So, this is it, my first published fanfic. I cannot believe I'm writing this...
I recently saw 300 Patients and shortly afterwards this story suddenly poured out, while i sat there, listening to the Smashing Pumpkins- Many thanks to them for creating Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness.
And thanks to NBC and TPTB for "letting me" butcher their character. I obviously do not own any rights.
And thanks to you for reading it!
(I'd love a review if you have time, but please keep in mind, English isn't my first language so go easy on the grammar, you can bash the story, style, and everything else, but i am very sensitive when it comes to grammar. Or not..)
She was stuck.
This was all way beyond her control at this point. And just lurking below her awareness she was beginning to understand it. Beginning to understand she needed to ask for help. Help for herself, Help for her little boy for her husband.
Whether it was the story about the little boy not being able to lift a stone until he asked for help, or maybe...
...there are a thousand reasons to ask for help, there are equally as many, or maybe even more, not to.
Why, whats the point, why should I get better, I deserve all this pain, all this mess. I don't deserve a happy family. This beautiful little boy deserves more than this, more than me. I can't take care of him.
I am a bad mother.
All i ever was afraid of, scared shitless of really, there it was. And its not anybody elses fault, not Maggie's, not Luka's for leaving, it's all on me.
I am a bad mother.
I need a drink.
And what about him? I love him more, than I will ever love anything or anyone else. I push him further and further away. He'll leave me, when he finds out what i've done, that i've put our son in danger, he'll leave me. And why shouldnt he?
I am a bad wife.
I am hurting him, I wanna shout, some part of me wants to scream at him, tell him that I fucked up, fucked up because of him, because he left me. But it's not his fault.
I am the one who fucked up.
I am a bad wife.
I need a drink.
It seems almost nothing compared to hurting my family, but one of these days it's gonna happen. Iam not gonna be able to help one of my patients.
I am a bad doctor.
They can all see it, my friends, my co-workers, something is wrong, really, really wrong and i cant tell them. I'll probably gonna kill someone and i cant bring myself to care. I am a bad doctor.
I need a drink.
She just stands there. If a stranger were to see her they'd just think there's a beautiful woman waiting for someone to let her in the appartment.
She's so much more than that.
A Mother, a Wife, a Doctor, an Alcoholic.
A deeply troubled, broken and scared human being. A woman who isn't able to get out of the deep hole she has dug for herself over the years. Maybe not even aware of doing it. She thought she was happy, a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby boy, but deep down all this problems, all this fear, all this anger, were eating away at her.
And it came all crushing down to her, that night, after being scared for her baby all day.
The nothingness.
She was alone. she was scared. she couldn't handle all this panic.
And there he was, her best friend, her worst enemy. Something so insignificant to others. To her a lover, a killer, the solution to all and nothing.
Alcohol.
I need a drink.
She opens the door, walks in and sees them. Her heart breaks, shatters. right there, into a million pieces. But still, she says nothing.
Her beautiful little boy and her husband, who has no idea how far away she really is, the darkness, the nothingness she's caught in.
She just sits there, looks at them.
Suddenly, for the first time in a long time, she feels something other than anger, fear, shame and guilt...
Luka,
...overwhelming love, desperate to get her life back...
I need help.