INFINITELY MORE IMPORTANT
September, 2011
"Richard, would you bring in that bottle of wine that I uncorked to let breathe?"
"Yes, Mother. Do you already have the glasses on the table?"
"Yes, darling."
Rick grabbed the bottle of wine and gathered the salad bowl and serving tongs, as Alexis carried the caldron of steaming pasta to the dining room table. Rick returned to the kitchen to get the various sauces that would meet the individual needs of the diverse tastes, oil and garlic for Alexis, tomato for Martha and meat sauce for Rick. As they each started to fill their separate salad plates, the buzzer for the door to the loft sounded. Rick motioned for the ladies to continue, and he left the table to answer the door.
The beauty of the face that was never out of his mind caused the hesitation in his greeting, "...Kate...Jim, what a surprise, please come in. You're just in time." he said.
Kate looked at Rick with an air of confusion, "Just in time for what?"
"For dinner, of course. Please come in and join us. We just sat down", he replied.
Both Becketts started to offer their apologies, but Jim won out, "I'm sorry Rick, we didn't mean to barge in on your dinner, we just wanted to bring back your car and the keys to the house and to tell you how much we appreciate you letting us use them these past few months. It meant a lot to both of us."
"Well, it's the very least that I could do. Kate, you...you look incredible. I hope you're feeling as good as you look."
"Thank you. I feel like I'm getting stronger every day, and let me echo Dad's words, thank you for everything these last few months... That being said, we'll get out of here and let you all eat your dinner."
As though floating on the draft of desert thermals, "Katherine Beckett, get in here," Martha proclaimed as she swept from the dining area to the loft entry. "James, it's so good to see you again." Martha placed her hands on Kate's arms and allowed her eyes to scan her presence, "Kiddo, you look absolutely gorgeous. Are hugs still out of the question, or may I?"
Not having a smile on your face around Martha Rodgers would almost seem sacrilegious and Kate didn't disappoint, "Hello, Martha, and yes, a hug would be more than alright." It seemed like some form of kinetic energy was passing between the two women as the smiles softened and the pressure of the embrace was enhanced. Finally parting, their eyes told the story of relief and hope.
Martha sniffed and moved away from Kate to embrace her father, "James the sea air must have been good for you too, you look wonderful...Richard, get two more place settings while I get these two seated."
"Martha, no, we can't...
"Nonsense, I won't hear of it. Alexis come and greet Kate and her dad," Martha stated as she led the Becketts into the dining room.
Alexis tentatively approached the pair, "Hi, Mr. Beckett. It's good to see you again."
"Good evening, Alexis, and please call me Jim," he offered.
"Oh, well, thank you sir...Uh, hi Detec...Kate. I'm so glad that you're back home. I...we have all missed you...very much," she stuttered.
Not one to miss the uneasiness of the situation, Kate simply opened her arms and the young girl melted into her embrace. "I've missed you as well." She whispered into her ear as they held each other tightly, "I'm fine, Lex, I'm sorry for everything that has happened, but we will get through this. All of us will get stronger every day. Okay?"
"Yeah...I just...okay," was her soft reply.
Throughout all of these exchanges, Rick's eyes were riveted to her face. The months of concern, the months of longing, all evident in his gaze. Breaking from his thoughts, he quickly moved to the task at hand, "Jim, what would you like to drink? We have coffee, ice tea, sparkling water and pure water."
"Coffee and pure water is good for me, Rick," he replied.
"Kate, since you say you are doing so well, you should have finished your pain medication about three weeks ago. Would you like some wine?"
"And what day would that have been three weeks ago, Castle?"
"That would have been a Thurs..." He caught himself before the hole he was digging got any deeper.
The rolling of her eyes had momentarily let him off the hook, "You're never going to stop are you?"
"Is that a yes, or a no on the wine, Detective?"
"Since you know everything, I shouldn't have to answer."
"...I missed you, too."
Rick made his way to the kitchen insuring that they would be able to avoid getting deeper into one of 'their moments'. As he did, Jim whispered into his daughter's ear, "How did he know that? Do you think he was having us watched?"
"Dad, I have no doubt he was having us watched, but that kind of thing would not have been something that would have been picked up. He just has a habit of paying attention to little things. It can be quite annoying, and sometimes very... Never mind."
"He has a habit of paying attention to certain people as well," her father offered.
"Don't start again, Dad. Let's sit down," she countered, with a stern look that was easily laughed off by her father.
Dinner conversation centered around Alexis' first couple of weeks of her senior year in high school and her on again, off again plans for early graduation; the progress being made on Martha's acting school; and the experiences of the Becketts at the beach house. Kate was particularly fascinated at watching the power of the electrical storms that would sweep up the coastline. Although she didn't care for them very much, it was impossible not to be mesmerized by the sheer energy that nature could unleash.
As everyone was finishing their entrees, Rick excused himself to go to the kitchen and prepare their desserts. As he left, Kate picked up her wine glass and traced his steps, "Hey?"
"Oh, hi, what can I get you?"
She watched herself run her finger around the top of her wine glass and slowly raised her eyes to meet his, "Could we talk for a second?"
"Sure."
"Not here."
"Uh,...why don't you go into the study, I'll take the dessert out to the others, and I'll be right in. Is that okay?"
"Yeah. I'll see you in there."
Castle sliced the pound cake and placed it on the serving tray along with the bowl of strawberries, the whipped cream and the dessert plates. He also grabbed the coffee pot along the way and positioned the items in the center of the dining room table, "You all go ahead with dessert, Kate and I will be with you in a second."
As she walked into to the study, Kate realized that it had been almost seven months since she'd been to his loft, coming here -forced here- to work out their own theories of the terrorist threat. The books that lined the walls, the darkened screen of his storyboard, and the currently abandoned laptop on his desk drew her back to thoughts of the beach house. The library/study there was probably three times the size of the one at the loft. Eighteen foot high book shelves that soared from floor to ceiling on three of the four walls. Two ladders with rollers affixed to a track that traversed the walls providing access to the upper shelves. The ocean side wall was virtually glass covered except for the stone fireplace that stood at it's center. Two couches and two arm chairs were separated by a massive coffee table. If the house itself had become her sanctuary, that room had become her haven.
Kate ran her fingers along the spines of the books on the shelves and continued her reverie of her haven. Walking down 42nd Street, searching through a warehouse or sitting in the precinct she was always attuned to his scent. Here in the library, mixing that scent with the smell of the leather bound books, the stacked wood of the fireplace and the sea air, Kate couldn't help but get lost in a world of sensory bliss. Although she had been ensconced in the house's master suite, there had been many a night that her father would find that she had fallen asleep on one of the couches in the library. So many times that he finally had placed a quilt over the back of the couch so he wouldn't have to go and retrieve one. Kate had accidentally discovered when she had been in the bathroom that was accessed from the library that there were several quilts in the room's linen closet. He has this enormous house with a master bedroom that is the size of my apartment, and he comes out here and likely sleeps on a couch for most of the time. God, will I ever truly understand this man.
As she walks around his desk, Kate's eyes fall upon the two framed photographs that stand guard at the left side of its top surface. As she scans the photograph of Rick and Alexis walking down the street, she marvels at how poignantly perfect that moment is in defining the essence of the lives of these two. As her gaze moves to the other photo her mind works feverishly to try to grasp for a where?, a when? and a why?
"Hey."
"Oh, hi. Everyone alright out there," she says.
"Yeah. I caught a couple of looks, but I think we're covered. Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?" he asked.
"No, I'm fine, really. I just wanted to...you know this picture of you and Alexis is just almost too beautiful for words."
"Thanks. I don't usually keep pictures out on my desk, but over the past four months I've spent a great deal of time in here and I just wanted to look at something to help make me feel better, or more hopeful. That kind of thing. Mother took that picture, actually. She had come to live with us for a while back then. Alexis had turned five that day and Meredith had forgotten to cal...uh... Well, anyway, I was walking her to her favorite ice cream parlor for a hot fudge sundae, and Mother took the picture as we were leaving the building. When Alexis sees that photograph, she always comments that it was taken during 'our selfish period'."
"Your selfish period?" Kate asked with a confused look.
Rick chuckled as he explained, "By the time that photograph was taken it had just been the two of us for so many years, well I guess just a few years since she was only five, but it was like it was the two of us against the world. I was there for her, she was there for me. Unconditionally. It's virtually the same now, but it has evolved. I have to share her more, and she shares me. Different, but still unconditional. It's harder for me now, but I don't know if it's harder for her. Hopefully, if I've done a decent enough job she can handle anything that comes her way, even leaving her father in the near future."
Kate looks away from him as he finishes his answer and sets her gaze at the city lights through the window. Don't get caught up in this. Just do what you came in here to do.
"Where did you get this photo of me?"
"Oh, that. Well, I...hell, Kate, on your worst day you're so very beautiful. That picture was from the night we went to the nightclub to track down 'Oz'. That night...your dress, your jacket, your hair, your eyes...you just... took my breath away. The closed circuit cameras in the hallways outside of the entrances to the various apartments had captured our coming and going. I had the security guys play the tapes of that night for me and I found this one instance where you briefly looked over your shoulder and I captured that image and made a copy of it. After all of these months since then, it still causes a hitch in my breathing."
"Truly, do you ever sleep? For the last three years you spend almost all day, every day with me. You spend time with Alexis, you've written three books, you do things like this, not to mention a number of other things. When do you sleep?"
"I really never thought about it. I just try to do what I'm supposed to do, be there for you, be there for Alexis and meet my responsibilities of my true profession. Sleep has to fit in there somewhere, or I would be dead by now. I just can't tell you for certain when it takes place. Kate...you didn't ask to come in here to talk about the photos on my desk, or my sleep patterns. What is it? Did I do something?", he asked.
Shaking her head in frustration, Kate softly begins, "No, you didn't do anything, and I wish you would quit thinking you did. That is a topic for another time. But, …...there is something that I need you to do."
"Of course."
She moved from behind his desk to a position directly in from of him, "I've spent the last four months recuperating from this 'thing', and it has given me the opportunity to look more closely at everything that has happened in my life, and our life. I've been able to go through the process of recovering from a traumatic experience and deal with all of the different levels that it entails. I don't know whether it was better or worse that you weren't with me during that time, but I was able to spend more time with my father than I have since I was a teenager and it was really nice. I think he may have gotten as much out of it as I did. Speaking of which, you may want to frisk him before we leave this evening to make sure he didn't make copies of the keys to the car and the house. He became almost as childlike as you become sometimes."
"He and you can have both of them, if you want," he quietly interjected.
"You had a 'selfish period', huh?"
"I can be selfish about people, Kate, not about possessions."
"So, since I'm a 'one writer girl', does that make you a 'one detective boy'?"
"Its never been anything else."
She smiled lightly as she shook her head, "Oh, Castle, what we have done to one another. You've made mistakes, I've made mistakes and we've made mistakes. You've always been so good about apologizing, or making sure that your actions demonstrate that you were sorry for things that you did, or we did. I haven't done that very well, and I want you to know that I will be better about that in the future. The healing that I've been doing has been physical in nature. The mental and emotional healing is progressing, but I'm going to need your help with that to make everything as alright as it can be. That's why I need you to do something for me."
Kate moved away from him to place the wine glass she had been holding on his desk. As she turned back to him, she began to pull her shirt out from her pants. As she raised the shirt up to the breast-line of her torso, Rick turned his head to avert his eyes, "Kate."
"Please. I need you to look."
Rick turned back to look into her eyes before lowering them to look at the scar. "It's the wonders of modern medicine," she stated, "The incision line is barely longer than the bullet hole. All the work they did internally was done through that small opening. The incision scar fades more and more each day, and the internal damage will get better in time... Castle, I need you to touch it... because I can't have you being afraid for me,... and Rick, I can't have you being afraid of me."
"Kate,... please."
"Do this for me,... please?"
Rick extended his hand toward her and his fingers trembled as they hovered over the scar. As one of her hands continued to hold up her shirt, Kate used the other to lightly cover his fingers and guide them to the scar. As she allowed her hand to guide him, she looked into his eyes to see that the water that had gathered there was now cascading down his cheeks. She dropped her shirt over their hands as she used her free hand to wipe the tears from his face.
"Kate, I'm so sorry."
"I know you are, but there is nothing for you to be sorry about...What I want is for this to be the last time you shed tears over this scar and what it symbolizes. I know that you care about me and that you care for me, so lets get past this. If you have to get angry with me, or with us, or with this whole mess, I need you to do it. I'll be there for you if you want me to be, or you can to it on your own. I heard what you said to me in the cemetery, and probably sooner rather than later I want to share the same with you, but we need to make sure that we deal with this process. No more tears, no more anger, no more bargaining. I might have been semiconscious, but I heard all of those things that you would do, or give up, if you could just have me be alright. Well, I won't be alright if they take you and not me, nor any of those other stupid things that you pledged. I don't want to force you through this process, I just want you to have the same opportunity that you gave me these last months. You're setting the pace now, not me. When we are both at the same place, then we will share the pace setting."
"I love you, Kate, and I have for a very long time."
"I know that now, but I've probably known it for a very long time as well... Come on, we'd better get back in there before my father and your mother start to weave some sort of conspiracy... You, okay?"
"Yeah,...uh... just give me a minute. I wasn't expecting this. You go ahead, I'll be right there."
"Rick, I didn't mean to blindside you. I just haven't been around you for so long that I couldn't stand the thought of where your head might be,... and where we might be."
"I understand,... really I do. I'll be right out."
As she wiped away the last of the tears on his cheeks, her right hand slid down to his chest and she softly patted the heart that lay beneath. Kate lifted his right hand that was still in her left, and pressed her lips to his fingers.
As she approached the table she could feel the eyes of her father and his two ladies searching for answers, "I'm sorry we were gone for so long. He'll be right out. The strawberries look scrumptious, may I?"
"Certainly, dear. The whipped cream and pound cake are truly sinful, so help yourself," Martha offered as her smile delivered a beckoning call of acceptance.
"Katie?"
As she looked across the table at Jim and Martha, and to her right at Alexis, she attempted to avert the conversation away from 'their' talk in the study, "I'm fine, Dad. Its just been a long four months, and this family has been very good to us. I...uh...we just had to say a few things."
"This table is filled with family, Kate. There are no visitors, nor guests here tonight. Just family. Please remember that."
"Thanks, Lex. It means a great deal to...
CRASH!
"Oh my God,... Dad!" Alexis cried out as she started to rise from the table.
Just as she began to move, Kate placed her right hand on top of Alexis' left one, "It's alright, Lex, he's fine."
"But...
"Trust me. He'll be fine. We...uh...just kind of had our own 'selfish period' moment in there... Okay?"
Alexis' eyes met Kate's and the meaning of her words was captured with a softly expressed, "Oh."
Rick's movements from the study to the kitchen did not go unnoticed by those at the table. On his return to the study, they could see that he had a broom and a dust pan in hand. Watching as he retraced his steps back to the kitchen, they could hear the remnants of shards being emptied into a trash bin.
As the pantry door closed, he returned to his seat at the head of the table, "Sorry for the commotion. I caught my foot on the end table and the urn that was there is...well its a...not there any more." She could see that the faint smile on his lips never reached his eyes, but he was still a master at covering his own pain.
"Oh, Dad, I'm sorry. You loved that urn."
His eyes never left the top of Kate's head that was now lowered to conceal her face as he responded to his daughter's comfort, "Its alright, sweetheart. I liked the urn, but it's a thing. What we love is infinitely more important."
In nature, the quiet that precedes the onslaught of a tornado, or the momentary stillness in the eye of a hurricane can be as deafening as the tumult that is to follow. The utter absence of sound and movement that surrounds a dining room table in a Manhattan loft during the advent of Fall, occupied by a family where three sets of eyes are gazing at a fourth set of eyes that are transfixed on the bowed head of the fifth, is no less powerful a precursor as to what may follow..."I love you, too."