The day after April signed the divorce papers and found out about her pregnancy, she went to work and acted as though the marriage she so desperately fought for hadn't ended. She worked as hard as she always did, if not harder. She performed well in all her surgeries. No tears were shed, no tempers were lost, and no breakdowns were had.
Everyone was impressed, except for three people, who saw that underneath her calm and peaceful demeanor was a pit of sadness. One was her ex-husband, who kept stealing worried glances in her direction whenever she wasn't looking. Another was Nathan Riggs, who was no stranger to this side of her. And the third was Arizona Robbins.
Arizona looked on helplessly as April's shoulders stiffened ever so slightly when Jackson entered the ER to treat a burn patient. She could tell right away that April was torn between wanting to break down and tell him about the baby, and trying to keep herself together in front of him.
An hour later, as they were eating lunch in the cafeteria, Arizona leaned in and asked her in a whisper.
"Are you going to tell him about the baby?"
"I... I'm not ready to tell him yet."
"April, he deserves to know."
"I know he deserves to know, which is why I'm going to tell him when I'm ready."
"And when will that be exactly? When you look like you're growing a giant watermelon in your belly?"
"Maybe, I don't know, okay?"
"You better know, April. What if he finds out and –"
April's eyes widen in fear. "Oh my God, Arizona, are you planning on telling him?"
"No! Of course not. I promised you I won't say anything and I won't. But that doesn't mean he can't find out about it through some other way. He's already seen you pregnant before, he's going to figure out you're pregnant again eventually."
"I know, I know. But I just... I want to keep it to myself first."
"Are you sure that's wise? April, how is he going to react it –"
"I know how he's going to react, Arizona. You don't need to tell me!" April hisses.
"Okay... okay. I'm sorry," Arizona soothes, patting her arm.
"It's just... if I tell him now, I know for a fact that he's going to want to be there all the time, at the doctor's appointments and the check-ups, and he's going to be all caring and concerned about me because of the baby, and I just... I won't be able to handle it, being so close to him like that, not after... it's already killing me just seeing him from across the hall. I just can't yet. I'm not ready."
"Okay, I understand."
"Ugh, I feel like my insides are like this one giant lava lamp, all squishy and... turny," she complains as she and Arizona make their way through the hospital lobby. "And don't even get me started on my mood swings."
"Oh, I won't. Trust me, I know all about your mood swings," Arizona quips.
And it's true. It's been a month since the night April told her about the pregnancy, and the two women have been spending most of their free time together. Every now and then, Arizona would ask her when she plans on telling Jackson about the baby, and the reaction she'd get is always the same – her expression turns reluctant and uneasy as she tells her she isn't ready yet.
"I know, I know. It's really bad. It wasn't this bad though when I was pregnant with..." she hesitates, and then she breathes. "When I was pregnant with Samuel."
Seeing Arizona look at her with sad eyes, April shakes her head, forcing the painful memory out of her system, and smiles. "Anyway, you have no right to complain because you've gone on, what, four dates already because of me? Admit it, I'm a better wingman than Webber."
"Yeah, okay fine, your divorced-and-pregnant sob story works like a charm... until your pregnant lady hormones start making you act like a crazy psycho person."
Both women laugh as they walk out the main doors and onto the parking lot, completely oblivious to the man only a couple of steps behind them who has just stopped dead in his tracks.
They're already in the parking lot, talking about the last time April accompanied Arizona to her usual lesbian bar, when they hear the doors behind them swing open accompanied by an accusing voice.
"You're pregnant?"
Jackson's voice freezes April in place, her feet unable to move as the situation sinks in.
Arizona is the first to speak. "Look, Jackson, before you get –"
"I wasn't talking to you," he snaps at her, before turning to April again. "Are you pregnant?"
She turns around and looks at him. And then slowly, she nods.
"I'll leave you two to talk," Arizona says. She turns to her friend beside her, squeezes her arm and tells her in a calming voice, "I'll call you later, okay?"
And then she turns to Jackson. "I know you're mad, but be kind," she says in a firm voice before walking away.
For a moment, he just stands here looking at her, his eyes wide and his hands clenched.
Unable to bear the silence any longer, April decides to break it. "Please say something."
And he finally does. "When were you planning on telling me?" he asks, his voice tight.
"I... I don't know," she answers honestly. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you finding out this way."
"You didn't want me finding out at all, did you?"
"What? No, Jackson. No," she asserts. "I just... I didn't know how to tell you."
"How about 'Hey, Jackson, I'm pregnant. I just thought you should know because you deserve to know.' How about that?" he spits out.
"I just needed more time to –"
"To what? To figure out how to hide this from me? I deserve to know, April! I have every right to know! What, is this payback? Is this your way of getting back at me for –"
She slaps him on the face hard before he can finish his sentence.
"How dare you. How... how dare you," she says in a quiet rage. "You think this is how I want things to be? You think that all this time I was actually happy that you didn't know I'm carrying our child? Do you even know how excruciating it was to be in the position I was in? How freaking hard it was to sign those stupid papers when –" she stops abruptly when she realizes what she's saying.
But it's too late. She's already said too much, far too much that what she ever planned on telling him.
"How long have you known?" his voice is calm but seething.
She shifts uncomfortably. "Jackson, I –"
"How long, April?" he shouts, which causes April to flinch.
"That morning," she admits.
He lets out a pained breath. "And you didn't say anything? That whole time we were sitting right across from each other you had every chance to tell me and yet you chose not to? Are you that... I don't even have the words to –"
"You made that choice for me, Jackson! I asked you if a divorce is what you really wanted. I asked you, and you didn't say anything!" she says, her voice getting louder.
"What the hell does that have to do with this?"
"It has everything to do with his!" she yells, before covering her face with her hands. After taking deep breaths, she drops her arms to her side and in a timid voice, she tells him, "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so badly."
"Then why didn't you, April? Why? Why would you keep something like this from me?"
"Because what then, Jackson?" she asks him, her eyes full of despair. "If I told you I was pregnant when your lawyer handed me those papers, what then? Would you have still let me sign them?"
Her question leaves him paralyzed. It's the same exact thought that's been pounding in his head the second she revealed when she discovered she was pregnant. Would he have pushed through with the divorce if he'd known? Would he have stayed silent as he watched her sign those papers?
"I don't know," he finally says, his voice unsure and vulnerable.
Her shoulders sag. "That is why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to stay with me because you felt you needed to for the baby. I wanted... I wanted you to stay with me because you wanted to. But you didn't... you don't," she murmurs, her voice suddenly breaking. She stops and breathes again. And when she's sure she can speak again without breaking down, she continues. "If I told you I was pregnant then, you would've been forced to stay, and that's just... I didn't want to do that to you."
Her gaze falls downward as her hands fidgeted with the hem of her blouse. "And when you didn't say anything, I..." she pauses and looks up at him, "How could I tell you after signing those papers? I know you, Jackson. You would've wanted to be there for me and support me and care for me. You probably still want to do that now even though you hate me... But I can't be near you, Jackson, not when I still... I can't be near you yet."
They look at each other, their eyes filled with sorrow and longing, Jackson unable to say anything and April suddenly needing to say everything she's been keeping inside.
"So yes, Jackson, I am pregnant. And as much as you find this hard to believe right now, I really was going to tell you. I never even considered keeping this baby from you," she tells him. "But I just can't be around you right now, not without falling apart. So please, Jackson, I am begging you. Please give me room to breathe."
She takes a few steps back and turns around.
"April," he calls out.
Sighing, she faces him again.
"You can't do this alone. I'm as much of a part of this as you are. We can figure this out together," he tells her almost pleadingly.
She bites her lip. "The moment we signed those papers, we stopped being 'together'. I know you don't want me to do this alone, but that's what I am, Jackson. I'm alone," she says softly. "Please believe me when I say that I want you to be a part of this whole process just as much as you do. Of course I want you be the amazing father I know you'll be to this baby. The last thing I want to do is to take that away from you... I just, I want to be ready first."
Confusion washes over his face. "Ready for what?"
"To have you in my life again without..." her voice drops to a whisper before continuing, "without actually having you."
Her words sober him up. "Alright, okay, I'm sorry," he says gently. "Are you okay?"
She lets out a small chuckle and looks at him with teary eyes. "No, Jackson. No, I'm not. But I can't talk to you about it, not anymore."
"Of course, you can. I'm still here if you need me, April. Just because... I'm still here for you," he says, taking a step forward.
He feels a sharp pang on his chest when April turns slightly to the side, crossing her arms over her chest like she feels threatened by him.
"You don't understand. What I mean is I don't want to talk to you about it." She sighs as she rubs her forehead. "I'm not punishing you for making me sign those papers. I just... I want to keep myself at a safe distance from you for now... I'm trying to look after me this time."
Her words hit him like a ton of bricks. To be honest, up until today, the past month hadn't felt much different to him. It was a lot like how things were between them after she returned from her second tour in Jordan. They would see each other only in the hospital – maybe in the ER or in the fleeting seconds when they'd pass each other in the halls, his eyes always on her and hers always on the floor. Their conversations would revolve around work and their patients. It was bearable, better than the constant fighting and arguing.
But now, hearing her say such things, he realizes that this is what getting a divorce really feels – him taking a step toward her, and her taking a step back. Belatedly, it occurs to him that he's the one who asked for this. He's the one who gave up his right to be the person she turns to in her time of need. He wants to argue with her, to tell her that her pregnancy changes things between them, but it sounds feeble even to his own ears.
At a loss for words, he merely says, "Okay."
She can see him struggle to hide the effect of her words from her. And for a moment, she considers taking it all back. She considers taking him up on his offer to see this through together.
But she stops herself before she falls in too deep. They've done this song and dance so many times before and every time, they ended up hurting each other more. So she forces the thought away and instead gives him a consolation.
"I'll let you know when the check-up will be, if you want to come along," she says. "And if you don't, that's fine too."
"I want to," he says almost immediately.
"Okay. Then I'll let you know," she smiles at him sadly.
And then she turns around and starts walking away from him, hiding the tears that are now falling down her face.
Author's Note: Someone from Tumblr requested me to write a story about Jackson finding out about April's pregnancy. I still haven't decided yet if I want to turn this into a multi-chapter story, so I'm leaving this "In Progress" for now. Hope you enjoy! :)