Author's Note:
Short entries connected to Descent, Ascension and Impact. Mostly Kensi centered.
This was written in the Notes app on my phone, one hour into the new year. I'm sorry if it's just a confused rant of sorts. At least it made sense when I wrote it. Please drop off a review and tell me. Happy New Year!
Edit: I noticed that when reading this in Safari, the font changes to cursive. I still haven't figured out how to fix it but it's not a flashback or anything, and has nothing to do with the story.
DAMAGE ASSESSMENT
"You live, you learn, you love, you burn
You win, you lose, becoming you"
Titiyo feat. Kleerup
#1
She shouldn't be pushing this. It's unfair, especially after Sam delivered that blow of distrust in front of everybody up in OPS. But she just wants him to speak up. He's been lying (well, withholding) for months and she thinks she has sort of forgiven him for that. Because she knows that one does not say no to Owen Granger.
So she packs her things, accuses him of horrible communication skills even if she suspects that it's not ideal to have very real and potentially very partnership changing conversations when she's about to leave for Iran within an hour.
It's the second time in under a week that she walks out of the armory, leaving her partner and a heap of unfinished business behind.
#2
It feels good to be back on the bike. Even if she hates this mission, Sidorov and his sneaky ways, it feels like they're so close this time. They're ending this soon, she can feel it. Sidorov is not getting away this time.
She pulls up in front of her own car. For once it doesn't bother her that Deeks is driving around in her Cadillac. She sees him kneeling a few feet away, binoculars in hand. Even if he hasn't turned around yet, she knows that he's aware of her presence.
Apart from the reply to her "I'm back on American soil"-text she sent him late last night, she hasn't really spoken to him since their near fight in the armory.
Why is it that every time their finding their bearings, a good flow in whatever they're doing, something gets in the way? They'd been in a good place before he went back under as Max Gentry.
(Before Monica...)
She thinks back to the night spent babysitting Kam. He'd taken her up on her offer. "Played house" as he'd so nicely put it. Kensi'd had a good time. Not once had she felt uncomfortable despite spending hours in such a domestic situation with her partner. More like the opposite...
She tries not to mar the memory by remembering how later that night as Sam came back home, he had turned her down for beers and a movie (which as of lately also usuall means sleepover on her couch).
But no matter how hard she tries to be fair and professional, she can't get out of her head that he'd most likely spent that night in Monica's bed.
She swallows hard, yet by the time she takes cover beside him behind the bushes, she can feel her body going rigid with tension.
Dammit, Kensi. Let it go!
#3
Of course he had to bring it up. It's barely eight hours since she got back, they haven't seen each other in a few days and he has to lead with that. And she takes the bit. Had it not been for the tension already so thick when she left, maybe she would have just let it slide. Not picked this particular fight. But right now, the way he almost taunts her is just too much.
Fuming with anger, Kensi stalks off, ripping her helmet from the handlebar. She'd managed to focus for a moment but then Deeks (stupid Deeks) just had to mention Monica. Like he could sense her aggravation and call her out on her admittedly poorly disguised jealousy. She shouldn't be surprised. He had probably sensed it all the way from Iran...
Why does he always have to push her buttons when he knows it annoys her?! He'd even accused her of being jealous during the whole Monica debacle, while she was running surveillance on the cover house.
As she fiddles with the clasp on her helmet, she sees him in her periphery. She keeps ranting, noticing him standing up to go after her, and she hopes he won't interrupt her this time because right now she is not in the mood for fighting with him.
She just wants..- Gosh, she doesn't even know that. She wants the truth. For Deeks to grow a pair and just stop with all his stupid metaphors, dodging questions and childish accusations. Some kind of open communication. She doesn't know which kind, just something...
Turns out it doesn't matter what she wants, as he for once makes a decision for her. She's used to him following her lead, backing down when she charges forward, always giving her space. This time he doesn't. This time he communicates in a way that leaves no doubt of what he means.
Her brain short circuits the moment she feels his hand on her jaw, intention more than clear. His kiss is short, yet overwhelming, intense and more than a game changer.
Deeks just kissed her. And now he's still cradling her face with such tenderness, looking at her, challenging her to deny that she's been thinking of doing the exact same thing lately. Because she has. God only knows how many times...
But while he still finds his voice, she's stunned into silence. She shuts down and quickly pulls on her helmet, says something about Michelle and drives off, heart still lodged and pounding somewhere in her throat area.
But merely half an hour later, it drops heavily into her stomach as Eric's voice float through their coms, telling her they lost contact with both him and Sam.
#4
The static from Deeks' earpiece is deafening. She wants to yell at Eric for sounding so panicked. She immediately gets a bad feeling. A very very bad feeling.
Kensi hates herself for even thinking it but she knows better than to be an optimist. Life has taught her otherwise. But dead or alive, she's getting her partner back. They all have to follow through on this case, even if it feels like there are too many players and not enough trust.
As she springs back into action, her focus is more intense than ever. She wants to think of it as professionalism but there is no denying that helpless, desperate feeling at the thought of their first real kiss also being their very last.
#5
As Kensi rips the door open and enters the auto body shop, she has no idea what's waiting. She just needs to get inside.
She needs Deeks. She needs to see him. Touch him. And most of all, she needs him to be alive.
He is. But another hour or so and he probably wouldn't have been. She hears Granger come in after her, continuing into the next room but she soon forgets about him as she kneels down in front of her partner.
With her own heartbeat pounding in her ears she takes in the sight before her. There's blood everywhere. On his face, on his clothes. His hair matted with sweat, jaw swollen and eyes closed. She calls his name but no response. Kensi can feel her heartbeat speeding up even more as she desperately tries to get a sign of his.
"No…"
A whimper in a voice that she can barely recognize as her own escapes as she reaches out to run her hands down his arms, trying to rouse him. She calls his name again. And again.
Finally she realizes that he is indeed breathing and after a few moments (that feel more like hours) he finally opens his eyes. They're dark, haunted and almost empty. Not like when she last saw him, when they'd been stormy blue and swirling with emotions.
For a moment, she thinks he doesn't even register she's there. Then he begs and the way he does it makes her want to cry.
Because she knows what she's about to do next. As she carefully places the blood packs under his shirt, she can't help the tears forming in her eyes. If Deeks notices he doesn't say anything.
She secures the pack, gently skimming her fingers down his abdomen, desperately wanting nothing but to cut him loose and leave this god awful place behind.
It goes against her body's every instinct to get up on her feet and walk away. He looks at her like she's leaving him to die and to be honest that's how she feels too. Gently palming his jaw, she hates how much it resembles his gesture up on the hilltop.
Their kiss feels like a lifetime ago and as she steps back out they way they came, tears stubbornly clouding her vision and her mind, she finds herself almost questioning whether it really happened at all.
#6
As Granger forces to walk back through the ER, Kensi clenches her jaw so tight that by the time they reach the car, her whole head hurts. But she had made it out even if with eveyr step, she had wanted to just crumble into a crying heap on the floor.
She briefly considers defying orders. Her partner has been tortured for God's sake and Granger is forcing her back to work the case. For the third time in 24 hours, she's turning her back on the one person she should always stay beside.
They join Callen and she quickly finds herself wanting to punch him too. How can he be so calm about this?! His partner has been tortured too. His partner's wife is in danger.
Once again, Kensi forces her head back into the game. This time she doesn't even try to deny to herself that she doesn't care how the rest of the mission goes anymore.
This is all about Deeks now.
#7
Just when she's certain this is going to end in a catastrophe, simply because things don't go well when she's without her partners, he appears. Before she can blink, it's all over. Taking a look around the helipad, it takes a second before she's convinced they're all still standing. No more blood or bullet wounds.
Deeks slowly lowers his gun before sitting back on his heels, breathing heavily from running up the stairs. Kensi secures her own gun and stands back, eyes shifting from her partner to Sam and Michelle, wrapped in a tight embrace a few feet away.
She can't even imagine what it must feel like, going undercover with your spouse and not being able to break cover and save them when they're in danger. Kensi glances at Deeks and suddenly wishes she could just fall into his arms. That he would reassure her it's over. But then she spots the gash on his cheek and is almost ashamed of herself. He has been hurt and she's the one wanting someone to lean on...
Instead she puts a hand on his shoulder. He looks up at her questioning, as if he knows she wants to say something. But she just gives it a squeeze before heading for the door.
#8
Back at OSP, Kensi decides to give him some space and instead goes to pack up her things in the armory. It's merely four days ago since she stood here, watching Deeks across the table, trying and failing to communicate - again. Now she can't help but blame herself and it's not the first time she suspects that she might be a little too hard on him. Even after all this time.
Leaning back against the table, she slowly pulls the elastic from her hair, letting her braid loosen along with the tension in her muscles. Mission complete. And another one begins. Deeks had barely said a word in the car on the way back, refused to even look at her just like at the hospital. Maybe he needs time… Alone. To come to terms with everything without her messing up, because lets face it, she's not the best when it comes to emotional support...
Or maybe... Maybe there is that slight chance that he actually needs her to suck it up this time and be there for him, even if she really has no idea what to say, much less do for him. Sighing, she snaps the elastic around her wrist and goes to search for her partner.
#9
She can hear him in the bullpen. And she hears the muffled thud of things hitting cardboard. He's packing…
She resists the urge to turn back the way she came. Whatever is going on can't be good. If he's packing up his belongings in boxes then she might as well prepare herself for a new partner, right?
But she has walked away enough for today. For the entire length of their partnership. She studies him and the Marty Deeks who only days ago ended their argument by kissing her senseless is not the Marty Deeks who she's sneaking up on now.
She awkwardly tries to make him open up, using a plethora of cliches. She doesn't know what he feels like. And she's pretty sure that if Deeks wanted to talk, he would really go to her. No need to say it.
But he does talk, a little, and his words pretty much break her heart. Because she can tell it's not just something he says for pity, attention or because he's doped up on pain meds. He means it. He seriously doubts whether this is the right place for him and that he is actually considering walking away.
Well, after her poor attempts at showing her support and her walking away from him in far more desperate situations… Maybe she deserves this. She failed and he paid the price. Maybe it's only right that this is how it ends…
"Gosh, Kens, this is not about you," she reprimands she can't help it, can't help fearing that he will actually go through with it.
She wants to tell him so many things, that he belongs here. How afraid she's been throughout this entire case. How she is ready to do anything for him to feel better and decide to come back to work again. But he seems to have made up his mind. At least regarding the distance thing.
As she slowly turns to leave the bullpen, it feels like a fist in her gut when his broken voice calls her back. His next words proceed to knock her world completely of its axis. The implication of his words are almost too much to take in. But the sudden steadiness of his voice, the way he actually looks at her when he speaks… Maybe he's not walking away from everyone.
The door slams down the hall and she curses Sam and Callen for returning in this very moment. Or maybe she's a little bit grateful too? All she knows, as she looks back at Deeks again, is that if it hadn't been for the interruption she would have been the one kissing him this time.
#10
Hope once again ignites as he accepts to go out for drinks. Maybe he just needs time to recover. A few weeks. Then things will go back to normal. Kensi is still a little bummed out at Sam and Callen's earlier interruption. She and Deeks were finally going somewhere with their communication.
(Well, at least they seem to be developing a new way to communicate, because the answer to his question regarding kissing being qualified as communicating is a resounding yes if Kensi has a say in the matter…)
They order beers and despite everything conversation floats pretty well. Deeks even joins in and every time he delivers a quip or just a small smile, Kensi feels hope rise up within only to be squashed back down as she watches him disappear into his own memories again.
They call it a night around eleven and she's slightly surprised when Deeks quietly asks her for a ride home. Maybe he has decided to talk to her after all.
But no. Fifteen minutes later she pulls up outside his apartment and he hasn't said a word during the entire ride.
"Talk tomorrow?" she asks quietly as he gets out. But he just glances at her, nods once before whispering "goodnight" without meeting her eyes.
As she drives off she can't quite shake off the feeling that they won't.
#11
After the fifteenth day of unanswered texts and calls, she impulsively ships a cronut all the way from New York.
On the sixteenth day, she leaves on in his doorstep after both calling and knocking multiple times.
She drives by on the twenty sixth day and if her heart has already broken down the middle, she is certain that the sight of the untouched cronut bag shatters it into pieces.
#12
As she studies his sleeping face, she can practically see the traces of the past weeks etched into his skin. But with every steady breath and the words "it's a love story" still echoing in her ears, Kensi slowly feels the weight lifting from her chest.
Nightmares, abandoned pastries, unanswered calls and texts, disastrous triple dates with Nell and Rose… It all fades away as she takes in the sight of her sleeping partner and his stupid, pink cat pillow.
The world is slowly tilting back onto its regular axis.
For the first time in months, Kensi is certain they will figure it out.
They always do.
End note:
Well, that's it. Hopefully it makes sense. I'm sorry if the timeline is off, it's been a while since I watched these episodes. I really think there was potential to develop that particular storyline regarding the whole torture aftermath. But hey, that's what fanfiction is for. Reviews are definitely appreciated.