The sand burned your feet with every step you took on the shore. It felt as if the naturally occurring granular material composed of finely divided rock and mineral particles would cook your soles like a French fry in a frying pan. It actually kinda smelled like French fries thanks to the McDonalds French fry deodorant you got in your Happy Meal, but that's beside the point.

Your friends had rented a beach house for the weekend and after the last two days of sinning, you finally wanted to rest like Jesus Christ on the Holy Day of Sun before heading back home.

You gingerly step into the cool, salty ocean water. You wave to Moana as she sailed across where the line and the sky meet the sea before you kick your burnt feet around. Tiny waves splashed about and you imagine that you are the great Cthulhu, causing huge tsunamis and wrecking havoc among innocent cities. Them city folk should learn how to recycle! #savethecoralreefs RAWR XD

Suddenly, your black, burnt-ass heel lands on a… squishy object?

"Sticktheholycrossuptheholeofmyass! WTF was that?" you exclaim. God, the ocean was full of unknown squishy objects; you never knew what you were gonna get. Sometimes it was a placid piece of kelp, sometimes it was a tentacle porn monster - you just couldn't predict the situation.

Before your anime waifu panties could get soaked from your tentacle porn fantasies, you realized what you stepped on… SPONGEBOB FUCKING SQUAREPANTS, BITCH!

You crouch down to check the damage you had done. You know that the great lord Cthulhu would spare no mercy on any life, but SpongeBob was a celebrity. He was in all the memes these days you know.

"Hey, are you okay?" You ask the unconscious 4-inch, 1 ounce yellow square in the water. You scoop SpongeBob up and perform CPR on him by squeezing the shit outta him. Salty ocean water gushes out of his gaping yellow holes and you see the red tie on his chest move up and down. He was alive!

"W-who are you?" SpongeBob weakly opens his eyes and looks around. He sees your big ass face near his and begins to panic.

"Uh, SpongeBob, I'm _! I just saved your life after almost ending your life." You reply.

"How do you know my name? And why does it smell like French fries," SpongeBob panics more.

"It says 'SpongeBob SquarePants' on your Krusty Krab name tag and I'm wearing the McDonald's Happy Meal French fry deodorant," you answer. You begin to notice how nice he looked - always dressed to the motherfucking T. His outfit just complimented his square figure perfectly. This man did not just serve Krabby Patties, but looks too.

"Golly! Anyway, _, I was trying to convince ole pimp Squidward to jellyfish with me, but he said that he wouldn't come until I found a sweet hunny outside the Bikini Bottom!" SpongeBob got up and dusted himself off even though there was no dust on him.

"Hey, well you found one right here!" You shout excitingly. And just like that, you and SpongeBob hit the club. It was damn straight only 4:19 pm, but yall partied like it was 4:20 pm. Beach clubs were the best. People knew how to party. With tiny ass SpongeBob dancing on your shoulder, you felt like Linguini with Remy the rat from Ratatouille.

After partying for only 1 minute, SpongeBob realizes that his body was shriveling up. Even in the sweaty, humid ass beach club, he couldn't bear to be out of his native environment. He had to get WET™ before he dries up and dies, but he was scared to say anything. He didn't want to seem like a lil' bitch in front of you.

"_-_…" SpongeBob sucked up his pimp pride and coughed, "I need s-some help."

But you didn't hear him. Cardi B's "Bartier Cardi" was pumping and you couldn't help but twerk your ass all over the dance floor. With every clap and bounce of your cheeks, SpongeBob felt his life slip away more and more.

Suddenly, SpongeBob evolves into a dead ass, normal dishwasher sponge and falls off your shoulder. You feel something squishy underneath your foot again.

"HOOOOOOOOO MAHHHHHH GAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD," you sing as you fall desperately onto your knees, realizing what had happened. You begin causing a scene in the middle of the club. You begin crying so motherfucking hard in the club that even Camila Cabello couldn't help you. People are looking like you're a crazy bitch and begin to back away from the dance floor.

You thought you had found what love is. You felt your lives were connected and your souls were one. It was fate that you would step on this squishy sponge. This yellow ass sponge was the only person who could cause you to twerk like that. He was the only one who liked your McDonalds deodorant. You were going to tell your friends about him. Your family didn't even get to meet him. You thought that you guys were going to get married and have half-sponge children. You guys were gonna have a life together. A future. But God decided to take his angel back too soon. TOO SOON. TOO MOTHERFUCKING SOOOOOOOOOOOON.

Your tears ruined your mascara and that caused you to cry even more. Your tears dripped onto the tiny sponge in your hands. You were about to throw his soft, dead body away when… SPONGEBOB MOTHERFUCKING SQUAREPANTS BEGAN TO BREATH AGAIN.

You were in shock. Your big, watery anime waifu eyes blinked a few times to make sure you were seeing things right.

"SPONGBOOB SQUAREPANTIES OMG I LOVE YOU!" you embraced SpongeBob. The crowd of people surrounding you cheered and clapped underneath the dim lights of the club. What a true love story. Or so you thought…

It was 4:23 pm and you had to go home soon. You had school tomorrow and your teacher was going to give you a fresh weed brownie during first period, so you couldn't miss it. You and SpongeBob walk out of the club before you broke the news to him.

"SpongeBob… I don't want to say this.."

"Then don't say it…" SpongeBob whispers into your ear before kissing you passionately. "Thank you for saving my life. Twice."

"It's really nothing…" You blush, "But I really have to go. I have to get high with my teacher…"

"I understand, babe. Take care and call me when you get home." You didn't even have SpongeBob's conch phone number, but you didn't even care at this point - your sad emotions were too strong to care.

"But wait," You set him on the floor, "Take this with you to the Bikini Bottom so you don't forget me." You slipped off your bikini bottoms and delicately handed it to him. You quickly walked away. You didn't want to look back. You knew that if you looked back, you would want to stay here forever.

"Thank you, _. I will cherish them always." He smiled and tears up a little as he watched you watch away. Your bikini bottoms were bigger than his whole body and he had a difficult time carrying them back into the ocean, but at least they still smelled like french fries.