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I Got To Play With A Wand

Rose Tyler didn't ask for much out of life, but right now life was being decidedly unfair. In the past two days she had been chased, captured, nearly eaten by an alien whose name even the Doctor had trouble saying and offered to the gods of the planet Pepperland as a sacrifice. The only reason they had let her go was because the Doctor had assured them she was not a virgin sacrifice. While she had been grateful to leave the planet in tact she did wish he hadn't made her sound like such a slapper.

Right now all she wanted was a good movie and a bar of chocolate. She had the chocolate when she entered the TARDIS' cinema room now for the movie. At first, Rose couldn't find anything she wanted to watch among the DVDS. Either she had seen it before or she wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. She didn't want romantic comedy, she didn't want a horror movie, and she didn't want anything that required her to think like a drama or a biography. She just wanted something light and entertaining. Finally, feeling a little desperate and more than a little cranky Rose asked the TARDIS. "What do you think I should watch, old girl?"

As usual the TARDIS didn't answer in words, but suddenly there was a DVD on the table in front of her that hadn't been there before. Rose picked it up and examined the back. This would do, Rose decided, this would do very nicely. The DVD in her hand was part of a very popular childrens' series of movies. She had watched the other three parts in the series only when she was alone. She didn't want the mickey taken out of her by Jackie or the Doctor for watching a childrens' film. Jackie was in London and the Doctor was repairing the TARDIS yet again so Rose knew that she would have a few hours to herself and she would be able to enjoy her movie in peace and quiet.

Rose hadn't gotten very far in the film when an image on screen made her stop the film and stare. Three thoughts battled for dominance in her brain as she stared at the screen. In order they were: It couldn't be, he didn't, He did. The last thought won out as Rose rewound the scene and watched it again. Yes, that was definitely him, no question. She was so going to tease him about this. The Doctor had laughed at her affection for some movies before, claiming he being a genius; needed a higher level of stimulation than most films made in her time provided. Obviously, he had lied and she was going to call him on it.

Shit, The Doctor swore to himself when he heard Rose coming down the hall. He was still under the console and as such could not see her but he could hear her and if it was possible for a walk to sound smug Rose's walk certainly did. He could feel it coming off her in waves. He had done something that clearly she found to take issue with, if that walk was any indication, but he had no idea what it had been. Nine hundred years old, a true genius and he still didn't understand females. He only hoped whatever he had done could be resolved with minimal pain. He liked food and if Rose was going to slap him as her mother had, he doubted he'd be eating anything for a few years, give or take a decade.

"Theta, I have a question." Rose's words were sweet, too sweet; he was in for real trouble. He was almost ready to hide under the console until she left but he knew Rose would wait him out. Pushing himself forward he dared to look up into her eyes.

"Hopefully, I have an answer." He hoped he didn't sound as worried as he felt. He also hoped he hadn't squeaked that last word. Hope springs eternal, a small voice in his head reminded him. He wasn't sure if the voice was his subconscious or one of his other selves. He wouldn't put it past his other selves to be there and be laughing at him. Especially his ninth self, he thought himself rude in this regeneration, but he was nothing compared to nine. Nine could have given lessons on being rude to a Vogon. Shut it pretty boy, the voice was back and this time the Doctor had no doubt it was nine tormenting him. You shut it; he ordered the voice. The reply was rude enough he was glad Rose was not telepathic.

"I thought you said that being an actor was a one time thing, yeah?" Rose asked him. She was referring to the fact that shortly after Jack had come onto the TARDIS he and Rose had watched 28 Days Later and had been shocked to discover that the Doctor had acted in the film using the name Christopher Eccleston. When Rose had asked him about it the Doctor had told her that he had seen the experience as new adventure and hadn't thought to try it again. She had no reason to doubt him. She hadn't doubted him until a few minutes ago.

"It was." The Doctor said slowly. As soon as she had asked her question he'd known exactly what she had been talking about. This time around he was a huge fan of the Harry Potter books and movies. He had taken Rose to London to see Jackie when he had heard that casting for the fourth movie was taking place nearby and that they were looking for someone to play Barty Crouch junior. It had been an opportunity he hadn't wanted to pass up. So while Rose was blissfully unaware and staying with Jackie he had gotten the part and filmed his few scenes. He didn't think Rose would ever find out because she denied watching the films. Apparently she had watched at least part of the fourth one.

"I had to Rose it was Harry Potter, you know how much I love the books." The Doctor said defensively. Rose hadn't said anything else. She didn't need to, the smile on her face told him exactly what she thought of his defense. "I had too," He tried again. Rose's smile remained in place. Damned irritating woman, he thought to himself. "It was worth it, I got to play with a wand." This time the smile widened and she was out and out laughing as he realized how what he had just said could be taken. He felt a sudden compassion for Mickey, Mickey may have been Mickey The Idiot but with one simple innocent sentence he had crowned himself Theta Sigma, Emperor of all idiots throughout time and space.

He really shouldn't leave himself so open like that, Rose thought to herself. It made teasing him so easy and so fun. "You played with your wand on set, in front of people and in front of impressionable children, you perv. I didn't realize you were such an exhibitionist. Jack was a worse influence on you than I thought." Rose said as soon as she had her laughter under control. Just to tease him further she shook her head in mock sorrow.

"Shame I missed it, I'd have loved to have seen you playing with your wand in front of people." Score one for her, he was turning redder than the tomato she'd had in her salad at lunch.

"It's a nice wand, they let me keep it you know." The Doctor told her. That was too open as well and if K-9 was there she'd guess the dog would have known what she was about to say next.

"Well I should hope so, losing a wand could be traumatic to say the very least."

That's it he was never speaking again, the Doctor decided. He'd been having an innocent conversation with Rose as to why he'd been in the Harry Potter film and everything he said was suddenly becoming full of innuendo. It was enough to drive a man, nine hundred year old Gallifreyan or not, spare. From now on he'd communicate solely by gestures, the Doctor decided. This time he couldn't argue with nine's voice in his head when the other him chortled. Do you really think that would solve the problem, mate? As if to back up nine's words a series of gestures flooded the Doctor's mind, most of them dirty and a few so obscene they would have made Jack blush.

He stared up at Rose hoping he didn't have the deer-in-the headlights expression on his face. From her continued laughter he guessed that was exactly the expression on his face at the moment. Right then, only one thing to do. "I could show you my wand, let you see what a nice wand it really is." The Doctor offered. Let's see what she made of that, he thought to himself. He'd take her into his bedroom and show her the nice black wood wand on his nightstand. She didn't answer for a long moment and the Doctor thought maybe she hadn't heard him. He was about to repeat himself when he realized she wasn't answering because she was crying. She was laughing so hard tears were falling down her face.

Suddenly she stopped and smiled up at him a challenge very clear in her eyes. "Can you show me a few tricks with your wand, Theta?"

He's blushing again, this is so undignified for a Time Lord, even one from the not always respected house of Lungbarrow. Letting a human woman get to him like this, he should be ashamed. Oy, you git, she's asking you to show her some tricks; the wand is in the bedroom, how much thicker could you possibly be? Nine is ranting at him again. This time however, the Doctor has to agree with his former self. How thick is he? For all his blushes and embarrassment, Rose has very clearly stated where she'd like this conversation to end. "There is one amazing trick I learned." The Doctor said warming to the subject as he moved closer to her. Oh yes, he can see in her eyes exactly where this should end. "I could show you, but the wand is in my bedroom, so you'd have to come there with me for the trick to have proper effect." If she notices his voice has gotten husky and his words a little rushed she doesn't comment on it. He is perversely glad, because if she had he doesn't think he would be able to show her the trick until much later.

"What does the trick involve?" she asks him, taking his hand and letting him lead her down the hall.

They are at his bedroom door before he whispers his answer. "With this trick I can have you completely nude using my wand and two words."

It isn't until later that day that she reminds him he remembered the words but forgot the wand.