along the yellow brick road
Warnings: Language and Sexual References.
Spoilers: Up to episode 1x17 Bad Reputation. (Kinda) And speculation for what happens next.
Summary: Her journey begins along the yellow brick road. With the one without a brain; the one without a heart; and the one without courage. Rachel-centric. A glimpse into the tug-o-war between F/R, P/R and J/R.
Author's note: So, I actually had this plot bunny before this week's episode, but after watching, my mind kind of went into overdrive, and just wouldn't let it go. I'm a little out of my depth here. I'm usually a P/R writer, but I've tried to honestly and objectively portray F/R and J/R. I hope I managed to do them justice.
Her journey begins along the yellow brick road.
Since becoming a part of Glee Club, things have certainly changed for Rachel Berry. Not that it wasn't time for people to start noticing her from a more positive perspective. Rachel is confident that now her life was right on track, right where she always wanted.
She was going to be a star. And a star always needs her leading man.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
She first meets Finn. He is sweet. And nice. And tall. He's perfect for her in every way, and he is the only male vocal strong enough to carry the lead with her. She can already see their name in lights, side by side, where everyone will be rooting for them and loving them, and no one can say that Rachel Berry is not popular when she's the other half of the ultimate star power couple.
There's only one tiny, small insignificant detail. He already has a girlfriend. Who's pregnant with his child. (Okay, so maybe not so insignificant.)
She doesn't know yet that he's convinced he got his girlfriend pregnant by super sperm in a hot tub, and she doesn't know yet that this unquestioned belief will eventually break him. In fact, she doesn't really know him at all. Yet.
But their relationship is epic. At least that's what she tells herself. Full of obstacles and half truths and pain. And that's the way it's supposed to be. Right? That's the way the most famous of love stories are. Tortured and convoluted and full of longing.
Except her life is not a story. He's not Romeo. And she's not his Juliet. She's not his anything.
She's her understudy; and Rachel can't be expected to wait in the wings forever.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
Puck tortured her for years without remorse. Without regret. Without guilt. She never understands why he hated her so much. (And years later, when they're no longer in high school and life has moved on, she'll ask him, and she'll find out he never knew why either.)
She uses him really. They use each other. Their relationship is born out of a need to get over other people, but out of that need comes something else; it's not love (she's too in love with someone else to forget him so quickly) and it's not friendship.
It's belonging.
For the most fleeting of moments, she can picture a future with him; standing by his side. Rachel thinks she could be happy like that; being on his arm. But then she sees him staring at her. The girl her other love belongs with.
And the timing just isn't right. She needs this to be something more than a replacement. She can't be an understudy for the same girl to two separate guys. And when she's honest with herself, she can't do that to Noah either. He shouldn't be an understudy either. He deserves more. They both do.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
Finn's confused. He always is, but it's worse than usual.
He loves Quinn, and he loves their baby.
But then there's Rachel, with her nice smelling perfume and her pretty smile. And her butt looks really good in those skirts she wears. He kind of likes how he is with her. There's less stress and she's not constantly yelling at him about money and doctor's appointments and ice cream. He can see how much nicer things would be if he was with Rachel. There would be no baby problems, no yelling and no guilt.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
Fuck if he knew what going through this chick's mind. She is crazy. One minute she's all over him like dieting fat kids on twinkies, and the next minute she's pushing him away. He knows that if he just kissed her again, he totally would have made it to second base. She's kind of desperate like that.
But shit. All that bullshit about wanting stuff. Dude, he's a motherfucking badass, and motherfucking badasses don't need shit. Except pussy. So what if he got some chick pregnant, and so what if that chick just happened to be his boy's girl. It's not his fault that Finn couldn't satisfy his woman.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
Finn doesn't know it yet, but he'll always blame three people for the humiliation he felt that day. Puck for being a heartless jerk and sleeping with his girlfriend; Quinn for lying to him and making him feel so pathetically stupid; and Rachel for being the one to make him realise how pathetically stupid he really was.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
Well damn. Life pretty much blows after he get's sucker punched by his best mate. Who knew the dude had it in him? Puck sure didn't. In fact, he doesn't know whether to feel pissed or proud that he was the one who showed Finn how to knock someone out, because it's not like he'd ever been to a fight club meeting. At least he never went when Puck asked.
And shit, now he has this voice in head, that sounds suspiciously like Berry, bitching him out all the time. He tries to tell 'her' he doesn't give a fuck what Finn's feeling, or that he doesn't care if he can hear Quinn crying in the middle of the night. But Berry's voice, not so easy to drown out. Especially when it's in his own fucking head.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
Finn thinks he's dating Rachel. At least he thinks she thinks he is.
And it's cool and all. She's cool. But she talks a lot and most of the time he doesn't understand what she's saying, so it's really hard to keep up, and apparently he's been missing some stuff. Like dates and stuff that they're supposed to go on. But damn, how was he supposed to know that's what she meant by "rendezvous". He wishes she would just speak like a normal person sometimes.
He finds that being Rachel's 'boyfriend' is almost as tiring as being the boyfriend of a pregnant person. At least she's not shouting at him when he forgets stuff. And he's really trying to be into what she's saying, hard words and all, but Finn can't stop his mind from wondering down the hall to another certain girl.
He doesn't miss her. He doesn't. She lied and it's not his fault she always looks so sad. But damn, it's hard to feel all mad at her when her eyes are drooping and her tight grin never quite turns into a smile.
Finn just wishes he could get away from this. He doesn't want to feel so freaking sad anymore, and trying to actually be with Rachel doesn't help. He's just reminded of what happened, and that pretty much sucks. Plus, the guys on the hockey team have been giving him threatening looks now that they think he's dating Rachel; like he's a loser or something. And he just can't deal with being a loser on top of everything else. He can't.
He never does realise that by leaving her to 'find his inner rock star', he's giving up the chance to be with her. Even when she tells him she's met someone else, he doesn't realise he's already too late.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
Jesse St. James is a star. No doubt about it. And he has the confidence (and arrogance) of one too. But Rachel doesn't see that. She only sees his wonderful singing voice, and the way their voices harmonize perfectly together when they sing for the first time.
He's the Tony to her Maria. The Mr. Higgins to her Miss. Eliza. The Melchior to her Wendla. They just fit, and he completely understands her pathological need to be a star. The timing is obviously destined. He finds her just as she's finally ready to move on. It's practically written in the stars. This is her chance for her epic romance, and she going to hold onto it as tightly as possible. She needs to. It's all she has.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
He knows more about her than he'd ever be able to admit. He knows because he was her. Is her. The male version of her, of course. With better hair. He knew the moment he watched her perform that he'd be with her. The covert look his vocal coach sent him the moment her last note vibrated throughout the auditorium told him so.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
It's the weirdest idea ever. So weird he never even thought about it. And he's a guy; he can spend entire afternoons thinking up weird things to laugh about. But Santana offering to take care of his v-problem. That really takes the cake. Hmm, wonder if there's any cake left in the fridge?
He doesn't realise how bad her idea is until the moment after. When he realises it meant nothing to him, and he wishes it was someone else's dark brunette hair spread out on the pillow beneath him.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
She wants it to be him. She really does. But her internal monologue is telling her that it's just not right. Her hair isn't curly enough. The best spread isn't soft enough. And the vanilla candle in the corner is giving her a slight headache.
She can't do it. And he seems to understand. At least a lot better than the last time.
(She never finds out how disappointed he is. Which is more disappointed than even he thought he'd be.)
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
He doesn't understand. Why is he here?
Finn never really thought about what it'd feel like if Rachel ever hurt him. It's just not something he ever thought she could do. But when he finds out that not only is she still dating the enemy, but that dude is now part of New Directions, it just feels like everyone's now deliberately trying to hurt his feelings.
And damn, when he tells the entire Glee club that he just wants to be with her, Finn kind of wishes he'd thought of doing that first.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
She swoons, literally swoons, at his declaration. Jesse is just perfect. He's everything she's ever wanted, and he's doing everything she ever wanted.
She forgets that someone else has already made this declaration. And she forgets that she left that someone for someone else. And she also forgets he's sitting in the same room, holding Quinn's hand in his, as his eyes dart between her and her (new) leading man.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
Jesse knows he really shouldn't find her cute. But he does. He likes the little scrunch of her nose as she belts her heart out during a ballad. He likes the matching freakishly doctored puppy calendars she makes for them. He even likes the knee socks and her strange affinity to sweaters with animals on them.
He also knows that when it comes, he's going to break her. And he won't care.
(At least that's what he's trying to convince himself.)
.-.-.
The one with the ruby slippers.
Rachel loves having a boyfriend. But that Glist just made her realise that she seriously needs to get a move on if she ever hopes to be popular in this school. And besides, negative five? That's completely absurd.
So she comes up with the most brilliant idea to turn her good reputation bad. Just in a way that she doesn't actually do anything bad. Because those types of stories could follow her around, and she won't have any past scandals detracting from her destiny of super stardom.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
She asks Puck first. He's the McKinley high bad boy, and who better to help her sully her reputation than the one guy in the school who is most likely to make a nun curse? She doesn't expect to feel the need to kiss him so badly. She's ironically turned on by his bad boy image. (And it wouldn't be the first time.) His mouth is just right there, and she remembers how they once felt against hers.
But she couldn't possibly do that to Jesse. And she won't let him do that to Quinn. Not with her.
She's glad that he decides to stay. Even if he does try to feel her up a couple more times. But Rachel's a classy girl, and she won't stand for that kind of nonsense. At least, that's what she tells him.
(She secretly likes that he finds her so attractive. Even though she knows she shouldn't.)
.-.-.
The one without courage.
Jesse was also an obvious choice to star opposite her as the hunky, heroic male lead. But he seems reluctant (more like downright adamant) when she asks him. She eventually convinces him, and she adores that little pout he gets when he's forced to do something he doesn't want to do. It's downright petulant. And she finds it kind of...hot.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
She asks Finn last. Not because she doesn't think he'll do it. But because she's not sure she wants him to. They haven't been talking as much as they used to, and she really misses talking to him. He's been avoiding her since Jesse joined New Directions, and she can't exactly blame him.
Plus, that ache she feels in her chest when she sees his face gets so much worse when she has to sing with him. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, she thinks briefly. But then she asks him anyway. She doesn't exactly know why. She just does.
And of course, he says yes.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
Finn knows she's with Jesse. And she actually looks happy when she's with him. So even though he really wants to, he can't hate him. He doesn't really think much about it when she asks him to be the male lead in a music video with her. He really shouldn't need to. They always sing the leads together.
But he doesn't understand that little flip in his stomach when she asks him. And he also doesn't get why he feels so excited to have her lying dead in his arms. Maybe it's because, for a moment, he gets to pretend that's exactly where she belongs.
Not the dead part.
Just in his arms.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
Dude. He's a stud. They always come back for more of the Puckster. But shit. He didn't realise how turned on he'd feel at the thought of kissing her again. Cause that look she's giving him, with the lashes and that small smile. Totally hot.
But then she's pushing him away. Again. And he wants to call her out on being a fucking tease. But it's Rachel. And even though Puckzilla is the number one badass. It's Rachel.
So, whatever. He does the stupid video, even though his gut is telling him it's not gonna be good. But hey, at least his guns will look good.
Fuck that, they're gonna look freakin' awesome.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
Jesse doesn't want to do the song. It's completely dreadful. And he was (is) the star of Vocal Adrenaline, three-time national show choir champions. So, he adamantly states 'no'. In three different languages. So what is Rachel's idea of retaliation? She throws the mother lode of all diva fits. And all he does is roll his eyes. He can hold his own. He's almost as big a drama queen as she is, and he thrives on it.
When she realises it's not working, she changes tactic and turns all sweet with batting lashes and seductive smiles, and mentions how good he'd look in a leather jacket. "The embodiment of Danny Zuko," she says. And he knows he would (maybe will) make a very convincing Danny Zuko one day. The next thing he knows, he's singing the despicable 'Run, Joey, Run' song that he's only ever listened to once. And only because his mother made him.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
The first thing he thinks is 'Wait, why do I look so much like Puck?' But then Finn realises he doesn't look like Puck. That is Puck. But wait, Rachel asked him to do this movie with her. It's not until the 'movie' him appears behind her, after 'movie' Jesse has disappeared, that he actually understands what's going on. She used him. All of them. It's complete garbage. How could she do this to him?
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
The first thing he thinks is 'Damn, I'm a stud'. The last is 'what the fuck?' He totally did not sign on to look like some punk fighting over her. Because, dude, he's a motherfucking badass. Girls fight over him. Not the other way around.
What. The. Fuck.
The Puck-man is definitely not happy.
If she was gonna fucking use him like this, she could've at least let him touch her boobs. Minimum. Then it might've been worth it.
(He doesn't stop to think that maybe he's a little bit hurt. That maybe, he kinda liked the idea of being her 'hunky, heroic male lead'. They are two very good looking Jews after all.)
.-.-.
The one without courage.
The first thing he thinks is 'this is absolutely mortifying.' And not just because he's been triple-cast in a lame high school music video to a tremendously hideous song. A video starring his supposed girlfriend. No, what's mortifying is he actually cares.
He tries to calm himself down throughout the entire film. Tries to remember that this is just another role he's playing. One stop on the way to his full ride to UCLA. One stop on the way to stardom. But really? Really? He can't let this go. Why? Because he is her leading man. And he wants it to stay that way.
It's also the first time Jesse notices something very important about Rachel. He's not her one and only. He always knew about Finn. Heck, that was one of his original goals; to keep them apart. But this other guy, with the bad hair and perpetual potty mouth? How could she possibly find that attractive? So from this stupid video, Jesse's realises that there are actually two other men who holds his girlfriends affections.
And the worst thing is, she doesn't even know.
.-.-.
The one with the ruby slippers.
No one is talking to her. No one. Not even Mr. Schuester. And she feels exactly like she did at the beginning of the year when she had no friends and nothing to hold onto but her unwavering belief that someday she was going to be a star.
But she doesn't feel like a star. Jesse won't answer her phone calls. Finn won't look her in the eye. And Puck? Well, he growls at her menacingly every time she even attempts to approach him.
She doesn't understand why they're all so angry. It was just a video. Why can't they see that? She just wanted to be more popular. She just wanted people to like her.
But maybe, she just wanted it too much.
She wants everything too much.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
It's the only time he'll ever admit to being scared. To himself that is. He never admits it to anyone else. Not even Ms. Corcoran. It's such an unfamiliar feeling to him. He hasn't been scared or nervous in a very long time. But he is now.
If there's one thing this entire ordeal has taught him, it's that he's actually quite afraid of losing Rachel. But not in the normal way. He already knows they'll have to break up eventually. It was part of the plan all along. If all else failed, he was supposed to break her heart. But in the short time he's known her he finds that prospect a little more difficult with each passing day. He's afraid that by starting this, he's going to crush any hope of ever being with her. Properly. And that scares him. Because he wants another chance to do this again someday. Properly.
So he takes the easy way out. He uses this as an excuse. It really is a pathetic one, but he uses it all the same. He ends it before she can find out the truth, and before everything between them is completely ruined.
The funny thing is, he really wasn't lying when he breaks up with her. (It's one of the only times he isn't.)
She really did break his first.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
Puck's the first one to forgive her. He doesn't even know why he was so pissed in the first place. Not like he gives shit who she's giving it up to. (Though he does kind of care that it's not him.)
He finds her hanging out in the auditorium all by herself. He doesn't know where the perm boy has gone; doesn't really think much of him being absent all week. He walks up while she's playing some sappy love song on the piano. Whatever. He knows jack all about chick songs. He just plonks himself down on the bench next to her, and waits for her reaction.
Rachel blinks at him slowly. Like she thinks she's imagining him or whatever. So he shoots her his usual smirk and then clicks his fingers right in her face.
"Puck?" She asks in a kind of awe. He's not sure how he feels about that. "What are you– What I mean to say is, why are you–" She huffs impatiently when she can't find the right words. And this only makes his smirk grow wider. (It's definitely a first.)
He shrugs. "You did what you did." He says, before fingering out some awesome bass melody that he saw in a rock video this one time. "I get it." He turns to look her in the eye, and she's giving him this disbelieving look, like how could he possibly know how she's feeling. He just rolls his eyes. "Look, remember that shit you talked about in your room the other day?" She nods slowly before he continues. "It's like, I already knew you were crazy. And I still went along with it. And I already knew it was gonna be lame, but I still let you film me and my smokin' guns." He receives a small smile at that, and he can't help but think score.
"But Puck–" She starts.
"Noah." He interrupts automatically. What? It sounds weird now when she calls him that.
"Noah," She repeats after him. "I'm truly am sorry. I really wasn't thinking. It's like a said, I get so focused on something I want that I just can't see the bigger picture anymore. But I never meant to hurt you."
Puck scoffs. "'Sif you could. I'm the Puckerone baby, you can't touch this."
She blinks at him again before the slow smile grows on her face. "Be that as it may Noah, I really am sorry. I hope we can still be friends."
"We weren't before." It's an automatic response, but unlike the last time he said those words to her, this time he has a smile on his face that's matching hers.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
Things do not go over so well when he informs Ms. Corcoran that he's returning to Vocal Adrenaline. In fact, she's downright pissed.
"That's not the plan, Jesse." She says sternly, and she has this way of looking down her nose at him that makes him feel like a small child. "We haven't gotten nearly enough information to take down the McKinley High glee club yet. And it's still a month until Regionals, a lot can change for them between now and then."
"But–" He starts, but he's interrupted almost immediately.
"But nothing. We have a plan Jesse. It's this. Then Nationals and then your scholarship and a free-ride to fame. Or don't you want that anymore? This goal you've been preparing for your entire life. Are you really going to give it all up because of some girl?"
Jesse hangs his head in shame. Not because he's upset that Ms. Corcoran is trying to make him feel bad, but because he knows he will do this. It's too important not to. And he's too much of a coward to do what is right, instead of what she says. He just isn't brave enough to give up his dreams for a girl. Not even a girl like Rachel.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
Finn only forgives her when she demands it. Like when she's having a stomping fit during a solos rehearsal for glee. And he gives in real easy. Because the one thing scarier than an angry Quinn demanding ice cream and pickles, it's an angry Rachel demanding friendship. (Who knew?)
"You owe me!" She reminds him angrily. "After everything you've put me through, you owe me!"
"Rach–" He starts when she pauses to take a breath, but she continues loudly.
"I was there when you needed me. For glee. For school. For Quinn. You. Owe. Me." She adds a stomp with each word.
He holds up his hands in defence. "Whoa, Rach, calm down. I know, okay, I know. And I'm sorry. I guess I overreacted a little when I saw Puck and Jesse. It just felt like..."
Rachel sighs as his voice trails off. "I know. It felt like I went behind your back. Like Quinn." She says the last part so quietly he almost misses it. Almost.
"Yeah." He breathes out slowly, like it'll lessen the pain if he lets it out in small parts.
"I'm really sorry, Finn." She says it timidly as she looks up at him. And she's Rachel once again. Not the insanely driven girl who manipulates people, and makes crazy cat calendars. She's just Rachel. Just how he likes it.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
"I miss you." He tells her. And it's true. He really does. But he's doing this for all the wrong reasons. He really hates himself in this moment, but he truly feels like there is no other option. And when she smiles at him brightly, with hope and love in her eyes, he hates himself even more.
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
They all buckle down as they prepare for Regionals, but none more so that Finn and Rachel. As the leads of their little band of misfits, Rachel feels it's their responsibility to exhibit the behaviour exemplifying how the remainder of Glee should also act. She takes her role as co-captain very seriously, and she can't afford any distractions.
Except, there are moments when she's singing with him that she feels out of breath and her heart is beating too fast. And it aches. Because he's looking at her exactly the same way she feels.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
"Noah, you're not taking glee seriously enough." She reprimands him one day after glee. Literally blocking his path to his car, with her foot tapping and her hands on her hips.
He yawns in response.
She huffs loudly and opens her mouth to berate him some more, but he really can't deal with her insane obsession with glee right now.
"Chillax Berry," He says defensively. "I'm fucking exhausted, okay?"
"No, it's not okay–"
"Look, don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of quitting glee." Her eyes widen dramatically, like she could never even consider such a thought. "I got a night job." He cuts her off before she goes spastic, because seriously, he knows she will. "You know, to pay for the baby and shit."
And she finally gets it. He watches her face relax a little before she asks, "But what about your pool cleaning business?"
"Nah, had to give it up." He shrugs.
"But why?" She presses.
"Too much temptation." This only serves to confuse her more, but he's not about to admit that he hasn't had any tail since Quinn moved in with him. It just feels wrong somehow. Don't know why. It didn't bother him before. But now he has Berry's voice yelling at him whenever he even checks out some other chick's rack, so he figures he'd better man-up and listen. Otherwise she'd never shut up. "Plus the pay's better. No one likes to works nights, so they pay time and a half. Sometimes double. So yeah, just get out of my face. I haven't been able to buy any dip for a month now, so I'm fucking on edge, okay?"
She nods and gives him another one of those small smiles. (Man, he wishes he didn't find those so cute.) "I understand." He releases a deep sigh of relief, but he tenses again when she continues talking. "But don't quit glee, okay? We need you."
He studies her face for a moment, and she looks likes she means it, and fuck, no one's ever said that they 'needed' him before (except you know, during sex).
"If you want, we could meet up during lunch to work on your small solo for our group song." He's about to scoff at that. 'Sif he'd give up food for singing. But then she goes and sweetens the deal. "I'll bring you some home-made macaroons. My daddy and I just made a big batch this weekend."
Damn, this girl knows her way to a Jew's stomach.
"Only if I get to touch your boobs." He says with a smirk, but he knows she can tell that he's joking by the roll of her eyes.
"You're such a jerk." She says as she laughs it off. "I'll meet you tomorrow afternoon at lunch in the auditorium. Please be prompt."
(He ignores the slight disappointment he feels when she shakes her head. But hey, it was worth a try. Right?)
.-.-.
The one without courage.
Regionals is finally here, and Jesse has been dreading this day since he and Rachel recommenced their relationship. She attributes his silence to nerves, even though he's told her before that he hasn't felt nervous before a performance in many, many years. It just tells him that she really has no idea what's coming, and he kind of hates her for being she's so trusting. Because damn, it just means that she's going to continue having her heart broken after this one.
But this time is the only time he cares about.
She's rambling about show tunes. He likes it when she does that. It's oddly calming, even if she's doing it because she's nervous; it's a small distraction from what he soon has to do. He smiles at her, and tries to commit this Rachel to memory, because he's very well aware that he might never see her again. Not like this.
"Making Tommy Tune the first to win Tony gold in four categories."
Jesse looks up because he senses their approach, and sure enough, he sees Ms. Corcoran and the rest of his Vocal Adrenaline entourage heading in his direction. He turns his head slowly back to Rachel and interrupts her mid sentence.
"Rachel, listen," He says seriously. "I'm sorry."
He says it so earnestly and so sincerely, so that even though at the moment she doesn't understand what's happening, hopefully if she remembers anything after this day, she'll remember that he truly means it. And maybe one day, when all of this is behind them, maybe they'll get their chance to do this again properly.
After all, isn't that what most epic romances are? A series of missed chances.
(He ignores the fact that they're also tragedies. The most epic of romances always are.)
.-.-.
The one without courage.
"Rachel, listen," He says seriously. "I'm sorry."
She gives him a confused smile and her eyebrows crinkle. "What are you talking about Jesse?"
And then a voice sounds from in front of them. "It's time, Jesse."
Rachel's eyes widen in shock when she finally notices Vocal Adrenaline standing in front of them, looking very formidable, but she doesn't really care about them. She turns back to Jesse instead.
"What's going on Jesse?" She hates that her voice sounds small, but he doesn't reply. He just gets up and stands next to his vocal coach.
By then, other people have noticed something's happening, and there's a small crowd gathering.
"What's going on here?" Mr. Schuester asks as he arrives at the scene. "Shelby?"
"Hello Will," She says brightly, like she's greeting an old friend. "Oh, nothing at all. Jesse was just informing me that his parents have returned from Bali. So he's moved out of his Uncle's place. And he's back at Carmel."
"You can't be serious." Mr. Schuester says his voice filled with disbelief. "Jesse?"
"I assure you that I am, Will." Shelby replies, her voice sickeningly sweet. "I spoke with his parents this morning, and I will be more than happy to accept Jesse back. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go over our numbers with our star vocal."
"You can't do this Shelby." Mr. Schuester says angrily before she can leave.
"Section one. Subsection three. Item five-point-two of the Ohio Show Choir handbook. Any performer must reside within the assigned school district to be eligible to perform. Should the performer perform for a different school, that school will be disqualified. I have the paperwork right here, Will."
"I don't understand. Why are you doing this?" Rachel's voice comes out softly, and everyone turns to her, as if they've forgotten she's there, but she doesn't notice. Her eyes are fixed on Jesse.
He sends her a wide smile, teeth and all. "I am a star. Why else would I be doing it? I assumed once I moved to William McKinley, with my extensive background in show choir competitions, I naturally would move to take the male lead. I just couldn't see how remaining in New Directions would benefit towards my future as a backup singer. I really hope you don't take it personally."
The Vocal Adrenaline members all simultaneously turn, Jesse and Shelby included, and stalk away, and Rachel's helpless to do anything.
Everyone else turns to her, and she tries to force a smile.
She's not breaking. She's not. No, she's already broken.
(She never learns that his smile is a 'show smile'. It's so painful, it's literally killing him.)
.-.-.
The one without a brain.
Rachel is hiding.
She needed to get out of there. The pitying (and reproachful) looks everyone was giving her just made her feel even worse. And she really just needed to collect herself so that she could perform without breaking down.
So she found a park bench in a small court yard outside. She's sure the news has spread by now. At least through the performers. Mr. Schuester tried to consult the convenors, but he said there was nothing they could do. Not that she cares anyway. She's just trying to get through this day.
She hears Finn before he reaches her. He stubs his toe on a non-existent rock and mutters a soft "ouch". His presence should make her happy, but instead she clenches her eyes shut in an attempt to contain her tears.
"Please Finn. Just don't." She says when he gets near enough. "I really don't need you to tell me 'you told me so', right now."
"I wasn't gonna do that." He says gently. "I just wanted to see if you okay."
Rachel looks at him, and Finn's always so sincere that she instantly believes him. "Yeah, I'm okay." She lies. He's looking down at her, hands in his pockets as he nervously shuffles from one foot to another. She thinks she could die through that look alone. She tries not to think about how, a few months ago, she would have given anything to have him looking down at her like he is right now. She can't handle his hopeful kindness right now. She really can't. "I really just need to be alone right now, Finn." She says, trying to give him a reassuring smile, but it feels tight on her face. "I need to get ready."
He nods his understanding. He really wishes he knew the right words to say, but he's never been good with words. It's always Rachel that does all the talking. But she's not talking right now. So he leaves after sending her one last smile. "Take your time, Rach. We'll be ready when you are."
"Thank you, Finn." She says as he walks away. There's a part of her that wants to call him back, but she knows she can't.
It isn't the right time. Yet.
.-.-.
The one without a heart.
"Told ya so." Noah says as he slumps down next to her, slinging his arm along the back of the bench.
"Noah..."She says exasperatedly.
"The guy's a total douche anyway." He interrupts before she can say anything more. "You can do better."
"No I can't." She says it so softly that it almost gets lost in the wind. He turns to look at her properly, like he doesn't understand what she's saying. "He's the only person who's ever liked me for me. He didn't care that I tend to talk too much. Or that I tend to take certain things too seriously and do things that cloud my judgement. And he didn't care about what I wear, or that I wasn't ready. He's the only person to ever like me for me. And he wasn't even real." She adds the last sentence as an afterthought, because she's only just realised that that's what it was. He was acting the entire time. "But he's the only one."
Noah nudges her gently. "No, he's not." She turns her face and meets his eyes for the first time since he arrived and she doesn't understand the serious expression on his face, but it makes her catch her breath momentarily. Rachel opens her mouth to speak, but Noah continues with a small smirk. "I'm just saying, making out on your bed. In those short skirts, and those knee socks. Totally hot."
She smiles and shakes her head. "Is that all you ever think about, Noah?"
"Straight up." He laughs out loud as she rolls her eyes. There's a noise ahead of them, and they both look up to see the very pregnant Quinn waiting for him. "Look, just say the word and the punk is gonna wake up in a dumpster." He says seriously.
She shoots him an appreciative smile. "That won't be necessary, Noah."
"Okay." He gets up to go to Quinn, but she calls his name one last time before he can take more than a few steps.
He turns back to look at her. "Thank you."
They look at each other for a moment longer before he smiles and nods at her, and then he's on his way back to Quinn again. Rachel watches as Quinn holds out her hand and he takes it in his, resting them both on her protruding stomach.
And Rachel thinks maybe she got it all wrong. Noah isn't the one without a heart. If anything, he's all heart. He just keeps it locked away so no one else can see. But every now then, when she's lucky, he lets her catch a glimpse and those are the moments that she'll always remember.
.-.-.
The one without courage.
He can see her from the window, and he's been watching her for the better part of an hour. Just watching as her friends come and go. He wants to go down there and just sweep her up into his arms; wipe away the tears he knows are stinging her eyes.
But he can't. He can't face her. Not after everything he's put her through. So he just stands there, watching her. Wishing for the courage to allow him to go back to her.
.-.-.
She closes her eyes, and clicks her heels together three times.
Mr. Schuester calls from the entrance, and she knows it's time.
She takes a deep breath and stands, steadily smoothing out the material of her dress. She's back where she started all those months ago, her heart breaking over a boy who doesn't want her, but she takes another deep breath and determinedly walks forward. She can break down and wallow tonight when she's locked in the darkness of her bedroom. Because that's the thing about being a star performer, the show must always go on.
So when she reaches the warm-up room and everyone turns to look at her, she smiles brightly and nods, hiding her inner turmoil.
"I'm ready."
Author's Note: Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed my story.