I Don't Know You Anymore- a Remus & Allya short that isn't (short, that is)
An amazingly sad story, written under the influence of "I Don't Know You Anymore" by Savage Garden. Maybe I'll give it a happy ending, though... ~ redwood
A cold draft blew through the small but immaculate apartment that he was renting in one corner of Diagon Alley. The weather was miserable- well, it was a spring day, and it was raining. Each droplet of water that splashed down to hit the dirty pavement made him flinch; his face was unshaven, and when he flinched behind it he had the appearance of a person who had been very drunk the night before and now had the hangover to pay for it. And he didn't care. In many ways, that was exactly what had happened to him- Remus Lupin.
He didn't care anymore. Since he made that fatal mistake, nothing mattered. It's time I fixed the old mistakes, he thought grimly, and before he even knew what he was doing, he'd grabbed his cloak from the corner and swung out through the door.
The winter had been hard on Remus. Although the Wolfsbane potion had become commonspread and was available for sale at any wizard's drugstore, he had to go there to buy it- the woman behind the counter was terrified of him; she'd told all of her friends about him, too. Thus, he spent many a lonely full moon- and half-moon, and quarter moon, and sliver moon- alone in his apartments. At school, and in the three years afterwards, it had been easier; for the last three years he'd had companions: first there was Allya, who was never afraid of the transformations, later there was James and Sirius in their Animagi forms. And here, here he was all alone, without contact with them because of his own stupid errors. He'd had no one all winter long, and it was beginning to eat at him. He knew what he had to do.
He also knew that she was not the same. He didn't care. Here I go again. I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today...
He grabbed the condensed potion mix from the shelf and paid the eleven silver sickles, then pulled out his wand and apparated.
His friend's living room was cozy and warm; asleep on the couch, Sirius and Miore had been up late waiting for his visit the night before, but he had not come. Now they stirred from their slumber and Sirius opened his eyes. Miore, however, was the first to speak. "Remus? What have you- how are- you look... um..." For her eyes, too, were open, seeing a very ragged and sleep-deprived Remus.
"I know," he said, and dropped into an armchair by the hearth. For some reason he'd always liked those... and he thought of her again, of the last time they had been sitting together in that very chair.
"What's the matter, Remus?" Sirius asked, and in his dark eyes Remus felt that Sirius knew. Sirius' mind was keen; he knew much. Too much, at times, but he needed to hear it from Remus just then.
Remus was silent a moment, unconsciously rubbing the promise ring on his left hand. Before he even realized what he was doing, the memories came flooding back.
A touch of her hand could do so much, he thought. Dissolve tears... mend wounds, assure me of her love, or even- Remus resisted the urge to flush and grin embarrassedly right then, although in truth he was also not far from the tears. In time, he knew, they would come.
"So it is her," Sirius said wisely, and Miore sat back against him.
"You can't mean-" Miore looked a bit distressed. "How long has it been, Remus?" she asked him, silver eyes full of compassion.
"Two hundred ninety-seven days," Remus answered automatically, and noncommittedly, then glanced at his watch. "Four hours, seventeen minutes, and... fifteen seconds." His voice broke on 'fifteen seconds.' Miore bustled away to get the tea, alarmed by Remus' condition but trying to hide it.
"You've got to find her," Sirius said. "For your own sanity, Remus, find that girl!"
Of course, Allya J. Nightrunner was hardly a girl any longer; she was nearly twenty-two years old. For one and a half of those years, she and her Hogwarts-graduate friends had been a great team of Aurors- well, Lily had taken some time off to have her child, Harry, and she quit when he was born, but still...
Ally had had some sort of accident in the field. She had gone a bit insane, to put things mildly. Changed her name, severed ties with her old friends, and gone to live-
Somewhere. That was it. Remus didn't know. Neither, for that matter, did Lily, James, Sirius, Miore, or Lindsay; even her adopted cousin Aylla- her exact opposite; a woman with dark black hair, orange-to-black eyes and a dark and cruel demeanor- didn't know where she was.
The rest of Remus' time with the Blacks was spent on happier points of conversation- Andy Grinforth's wedding was coming up, and the announcement of Miore's engagement to Sirius...
Remus slept better that night, for he knew well what he would do when morning came.
He didn't know how he knew. But perhaps it was that corner of the newspaper that had caught his eye, the one he didn't really read... the one that advertised wands for sale... wands created by a certain 'Allya Jade.'
In the morning, Sirius and Miore found the guest bedroom devoid of anything living. The razor on the ledge in the bathroom had a good deal of flesh still appended to it; there was blood and stubble in the sink, as if one had been too preoccupied to rinse it down the drain.
Remus was gone. But he wasn't all that far away, in the grand scheme of things.
Remus walked far from the block where Miore and Sirius lived. He didn't know why he walked, of course, as he could easily have apparated without attracting notice in Hogsmeade. Perhaps it was that one shop he visited that changed his mind, for he had only to step inside to discover what he was looking for... and he left again, without spending even two minutes inside, and more depressed than he had been in the last two hundred ninety-eight days.
He tried travelling by Floo powder- but her fireplace was apparently not connected to the network. He would have apparated- but he did not know where she lived. The Saturday morning rain had turned into a beautifully stormy Sunday, and lightning crackled in the distance. Remus knew he had only one last chance.
The Muggle telephone book was old and worn, for good reason; it was in the only telephone booth- a very unused one- in Hogsmeade; there was little use for such a thing there. He scrolled down through the list of Ns for 'Nightrunner', but found nothing. In his frustration, he threw the paper creation to the ground and, having vented his rage, went to pick it up again. As he did so- for the thing was now soggy and dripping, having landed in a puddle- he noted with some satisfaction that it was permanently stuck on the Js. J. He blinked the water out of his clear blue eyes and looked down.
Jade, Allya. 298 Danforth St, South Hampshire..................................681-5337
Two hundred ninety-eight, Remus thought. Oh, the irony... But he inserted the correct amount of Muggle change and made the call.
What to say?
'I would like to visit you for a while, get away- and out of the city. Maybe I shouldn't have called, but someone had to be the first to break.'
He shook his head and concentrated on the voice at the other end.
"Hello?"
Well, at least it was feminine. That was something.
'I would like to visit you for a while, get away- and out of the city. Maybe I shouldn't have called, but someone had to be the first to break.
"Hello," he replied, a lump forming in his throat that he was unable to swallow. "May I please speak with Miss Allya Jade?" Remus resisted the urge to say 'Redwood' or 'Nightrunner.'
'We can go out on your back porch, relax, talk about anything, it don't matter. I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me.'
The voice on the other end sounded a bit confused... almost as if she didn't recognize his voice. "This is she. Do I... know you?"
Now that Remus was listening for it, it was her voice. It was her.
'Because I don't know you anymore.'
"We first met seven years ago," he answered. "At school. You were in my house, on my-"
"Quidditch team..." Allya murmured, then something that sounded suspiciously like, 'angel.' "I'm on the Floo network. My house is called the 'Wolf's Den.'" And then she hung up.
Remus was not cheered. He glumly apparated back to Sirius' house, where there was always a fire lit in the grate. Sirius and Miore were out, shopping perhaps, or something else engaged people did on their days out together, but the magical lock they'd put on Sirius' house allowed Remus entrance. He cast a handful of the fine dust into the flames, yelling, "Wolf's Den," as he went.
The trip was perfectly normal, as trips by Floo powder usually were for experienced travellers. Moony was spat out on the solid stone hearth of a house- if it could be called that. Mansion would be more like it, or castle or estate. He knew the layout perfectly, every detail, but something was amiss... something big.
It hit him as a blinding insight- it was her parents' house, it had not moved since he was a boy and neither had Allya. She had probably bewitched her address so that he couldn't find her, so someone couldn't find her. Still...
His eyes fell upon the nearest decoration he could find- anything that might tell him about the changes in his ex-lover. He moved over to it- a picture frame. It was not, as he may have suspected, of Allya and her parents. It didn't display James, Lily and Harry; or Sirius and Miore and even Remus was absent, but then there was this... thing.
'I don't recognize this place. The picture frames have changed and so has your name.'
It was an eye, now that he looked at it. A rough drawing of pencil- no, now that he thought about it, it was most definitely charcoal- Remus' Muggle mediums had been running together for years. The eye was deep, clear, and nearly free of lines. When Remus imagined it in color, it was a light, piercing blue. The signature in the corner read Allya Jade, and it was dated two hundred ninety-seven days ago. He shivered involuntarily-Bloody cold, he thought. I really ought to see a doctor. But something about the eye...
Remus' thoughts again turned to Allya. It had been so long since he last saw her. Since the last time he held her, kissed her... made love to her.
'We don't talk much anymore, we keep running from the pain. But what I wouldn't give to see your face again.'
There was a noise behind him; a young woman, blonde, thin, and reaching about to Remus' nose in height appeared. She held her wand in a casual way, and Remus saw through the guise, finally. She was not living out the life of the previous Allya Jade, but still held her redwood wand- thirteen inches, containing a tailfeather from a phoenix. "Prove," Allya said softly, "that you are my friend, Remus Lupin."
Remus was not sure if she meant whether he should prove himself to be her friend, or Remus Lupin. He didn't know, but one should have been the other, so he transformed himself into the black and silver lion and waited. The blonde nodded, and he changed back.
"What business have you here, Remus Lupin?" Her eyes had become the blue he'd gotten accustomed to, but harder, as if they'd crystalized or frozen while she was gone.
"The business of saving my life," Remus answered, and for but a moment he thought he saw her falter, thought he saw the old Allya, the one he'd laugh with and play Quidditch with, the one that had loved him. The one he had loved. The one he loved, still.
Remus spilled his guts- first literally, as he ran to the bathroom (as he took a cup of hot chocolate and sat upon the couch three minutes later, he marvelled at the fact he hadn't gotten vomit on his robes)- then he told her everything. The last days of an empty summer, the loneliness that autumn had brought, the dispair that came with winter. Remus withheld details of the new hopes that had blossomed with the first rains of springtime.
'Springtime in the city, always such a relief from the winter freeze. The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean.'
Remus' cold seemed to get a bit better as Allya told him of her life for the past months. It didn't seem a whole lot more interesting- busy was the word. She told him of her wand shop, of learning to use some Muggle things so as to better deal with Muggle-born patrons. "Everyone's got an agenda," she shrugged. "It's just not practical for the Muggle parents of a child to have to figure out everything. I find them, and I offer them what I can."
Remus nodded. That was so typically Allya... but when he looked closer, he could see how tired she was really becoming. "You work too much," he said finally, offering a small, wistful smile that didn't reach his eyes. "But don't stop now if you're enjoying it."
Redwood snorted, amused at the idea of 'enjoying' work. Remus had to admit, at the time they met, such a notion would have sent them into gales of laughter. Now, however... "The only job I really enjoyed was being an Auror," Allya said. "At least I never had to do that alone." Remus agreed again.
'Can you believe what a year it's been? Are you still the same? Has your opinion changed? Because I don't know you anymore, I don't recognize this place. The picture frames have changed and so has your name. We don't talk much anymore, We keep running from these sentences... but what I woudln't give to see your face again.'
"I know I let you down," Remus said suddenly. "I was never the partner you could have hoped for. I hope I'm not the reason you quit-"
"That had nothing to do with it," she responded softly. "And I think you know it, don't you?"
Remus only shook his head, and when he raised his eyes the tears finally came.
'Again and again, I know I never really treated you right. I've paid the price, I'm still paying for it every day.'
His eyes fell upon her form, and where that form was sitting, and he knew he had seen it somewhere before... "That chair," he said, his eyes burning, voice cracking but triumphant. "That blasted chair..."
She smiled a little, through tears of her own. "It has changed since its days at Hogwarts though, wouldn't you agree?"
It had. It was no longer in excellent repair; it was worn thoroughly and there were several holes in the upholstry- one of which had been started by Sirius, when he accidentally set his History of Magic homework on fire. It rocked a bit, and looked out of place next to the luxurious other furniture that the room was adorned with. It was tattered, just as their relationship was. Remus' eyes fell once again on the sketch of the eye across from the armchair, back to the chair itself, but caught in the mirror above the mantel, and suddenly he understood.
'So maybe I shouldn't have called, was it too soon to tell? Oh, what the hell. It doesn't really matter. How do you redefine something that never really had a name? Has your opinion changed?'
Before he even registered the fact that yes, the eye was his own, and yes, that was the chair where they had gotten together all those years ago, and yes, perhaps Allya loved him still, he was beside her- she was now standing for some odd reason- he ducked his mouth to hers and kissed her slowly, with a passion he had known with only one woman.
Tears flowed freely from a face that so rarely let them fall, a face that used to be of stone. When Allya and Remus finally broke for air, they were so close that it seemed as if a current was buzzing through their bodies. They were not quite touching, but nor was there room for the smallest of the flies in England to pass between them.
'Because I don't know you anymore.'
"The eye is yours, you know. Like so many things in this house."
Or do I know you still? Remus thought. Nothing much has changed, after all. "By Merlin, Redwood, I love you," he whispered into the candle-relieved darkness, meaning every word and implying even more. I would go to the end of the world for you, live for you, die for you.
The last tear fell. "I swear, Remus, I never meant to hurt you," she murmured, only to have her words swallowed by Remus' eager lips and tongue. "I love you, too," she said, resting her head on his shoulder. "And I can't remember the last time you called me 'Redwood'..."
"Mmm, I can," Remus said softly into her ear. The insinuation in his voice was all too apparent, and in half a second she remembered exactly when and under what circumstances Remus had last used the nickname- it had a lot to do with his secret desire to explore her werewolf scars, the ones that ran from somewhere below her left hip up to just below her ear. The current rose again to an aching creschendo, and their bodies no longer found it possible to be apart.
I don't recognize this place, Remus thought groggily as he awoke to the pitter-patter of, you guessed it, more rain, early on Monday morning, around one o'clock. Ouch. Headache, the thought continued. Headache? I only drank hot chocolate... chocolate, of course. I know where I am now.
The girl-woman curled up in his muscular arms, as if reading his thoughts, said, "That'll teach you to have chocolate before bedtime."
The laughter that took Remus eased his mind of all doubts, which were few but somehow strong. "If I woke up like this after every time I ate chocolate before bed, Redwood, I assure you that I would eat chocolate far more often."
"That," Allya replied, doing with her hands what had so nearly made Remus blush earlier, "can be arranged."
This time, when they were finished fooling around, both of them realized- and it took them long enough- that neither had eaten all day Sunday, and both were hungry. Reluctantly, they removed themselves from Allya's bedroom and trudged downstairs to the kitchen to get a bite to eat. There, a house-elf named Tiny prepared a light snack- no questions asked, thankfully.
Needing the comfort of one another's arms, they once again retired to the bedroom, although this time they went straight to sleep.
Well, Allya did; Remus lay awake another half an hour pondering the mysterious turn his life had taken. Even that could not last long, and so, brain power totally spent, he joined her in unconscious bliss.
Monday morning- true morning- came far too quickly for Remus' tastes. When he awoke at around five thirty, Allya was still dozing peacefully, although she stirred a bit when he moved away. After retrieving his clothes (which was bothersome, as he couldn't seem to find the left sock or his boxers for about fifteen minutes- finally he found both, one on the fifth stair and one on the eighth) and catching a quick shower, he pulled small object from his cloak pocket and took a piece of unlined paper from a stack near her lamp, and scribbled a note. It didn't take him long; most of that half hour spent holding Allya's sleeping body had been spent thinking up what, exactly, the note should say.
When it was finished, and placed right beside the alarm clock set for six-oh-five, where Ally was sure to see it, he pulled out his ash wand and apparated- back to the office for another boring day of work as an Auror. If it hadn't been for Ally, he would never have gotten the job, but without his partner it held no interest for him, just tracking the movements of suspected Dark wizards and, if they were guilty, going after them and bringing them to court.
At five after six, Allya Jade awoke, knowing before she opened her eyes that Remus was gone, already in the office at such an early hour. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. She reached over to shut off the alarm clock- but her hand encountered something else, instead. A piece of paper, folded many times. Ally sat up in bed, cutting off the alarm with her left hand while turning over the note in her right. Finally, she worked up the courage to read it. She unfolded it once.
Dearest Allya, it said.
Uh-oh, she thought... sounds oddly formal. Allya read on.
Sorry that I left so early this morning. You know Fwinkovitch, she expects her Aurors in the office at five to six. No matter how much Sirius hates getting up early (she likes him better than me, and he still has to be at work on time).
Anyway... I just wanted to say that I loved you, no matter how many times I said it last night (I was counting, and I think it was around fifteen). And I wanted to ask you a question, but you have to promise you're prepared.
I promise... Ally thought.
Did you promise? the note read. OK, here goes... (open the next fold)
Allya did, and something tiny rolled out onto the comforter. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall until she had read the entire message.
Allya Jade (formerly Allya J. Nightrunner), would you consider changing your name... again?
All my love, Remus
As she slipped it onto her finger, noting how perfectly it fit, she found herself unable to control the flood of tears. Clutching the note to her chest, Ally leaned back against the headboard... then picked up her wand, did a simple charm that would put a 'CLOSED' sign over her wand shop, and headed for the shower.
Proposals were never as romantic the second time around, Remus knew, but he hoped he had done a good job... even if she refused, he had to feel a bit better knowing once more where she lived, how he could get a hold of her...
Sirius walked into his office, expecting to see some decrepit form of Remus, and quite surprised when that was not at all what he found. Remus had his feet up on his desk and one hand behind his head, and was idly throwing darts at a picture of Lucius Malfoy, one of his hated enemies. This wasn't the Remus he was used to; that Remus worked long, hard hours with his head down on his desk and didn't stop to take a coffee break until two in the afternoon. Sirius' face split into a wide grin. "Somebody got some last night."
"Did you?" Remus asked disinterestedly, smiling grimly with satisfaction when he hit Lucius directly in the eye.
Sirius looked puzzled. "Ah... Remus... are you feeling alright?" The concern in his friend's voice made Remus laugh.
"Better than I have in the past..." he checked his watch again, "two hundred ninety-nine days and-"
"So?" Sirius asked impatiently. "You did get some then, didn't you?"
Remus blinked, about to take offense at being interrupted. He took an apprehensive breath, then folded his left hand with his right behind his head. "What makes you say that?"
"You did," Sirius answered for him, taking a seat. "About time you took my advice. So who is she?"
The werewolf grinned. "Guess."
Let's see, Sirius thought. Grin, relaxed, sense of humor and, Padfoot studied his friend for a moment. Yep, there's the glint. But it couldn't be- Black's mouth dropped open. "You found her?"
"Whoever do you mean?" Remus asked, pretending not to know. Sirius let out an exasperated noise and left in a huff, shaking his head. He did, however, hear Lupin's laughter as he shut the door. "Malfoy is a Death Eater!" Remus yelled after him, hitting Lucius in the other eye and moving his mental score up to three hundred and ten.
"James!" Sirius could be heard shouting down the corridor of Aurors. "You'll never guess who Remus found!" ("Or what he did," Sirius muttered to himself.) "Actually, you've probably guessed already if you've seen him this morning... Oh yeah, and Lucius Malfoy is a Death Eater, better get a team on that one..."
James stumbled out of his office, coffee spilled on the cuff of his robe. "You mean he found her? Hey, who had the twentieth of March?"
"He found her yesterday, prat, that's why he's in such a good mood..." Sirius was running down the hallway holding a long piece of parchment with initials, dates and checkmarks down the sides. "Woah, wait a minute," he said, double-checking the nineteenth. "James, who's R.W.?"
"Me!" someone yelled from the end of the hallway. All heads in the Auror wing turned, and a very well-known Auror could be seen moving her things back into her office (the one beside Remus').
"R.W.," James said, smacking himself on the forehead. "Redwood. Hello Allya, how've you been?"
The blonde grinned, pushing a stray piece of hair that had fallen from her elaborate hairstyle back behind her ear. "Considerably better than I've been in the past-" she checked her watch.
"Two hundred ninety-nine days, ten hours, twenty minutes and thirty-one seconds," James and Sirius chorused. "We know," Sirius said. "Remus told us this morning, and we've been keeping track." Remus' head popped out of his door, and Sirius and James exchanged looks and left.
"Hello, gorgeous," he said, allowing her to pass by him into the small but functional room, giving her a quick kiss before closing (and double-locking) the door.
"Hello yourself," Ally said, wearing a sheepish grin. Preparing something else to say, but not quite knowing how to put it, she blurted out, "How'd you know my ring size?" She wouldn't let him see her hands. They were behind her back, in her pockets, in her hair... behind his back as she enfolded him in a hug.
A somewhat strained voice replied, "Um, Ally, this may be a bad time to tell you, but I've been keeping track of it since I was sixteen..."
Allya laughed a bit, and Remus felt his courage renewed. "So. Marrry me?"
She laughed again. "Yes," she shouted.
"Yes?" Remus sounded confused, but then- "Yes?! Yes! Damn I'm glad this office is soundproof, otherwise that might have sounded funny..." He found himself unable to say more; first of all he didn't trust his voice any further, secondly, there seemed to be something in his tongue's way. Once he thought about it, there was only one thing his mouth was capable of doing at the moment.
"Umm," Allya said. "Y'know, I don't officially start my job 'til tomorrow-" a long pause filled with more kisses ensued as Remus' eager lips and tongue devoured her words- "and I'm sure you haven't taken a day off in a while so-," she tried to continue, but was quite out of breath.
Remus kissed her again, then inquired into the sounds of heavy breathing, "D'you think we can make it to the chapel on the corner of Dundas and White before two?"
"Only if we apparate to the dress shop and gather everyone we know now," she answered truthfully, then- "Remus, could you stop that please?! It's really hard to concentrate with you doing that-"
"Think you can get your dress quick and everything?" he asked, voice no longer muffled by her neck (although he was still looking a little farther down than he actually had to to look Ally in the eye). "'Cuz I can get the 'rents and the guests and all that..."
"Go!" she said, pushing his face away from her collarbone before he got any closer. What does he think he is, a vampire? she thought. No, a werewolf. But you've already been bitten; he can't hurt you. And won't. "Tell your boss you're taking a day off. And hurry up. I'll be waiting." Allya apparated away, leaving Remus with a sense of urgency he'd almost never had before.
He tried not to run or look hurried as he went to Fwinkovitch's office, but when he got there, the first thing she said was, "They're going to meet you at the church at two."
Remus looked puzzled.
"Don't you understand?" Fwinkovitch yelled. "James and Sirius told me everything. And I've been keeping an eye out since that time I almost- (I was so close!) caught you making out on her desk... I called everyone already. Go! Go, damnit!"
Lupin didn't need to be told twice. He was gone after she said 'go' the first time.
The wedding (Remus & Allya) was held that very day. Nine months and two days later, the honeymoon finally ended, with the birth of Allya and Remus' twins. (Just joshin' with ya; it was really only two weeks- last minute things, you know- nobody knows where they went but them to this very day.) Sirius and Miore were married the month before Harry's first birthday; Remus and Ally put in a quick appearance but left again around the stroke of ten. I suspect their honeymoon went on nearly until the birth of Miore's daughter, the month after that of Allya's twins. But I wouldn't know; I wasn't present. As I've provided quite enough details, I'm sure you can think up what happened... use your imaginations.
DISCLAIMER: Uh... yeah. I don't own the characters, situations, blah blah blah, everything belongs to J. K. Rowling and I'm not making any money. If I was you wouldn't be hearing about it from me, anyway.
Cast & Author & Fans: All we have to say is... finally!!