The outdated datapadd was addressed to one Ensign Christopher Pike. It felt like it weighed a ton in the strong hands of Captain James Tiberius Kirk; the same ton as the weight of all the questions swimming in his head about what possibly his own mother, Winona would have had to write to her son's father figure so many years ago. The young starship captain itched to know the contents of that datapadd, ached to know what secrets it contained, but then he shook his head forcefully to clear it and tossed the datapadd onto the bed. It would be a violation of privacy. There were no secrets he was certain. Kirk had never known his mother to make a misstep and certainly Admiral Pike was the paragon of virtue. They were probably just old Starfleet Academy chums or shipmates early in their careers and this was just a boring, keep in touch letter that his mother had forgotten to hit the send button on.

Still… now that she was gone, Kirk was faced with a different dilemma. Now it wasn't to read or not to read, but whether or not to forward the datapadd to his straight laced father figure. There was likely nothing earth shattering on that datapadd so Kirk saw no harm in slipping the datapadd to Pike the next time he saw him. Still, the datapadd mocked and taunted him with its contents…

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Bright blue eyed James T. Kirk entered Admiral Pike's office the following morning, datapadd in hand. He'd gotten a few odd looks from those who noticed the nearly three decades old device in his hands, but he thought nothing of it. He was too preoccupied with the events of the last week. The accident that had taken Winona Kirk's life had been sudden and completely unexpected, but Kirk had drawn some comfort in the belief that his parents were together again at long last. His older brother, Sam had often mentioned that she was never quite the same after the loss of their father so perhaps she'd found peace now.

Kirk found Admiral Pike staring pensively out the window of his office. The two men had spoken almost daily since Kirk had taken emergency leave several days prior. They'd even met for a few brews on a few occasions.

Sensing a presence in the doorway, the older man turned to face Kirk, glancing down with curiosity at the old style datapadd in Kirk's hand. Holding it up and out, Kirk walked over to Pike.

"I found this among my mother's possessions. It is probably nothing important, but it was addressed to you so I thought you should have it."

An odd look covered Pike's features as he took the datapadd; one Kirk hadn't seen on his mentor's face before and couldn't interpret. It was akin to something like surprise, but there was an element of some other emotion.

"I didn't realize you knew my parents. I knew you'd written that dissertation on the Kelvin, but actually met them…"

"It was a long time ago, James," Pike cut him off, his voice a soft whisper, but there was an edge to it that told Kirk that Pike didn't want to talk about it, at least not at the moment.

"If you don't mind…," Pike continued as he powered up the datapadd and opened the lone file. "I'd like to read this alone now. We'll talk soon, I promise."

Kirk's brows furrowed in confusion, but he simply nodded to his superior officer and retreated from Pike's spacious office quietly, the door hissing shut in his wake.

Pike slowly lowered himself into his desk chair and leaned back, finding it surreal to be reading a letter written to him over a quarter of a century ago; a letter that hadn't found its way to him at that time. He swallowed hard, not sure if the wilder years of his youth were about to catch up with him.

Dear Chris,

I wish I knew where to start, but the honest truth is I don't and I'm not even sure that I'll have the courage to send this to you even if I should finish it. I'm still haunted, weeks later, by the pain and the questions I saw in your eyes when you bumped into me and little Jim in the courtyard.I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't know what to say if I'd tried.

George and I discussed what happened during the brief time we were separated and we made our peace with it before his death a year ago. I miss him more than words can say.I was able to tell him the truth, but I'd told you almost nothing but lies; lies about who I was and that I was married.I just wanted to escape the pain and forget who I was for a while, but I shouldn't have used another to help me do that.

Apologies aren't enough, but I feel I still owe you one. I didn't handle things well, certainly not like a Starfleet officer would, and I let my selfish impulses get in the way of maturity.I knew there could be consequences for my behavior, but I hadn't imagined anything on this scale.

I still haven't told you the whole truth though, Chris. And I'm not sure if at this point, it would do more harm than good.You spoke of becoming a starship captain with such enthusiasm and I don't want to ruin that for you, please believe that.

Chris… James is your son.

I had the paternity test done a few months after George's death and he's yours. I'd told George that there was a possibility that James wasn't his, but he said he wanted to leave it in the past and that it didn't matter to him who James' biological father was.When I pointed out that you'd have a right to know if the baby was yours, George convinced me to let you go on with your career.Now that he's gone, I find myself revisiting my feelings about this.I honestly don't know what the best thing for everyone is.James deserves a father, but you also don't deserve to have your life plans disrupted because of one woman's selfish behavior.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to send this just yet. It helps to just get it into writing.Perhaps soon I will gather the strength to send it.

I'm not asking for forgiveness, Chris. All I'm hoping for is that if this ever falls into your hands that our son can find a place in your life and your heart.

Winona

Pike stared at the datapadd in disbelief, still trying to absorb the contents. His emotions were a jumble and he had no clue where to start unraveling them. His life would have been so very different if he'd received this letter when it had been written. A very guilty part of him was still grateful that he'd had the career he'd wanted, but the son he'd never known about had grown up without a decent father. Despite not being told about young James, Pike still felt like he'd shirked a responsibility along the way. He should have pushed to talk to Winona when he'd seen them in the Academy courtyard that day. Seeing the baby in her arms, he had suspected that the boy could have been his, but he didn't make enough of an effort to find out.

Memories of the first day he met Jim flooded his mind. So impulsive, wild, and reckless. Would he have been different if he'd had his father to guide him when he was a child.

Tossing the datapadd onto the desk, Pike let out a deep breath and swung his chair so he could gaze out the window once again.

What would he say to Jim the next time he saw him? Should he even say anything to him?

Maybe something to the effect of this is what happens when you leap without looking… The hallmark of the young.

His relationship with Jim was already very much like father and son, but would revealing this information change all that?

Pike wasn't certain he was ready to find out.