Vulnerability

Squall woke uneasily. His senses were delayed and he had a dull headache. Instantly, before he was aware of anything else, he knew alcohol was the cause. Squall rolled over in his bed and groaned. Wondering what the weather was like outside, Squall reached out a hand and grasped the curtain side closest to him and tugged. Sunlight streamed through the window and Squall smiled. It seemed like every day was good since they came back to their original time, as if the sun also was keen to celebrate the end of Ultimecia's reign. Squall now remembered- it had been the victory and coming home party last night, and he'd had a fair bit to drink. He remembered it getting quite stuffy in the hall and him going to get some air…

Squall froze and then jerked up into a sitting position as he remembered what had happened between him and Rinoa the previous night on the balcony. His mind raced with the memory of holding Rinoa in his arms, of their first kiss. He blamed the four glasses of champagne at the party for his boldness. Plus, obviously, the romantic atmosphere. The two of them together, on the balcony- and there was even a shooting star to top it off. Squall remained sat on his bed for a moment, thinking. He knew he loved Rinoa- he knew that instantly. But was he ready? The last time he had been open with someone, it was when Ellone had left. He knew why she had left now- for her own protection and safety she had gone to the White SeeD ship- but it didn't make the memory any less painful, or the fear of being abandoned any less strong. He sat hunched forward, arms folded. He thought back to the events of just after he had defeated Ultimecia. It had been easier, then, to admit how much he'd needed his friends. Now he was back in his old life, in his home, and old habits were easy to break. It was very easy for him to slip into being the old, unsocial jerk he had always been. Squall knew he didn't want to be that guy anymore… but the alternative seemed to him so vulnerable, so open. Though Squall didn't want to admit it, he was terrified- was he ready to be vulnerable? Squall stood, sighing. One thing was for sure- he couldn't sit on his bed all day. Cid hadn't relinquished him of his Commander duties and he had a garden to run.

Hating himself for doing it, Squall spent the morning trying to avoid Rinoa. This was more difficult than he'd expected. He saw her in the corridor about five times and each time he ducked behind something or turned the other way, feeling stupider and stupider as he did so. He didn't know how she had interpreted the kiss and didn't want to think they were already in a relationship- things would be going way too fast. He wasn't sure if he was ready yet. However, it didn't seem like things were on his side. After a few close encounters, it was just before lunchtime when he rounded a corner and found himself face to face with none other than Rinoa.

"Squall!" She looked happy to see him. Really happy to see him. She was positively beaming. "I've been looking for you all morning." Squall smiled guiltily. "Wanna join me for lunch?" That was it- Squall panicked, shrinking back into his outer obnoxious self. He marvelled at how easy it was to play the jerk again.

"Uh, no thanks, Rinoa… I just remembered I have something to do. Sorry…" he promptly turned around, leaving her standing in the corridor and hating himself for it. Half an hour later, he emerged, his eyes scanning the corridors all the way to the cafeteria. There was hardly anyone there- lunch time was nearly over. He quickly grabbed himself some food and picked one of the many empty tables.

"Good afternoon, Squall." It was Quistis and she had her instructor voice. He knew instantly what this was about. "I just finished talking with Rinoa. Apparently she said you blew her off." It was very clear Quistis was not impressed.

"Yes… I had forgotten to do something…" Quistis threw him a look that told him it was pointless to make up excuses. "Rinoa and I kissed last night," he eventually said.

"Rinoa told me that." She brushed it away with an impatient gesture as she spoke, like she didn't think it was at all the huge step Squall thought it was Why are you avoiding her? She and I both know you didn't forget something," she added sceptically.

"Whatever." He shoved another forkful of food into his mouth. He felt bad enough already without Quistis lecturing him.

"Whatever? So, we're back to that again. Here I was thinking you were finally emotionally mature. Have you thought at all about how Rinoa must be feeling? You kiss her and then you ignore her? If you weren't ready, then you shouldn't have kissed her, Squall." Squall finished his mouthful, staring at her.

"Are you done yet?" Quistis sighed, standing up and Squall grit his teeth- he made the conscious decision there and then to stay changed. Even if he ended up getting hurt, he had vowed when he was lost in time he wouldn't be this person again. He would trust his friends, and here he was, completely contradicting that and acting just like he used to be. "Quistis, wait. I'm sorry." He was acting like an ass and he knew it- and he wanted to change, to actually try to be like a friend. Quistis turned back to him, eyeing him sceptically. "Please, sit down." Quistis sat, arms folded, waiting. Squall sighed. "I didn't know what I was thinking last night. I didn't mean for the kiss to happen. It just sort of… happened." Squall leant forward. "I'm scared. I'm scared that if I open up to someone, they'll abandon me, like I felt abandoned by Ellone." Quistis said nothing- it was her turn to stare. "What?"

"I think that's the most honest thing you've ever said to me." Squall gave an embarrassed shrug. "Squall, she knows you have issues- we all do. But you can't let that stop you living your life. If you never reach out to someone… well, you'll miss out on all the good things in life." Squall's memory flashed back to when Rinoa had said somethingvery smilar on the Ragnorak after he had brought her back from space- she had told him that he had missed out on all the good things in life. "You love her, don't you?" She challenged now, bringing him swiftly back to the present.

"Of course I do!" Squall replied loudly, and then realised what he'd said. He was meant to be telling Rinoa this first, not his former instructor. He was showing his vulnerability- good. However, he was showing his vulnerability to the completely wrong person.

"Well then. You know what to do. If you don't take the chance, Squall, you'll always regret it." She stood. "She's in her room, if you want to talk to her. She's quite angry and upset." With that, Quistis turned and left the cafeteria. Squall sighed, putting his head in his hands. Then, a moment later, he stood and left the room. It was time to bite the bullet and leave himself vulnerable. He had to take that chance.

"Come in," Rinoa said. He could hear the tears in her voice- man, Quistis hadn't been kidding. He knew he'd acted the jerk, and after promising he'd never do that again. Squall opened the door. "Oh," she said, when she saw him.

"Hi." For a moment he didn't say anything more. He could see the redness in her eyes and dried tear marks in her cheeks. She was sat on the floor, hugging a pillow. He walked over and sat down in front of her. "I'm sorry, Rinoa." She looked away from him. "I was scared, Rinoa. That's why I act like a jerk… because on the inside, I'm scared. When I woke up this morning, all I could think about was you. But I was scared to take that jump, scared that if I took that chance with you… I'd just end up with the same pain and fear I had when Ellone left me at the orphanage. That terrified me, and I didn't know what to do. When I saw you… I panicked." She looked up at him.

"Wow. You've never been that honest before." It was the same thing Quistis had told him. She sniffed. "Well… what do you think now?"

"I think I've been a jerk," he said, and she smiled. "I think I've been a jerk to act the way I was this morning after kissing you last night. Especially considering how much I liked it." He raised his hand, brushing away the tear marks from her face. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Rinoa. It was the last thing I wanted to do."

"It's okay." She moved into his arms and he put them around instinctively. It always surprised him how right she felt in his arms. It had given him quite a shock the first time he had held her in the Ragnorak. "I was worried you didn't feel… you know."

"Are you kidding? Rinoa, I…" he broke off abruptly as he realised what he was about to say. Taking the plunge, he moved back slightly so he could look in her eyes. "I'm not sure what's going to happen, Rinoa. But I'm going to take that chance. I want to be with you, Rinoa." She gave him a gentle smile now. He grasped hold of her hands- now he had started to open up to her, it was vital she knew everything. "I want to be with you," Squall repeated. "I love you, Rinoa." Her eyes rounded at his admission and she felt more tears prickling at her eyes. She swallowed and smiled again, her hand coming to rest on his cheek.

"I love you too, Squall." The two smiled at one another, and he gently pulled her toward him and embraced her. All in all, he decided, vulnerability wasn't always such a bad thing.