"Oh Goddamn it morning sucks ass…" Eric Cartman murmured as he rolled over to the edge of his (rather large) bed. It took most of his strength to hoist himself from bed but finally, he succeeded. He ran a pudgy hand through his hair, tangled and tasseled from sleep, but still he was tired. For the fourth time that week he all-but crawled into his mother's bedroom instead of the adjacent bathroom.
Normally this wouldn't have been a problem but that night Mr. Mackey visited to discuss his 'mental stability.' He scoffed when his mother informed him of this.
'Bullshit.'
Although he never understood why Mr. Mackey insisted on keeping an eye on him through school, first elementary, then middle and now high school. He's even seeing him at home for Christ's sake.
But all of his questions were answered in one TMI orgasm courtesy of his mother.
"Ohh!! YESS! I KNEW YOU COULD DO THAT MORE THAN ONCE!!"
That was all the teen needed to hear before he took off with his hands pressed over his ears screaming "OH MAH GAHD"
'Perfect fucking way to start the morning,' he thought sarcastically as he threw on clothes and raced out the door, before he heard any more morbid cries of ecstasy.
The brunette teen took a deep breath and composed himself, he couldn't let his mom's prostitution get the better of him, she was a crack-whore and…he got used to this sort of behavior from her.
He kicked a stray rock that lingered on the side walk as he strolled to the bus stop. At least there was one thing he could look forward to that day,
Verbally abuse the resident Jew, Kyle.
Laughing at the kosher fag was Cartman's stress reliever and in a twisted way, his amusement.
Yup, he was as fucked up as they came.
But what he does to Kyle is not nearly as brutal as what happened when Scott Tenorman pissed him off. Sure his first notable act of evil was killing his parents and making them into chili only to feed them to him.
The part many would find ludicrous was the fact it all started over pubes, pubes that were sold to him and non-refundable.
Another ridiculous part of this tale was the fact Eric Cartman was only eight years old when this rebellious and cruel act was done. He was just a kid, but in a way he still was.
Still the same sexist, racist, anti-Semitist, Hitler worshiping, homophobic, intolerant, bastard he used to be except he lost a little weight, not much though. Cheesy Poofs were still a drug to him.
But smoking it does not work. After a very odd dare thanks to Kyle, Cartman tried to smoke it to gain the remainder of said fair skinned fag's infamous 'Jew Gold.' Not only did half of the school burn down, Mrs. Garrison's boobs burnt off in the process. So while Kyle, Stan and Kenny laughed their little faggy asses off, he had to surgically sew them back on.
His musings ceased when he reached his destination and was greeted by the appearance his 'sorta kinda friends-ish.' The three boys in front of him had many changes since the early years.
Kyle grew in stature, reaching a solid five feet, eight inches. 'Pretty tall for a Jew,' Cartman commented about a week prior. To which Kyle said 'Better Jew then fat.' To which Cartman replied 'I can diet.' To which Kyle promptly punched him in the face and stalked off.
The Jew hater still needed a good payback plan…
The green signature hat that all of South Park had grown accustom to was gone and replaced by curly red tresses that almost fell over his fierce aqua eyes. His clothes were simple, semi-ripped jeans and a pop-over green hoodie.
And in Cartman's valued opinion Kyle had become (or always was…) a gay, ass-ramming fag that only cares about school (and his equally faggy boyfriend Stan. "FUCK YOU CARTMAN! STAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!" Kyle screamed when Cartman shared his 'valued' opinion.) But that was just it; no one valued Cartman's opinion.
What he found more hilarious was the fact that the ass-banging Jew had to wear reading glasses. Not many people find glasses funny, but these were like glasses the size of his own ass according to Kenny who tragically died his 700th death that day when he made that remark. (Only to come back the day after, carrying bags from 'Satan's Finest' claiming Satan himself made him buy hell's signature trinkets.)
Stan outgrew his pin-straight, black hair so it stealthily shielded his left eye from view. He was the star quarterback of the high school team, successfully outshining the black asshole that was, Token Black.
Clad in a blue, Zoo York tee shirt and skinny rockish jeans.
Kenny, the town's local whore, (except Mrs. Cartman and the late Mr. Slave…he stuck an animal a little too far up his ass.) The blonde had long yet not girlishly long hair that despite his 'poverty stricken family' (as Kyle put it so eloquently. Cartman just called him 'a poor piece of crap') did wash it every night. His sharp blue eyes stood out among his orange clad body including an orange parka (sans hood) and faded orange sweat pants.
The fat teen noted the raven haired boy's hand intertwined with the fair skinned Jew's as he whispered in his ear, proceeding to make Kyle blush. Kenny was standing off to the side, his hand swiftly rubbing at his crotch.
"Ey! Fags, how many fucking skittles did you eat for breakfast this morning? Goddamn rainbow children."
He watched with satisfaction as Stan jumped from Kyle and stared at Cartman with wide eyes.
"Good morning to you too fatass." Stan snarked as he glanced at Kyle out of the corner of his eye.
Kyle was nervously wringing his hands and staring listlessly at the ground.
"Looks like the Jew needs a hug, hey Stan why don't you hug him and try not to pinch his ass while you're at it."
Kyle finally looked up. He glared daggers at the brunette teen before he lunged forward. If it wasn't for Stan holding the seething Kyle, the resident fatass would have earned himself a large shiner.
"Kahl, you really need to get that sand out of your vagina."
At this point Stan was considering letting his Jewish friend go at it with Cartman, if it wasn't for that interruption that he thought it to be God sent.
"Excuse me…Is this the bus stop for South Park High?" A petite girl asked, tapping her foot impatiently. She had flowing brown hair and striking hazel eyes that were studying her surroundings. Her clothes were not flamboyant yet not crude. Clad in an orange sweat shirt and flared jeans.
"Depends on who's asking." Carman snarked stepping in front of the rest of the group. He scoffed at her ensemble, he scoffed at her accent (or lack of), and he scoffed at the way she stood there, looking utterly alienated.
Let's just say Carman had a thing against new kids.
(In reference to the last new kid, that everyone had yet to receive a letter from out of the country. The government wouldn't reveal the exact location, for the child's personal safety.)
The girl tuned Cartman out and glanced at Kyle and Stan. Stan was still holding Kyle by the arms from when he was going to most likely murder Carman.
She seemed to be trying to hold back a grin when she made her next remark.
"So uh…when's the next pride rally?"
Stan promptly threw up, letting go of his 'kosher chew toy.' Kyle stumbled forward and looked down on the girl.
"GODDAMN IT I AM NOT GAY!!"
The girl burst into a fit of hysterics and partially leaned onto Cartman for support. (Not even a hurricane could knock Fat Fuck or FF off the ground.)
Between bouts of laughter the girl sputtered out an almost understandable comment.
"I can't say the same for your friend there." She pointed behind them toward the (almost) unnoticed Kenny (still) masturbating.
Stan rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Aww aww. Kenny, you could have at least had the decency to go behind the bush."
Kenny threw Stan a flirty wink.
"And miss the front row view of all the action? Naw thanks babe."
Kyle's face reddened and he went back to pissed-off-diabetic-Jew-that-can't-have-candy-and-really-wants-sugar mode. (Or was it pissed-off-Jew-that-isn't-fucking-GAY! Anyone could mix those up.)
"THERE WAS NO ACTION!! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I AM NOT GAY!"
Carman slowly shook his head back and forth, like a disappointed parent.
"I told him to get that sand out of his vagina."
Kyle grew murderous and pounced on him.
Kenny quickly shushed them.
"Hey, where'd the hot new girl go?"
The feuding duo split up and glanced around. Stan also scanned the area.
They only saw a big yellow bus speeding off into the distance, with a very smug looking girl waving from the back seat.
"Kahl, this is all your fault."
A/N Okay, this is my first South Park Fic and I would liked some feedback. I am not the best at Grammar and constructive criticism is welcome. This will be Carman x OC and there will probably be some Style subplot. So please, REVIEW
Note: This fic might not get finished and ideas are welcome (to help the finalizing process)