly across the paper, spelling out her upcoming marriage to the young Chagny. Although the message was loathsome, I was glad to have the addition to my ever increasing collection. I took the decorated note from her and put it on the organ. I did not want to hold it for too long, in case the words written on it seeped into my flesh and were imprinted on me forever… reminding me that she belonged to him.
"Thank you." I replied curtly, afraid that my true displeasure would shine through. "I am truly honored that you would defy your love for me." Another smirk crossed my face accidentally.
Christine looked at her feet in embarrassment. She obviously had not told Raoul about the kiss and the revelation we had shared. But she also did not say the truth we both knew: that she loved me more than she loved him.
"Erik…" she started, but I put a finger to her lips. I did not want her to say goodbye or that it was too late for us. I knew these things already and did not need her lovely voice to confirm them, especially not when I would have to hear my own pain reflected in her words. As my finger left her mouth she drew in a long shuddering breath. It was not frightened or timid or any other emotion that I had seen in her before. This breath was desire. A sudden heat began to grow in my core as I began to feel the same pulling need for her. Christine reached up and put her hands on each side of my mask, stroking the cloth and feeling every contour the deformities beneath. Slowly, carefully, she removed the mask and looked at me full in the face, searching, studying every imperfect detail as though she could never get enough of what she was seeing. As she gazed, her hands felt my face and my eyes closed due to the electricity of her touch.
"You don't need to pretend to want this…" I breathed, barely able to phonate through the absolute pleasure I felt at her silky skin. She said nothing but she leaned in, put her head under my chin and her hands moved down to stroke my shoulders and my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, memorizing the plains of her back and waist as though I would never be able to feel them again. As a matter of fact, I wasn't sure I would! So when Christine stepped away from me suddenly, I was sure that it was the last time I would ever lay eyes on her.
"Please…" I whispered. The word had slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. It was not usually in my nature to beg. I made people beg, not the other way around. But this woman in front of me had broken so many of the rules of my nature that I was not surprised that she had tumbled another one. I wasn't only begging her not to go, but also to never stop touching me. I had never felt the compassion of a woman before and if she went, I never would again. Christine's eyes were wide with confusion and another feeling that I could not identify: worry, sadness, maybe even pity… I could't be sure… Once again, she put her hands on me, this time her hands grasped the back of my neck, slowly pulling me in towards the glazed pools of her eyes.
When our lips met, my eyes were still open and, for a moment, we stared at one another, fully knowing the depth of our sin, the circumference of our crimes, not only against Raoul but against nature itself. Such beauty and such gross deformity should never meet, let alone love as we did. We were the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, the innocent ingenue and depraved monster with knowledge that would spoil the Garden of Eden; we were the Red Rose Allah never intended man to know: Christine the pure white rose and I… I was the prying humming bird just curious to know the embrace of that flower. But, after that moment, the intensity of her eyes was too much and my lids snapped shut in pure ecstasy. As we kissed, my lips felt whole and unmangled as they moved with hers in the dance of our passion. This kiss was even fuller than the last as our thoughts tangled in the air above and around us. I could almost hear her mind whirring in worry and in happiness, each emotion overthrowing the last as her brain yelled to empty cellar.
As our mouths furiously danced Christine placed her hands on either side of my skull once more… her hands were trembling and that did not escape my notice. After a few more seconds, her nose brushed the crevice where my nose should have been. Her skin had barely glanced the hole and she started, taking a bewildered step back from me and covering her lips with one hand. As I saw the fear in her face I felt my eyes well with tears… She obviously saw this, for her hand flew from her mouth and she kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry, Erik… I did not mean to draw away… I just did not expect that."
I sniffed unwillingly, determined that my tears not escape me. "I'm sorry that I cannot be perfect like your dearest Raoul." I spat his name and she recoiled once more.
"Erik, no…" she cooed, stroking the bone on my face that should have extended into a nose. "In my eyes you are perfect… and I forget about your defects and it surprises me when they have not disappeared in reality as they do in my imagination. That is all." Her perfect lips lifted to make an innocent smile… Innocent… that's what she was and I… my hands were drenched in the blood of many other men… I was the farthest thing from innocent and yet she thought of me as perfect. Unblemished and beautiful. Equal and deserving of her love.
At that moment, one traitor tear managed to break free from my eye and fall down my skeleton's face. Without missing one beat, Christine kissed that tear away. "Once," she whispered, grabbing my right hand in both of hers. "I gave you my mind, heart, and soul." She took my hand and placed it over her heart. I felt it fluttering beneath her flesh as though she were the humming bird in the Persian tale. "I gave you these things willingly," she continued, "and you never took advantage of them or asked for anything more. You were content with what I gave you. But I was not…" Her eyes took on a new fierceness as she said this, her pupils boring into mine as if she meant to see straight through me. She was not angry, merely determined. This was an unfamiliar quality in the child I had fallen in love with, but it appealed to me none the less. Her hard look was making my heart beat uncontrollably, as though the meter keeping it in rhythm had broken and let my wild nature run free. It seemed as though Christine had the same wildness roaming untamed inside of her now as well. "I was not content with all that you wanted…" she said, her eyes raking every inch of my figure. "I wanted to give you more… But you never asked. And now… I shall give it whether you wish to have it… or not."
My breath had caught somewhere in my throat so it took me a moment to respond. "My dear, I would not presume to take anything from you. As you say, you gave me so much. What more is there that you are willing to give?" For the first time in many years I was able to admit that I was truly afraid. I knew what it was that I wanted from her… but I was not sure whether she would laugh at me if I reciprocated the gesture. The ferocious look on Christine's face softened infinitesimally as she chuckled softly.
"There is indeed more to give…" She slowly lead my hand down to rest on her small yet firm breast. My eyes widened as they processed what was happening. Curiously, but not cruelly, I compressed my hand applying the least bit of pressure to her chest. Her eyes snapped shut, not in pain, but in pleasure as my hand closed slightly and then released. Touching her sent shocks through every fiber of my body, even to parts that had never been stirred before. Christine's doe eyes searched mine and she whispered, "I have given you everything… but my body… My wedding is tomorrow… and I cannot get married without knowing you and giving you all I have. You are the first one that I gave my soul to and I want you to be the first one to have my body as well…"
"But…" I panted, my hands roaming all of her torso now. "What… about… R-" But his name died on my lips as she drew me into another embrace. I could not let her do this… not before her wedding. But it was true, she was the only one I wanted and she was the only one who wanted me in return… I could… not… stop. I slid my hand inside of her robe only to be blocked by her corset. Her hands, now resting on my shoulders, clenched as though she were saying Go ahead, my love… This is yours… So, fumbling, I untied her robe and let it drop to the ground. There she was. So often I had dreamed of how she would be when she finally gave herself to a man. The only difference now is that it was me, not some faceless Figment of my imagination, that would have the honor of having her.
Stepping towards her, I wrapped her fragile body in my arms and started to undo the lacings in the back of her corset, my thin fingers numb with excitement. As the fastenings loosened the numbness spread up my arms and to the rest of my body making me stagger slightly. Christine looked concerned but I quelled that look by grabbing her and, practically lifting her off of her feet, pulling her to my lips. My mouth and hands were hungry, searching… her body was the prey and my new canvas. There she stood: bare and delicate and all mine. I wanted to know it all, touch it all, taste it all. But soon I realized that I had no clue how to go about doing such a thing. I was familiar with the mechanics, living the Roma had taught me about that, but I had no experience with the either the physical or the emotional side of the procedure… In this one instance, Christine and I were on the same plain: we would learn together as we explored the other. Christine drew nearer to me and, silently, she unfastened the buttons of my shirt, rolling it off of me as easily as if it had been water. She took her pointer finger and drew a line from the hollow of my throat down to the waist of my pants. It felt as though her finger was made of fire as it trailed across my icy skin. Before I could recover from the heat, I was standing naked before her. All at once, I was embarrassed. The only woman to have seen me so vulnerable was my mother… But Christine did not seemed phased by the presence of my body. She just looked at me with tenderness, caressing me both with her eyes and her soft nimble hands.
After running her hand down the length of my arm, Christine led me towards and behind the curtain in the corner of the cellar. She and I looked at the bed and then she looked at me, almost expectantly. She was turned to me, her lips half puckered and her body mere inches from mine. I could feel the heat emanating from her exposed flesh. Possessed by something I did not recognize, I put a hand on each of her shoulders and gently prodded her backwards towards the bed. She walked until her legs hit the mattress and then she sat down, scooted back, and laid herself out like a linen dress. I hovered over her, still possessed with a strange madness. For a few minutes all I could do was stare at her, drinking in her pure beauty. Her hair splayed out behind her like silk, dark and contrasting with her alabaster complexion. She was the goddess Aphrodite in all her splendor: her wide, dark eyes, her lips pink and full, her breasts white with dark hard nipples, and the plain of her stomach curved and toned. She was perfection. I kneeled down on the bed next to her and she put her hand on my bare thigh. A tingle shot up my leg and into my core and I gasped, overcome with passion. I leaned down to her and kissed her breasts tenderly and slowly, not wanting to startle her. I could hear the moans catch in her throat and I knew that she was just as embarrassed as I was. This was a comforting thought.
I lay next to her and stroked her hair, shoulder, and arm and we stayed that way for a few minutes. We were silent as I planted small kisses on her. But the euphoria could not last forever for even dreams must end and just as I had been sure that we would have a union, I was sure that what I was doing was wrong and I turned away from her so she did not have to look at my hideousness any longer. Christine saw how distraught I had become and kissed my shoulder blades with worry. "Erik… are you all right? Darling… I thought that you and I were going to be… together…"
Perplexed, I turned to her. "You and I? Together? No. Never! You are betrothed and I… I am a monster! As much I want… you… I can never have you…" I stood up and went to cover my nakedness and shame but Christine caught me by the hand.
"I want it to be you! I don't want to marry Raoul! I came down here to profess my love to you and be here forever." She was crying now, clinging to my skeletal hand.
I could not bare to see her cry so I pulled her to me so that her face was close to my navel. She leaned in and kissed my stomach and embraced me tightly. "Do not fret dear." I sang gently, letting my voice dance through her ears. "You shan't be in anguish… I will keep you… Hold you, kiss you, save you…"
"Do not turn away…" she cried, though even through her tears her voice was pure and sent jolts of electricity up my spine. "Let me be with you always. Let me give you all I am and even more…"
The spell of her voice washed over me and I was helpless to protest. She lay back down on the bed, pulling me with her. For a while we just lay together, our lips enjoying the pleasures of lovers. I spent an eternity just exploring her face and torso with my mouth and then an eternity more kissing from her feet to her hips, basking in every gasp and sigh that issued from her lungs. Then it was her turn, she gazed upon my face and kissed my skull with no apprehension at all. It seemed as though her fears were long gone and would never return. In this bed we were Adam and Eve, naked and perfect to one another and though this union was condemned it would flourish for at least a little while. I just wanted to stay with her this way forever, kissing, laughing, and sighing before heaven. It was the only time that I would be admitted to be anywhere near heaven, considering that when I left this life I would be sent straight to the underworld for my crimes, to which stealing an engaged woman would be added. In any case, Christine was my heaven so I had no fear about the afterlife.
I did not know how long we just held one another but it must have been a great while since the candles all burnt out and it became too dark to see anything. I could not see Christine's face but I could feel her heat, hear her breath, and smell the flowery scent coming off of her skin. Then, in the dark, I felt her hand searching for something. "Give me your hand." she whispered. I put my hand in hers and she put it on her stomach and then slowly lead it down, down… My stomach dropped and a new heat ignited within me… Once again, I thought I should not take her… She will leave in the morning to be married and be soiled by a monster and shame… But still I did not want to stop. I wanted her… Every part of her…. and that is what I would have. I rolled over on top of her and, after a little searching in the dark, kissed her breasts again. Every time I felt them they seemed to taste sweeter just for me. In the pitch black I heard Christine's gasp.
"Do not worry love…" I reassured her. "It's just me…" A sigh issued from her and my heart quickened as I hovered over her. I could almost hear the anticipation of her heart it was beating so loud. She put her hand on my face as if to say It's all right Erik… Take me… We will explore together… I rest my forehead against hers to respond I'm frightened… and I was. Frightened to disappoint or to hurt her. I felt the slightest pressure on my face and I knew she was saying Don't be… and because of that touch I wasn't afraid anymore. I was ready… I was going to take her and in doing so, give myself. There was one last second where all I did was hover in the dark and then…
We collided.
It was as though the world had exploded and folded in on itself all at once putting Christine and me into a limbo of sparks and electricity. Every touch was pure magic and every movement a symphony… and that first time… I will never forget it… At first I was clumsy and afraid but Christine was just as new at this as I was. We were careful, each trying not to hurt the other. But as we got more comfortable the momentum built until it was too much to bear. The climax was so intense that both of us cried out in pleasure. I collapsed and Christine and I held one another for a few moments.
"Christine, I love you…" I sighed, not even meaning to say it. Of course it was true, but I had let my emotional guard down. I gave my all to her. When I was younger, I never saw the attraction of giving yourself to another in this way. I had been jaded by man and did not intend to give a part of myself to a race that I loathed. But making love with Christine was a completely different world that I found that I liked. If all I did for the rest of my days was make sweet music and love with this woman my life would be complete.
"I love you too Erik…" she replied, kissing my brow. "This could be my whole life and I would never want anything more. Just you and I and maybe a family."
This surprised me. I had never given thought to a family before. I guess I would dislike humans a little less if this union yielded a child… A child of mine, with Christine's looks of course, would be my greatest masterpiece of all… I would be so proud and no one would ever be able to say I did nothing with my life.
We made love many times during that night and every time it was more magical. Our bodies fit so well that it seemed as though we had been made specially for the other. After all those years of cursing God for my body I was finally thanking Him. Thanking Him that I had been made for this amazing young woman. Although I was almost 30 years her senior I had never felt younger or more whole than I did that night as I lay with Christine, taking every part of her for myself and giving her every piece of me in return. I even forgot about my face… that burden that had lain on me since the day I was born. From the moment I entered her, a change began to creep through my being. It made me able to forget the past, stop worrying about the future, and dwell in the present: fully and, for the first time, happily. It was an amazing feeling and I never wanted to let it go. Each caress, each kiss solidified this new nature in me until I had forgotten all about my past aggression against the world. With Christine here, around me, on me, in me, there was nothing I couldn't face. We were one in the same, our skin fused, our bodies mixed, and our voices rose in perfect harmony. Our union continued to shake the stars until Christine finally fell asleep in my arms in the early morning.
I could not sleep that night for the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins like sixteenth notes in an allegretto. I had loved a woman for the first time… and not just any woman… I had loved Christine. In the growing light of the dawn I caressed her sleeping form. Her hair, tousled from our lovemaking, was softer than the finest silk and her snowy skin glistened with a fine sheen of sweat in the lightening room. I looked at my arms and saw that I too was covered in sweat. It was like thousands of tiny crystals imbedded in our skin. Now, if I had gotten to choose my birth defect, that was something I would have liked. I looked back at Christine in time to see her eyelids flutter slightly and her begin to whimper in her sleep. Moved by the sound, I held her close to me. But she did not want to stay put! She kept on wiggling free of me and whimpering more. After fifteen minutes of this routine Christine finally muttered something in her sleep: "No, no," she uttered frantically. "Forgive me Raoul… Forgive me…"
My heart froze. If I had not forced myself to snap out of my shock I probably would have died there and then. She wanted him to forgive her… That meant she regretted what we had done… I had deluded myself into thinking the sparkle of passion between us was mutual when it was only for my part. My loathing for the human race was back with a new fire! Once more, the cycle of trust and betrayal remained supreme. I had loved her! I had given my love to her! I thought she loved me as well… I guess not. I looked towards the sewer window and saw the red dawn slowly changing to full out sunshine. I could not bear to face Christine when she woke up. I did not want to see disappointment and shame replace the love and desire in her eyes. I wished to remember her the way she was before, clinging to me in the night and sighing my name. She would be forever my one and only. This was it. It was time for me to leave Paris forever. I could not stay here while she lived with her husband and their family. I would move somewhere far away and she would never have to think of me or our sin ever again.
I stood up and went out from behind the curtain to grab my mask. As I held it in my hand I realized that this scrap of cloth was the only thing that had stuck with me since my very first day on earth and it would be the last thing that I would ever have. I walked back into the room where Christine slept and gazed at her, the mask still in my hand. She was the only one who could bear to look at me without the mask. I vowed from that time on I would never love another woman or remove my mask for any other human being again. I quickly got dressed to cover my embarrassment then stood over my sleeping love for another minute or two. The sky was getting lighter by the second. It was time for me to be off. Oh, how I ached to kiss her just one last time! But I could not bring myself to touch her… It was too painful. If I had to go the rest of my lifetime without touching her I might as well start now. I put my hand so close to her cheek that I could feel her body heat and then drew away once more. "Au revoir mon amour…" I whispered to the dark. After one last glance, I turned and headed out into the world. Alone…
Epilogue-Christine
I woke with a start. The dream had been so real…
Raoul was yelling, absolutely blind with rage. "How could you Christine? The guests will be here is less than an hour and now you are telling me there will be no wedding?"
Tears streamed down my face, "Forgive me Raoul… Forgive me… But I love Erik. I will never leave him. Never…"
What I had said in the dream was true. I did love Erik more than anything and I could not bear to live without him. I remembered everything from the night before and I did not regret any of it. I could still feel the heat of his body against, in mine and it was wonderful… Until I looked around. I was alone in any empty bed and room and there was a cold finality in the silence that surrounded me. If Erik were still here he would have been playing the organ or sitting next to the bed watching me sleep. But he was not… and even before I walked into the main part of the cellar I knew he was gone. My clothes lay on the ground untouched by the organ but his were nowhere in sight and the mask had also disappeared.
Slowly I put my clothes on, looked around in the silence, and felt tears well in my eyes. I had awoken to swear my love to him and found him gone instead. But that was how Erik behaved. I guess I should have known that this bliss could not last forever. Even so, I could not help but to cry. I loved him… had given my love to him… and he had left… I walked over to the organ and found the invitation I had given him last evening… Raoul was expecting me… Originally I had not planned to show to our wedding but now… I took one last look around the cellar. I would never come here again; there was no reason to. "Au revoir mon amour..." I whispered to the dark. I put a hand on my stomach… Perhaps, just perhaps I would not be alone…